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How do I overcome the old fear (2nd breakup)?


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Hello!

 

I don't know how to start but I guess I'll give you some history about us so please bear with me here as it's my first time posting this topic, seeking some advices. My bf and I met almost two years ago when we both were separated from our exes. Btw, it was our first LDR (long distance relationship). We had great 4 months, keeping in touch and videochatting almost everyday. Something came up that got him to reach the decision of breaking up instead of opting for another alternative. It's a long story but let's say he was very overwhelmed emotionally and mentally by some of the issues his ex imposed on him and he wasn't ready for the next step that he wanted to do earlier with me.

 

Flash forward to this year, last spring, he contacted me to catch up the news (we kept in touch lightly on/off). At that time, I was dating someone locally and he was on the brink of breaking off then-current gf 'cuz it wasn't working anymore. He confessed that all the times he was dating her, he realized that he has lost me and wished we didn't break up but thought LDR wouldn't work for us 'cuz of our living situations and kids. Anyway, before he contacted me, he had a talk with his coworker about it and they told him that LDR can work with compromises, efforts and faith. He didn't realize that it can work so that was when he decided to break off his then-current gf and hoped to get back with me. However, I was dating someone else already when he contacted me. I was surprised when he told me this and I told him that even though I was thrilled to hear from him and that I would consider trying again but I had a big fear. The fear was to be heartbroken again for the second time if he's in the similar situation of being very emotionally/mentally overwhelmed and couldn't handle it then break off with me again. I never experienced the deep devastation of the heartbreak before so it scared the heck out of me when he wanted to get back with me. I also told him that I don't believe in "empty words" but true actions to prove of his love and commitment. He understood and for a few months, we just kept in touch everyday as best friends, not taking the next step of dating yet as I wasn't ready and also I was still in the midst of breaking off with the other guy. Shortly before I finally broke off with the other guy, my bf decided to buy one-way ticket, not waiting for a lower fare of roundtrip. I was surprised but impressed by his efforts. He came and spent a few weeks with me in the summer. It was a glorious time for us. While he was with me, we had a long discussion about where we were like do we re-commit to LDR again or just wait a while longer until I'm ready. I told him that I wasn't ready for the next step again and he understood and respected that. After he went home, I decided to try again so we got back together then. We kept in touch daily with textings and videochats. A few weeks later, he lost his job then a day or two later, he was told that his mom was in the hospital and he must go up to another state to see her. He hasn't seen his mom for two years because he was visiting his exgf last summer and me recently. When he saw her, he was shocked that she looked not so good, quite drastically different than the last time he saw her. Her health went downhill and he spent the whole time with her while she was dying.

 

Last month, I visited him for a few weeks to give him my support and help during that time and after she died, I was still with him for two more weeks before I flew home. Of course, the times we spent weren't the same as the one we spent recently in the summer - the mood was very somber. I already knew that and was prepared for that but one thing I didn't expect or prepared for was his sudden change of behavior like almost not affectionate during the time his mom was dying. Personally, I never experienced death within my immediate family nor helping someone going through it closely. So I didn't know what to do beside helping him with some things and I felt helpless and useless sometimes. At the same time, I had PMS which wasn't helping at all and made me more emotional than usual. The old fear (of another breakup) came back again, sort of freaking me out (btw, I didn't freak out on him but he did acknowledged how I was feeling as I shared a bit, not all and he did warned me in advance that he needed to focus on his mom, can't divide his attention between her and me which I understood completely and asked me for my patience with him while he was going through it. I had no problem with it). I tried to stay calm and remind myself not to take it personally 'cuz it's not me at all. We had a few spats/misunderstandings but resolved immediately and were good again. After a bit of struggling with it for a week or so, I finally stopped feeling freaking out. After his mom died, of course, he became more withdrawn physically and emotionally which was very understandable. He did shared his feelings and thoughts while I was there and even told me that his heart felt empty and all numb…nothing in it like no love or romance of some sorts. I understood and wasn't expecting any at all 'cuz he was shocked.

 

He felt so guilt for not visiting his mom for two years straight, even though they had weekly/bi-weekly phone calls. (His mom already forgave him when he apologized for not visiting her for two years and I told him that his being there for him was all she wanted and was very happy before she became confused and stopped functioning) He told me that whenever he tried to get close to me physically (during the time his mom was dying), he felt emotionally/mentally conflicted like it felt wrong as it reminded him of his guilt for visiting me, not his mom recently. He also felt guilty for not bringing his kids to see his mom one more time in the recent summer (his ex and kids were in the same town his mom was at as they were visiting the other grandmother and the ex refused to bring his kids to visit his mom due to some issues which he was very angry with her about because his mom found out then and was so hurt as she hasn't seen her grandkids for over a year and they were only minutes away. The ex said it's my bf's responsibility, not hers, to bring the kids to see his mom in the recent summer which he didn't do that, hence his guilt). I didn't know what to say about that, even though I understood the guilt part. He said he knows he need time to get through the grieving time and when he gets better, we will rebuild our LDR and asked me for my patience. I agreed to that. He told me a few times that nothing was wrong with me and we were still good but it was him that's dealing with all of that and in the last big discussion before I went home, we agreed to take it slow and go with the flow, not thinking about those plans we discussed earlier. I asked him if he still believes in us like there's still something between us down the road (soulmates and all that) and he said he does and he didn't want to search elsewhere for someone else as he already knew we're matched. That was all I wanted to know so I'd know where we go from there because several times in the last few days or week, he brought up, talking about not sure what happens in the future like saying he must focus on his kids and his art business (not a word about me being part of it at all) and also talked about whether he wants to be a confirmed bachelor or single, not married again, etc. He was like jumping all over emotionally and in thoughts. He also asked if we can just be together as steady couple only, not married again ever for the rest of our lives which I reminded him of our earlier discussion (before all of this has happened) regarding our views and beliefs as we both had the same conviction that common-law relationship wasn't what we were looking for since we're Christians. Anyway, I wasn't sure what to say or how to take it. That was why I asked him during that big discussion. Then I went back home, our contact has decreased somewhat since for over a week now. It's been more of me sending him one or two texting messages (usually, encouraging quotes, not much of personal comments) and sometimes he reply but most of the times, he didn't reply. I felt helpless and useless.

