I'll feel bad about leaving her at 30.

[1978cookingguy]

Hi there,

 

Your advice would be appreciated on this. Sorry, it's a long post and hopefully not to vague....

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly seven years and have lived together for around half that time. She is 30 and I am 32. We are not engaged.

Over the time we have lived together I have had occasional doubts about us and I have weighed the pros and cons of our relationship and have decided that we are better off together. I have looked at the good times we've had, the better person I am for meeting her and the fact that she is caring, kind and loyal and would make a great mother one day. The cons have been ; Our conversation is limited as we are into different things: she likes TV and I am more of a reader/documentary guy. We play different sports and when we go out we prefer to invite friends. When it is just the two of us we tend to struggle for conversation. We coexist in an unwritten agreement to be nice day to day it seems but we don;t spark conversaion because we are into totally different things. It just doesn't feel right.

There is not much in the way of bedroom activity, she just hasn't got much of a drive for sex and admits this. I get very frustrated sexually and don't feel like I could go on in the same way forever.

 

I haven't been honest with myself when I've pondered my doubts about our relationship. I've never actually thought that we are basically married and that this is what our marriage will be like if we tie the knot. I've always felt that despite everything we would get back on track and that because we have (what seems like always) been together we could work through everything and get married and have kids. Perhaps I thought 'well we've come this far'.

 

We were on holiday in the summer with a large group of friends and I managed to drag her away for a meal one night for just the two of us and I talked about the future (i.e. marriage, kids) and I just didn't feel like I was getting anything back from her. It seemed kinda 'yeah could do - whatever'. The problem here for me is that I have long suspected she isn't 100 percent in love with me and that the house we have bought and improved together is what is important to her. Being with someone and buying funiture on Sunday and DIY projects and all that is important to her. Perhaps she knows our relationship isn't as good as it should but I suspect she worries about being single at thirty if we broke.

 

A couple of months ago I really started to question my relationship again and decided I really needed to talk to her in plain language about the things in our relationship that don't make us complete. Whenever we have talked in the past it has generally been about the things I'm doing/not doing (I have to do a certain amount of study related to my work, I haven't always been great at housekeeping etc) and I end up apologising but this time I wanted to get across the way I feel once and for all. I said I had serious doubts about our relationship. I told her that I didn't feel the spark in conversation and I told her about the conversation back in the summer where I felt I could have been anyone who would 'do'. I told her I couldn't go on having sex once a month.

 

It's always been hard to talk to her about this stuff without her walking off our her trying to make me feel bad. I've given in sometimes in the past but since our last conversation things have improved little.

 

The problem is that I am still having the thoughts I've harboured for the last year e.g......'are we actually right together?'.....'why have we had so many problems just to create a spark'......'why is it so difficult?'.......'why isn't this just a temporary glitch?'....'at our age we should be with partners that are naturally sparking together - plenty of time to be middle aged when are middle aged'.

 

After racking things over in my brain for several months I have come to the conclusion that I am not IN love with her. I LOVE her - I care for her, I want the best for her but I also have incredible feelings of wanting to fall in love again....and that may not be with my current partner. I often fantasise about meeting someone entirely different and spending time with them. I have met a few women through friends and work that I get on with really well. We are into the same things and the same sense of humour and it is sustained over a long period. I've never made a move on any of these women and I don't intend to. It just makes me think that when I come home and miss the conversations with these girls, there is something wrong.

 

I have probably concentrated on the things that are bad in our relationship (however valid) because I have gradually realised I have fallen out of love for her and that we maybe we could both do better.

 

I am one of life's worriers. I haven't had a good night's sleep for six weeks and friends and colleagues say that I seem to be in a daze all the time. The truth is that I am thinking about my relationship all of the time and the fact that I am very close to making what will be the hardest decision I have ever made. I am going to feel awful if I leave her even though my close friends tell me I have to think of number one. Even if she doesn't love me as I suspect and even if things aren't great she is willing to put up with this and carry on regardless. I respect her for making the best of a situation but don't know if I can just carry on like that.

 

The one that is killing me is I'll feel bad about leaving her single at 30. Is that really bad of me? I want her to move on and find a guy and have kids if we break...I don't want her to end up childless in 10 years. I just know that I haven't been happy for a long time and that I have had serious doubts about us many times. If this is what our marriage will be like I won't be happy and I have spent alot of time working over my feelings and at the age of 32 I need to make my decision. I don't know yet whether to call for a break and see whether this really is the right decision or whether to leave.

 

My question is whether I should temporarily break with her to see if this is the right decision or whether I should just end it in Jan as I had initially thought. My other question is should I feel bad about leaving a girl at the age of 30?

