LDR Dumped suddenly without any warnings

[SundayGirl]

Hello everyone!

 

I find myself suddenly (very suddenly!) single after a 5 month LDR.

 

There were no arguments, I had no warnings, picked up on no signals that anything was amiss (I am very intuituve so this is a shock to me) and it strikes me as all being very hasty.

 

Of course I dont know that for certain, he may have been building up to it for some time but I dont believe he was.

 

He phoned me on a Friday night to ask if we could put things on hold, he was finding the distance too hard as we only see each other twice a month. He said it was nothing to do with me, he wasnt blaming me, it wasnt my fault.

 

I asked how long he had been thinking about this because I hadnt been aware he wasnt happy and he said since Wednesday.

 

Immediately I though i better do some damage control so instead of getting emotional I said "ok if thats what you want thats what we'll do."

 

I asked him what 'on hold' meant and he said "eehh maybe a break, i dont know, but i cant see anything changing anyway so what good would a break be...'

 

so I said ok, and he asked if we could be friends and I said I didnt know, we would see how it panned out.

 

He asked if that was a no or a maybe and i told him i couldnt give him an answer but i didnt think it was likely because our relationship didnt work long distance I didnt see how a friendship would either.

 

Then I told him this was all very sudden and if he had met someone else I would prefer if he just told me.

 

He said he hadnt and I am inclined to believe him.

 

I asked what happened on the wednesday that started him thinking of this and he said he found out he would have to work the weekend and wouldnt be able to visit me like we had planned. He said we barely see each other as it is and things like this will always happen and he finds it too difficult to deal with.

 

 

 

We ended the conversation that he would phone me in the morning to see how i was.

 

I phoned him back later that night when i was emotional and I asked why he didnt come to tell me in person/had i done something wrong etc etc (mistakes , i know! Even as I was saying the words I knew I was making mistakes) I didnt ask him to reconsider I just told him i was upset and suprised and disappointed he did it over the phone.

 

He told me he was starting a new course soon and would have even less time on his hands to make matters worse. (He never told me he was thinking of going back to education)

 

I told him I'd miss him and I loved him and he said the same back and then said he had to go, and he hung up on me. I phoned back 3 times and he rejected the calls then switched off his phone.

 

Sooo... I panicked.

 

I sent 8 texts (yes, 8) syaing please answer, etc etc, then what will I do with your stuff, if i did something wrong im sorry, we never got to say goodbe in person, and then lastly -its not fair to dump me by phone and then switch yours off when its the only way i have of contacting you.

 

(YIKES)

 

THe next day on my break from work I had 5 missed calls from him.

 

So I phoned him back and he said again i didnt do anything wrong, it wasnt my fault, keep the stuff, please dont be annoyed with me, will you be my friend, call me when youre in my area and we'll meet for coffee. I told him he should have done this in person, and i was annoyed about that.

then I asked was that it then?

And he said say you'll be my friend. (i didnt say anything)

I told him i had to go back to work and he said he would call me that night (sat).

 

He never called.

 

I dont know what to do, this is so out of the blue.

 

Part of me thinks he was made a hasty decision that he will regret and come back, and the other part is terrifed that I'll never hear from him again.

 

We have no mutual friends and live on opposite sides of the country so its not like we will bump into each other.

 

I feel i cant contact him because it will push him further away and it looks like he wants space beacuse he switched his phone off that night.

 

Im so shocked and hurt

[wild_urge]

It seems to me that you might be right thinking that he just made a bad decision and will regret it later. Try to relax and give him some time to think. Long distance is really hard and men aren't exactly the planers, they don't think as much for the future we do and maybe he just got overwhelmed by the fact that he'll be able to see you less often. Although, if he doesn't call you in a few days, then you shouldn't punish yourself, then it obviously means that it wouldn't have been worth wasting your time on someone who's ready to leave you so fast when thing get though, just think about it. Keep us updated and good luck!

