Friends Say I'm Too Wrapped Up in my Relationship... Are They Right?

[UpandAway]

Firstly, I'd like to say that my relationship is not as much an LDR as other people on this board ( I'd call it a semi-LDR). But I figured the people on here might be able to relate to this problem more than other boards on this site, but mods please move if you think it's not appropriate.

 

Now, my problem... Well, basically me and my boyfriend live about 1 and half hours away from each other by train ( not including the commute to the train station, so I'd say about 2 hours, without any delays with public transport). Now, I know this is peanuts compared to the distances some folks have to travel to see their SO but it does feel like an LDR in a way because of our work, we can only see each other at the weekend.

 

Now, two of my closest friends have had problems with this since around 6 monthes ago, maybe more. They say it's really annoying I'm gone every weekend, and basically they're pissed off about it. While I understand where they're coming from, I feel they don't understand where I'm coming from...

 

One of them, I'll call her Jessie, her boyfriend lives a lot closer than mine, plus he has a car, so she doesn't have to worry about only getting to see him at the weekend. The other girl (Sarah)'s last two boyfriends either lived near her or also drove ( in one case, they were in the same college so saw each other daily...). I feel like they just don't get it from my point of view.

 

I've just been crying over the fact that one of them texted me to go out this weekend, I explained that I couldn't but would love to see her during the week sometime. She sent a very short, rude reply saying "yeah, ok." Unenthusiastic, or what? I do understand that she's annoyed but it's not like I'm making no effort to see her at all....

 

At the end of the week, is it so wrong to want to spend time with my SO? I should also add I wouldn't have a problem going out every couple of weekends if I was given time to arrange it with my BF... but it's like this friend just expects me to drop everything and go out with her every weekend , as we did when we were both single, or when I could only see my BF one night a week and so had the weekend free ( it was this way for awhile due to work...)

 

Thanks guys, any comments are appreciated.

[folieadeux]

It doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable at all. You can only see your boyfriend at the weekends so that's how you choose to spend them -- I don't see anything wrong with that. People that aren't involved in LDR's find it hard to imagine what our lives are like so I'm imagining that's what your friends are going through right now. If you haven't already, why not try a compromise. On the weekends you can't get together with your boyfriend, maybe try getting together with them. Or maybe you can try getting together with your friends during the week sometime.

[hoping2heal]

Firstly, I'd like to say that my relationship is not as much an LDR as other people on this board ( I'd call it a semi-LDR). But I figured the people on here might be able to relate to this problem more than other boards on this site, but mods please move if you think it's not appropriate.

 

Now, my problem... Well, basically me and my boyfriend live about 1 and half hours away from each other by train ( not including the commute to the train station, so I'd say about 2 hours, without any delays with public transport). Now, I know this is peanuts compared to the distances some folks have to travel to see their SO but it does feel like an LDR in a way because of our work, we can only see each other at the weekend.

 

Now, two of my closest friends have had problems with this since around 6 monthes ago, maybe more. They say it's really annoying I'm gone every weekend, and basically they're pissed off about it. While I understand where they're coming from, I feel they don't understand where I'm coming from...

 

One of them, I'll call her Jessie, her boyfriend lives a lot closer than mine, plus he has a car, so she doesn't have to worry about only getting to see him at the weekend. The other girl (Sarah)'s last two boyfriends either lived near her or also drove ( in one case, they were in the same college so saw each other daily...). I feel like they just don't get it from my point of view.

 

I've just been crying over the fact that one of them texted me to go out this weekend, I explained that I couldn't but would love to see her during the week sometime. She sent a very short, rude reply saying "yeah, ok." Unenthusiastic, or what? I do understand that she's annoyed but it's not like I'm making no effort to see her at all....

 

At the end of the week, is it so wrong to want to spend time with my SO? I should also add I wouldn't have a problem going out every couple of weekends if I was given time to arrange it with my BF... but it's like this friend just expects me to drop everything and go out with her every weekend , as we did when we were both single, or when I could only see my BF one night a week and so had the weekend free ( it was this way for awhile due to work...)

 

Thanks guys, any comments are appreciated.

 

I think your friends are being quite selfish and immature. I have dealt with this same thing with some of my friends. Then when they got BFs, I was being blown off all the time. I didn't make a big deal out of it though, I get it. Your friend should be less focused on herself and her wants and more supportive of you and your situation. I would tell her that, quite frankly. I told that to my friends when they were trying to pull that crap on me.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

experienced this with some of my friends too, well former friends lol. coincidence but i was also dating a guy whom i get to mostly by weekends due to the long train ride issues.

 

if you constantly turn them down then perhaps they might get that feeling. how about setup a girl's day out (one weekend won't hurt i guess?) next time or perhaps do a couples thing (so your boyfriend can bond with your girl friends too and they would understand the situation more).

[spice4life]

I think your friends are being quite selfish and immature. I have dealt with this same thing with some of my friends. Then when they got BFs, I was being blown off all the time. I didn't make a big deal out of it though, I get it. Your friend should be less focused on herself and her wants and more supportive of you and your situation. I would tell her that, quite frankly. I told that to my friends when they were trying to pull that crap on me.