 

Any advice/experience would be really appreciated so thanks in Advance

 

B

 

P.S I am terrible at comprehending my own feelings and there have been times when I've needed to man up and I am not confident making big decisions. Maybe I'm not emotionally mature enough - I just so mixed up and guilt about my feelings is making me unhappy.

[folieadeux]

I'm not quite sure why this is in the LDR section but hey ho, welcome.

 

It sounds like the pair of you are incompatible, to say the very least, and I'm really questioning how you've managed to stay together for this long. You shouldn't feel like you have to stay with her, or anyone else for that matter, simply because of an aribitrary number. The fact that this question even has to be asked is proof enough. Life is too short; you both are doing each other a great disservice by staying together when it seems (from what you've written) that you both need and want to be with other people. I wish you both the best of luck and hope that you find what you're looking for and can truly be happy. You deserve it.

[hoping2heal]

Hi there,

 

Your advice would be appreciated on this. Sorry, it's a long post and hopefully not to vague....

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly seven years and have lived together for around half that time. She is 30 and I am 32. We are not engaged.

Over the time we have lived together I have had occasional doubts about us and I have weighed the pros and cons of our relationship and have decided that we are better off together. I have looked at the good times we've had, the better person I am for meeting her and the fact that she is caring, kind and loyal and would make a great mother one day. The cons have been ; Our conversation is limited as we are into different things: she likes TV and I am more of a reader/documentary guy. We play different sports and when we go out we prefer to invite friends. When it is just the two of us we tend to struggle for conversation. We coexist in an unwritten agreement to be nice day to day it seems but we don;t spark conversaion because we are into totally different things. It just doesn't feel right.

There is not much in the way of bedroom activity, she just hasn't got much of a drive for sex and admits this. I get very frustrated sexually and don't feel like I could go on in the same way forever.

 

I haven't been honest with myself when I've pondered my doubts about our relationship. I've never actually thought that we are basically married and that this is what our marriage will be like if we tie the knot. I've always felt that despite everything we would get back on track and that because we have (what seems like always) been together we could work through everything and get married and have kids. Perhaps I thought 'well we've come this far'.

 

We were on holiday in the summer with a large group of friends and I managed to drag her away for a meal one night for just the two of us and I talked about the future (i.e. marriage, kids) and I just didn't feel like I was getting anything back from her. It seemed kinda 'yeah could do - whatever'. The problem here for me is that I have long suspected she isn't 100 percent in love with me and that the house we have bought and improved together is what is important to her. Being with someone and buying funiture on Sunday and DIY projects and all that is important to her. Perhaps she knows our relationship isn't as good as it should but I suspect she worries about being single at thirty if we broke.

 

A couple of months ago I really started to question my relationship again and decided I really needed to talk to her in plain language about the things in our relationship that don't make us complete. Whenever we have talked in the past it has generally been about the things I'm doing/not doing (I have to do a certain amount of study related to my work, I haven't always been great at housekeeping etc) and I end up apologising but this time I wanted to get across the way I feel once and for all. I said I had serious doubts about our relationship. I told her that I didn't feel the spark in conversation and I told her about the conversation back in the summer where I felt I could have been anyone who would 'do'. I told her I couldn't go on having sex once a month.

 

It's always been hard to talk to her about this stuff without her walking off our her trying to make me feel bad. I've given in sometimes in the past but since our last conversation things have improved little.

 

The problem is that I am still having the thoughts I've harboured for the last year e.g......'are we actually right together?'.....'why have we had so many problems just to create a spark'......'why is it so difficult?'.......'why isn't this just a temporary glitch?'....'at our age we should be with partners that are naturally sparking together - plenty of time to be middle aged when are middle aged'.

 

After racking things over in my brain for several months I have come to the conclusion that I am not IN love with her. I LOVE her - I care for her, I want the best for her but I also have incredible feelings of wanting to fall in love again....and that may not be with my current partner. I often fantasise about meeting someone entirely different and spending time with them. I have met a few women through friends and work that I get on with really well. We are into the same things and the same sense of humour and it is sustained over a long period. I've never made a move on any of these women and I don't intend to. It just makes me think that when I come home and miss the conversations with these girls, there is something wrong.

 

I have probably concentrated on the things that are bad in our relationship (however valid) because I have gradually realised I have fallen out of love for her and that we maybe we could both do better.

 

I am one of life's worriers. I haven't had a good night's sleep for six weeks and friends and colleagues say that I seem to be in a daze all the time. The truth is that I am thinking about my relationship all of the time and the fact that I am very close to making what will be the hardest decision I have ever made. I am going to feel awful if I leave her even though my close friends tell me I have to think of number one. Even if she doesn't love me as I suspect and even if things aren't great she is willing to put up with this and carry on regardless. I respect her for making the best of a situation but don't know if I can just carry on like that.