[Lil1]

SundayGirl, I'm so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time right now. I know how hard a LDR can be, and it is definitely not something that everyone can do. I must admit that I empathize with your ex a little because I broke off a LDR after 3 months when I realized that I wasn't strong enough to go through long periods of missing him and I cried myself to sleep so many nights because I felt so lonely without him. I also ended it over the phone, after several conversations about why I couldnt continue in a LDR with him.

 

I think that the suddenness of it makes it much worse and perhaps he could have been a little more sensitive and waited to speak with you about it in person (as I could have - but my situation is a little different because my ex took the easy road out by just leaving, then expecting me to follow when there was no need for him to take such drastic measures). The best advice I can give you is to try to find some closure for yourself. He said you could keep his things but maybe you should pack them up, write him a sincere and respectful letter, telling him everything you wish you could say to him in person, and send it to him. After that, go NC. Focus on yourself and just let things be. Time will only tell what will happen between the two of you. If he does make contact again and he insists on remaining friends then ask yourself if you could ever honestly just remain friends. What happens if either of you enters a new relationship? will the friendship continue and would that really be fair to your new relationship? and will the friendship between the two of you ever truly be honest?

 

I hope that your healing process will be swift, just remember that there are many possibilities out there, and as much as it hurts to let this one go, you will find happiness again with someone else. Keep the hope alive, and don't beat yourself up about it. Keep posting here and let out your feelings, it helps to talk about it and to know that you are not alone in your experiences.

[Butterflying]

At least he phoned to tell you there was a break rather than just disappearing without you ever seeing or hearing from him again. Trust me, I'd much rather a break up like the one you had so you're not left wondering "what the heck happened," and "where did he go."

 

Then years later he resurfaces, perhaps calls you, and acts like nothing ever changed. Then makes you feel like a fool because apparently, you're the only one who knew he was missing!!!! Aaaaaggggghhhh!

Edited February 1, 2011 by Butterflying

[IfiKnewThen]

first of all i am very sorry you are going through this. hugs.

 

i know whats it like to lose someone long distance. mine was for a long time...years and then bam he didnt even tell me like youre being told. was just cold and faded off and i had to come to him and say whats going on whats wrong....then the cant we be friends speech and in the end he didnt even offer me friendship.

 

any there is a similar post on LS going on called..."coping with a sudden break up". in the coping section on here. you might want to read those posts too.

 

i dont know how old you guys are but he may have G.I.G.S. syndrome. you have to do a search on here and enter G.I.G.S.

 

some people cant hack LDR. he seemed to really check out of it fast though. thats a wee bit unusual for LDR. there is often an attachment that happens with LDR. he may really have little energy for the distance..some cant take it. or..maybe he didnt think you were compatible OR maybe someone else did get his interest and he wants time to pursue it.

 

we really dont know BUT dont blame yourself and go easy on yourself and thank God you didnt invest more time in him. it really is better knowing early on. i know you feel you didnt even really get a chance to get out of the starting gate. but again thank God not more time and the heart was invested. i know you can fall in love almost over night..at first site . but it gets deeply rooted over a LONG time and you wont have to suffer that grave pain. give it time. give your heart time to heal. and dont let this short term lover....ruin your long term happiness. it WILL come again.

[folieadeux]

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. I know your search for closure one way or another is probably overwhelming all other thoughts right now, but I really think it's best if you refrain from contacting him anymore. This doesn't allow you to heal and will only push him away. If he wants to get in touch with you, he knows how. Without having any other background on your relationship minus your post, it sounds like this may be one of those rare cases where he may have called things off out of frustration over the distance more than anything else and now regrets it. I could be way off, but there really is no way to tell right now and calling/texting him won't help things either. He'll either come back or he won't but in the meantime, you can't put your life on hold either and wait around for him.

[SundayGirl]

I've deleted his no, his mothers no, his work no and his home no.