 

This is great advice. Friends should supportive. If you feel she is a good friend sit her down and tell her how this makes you feel. If you don't think she can handle it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping her at arm's length. This will probably change when she has a life of her own.

[BeginAgain]

Friends of women will always say you are too wrapped up in your relationship because they want you single to mingle and have fun with them like adulthood was a never ending Mardi Gras. That is until they are married and then they'll hound you about why you aren't married yet. Tell them to blow it out their asses.

[greeneyednora]

honestly im not very surprised. friends are usually selfish like that. you do what you gotta do to make your relationship work IF its worth it. if theyre your real friends theyll be there for you.

[UpandAway]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks so much for your replies and your support. I'm delighted that everyone so far seems to agree with me! It's good to know I'm not the one in the wrong:)

 

I'm due to meet up with Sarah at some point in the next week but trying to organise it with her has been very slow. Tbh, she's acting really childish ; taking days to reply , then only replying with short, pissy texts. I know from the way she usually texts that she is annoyed and I'm supposed to be worried now because she's making it clear that she's angry with me... but since she is being so passive-aggressive and immature, I'm not worried, just mildy annoyed that she's acting like a spoilt brat.

 

If she says anything to me when we meet up, I'm just going to make it clear that I'm not impressed with her trying to boss me around. I appreciate how she feels but I've no problem making time her during the week or the occasional weekend- but I'm not compromising my relationship because of her selfishness... or is that a bit too aggressive?

 

Thanks guys.

[creighton0123]

It sounds like you have really jealous and selfish friends. People meet significant others and drift apart.

 

If they want to spend more time with you, arrange activities with all of you instead of your always traveling away on the weekends.

 

You can also spend time with your friends during the week or every few weekends.

[UpandAway]

A bit of a late update!

 

Well, things have gone from bad to worse with Sarah. I've met up with her a few times since I originally posted and it went okay, with nothing bad being said between us. However...

 

It was her birthday a few weeks ago. She had planned to go out in the town on a Friday night, and was also having a dinner party on the Monday beforehand. I went to the dinner party, bought her a card, etc. So I did make some effort. I texted her a few days later saying I wouldn't be able to make the night out, as I had to go to my boyfriend's house ( we're currently trying to move in together, looking for houses, etc! It's all very stressful!) but I hoped she had a good night and we could catch up later. She had previously said to me that she didn't mind if her friends could only make either the dinner or the night out so I thought it would be fine.

 

 

But, she never replied and I haven't heard from her since. That was about 3 weeks ago now. The whole situation is getting me really down. I've just come out of counselling for depression and this kinda stuff is making everything worse. I don't know whether to reach out to her or just leave her to be moody... I don't want to be "That Girl" who dumps her friends for her boyfriend... but I feel like she's being selfish.

 

any thoughts?

[FrostFire]

She's being selfish. She's a lost cause don't waste your time with her anymore and live your life the way you want to live it. Friends should not be able to control your emotions or feelings like that. They don't like it too bad. There's the door.

 

This might be hard for you if this is a long-time friend in which case if it is then you'll have to do some thinking. Is her friendship really worth it if she's just going to consistently make you feel guilty?

[UpandAway]

She's being selfish. She's a lost cause don't waste your time with her anymore and live your life the way you want to live it. Friends should not be able to control your emotions or feelings like that. They don't like it too bad. There's the door.

 

This might be hard for you if this is a long-time friend in which case if it is then you'll have to do some thinking. Is her friendship really worth it if she's just going to consistently make you feel guilty?

 

Hey thanks for your reply, it made me feel much better! She isn't actually a long-time friend really, I met her in college and we've only been close the last couple of years. I actually think her attitude is down to jealousy, a little bit. I hate to say it but I think she resents the fact that things are working out so well with me and my BF because her last few relationships did not work out so well.

 

I'm not saying that's the only reason, but it does seem to add up. We both broke up with our first long-term boyfriends around the same time and we both lived the single life together and it was great fun. Then, we both got with new guys. Mine has worked out great so far, but hers didn't. And I helped her through that and was there for her, but apparently it's not enough.

I don't mean to sound smug, but I think it might be a lot of the reason why she resents me being gone at the weekends ( mainly because she still likes to party loads, which is fine too. )

 

Well, basically after all the **** I've been through with my ex and the hassles of having a semi-long distance thing,not to mention the depression,etc, I would have thought a true friend would be happy for me that things are working out... misery loves company I guess.

 

Thanks for your help guys!

[UpandAway]

Another update! Not a very positive one!Well, Sarah never replied to my text about her birthday. After a few weeks, I was worried enough to send her a casual text just asking how she was. No reply for 5 days, then she sent a rather moody message saying she was having a going-away party soon and I could come "if I felt like it."Well, I didn't really feel like it so I said I would see her when she returned (she's moving to another city several miles away... because apparently it's fine for her to move on with her life, but I can't do the same, unless it fits in with her plans...) She then replied saying "you've made your priorities clear" and she might "see me around some time."That was a few weeks ago and I've been feeling bad about it ever since. I hate feeling like Im losing a friend... but I also feel like she was being unreasonsable. Has this ever happened to anybody else? is it normal to just drift away from a good friend like this? It's really getting me down.I can't decide if I'm better without her or if I'm in the wrong.