 

The one that is killing me is I'll feel bad about leaving her single at 30. Is that really bad of me? I want her to move on and find a guy and have kids if we break...I don't want her to end up childless in 10 years. I just know that I haven't been happy for a long time and that I have had serious doubts about us many times. If this is what our marriage will be like I won't be happy and I have spent alot of time working over my feelings and at the age of 32 I need to make my decision. I don't know yet whether to call for a break and see whether this really is the right decision or whether to leave.

 

My question is whether I should temporarily break with her to see if this is the right decision or whether I should just end it in Jan as I had initially thought. My other question is should I feel bad about leaving a girl at the age of 30?

 

Any advice/experience would be really appreciated so thanks in Advance

 

B

 

P.S I am terrible at comprehending my own feelings and there have been times when I've needed to man up and I am not confident making big decisions. Maybe I'm not emotionally mature enough - I just so mixed up and guilt about my feelings is making me unhappy.

 

No, you are not a bad or terrible person. If anything it sounds like you've been very thoughtful about the situation and how all parties will be impacted. You know something is missing and you won't be happy staying with her. You both gave it your best shot and this is where you wound up. A few years ago when I first my my SO he was telling me a story about what he wanted most and his answer was "Someone I can talk too." That sounds simple enough doesn't it? He wanted someone he could trust and confide in. Someone who in return would trust and confide in him back. He wanted someone who he had things in common with, who he could talk with at any moment because they understood each other. It sounds simple but you would be surprised how many people struggle with that "simple" thing in their own relationship. I wanted that same thing he did, well we clicked

 

I think the best thing you can do is be honest with yourself and her and end the relationship. It will really do neither of you good to stay in this situation. You have given it 7 years to be something it never was and as you are realizing, never will be.

 

I used to have a friend who stayed with a woman he didn't really want to be with because he felt guilty about leaving her. First her sister died, and then her mother lost her mind over the death of her sister. He was not in love with her and didn't want to be there but he felt so guilty about leaving her when all of that was going on. Needless to say? About two years of that and he turned eventually just resentful and bitter that relationship really broke him and changed him, even though he wasn't in love.

 

No one will EVER benefit from a partner that stays out of guilt or a sense of obligation. Do not do that to yourself or to her.

[recuerdeme]

If you have clearly laid out your feelings to your GF and she isn't changing to make you feel better than there isn't much left to do but end it.

 

I think you may be more in love with her than you think. But love isn't everything and it shouldn't be the only thing that keeps a relationship going.

 

Have a true heart to heart with her and whatever results from that conversation should remain the decision be it to leave or stay. I have a feeling she'll fend indifference and say fine leave, which may make you try harder to get an emotion from her that tells you she cares, BUT remember what ever is decided should stay

[aerogurl87]

You should NEVER stay with someone out of guilt or obligation. It just makes you resentful in the end and is bad for everyone involved. If you're not happy then you need to sit her down, tell her how you feel, and then end things. She may be sad and angry about it, but in the end it will be for the best for both of you. No one deserves to be in a loveless relationship.

[sally4sara]

Life doesn't end at age 30 for anyone let alone women. I got married on my 36th bday.

 

What is worse, you guys break up and she finds someone else and whatever life had in store for her and her fortitude towards seeking her goals?

 

You stay together discontentedly and, best case scenario, you squeak out a blah life till you die?

 

You say you' suspect she doesn't love you so much as she loves having a home and someone to fill the SO slot? This makes you feel a lack of love?

 

Well if you stay, won't you be doing the same? With her feeling a a lack of love?

[1978cookingguy]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your posts. I really appreciate strangers having the time to read my post and give honest feedback.

 

I decided in the long run it would be best for both of us to split. Last weekend I ended up sitting her down and talking it through.

 

I said that we had tried to fix things before and that and that we might have to accept that it isn't meant to be (yeah that's the kind of language I use - picture an overpolite Hugh Grant, the kind of English guy stereotype like to imagine and you've got me ;-)).

 

I said that we were both young enough to find people suited and that in the long run this would be better for us.

 

I told her that we didn't need to stay together because of time spent already.

 

Obviously she got very upset. She crumpled. She told me that she loved me and that she didn't want me to go.