I don't know any of them off by heart so I now have no way of contacting him.

He doesn't email or fb.

 

I took note of the last 3 digits of his cell no. in case he calls so I'll recognise it.

 

But I can't actually phone him.

 

I hope I haven't been too hasty, we only broke up 3 days ago.

[IfiKnewThen]

excellent move!!!

[SundayGirl]

Just woke up from a nap and was dreaming that he had been calling me and sending text msgs.

 

Frantic phone checking ensued when i woke.

 

This is torture!

 

I wonder if he is doing the same?

[IfiKnewThen]

yeah, those kinds of dreams are common, and its the subconscious mind trying to discharge feelings, that the conscious mind finds hard to deal with now. of course its wishful thinking too. you almost want to WILL them to do something in your mind and thoughts and surfaces in our dreams. maybe with any luck, its a prophetic dream and he will call. i dont know... all i know is , i know its all painful right now.

 

 

in the beginning mornings you panic sometimes. the brain is trying to catch up with the new thoughts. its natural to feel tortured a bit.

 

hang in there. you sound smart and nice. and as i said...you will do better than this in the future and find someone who really appreciates you : ) just give it some time. : )

[HeavenOrHell]

So sorry to hear this, but some people just don't cope well with LDR's, some people wouldn't get involved with one in the first place, which I can well understand.

I've wondered at times if I am happy with only seeing my partner every 6-8 weeks, sometimes I've felt it's not what I want, that I'm not happy not having my life with him properly, missing out on hugs, intimacy, doing stuff together.

It does just sound like your partner just couldn't handle the distance

[SundayGirl]

Thanks for all your support, you are all so nice. It's comforting to hear opinions from others who've had similar experiences.

 

I've been keeping myself busy at work, exercising, reaching out to my friends And family etc.

 

I dont feel as awful as I did a few days ago.

 

I'm concerned that my behaviour the night he broke up with me may have ruined any chance of him changing his mind, what do u guys think?

 

It's been 4 days since we spoke and since I met him we've never gone this long without talking.

 

Dreamed again last night that I woke up and had 3 missed calls and 25 texts from him during the night. When I woke up I was clenching my hand wondering why my phone wasn't in it! Lol oh maybe I'm losing the plot altogther!

[SundayGirl]

Part of the reason I fear I'll never hear from him again was beacyse if the way he spoke about his previous ex-girlfriends.

 

He said that once it's over it's over an the past should say in the past.

One girl used to keep calling him so he blocked her no. then she started calling him from hidden no.s

 

I don't want to be another one of those girls to him!

[SundayGirl]

(Sorry for all the typos)

[IfiKnewThen]

its amazing how we will for these things to happen, even in our dreams.

 

but one time i dreampt i saw him come online (hes been off, or hiding from me, or blocking me or whatever...i feel the latter)

 

i am so sad about him being offline..it just felt nice to see him appear on my buddy list seeing the activity..comings and goings..

 

any i had a dream i saw him come on. then a few days later he did come back on for 10 mins. then left again its like seeing someone visit in the neighborhood then leave. anyway...my point is...it was like the dream came to fruition. (at least for those few moments)

 

hey let me know if any of those dreams come true. but anyway i am glad you feel better. i am super glad you have a support team...reaching out to friends and family.

 

its so crazy but i wish i would just see him on my buddy list again..(as active) not dead no activity. the worst part is he always "talked" about being friends..but in the end sure didnt act like one. i felt like i was standing in a room that was being striped little by little..first he pulled the rug from under my feel, then tore the curtains of the windows then removed everything in the room and lastly shut of the lights AKA the buddy list. (metaphor) feels like i am in a dark cold empty room with no lights. (lol) sorry rambling. anyway youre doing great. hang in there and be proud of yourself...and give it all time.

[IfiKnewThen]

Part of the reason I fear I'll never hear from him again was beacyse if the way he spoke about his previous ex-girlfriends.

