Jump to content

Struggling...


Recommended Posts

OK, I have a question.

 

How on earth do I stop myself going insane with paranoia? I mean, seriously.

 

My SO has been away for 2 weeks now. Not long, I know, but considering we lived together and so saw each other every single day, it's a big change. To start with, he was just at the hotel a lot, so we could Skype when I got home from work. Now he's started his job, and the time difference makes things a lot more difficult. I'm having later nights waiting up just to speak to him when he gets back from work.

 

I don't like my job at the moment, and am looking at leaving and moving back in with my parents. Kinda feel like I need the support network right about now. So I spend my days struggling with work and the difficulties I have in it, and then my evenings cooking dinner, doing hobbies etc. He loves his job. He says the people are great, the department is great, it's so much better than his previous job back here. I'm happy for him. But I'm also insanely paranoid that he's going to be having so much fun at work and making new friends that he's going to forget about me, stuck back here, living alone and in a crappy job.

 

Stupid, right? When I brought this up to him he scoffed and told me to stop being so negative. I can't make him understand that this isn't something I can't just switch off. I need constant reassurance that we're going to be OK. I just wish my head would stop going a million miles an hour!

 

I'm going out to see him at Christmas. I think what makes it worse though is that despite being so excited to see him I just keep thinking 'it's a temporary thing, I'm going to have to say goodbye to him and then come back here and be apart again'. How on earth do I get out of this mindset and stop being so paranoid? I feel like I'll go mad if this is how my brain is going to react every time he tells me he's enjoying himself. (Which I am glad for, don't get me wrong about that!)

Link to post
Share on other sites
creighton0123

Dear struggling,

 

I'd suggest you consider evaluating your relationship and changing it's premise. Is it hard not knowing what your partner is up to or having him be unreachable? Hell yeah! You mentioned time difference. I'm not sure how much of a difference you're dealing with.

 

However, any relationship, especially long distance ones, require a certain amount of selfless/unconditional love.

 

It gets easier if you've setup a number of rules around communication:

 

1. How often will you communicate, for how long, and via what mechanisms? If possible, I'd strongly suggest both of you get Skype + webcam. My boyfriend is a 14 hour difference now (East Coast vs. Japan). I've configured Skype to auto accept his call and turn on video so he can call while I'm sleeping and he can wake me up in the morning. It's also a nice thing to just leave on if you're both home at the same time. Even if on a computer screen, leaving a video channel open while you both do what you're doing emulates sharing the same space. Instead of you staying up and waiting for him, try the auto-accept with video so he can wake you up for a few minutes and see how you're doing.

 

2. Who will engage in communication? It is important to get this question out of the way. Not doing this can leave to feelings of jealousy/paranoia/resentment. If you just clarify that you will msg/call him when you see him online and he doesn't necessarily have to, it'll clear the air and make the moments he does reach out to you extra special.

 

3. You most likely talk to other friends who give you advice and tell you to "keep busy". Your boyfriend may even suggest that. This is the last thing you want to hear. In your mind, you don't want to "keep busy" without him. This is understandable, but know that you can be social and do things with him in mind. If you have a good phone or camera, take pictures/video where you go. Do you have an article of clothing or an item of his? If you do, take pictures of you at various places with it and send the pictures to him. If you have trouble communicating and want to talk to him, a private youTube video is the answer. With most modern webcams, they're very easy to make. Just upload, email him the link, and let him enjoy the video when he gets home.

 

4. Recognize that your brain wants a conventional relationship, but circumstances don't allow that. It is very easy to regret and hate the distance between you and your man. At first, it seems daunting - impossible. Instead, recognize that your relationship with him simply has a disability. Some people are blind - they can't see the person they love. Some are deaf - they can't hear the person they love. Without any innate disability, you can see and hear the person you love, but not touch. What do you do to compensate? Adapt. Replace touch with communication. If you require a certain amount, whether Skype, voice, video, email, text, or written letter and he fails to deliver, you have some thinking to do.

 

5. The all important end-date. How long will you be apart? Set a goal and a definitive end date. If only a year, recognize that a year flies by. Sure, the time will pass slow, but looking back on it you'll wonder where it went. Without an end date, you'll be left in perpetual limbo which brings with it a whole slew of unnecessary and unwanted emotions.

 

You're not alone in this,

 

RJ

Link to post
Share on other sites

^^^ Great advice.

 

To the OP, I just want to stress the importance of not sabotaging your relationship inadvertently. These things happen all the time in any relationship, long distance or not. One partner may be doing great in every avenue of their life, while the other is having a rough time. The distance only complicates things. We all understand your frustration here, trust me on that.

 

If you're unhappy with any aspect of your life, it's your job to be proactive and change it. Whether your SO was with you or not right now, he won't be able to change these things for you. Having him there would help of course, but it won't ultimately solve the problem.

 

I'm in a similar situation as you. Even though my SO and I both have careers, he is the one with the "better" one, for lack of a better term. He is also gone mostly every weekend, making communication a tad bit more difficult than it normally would be. Sure I could sit at home and be miserable, but I choose to make the most of my time and be constructive. I know people don't like to hear that, but staying busy really does help. I'm never envious of him nor him of me because we both understand how hard we've worked to get where we are today professionally and that keeps us grounded.

 

Just be sure to stay supportive and encouraging when speaking to your SO and try to be positive if you can. I know it's difficult, but if your SO senses negativity as a common occurrence, it can make the distance even more unbearable than it already is.

Edited by folieadeux
typos suck! :)
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...