 

Logically, I know it's been over 3 weeks since his mom's passing and yet at the same time, emotionally-wise, it's scary and confusing for me 'cuz of the old fear that's back again and I'm still struggling with it. Earlier tonight on the video chat after one week of not seeing each other, we had a short and simple chat to catch up with the news. He didn't say that he misses me since the last video chat and I didn't tell him that either, even though I missed him 'cuz I was a bit afraid to open it up to tell him that. I had put up an emotional wall to protect myself a bit so I won't take this too hard and personally whenever he's not replying back to my text messages (personal comments). I just put up a front of being casual and lighthearted 'cuz I knew he didn't need to hear me pouring out my feelings and thoughts regarding the old fear and that he needs my support. What I'm a bit concerned about is what if he's guilty about our time we spent in the recent summer that affects our relationship and could lead to breakup, such as couldn't see our times as good because it reminds him of his mistake for not visiting his mom?

 

What advices I'm seeking is what do I do with this stupid old fear (2nd breakup) that's bugging me emotionally and what other ways can I show my support beside encouraging quotes? Am I being overreacting about his behavior like being more distant with me lately? I know I sound silly but I don't know where to go to share this and receive advices/suggestions to get through this. Thank you for your patience to read this long posting and also thanks in advance for your help! :^)

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What advices I'm seeking is what do I do with this stupid old fear (2nd breakup) that's bugging me emotionally and what other ways can I show my support beside encouraging quotes? Am I being overreacting about his behavior like being more distant with me lately? I know I sound silly but I don't know where to go to share this and receive advices/suggestions to get through this. Thank you for your patience to read this long posting and also thanks in advance for your help! :^)

 

Hello britonfrog!

 

When someone close to us loses someone close to them it can be a very confusing and upsetting time for both you and them. Him withdrawing and being distant is understandable. It's a big upset and a very sad time in his life, and I wouldn't worry too much that this reflects on your relationship.

 

It is a sad irony that your fear can, if left unchecked, encourage the very thing you fear. You've already identified this and don't want to pester him about your relationship for fear it will push him away.

 

My feeling is you need some support yourself. Simple camaraderie from a good friend or close family member may be what you need right now. Someone to talk to, someone to have fun with too. I'm not thinking dancing on table tops, more a walk in the park. Do you have any girl friends or a sibling you can turn to? I'd suggest going to male friends with caution because it can get complicated quite easily.

 

If there's no-one immediately to hand, maybe talking with a colleague, just to share can help ease the burden for you. A problem shared is a problem halved, so they say.

 

As for how to relate with your boyfriend, tread a line between showing your concern for his well-being and maintaining your own well-being. My view (and it is just my view) is that he needs a long leash at this time. Things he says now may appear to you as unduly harsh or cold, but they may well be temporary and said as a form of lashing out in pain rather than a considered opinion. You can choose to dismiss certain things as said "in the heat of the moment" and remember the good things instead.

 

If this pattern of behaviour of his continues, you then have to ask yourself where your cut off point is and take steps to attempt to correct the situation or move on, but I think that's some time away now (or would be if I was in a similar situation to you).

 

Take care.

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Good to hear :)

 

Getting support and having a nice time is hugely important. We often forget to do that when we're afraid, but it's what keeps you in a good space. If and when he's ready, you being in a good, confident, considerate mood will be the best thing for him, and you :)

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Reading...drawing...playing games. At least, I have my small business churning out greeting cards so I'll focus on creating new designs...that'll keep me busy and mind off this issue, too. Plus a recent chat with my best friend who made a very good suggestion - I could pretend to think of my bf as best friend, not bf...sort of little emotionally disconnected so I won't feel insecure. That way, he'd focus on getting through the grief and other things that's on his mind...not needing another thing from me to add on his plate that's full. I never thought of that but it makes sense and it'd help pass the time, too for however long his grieving period may be. I was told that it can be anywhere between 3-12 months and that the first year is usually the hardest, especially for someone who's very close to their parent and even more, mother and son. Oh, boy...at least, he's still talking to me daily with some tidbits, not long chats. I guess it should put my mind at ease a bit, knowing that he didn't forget me at all. :)

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Your friend's advice is excellent :)

 

Just a bit of space and detachment is good for both of you right now.

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