 

He said that once it's over it's over an the past should say in the past.

One girl used to keep calling him so he blocked her no. then she started calling him from hidden no.s

 

I don't want to be another one of those girls to him!

 

wow i just now saw this post sundaygirl. i had been told the same thing about..once hes done with something. and i saw it first hand. and he couldnt seem to concentrate on 2 things at once, where emotions lie anyway.

 

but you are unique and different and he may treat it that way. but if this IS his rut...of the "past is the past philosophy", then you wont hear from him right away. but i still feel eventually you will. even if its to check up on you. but the idea is to just heal and get him out of your head.

[SundayGirl]

Man I hate online avoidance!

Had that with a past relationship and it sucks!

 

How are we goin to ignore their calls if they're not calling?? Lol

 

I think I'd heal alot quicker if he was callin :-/

 

but maybe it's a case of what we want and what we need being two very different things huh?

[IfiKnewThen]

very true.

 

hang in there. you will probably hear from him again..sooner or later. but keep moving forward and stay strong.

[SundayGirl]

Tonight it'll be 1 wk since he ended it and 6 days of NC.

 

I can't believe he hasn't contaced me.

We spoke every day since we met.

 

I wish I knew if he missed me.

 

Yesterday I joined the gym and the library, might as well fill my time in a positive way.

 

Ima be smart AND ripped lol

[IfiKnewThen]

proud of you. stay strong. i know that IS a long time WHEN, just the very opposite was true not too long ago. when you spoke everyday and every night.

 

 

but somehow i do get the feeling you will hear from him again..about something or another. even if you dont. if he wanted to check out then that is his loss. (for real..not JUST saying that...i mean it!!) you need to believe that too. lol get ripped . it will make you feel better and helps work off the shock and stress. rest too. eat good. healing emotionally is like healing physically in SOME ways. and nothing like physically in other ways (lol). but being that the body works with the mind and the mind the body...it can only help to do something good for your body. in turn your mind will feel better. the heart takes time...but that will heal too. anyway you go girl and keep your spirits up

[gator12]

Tonight it'll be 1 wk since he ended it and 6 days of NC.

 

I can't believe he hasn't contaced me.

We spoke every day since we met.

 

I wish I knew if he missed me.

 

Yesterday I joined the gym and the library, might as well fill my time in a positive way.

 

Ima be smart AND ripped lol

 

You need to stay strong sunday. Trust me i screwed up for 1 month and stayed in contact with my ex. We were also LDR and only saw each other every other weekend. But we made those times count.

 

My advice, is to stay strict and I mean strict no contact. But not to get back to him, to heal. If you do it for the first reason you will break, and you will be miserable, and the second he throws the tiniest crumb you will jummp on it.

 

You read my thread, my ex threw 3 days of crumbs and I didn't answer even one. I didn't answer even when she called. I had all of the power, that is where you need to get yourself. I went into no contact to heal myself and move on. If she comes back sure that's great and I'll have a clear head and clear look on the relationship.

 

You need to do whatever it takes to get him out of your head, write in a journal take up a hobby whatever it takes for you to start having some fun. Go into no contact with the goal of moving on. If he comes back/wants you back nothing will stop him. Yea he forgot his other gf's but you said yourself, they chased him, they pursued him. You are doing the exact opposite. His ego is going to be crushed immensely, he's going to think "doesn't she love me, why isn't she calling". And then he will throw you crumbs and you CANNOT reply to them. Read my thread again if you're even tempted too. Whether he miss you or not is not your concern, you will know if he does. He will be back

 

I accidentally answered and basically screwed up her first attempt at reconciliation, will she be back who knows? I am in no contact for me, not to get her back. I want her back sure, I love her, but I know this is what I have to do for me. I put myself first this time.

 

No contact will give you time to really think on the relationship and decide if you really want him back, as I did with my ex. But the fact is if he ever comes back you need to take things slow. You need to make sure you try and solve your problems. Second chances fail because of one thing, because the same issues that ruined the original relationship will creep back up again.

