bellevie Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 (edited) Hi everyone....! Need some brutally honest help here...sorry in advance for the long post.... My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years now. I met him in high school, and a few years into our relationship we were faced with the challenge of an LDR. My family immigrated to another country, and being a teenager at the time, we all agreed it would be best if I went with them. So for the past 3 years, my BF and I see each other every 6 months. Our relationship is healthy and positive for the most part, and being far from him been devastating (he is my first kiss/sex/love)... Some background info: I am not very physically attracted to my BF, but his personality more than makes up for it. He is intelligent, hard-working, and trustworthy, among many other qualities. However, he is very possessive. Early on in our relationship he discouraged me from seeing some of my best friends and expressed strong disapproval towards some of my hobbies. I chose to cease contact with my friends and no longer participated in some of my favorite activities (BIG mistake, I know, but his approval was more important at the time). This kind of behavior does not happen as much anymore, but I don't know if that is because he has changed or because I have just stopped doing these activities altogether. He and I had built our own little world and with time it became harder and harder to step out of my comfort zone. I have been socially isolated for years - something of which just slowly happened as he and I became closer to each other and became distant from everyone else. This plus the stress of working full-time and studying at night/on weekends ended up in my depression, anxiety, and other mental/physical problems. So.... After I moved to this new country with my family, I was able to restore my health and excel at school & other projects. It only lasted for about a year though as the LDR began to take a toll on me. I've remained strongly committed and faithful to my BF, but it came at the expense of me not being able to focus on enjoying so many aspects of university life. Our Plan: Before I even moved 3 years ago, my BF wholeheartedly said he would be willing to come here after he finished college. We are both graduating now in the summer, and he hasn't done much to make it a reality any time soon (ie he has not yet made an effort to learn the local language). He often mentions that he is "OK" with the way things are today and he sees no problem in extending the LDR for a bit more. For my own sanity, I really don't want to spend several more years 5000 miles away. While I admire his patience and strength, I'm disappointed that he doesn't seem to share my enthusiasm in finally ending the LDR. Although I love it where I'm living today, I've offered to move back and find a job near my BF. He initially rejected this idea, saying I should embrace the opportunity to work here, but later accepted it. He would continue to live with his parents and I would rent a place on my own since he does not wish to move in with me at the moment. Looking at things from his perspective, I understand he has a lot to risk by leaving his hometown. He has an amazing job there, a supportive network of family/friends/contacts, and a lot going on for him. I don't want to take away these things which he worked hard to build and deservedly earn. To conclude... We have so much respect and compassion for each other, but I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I love him so much, but people change...his priorities may be different now....and the distance has inevitably grown us apart whether I like it or not. He is in a very comfortable situation, and moving to a country to start fresh is not a simple compromise on my part. I would understand if he does not want further commitment right now, but I've dedicated so much to us already that I'd be disappointed to move and not have things progress from dating. I fear the regret of letting someone so incredible go...and yet I know it'd be naive for me to think he is the love of my life given my age (22) and lack of experience. I wonder if it'd be best to just learn from the mistakes I made with him, pursue some of my neglected passions, and move on. Should I give it a chance and move? Should I stay where I am and hopefully wait for him to come? Do I end things with him now or phase it out? In your guys' opinion, what does he want/see me as? All sincere opinions will be appreciated (even if harsh!) Edited June 15, 2011 by bellevie Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 It's been six years and although, both of you are still young, I don't think you want to so easily give up on something you've put so much time into. I think you and your boyfriend need to discuss this a whole lot more. Is it easier for you or him to move? Have either of you found jobs for after graduation? What are your long terms plans together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bellevie Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 (edited) It's been six years and although, both of you are still young, I don't think you want to so easily give up on something you've put so much time into. I think you and your boyfriend need to discuss this a whole lot more. Is it easier for you or him to move? Have either of you found jobs for after graduation? What are your long terms plans together? It's easier for me to move to him (which is why I suggested it to him earlier) and that is our current plan for now. He has been employed at one of the top companies in the country for more than 5 years and really has a promising career there. I am so proud of him and I don't have the heart to ask him to leave. I am currently unemployed because I only just recently got the government permit to legally work here. I do have a solid resume, though, and although job-hunting is never easy, I think I could find something good there. He does not really enjoy the "serious talks", but he has previously expressed meaningful interest in taking things further. He does not want to move in yet, though. A marriage is possible, but extremely unlikely to happen within the next 5 years (I've never pressured him about this since it's not something I want right now either). He is very stable and family-oriented (has a terrific relationship with parents & extended family) and if he turns out to be somewhat like his father, he would be a great man indeed. He has a good head on his shoulders and a good heart. It's just that the LDR has inevitably brought us apart in spite all our best efforts. We cannot afford to see each other more often. His actions sometimes contradict his words. He has become cold and distant and rarely romantic - ALTHOUGH this may just be his way of coping with things. I don't know... this is a very difficult decision for me. Thank you so much for your input though Edited June 15, 2011 by bellevie Link to post Share on other sites
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