desertchocolat77 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Hello everyone, I just joined the forum. Was surfing the internet searching for a place to ask for advice about this as I have no one to talk to about it. My SO and I have been together for almost 3 years – long distance. When we saw each other in December, he was going to propose but we had some issues and ended up fighting most of the time. In other words, he didn't propose. He said I was holding back from because I was afraid of commitment. Ever since then he has been acting like the world has ended and the relationship is doomed because he didn’t get a chance to propose when he wanted to. I've apologised, promised to stop holding back and brought up various ways to work through our issues but every chance he gets, he throws it in my face reminding me of the things I did, I broke his heart cos he didn't get to propose when he wanted to, it's my fault where we're at, etc and I'm like ok, fair enough. I own my part and I'm sorry, Can we forgive each other and move on now? Yesterday evening, he sent me a message saying his heart is now guarded and he gave it all his heart and I held back so now he's leaving it to me but he's not going to wait long for me because it's been over 2 years already? I assume this means he wants me to prove I love him unconditionally. This is what I’ve been trying to do for the last month via long distance which has been extremely difficult and I regularly get told I did this, I complained about that, it's my fault. I have invested a lot emotionally in this relationship and it's not something I would want to give up on so easily but I am now getting a little tired of this hot and cold. One minute I'm the greatest thing in his life and he's everything he is cos of me. The next minute, I broke his heart and he will never be the same again. Should I just accept that he simply will not be able to move past this and I should move on with my life? I always thought when you love someone, you don't give up. You work at it until you get it right or at least work at it for a reasonable amount of time but now...... I asked him if he wants us to be together or not and wants to work out our issues or not and he said he wants to but then he is now holding back which is making me hold back even more. I just don’t know the best way to approach this. Can anyone offer insights please? I feel so miserable right now. Sorry if I was too long winded Link to post Share on other sites
aisle_seat Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I can understand why he's hurt. If it were me and I was asking someone to marry me, and given the added pressure of an LDR, it would be a big, big bummer to have your plans thrown off when the object of your affection puts up a road block. No doubt he was pretty devastated. However, given what you've said it sounds as though you are committed to the relationship. Did you have any idea he was going to propose? Had you two previously talked about your future and did he have reason to believe you would be joyous for having his proposal? If so, see my first paragraph. If not then maybe he was jumping the gun a little. Either way, if you've apologized and shown him you are committed, he should be able to forgive and move on so that you two can talk constructively about your future. Continuing to re-hash a past hurt and resent you is not productive if he also wants to continue the relationship. He needs to put aside his hurt feelings and move forward with you or decide he's too hurt and break up with you. I think you've done all you can do. If you try to talk to him in a supportive way about your future together and he continues to bring up what happened, it sounds like you're the one who may need to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 that's a good advice there from aisle_seat. if you don't mind, why is he blaming you for the proposal? what did you fight about? Link to post Share on other sites
TandyCarelb Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I was searching about this as well. Would like see more thoughts about this issue from you guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertchocolat77 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 that's a good advice there from aisle_seat. if you don't mind, why is he blaming you for the proposal? what did you fight about? he said I'm deliberately picking up fights to prevent him from proposing cos I'm a commitment phobic. We fought about stupid small stuff like he left a soup plate on the table after eating, he was spending all his time on his computer, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 he said I'm deliberately picking up fights to prevent him from proposing cos I'm a commitment phobic. We fought about stupid small stuff like he left a soup plate on the table after eating, he was spending all his time on his computer, etc. So, if I understand this clearly. You did not do anything during the actual attempted proposal. You two just fought a lot so he felt he could not find a good reason for proposing. Firstly, I agree and disagree with him. You have to pick and choose your battles. Leaving a plate of soup on the table after he is done eating may just be him, being him. The thing is, we all come with our own quirks and bad habits. Some of those things we will try to break, some we will break some of the time, some we never will. It may be annoying to deal with dirty socks on the floor, or the toilet seat being up but I also do not believe in blowing it out of proportion and turning it into a nitpick. That is just me. On the other hand, if someone really is spending a great majority of their time on the computer instead of spending time with their partner I think that is a valid concern if that actually happens a lot. I am kind of at a loss for what to say to the rest of it. He just seems to me like he is being a big baby now, considering you have been trying to make things better but if he thinks that marriage means he is going to get to sit on the computer most of the day while you cook and clean the home around him and smile kindly, I think he needs to get real. Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertchocolat77 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 I can understand why he's hurt. If it were me and I was asking someone to marry me, and given the added pressure of an LDR, it would be a big, big bummer to have your plans thrown off when the object of your affection puts up a road block. No doubt he was pretty devastated. However, given what you've said it sounds as though you are committed to the relationship. Did you have any idea he was going to propose? Had you two previously talked about your future and did he have reason to believe you would be joyous for having his proposal? If so, see my first paragraph. If not then maybe he was jumping the gun a little. Either way, if you've apologized and shown him you are committed, he should be able to forgive and move on so that you two can talk constructively about your future. Continuing to re-hash a past hurt and resent you is not productive if he also wants to continue the relationship. He needs to put aside his hurt feelings and move forward with you or decide he's too hurt and break up with you. I think you've done all you can do. If you try to talk to him in a supportive way about your future together and he continues to bring up what happened, it sounds like you're the one who may need to move on. We've always talked about our future, ever since we met. I knew he was going to propose. He kinda gave himself away already before he made the trip and I was just waiting for him to do it so I was pretty devastated too when he didn't after whipping myself up into a secret frenzy about it . Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertchocolat77 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 So, if I understand this clearly. You did not do anything during the actual attempted proposal. You two just fought a lot so he felt he could not find a good reason for proposing. Firstly, I agree and disagree with him. You have to pick and choose your battles. Leaving a plate of soup on the table after he is done eating may just be him, being him. The thing is, we all come with our own quirks and bad habits. Some of those things we will try to break, some we will break some of the time, some we never will. It may be annoying to deal with dirty socks on the floor, or the toilet seat being up but I also do not believe in blowing it out of proportion and turning it into a nitpick. That is just me. On the other hand, if someone really is spending a great majority of their time on the computer instead of spending time with their partner I think that is a valid concern if that actually happens a lot. I am kind of at a loss for what to say to the rest of it. He just seems to me like he is being a big baby now, considering you have been trying to make things better but if he thinks that marriage means he is going to get to sit on the computer most of the day while you cook and clean the home around him and smile kindly, I think he needs to get real. He did not propose at all. You would think he proposed and I said no, the way he's acting. To be honest, we share the chores - laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc and the soup bowl thing was a one off. I didn't like that he left it there and instead of just saying so, I yelled at him and told him I'm not his maid. I've apologised for it 3 times but he still brings it up. I've told him he has to learn to let stuff go once it's resolved but he seems to lack this ability. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 He did not propose at all. You would think he proposed and I said no, the way he's acting. To be honest, we share the chores - laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc and the soup bowl thing was a one off. I didn't like that he left it there and instead of just saying so, I yelled at him and told him I'm not his maid. I've apologised for it 3 times but he still brings it up. I've told him he has to learn to let stuff go once it's resolved but he seems to lack this ability. I see that. How old is this guy Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertchocolat77 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 I see that. How old is this guy He's 36 yrs old Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 What I'm curious about OP, was were you actually picking little fights on purpose? Well, maybe, not on purpose purpose, but subconsciously? I think he's just a bit upset that he probably planned this whole nice proposal and then, he gets there and you yell at him about leaving a bowl on the table when you yourself say the two of you share chores so this wasn't like an all the time thing. Link to post Share on other sites
TokyoG33kyGal Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 i think his reason is too shallow for not proposing. maybe he wasn't really going to propose to you (might be having cold feet prior to the meeting) and he saw this small fight as a ticket for an exit. he could be using this "proposal" card to you as a carrot stick so you would prove yourself to him and do the things he wants you to do. if you are having frequent fights and you always yell at him whenever you fight, then he is being rational. but basing alone on your posts, i think he is just waiting for you to breakup with him. i think he's the one afraid of commitment. it's called projection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertchocolat77 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 What I'm curious about OP, was were you actually picking little fights on purpose? Well, maybe, not on purpose purpose, but subconsciously? I think he's just a bit upset that he probably planned this whole nice proposal and then, he gets there and you yell at him about leaving a bowl on the table when you yourself say the two of you share chores so this wasn't like an all the time thing. No not on purpose but I have stipulated several times that I shouldn't have yelled at him and I apologised each time and he won't let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 He's 36 yrs old I see. Does he have a stable job Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertchocolat77 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 i think his reason is too shallow for not proposing. maybe he wasn't really going to propose to you (might be having cold feet prior to the meeting) and he saw this small fight as a ticket for an exit. he could be using this "proposal" card to you as a carrot stick so you would prove yourself to him and do the things he wants you to do. if you are having frequent fights and you always yell at him whenever you fight, then he is being rational. but basing alone on your posts, i think he is just waiting for you to breakup with him. i think he's the one afraid of commitment. it's called projection. He's been talking about getting married ever since we met. He's bought and sent me wedding magazines, always talks about how he can't wait to have mini versions of me running around our house, etc so I know he's definitely not a committment phobic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertchocolat77 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 I see. Does he have a stable job yes he does. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 yes he does. Well, I am glad he at least has that in place. I am not sure what else he wants from you or does he enjoy this power trip he is on by holding your mistakes over your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertchocolat77 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 Well, I am glad he at least has that in place. I am not sure what else he wants from you or does he enjoy this power trip he is on by holding your mistakes over your head. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing this as I can't see his face or read his body language right now. Link to post Share on other sites
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