 

Right now your move is simple, you stay in no contact you stay strong. You live your life. You don't know what the future has in store, but I give you this comfort. If it is truly meant to be, he will come back. I promise you that.

 

Stay strong

-Gator

[selena_cat]

You need to stay strong sunday. Trust me i screwed up for 1 month and stayed in contact with my ex. We were also LDR and only saw each other every other weekend. But we made those times count.

 

My advice, is to stay strict and I mean strict no contact. But not to get back to him, to heal. If you do it for the first reason you will break, and you will be miserable, and the second he throws the tiniest crumb you will jummp on it.

 

You read my thread, my ex threw 3 days of crumbs and I didn't answer even one. I didn't answer even when she called. I had all of the power, that is where you need to get yourself. I went into no contact to heal myself and move on. If she comes back sure that's great and I'll have a clear head and clear look on the relationship.

 

You need to do whatever it takes to get him out of your head, write in a journal take up a hobby whatever it takes for you to start having some fun. Go into no contact with the goal of moving on. If he comes back/wants you back nothing will stop him. Yea he forgot his other gf's but you said yourself, they chased him, they pursued him. You are doing the exact opposite. His ego is going to be crushed immensely, he's going to think "doesn't she love me, why isn't she calling". And then he will throw you crumbs and you CANNOT reply to them. Read my thread again if you're even tempted too. Whether he miss you or not is not your concern, you will know if he does. He will be back

 

I accidentally answered and basically screwed up her first attempt at reconciliation, will she be back who knows? I am in no contact for me, not to get her back. I want her back sure, I love her, but I know this is what I have to do for me. I put myself first this time.

 

No contact will give you time to really think on the relationship and decide if you really want him back, as I did with my ex. But the fact is if he ever comes back you need to take things slow. You need to make sure you try and solve your problems. Second chances fail because of one thing, because the same issues that ruined the original relationship will creep back up again.

 

Right now your move is simple, you stay in no contact you stay strong. You live your life. You don't know what the future has in store, but I give you this comfort. If it is truly meant to be, he will come back. I promise you that.

 

Stay strong

-Gator

 

Gator you have really good advice about going strict NC,i have one question which is obvious if one wants to stay on NC.

You said if they,the ex sends you the tiniest bit of crumbs dont reply.

I ask this in my case it would be ideal since he didnt reply to my contact

However i could not totally never reply to him,or wouldnt that hinder any chance of reconcilation if you totally ignore them?Even if they do deserve it. Just curious.

 

 

.

[HeavenOrHell]

If an ex is serious about wanting to reconcile they will find a way whether you have gone NC or not.

 

 

Gator you have really good advice about going strict NC,i have one question which is obvious if one wants to stay on NC.

You said if they,the ex sends you the tiniest bit of crumbs dont reply.

I ask this in my case it would be ideal since he didnt reply to my contact

However i could not totally never reply to him,or wouldnt that hinder any chance of reconcilation if you totally ignore them?Even if they do deserve it. Just curious.

 

 

.

[sammyd]

Sundaygirl, really sorry to hear what your going through, but kudos to you for getting out there and joining the gym and stuff:)

Exercise is great for occupying your mind, plus, it makes you look great:)

[Jonno_S]

Part of the reason I fear I'll never hear from him again was beacyse if the way he spoke about his previous ex-girlfriends.

 

He said that once it's over it's over an the past should say in the past.

One girl used to keep calling him so he blocked her no. then she started calling him from hidden no.s

 

I don't want to be another one of those girls to him!

 

But you will be one of those girls, and maybe already are. I think the breakup went pretty well, all things considered. Sure it hurts, but he was forthright. You say it was out of the blue, but I think he communicated his ideas pretty quickly with you. I personally don't like LDRs so maybe he's like me. I don't like exGFs around either.