 

'Please don't leave me'

'What you're saying - It really hurts'

'I can't imagine life without you'

'I want to have your kids'

 

In the end it was too much for me - I held her tightly, I felt terrible. By now I had all of these feelings flooding into my mind. I started to change the talk from leaving her to making a temporary move out. She suggested she should move out for a week if it helped (in reality I don't have a ton of places to go). I think that I felt pity or maybe it was love (not IN love feelings, but love and a deep sorrow for hurting her).

 

Over the next few hours we spent time together - holding each other and talking.

 

The worst thing was that we ended up having sex. That's bad because I had began by trying to leave her - ended up not leaving her - and ended up sleeping with her.

 

We are still together for the time being. I feel like ***** for upsetting her so much yet I don't feel in love with her. She is all over me - telling me she loves me, kissing me all the time but I am in so much doubt about the way I feel.

 

Part me says I need to grow a pair of balls and leave her no matter the pain and the other part of me cannot bare seeing her the way she was the other day.

 

I am truly screwed up right now. I cannot face the pain but yearn to meet someone new and fall in love again.

 

What is wrong with me? I knew it wouldn't be easy but I feel really bad.

 

Any feedback appreciated

[folieadeux]

I'm sorry to see what a mess everything turned into, but you already know what you need to do. You can't just continue to be with her out of pity. You already said you're not in love with her, so there's really no point. You leaving would hurt her alot less in the long run than continuing to sleep with her and forcing yourself to believe everything is okay.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

you said it yourself, dude -- you need to grow a pair of balls. staying with her or leaving her will have the same outcome -- somebody will get hurt. by staying, you are fooling her and fooling yourself. just think that you will do her a favor if you leave.

[lala82]

Honestly I think u shouldn't live in the same place with her. Living in the same place won't help you to move on. If you want to end things, you shouldn’t have sex with her, because this will give her false hopes. It's hard but its better that you try to find a new place to live. You don't have the obligation to be with someone that you do not love enough to get marry.

 

I lived with my ex bf for one year. We had a lot of problems. We cared and loved each other. But, we were not fall in love anymore. It was hard for me to split up with him. I had dreams of having a family with him. But at the end of the day what’s the point to be carry on with a dead relationship. If you care about her, just let her go. I am sure both of you will find the right person in the future.

[BettyBoop]

I said that we had tried to fix things before and that and that we might have to accept that it isn't meant to be.

 

That's good.

 

I said that we were both young enough to find people suited and that in the long run this would be better for us. I told her that we didn't need to stay together because of time spent already.

 

That's good too.

 

In the end it was too much for me - I held her tightly, I felt terrible. I started to change the talk from leaving her to making a temporary move out.

 

That's bad. Don't ever give someone false hope - I broke up with a crying fiancé and he was looking for false hope. At first, he got it - but then I realised I really did want to end it as it was never going to work and I stayed firm - ignored the pleads and tears. Focused on what *I* needed to do.

 

The worst thing was that we ended up having sex.

 

That's extremely bad...it gives false hope as well. Makes one think things are "good again". Same thing happened to my close friend when her b/f dumped her recently.. Stop having sex with us when you're dumping us, you guys!! It sends mixed messages...

 

Part me says I need to grow a pair of balls and leave her no matter the pain and the other part of me cannot bare seeing her the way she was the other day.

 

You do. This may be drying her tears but it won't be long until you try to break it off again. You need to sit down with her again and say that you're sorry for being weak but you really do want to end it. In spite of the crying, END IT. Be firm. It hurts like HELL to be dumped but you get over it! She will too! You're only keeping her in limbo and will cause her further pain down the road.

 

What is wrong with me? I knew it wouldn't be easy but I feel really bad.

 

You remind me so much of me...I'm in a similar situation where I feel the relationship is doomed but I'm having a hard time letting go and making up my mind - because we have a lot in common and we like each other so much. But we argue all the time and it's not that good between us - but then again we're in a LDR.

 

It's never easy. But you know what? Neither me nor my boyfriend ever regretted ending our previous relationships - even when our exes were our current best friends and it was difficult to let go. Nothing is wrong with you! You're a nice guy who can't just cold heartedly dump a girl who's crying in front of you who you still care about... Trust me, no matter how much she cries - no girl wants to be with a man who isn't crazy about her.

 

Only regret the things you do - not the things you didn't do.

[HeavenOrHell]

It never works to stay with someone out of pity. I was left in my 40's after a very LTR, it happens, people become single in their 30's, 40's 50's, 60's 70's! No-one wants to be patronised.

You're not a bad person, although sleeping with her wasn't a smart move

[stillafool]

Don't worry about her being 30. 30 is a very desireable age for women and she will have no problems finding another. I would say tell her right away how you feel so as to not waste anymore of her time or yours. You are right to break up if you are not in love.