LDR Woes

[dantesfire]

Hey everyone,

 

My GF and I have been together about six years, starting from 10th grade in HS. The first three years were great, as we were both living in the same area; however, in the fourth year I graduated and went to college, and the LDR nearly killed our relationship. She felt I didn't care, I thought she was withdrawing; the culmination was that she developed a massive crush on another guy to the point of writing in her journal about wanting to be with him. (She showed me her journal on her own initiative after having us 'take a break' for a week.)

 

After that fourth year's LDR, she graduated as well and moved up to the same state for college. Things were going much better when we were in-person- the fifth year was pretty much perfect in my opinion. We had a lot of good times.

 

Now, it's the sixth year, and I've transferred colleges. We're doing LDR once again. I thought I was prepared for it because we had already gone through it once, but it's really difficult to be understanding and not clingy at all. For Thanksgiving, instead of spending the holiday with her relatives in that state, she's choosing to take a cross-country trip to spend Thanksgiving with two people: One is an old friend, a girl who's mischievous and matchmaker-y, and the other is the guy she had that huge crush on. The three of them will be staying at the guy's house and having Thanksgiving with his family. Following that trip, my normally straight-laced girlfriend will be heading off to a 'drink-til-you-drop' overnight party with a guest list of 150.

 

These two separate events both have me pretty worried, although it's for different reasons. The Thanksgiving trip makes me feel insecure and worried about what will happen when she and he are at his house with her matchmaker friend, and the party worries me because when I knew her she just wasn't that kind of girl.

 

What do you guys think of all this? Am I just being paranoid / too clingy, or what?

[LittleTiger]

I think you need to talk to your gf. If you have all these concerns about what she's up to you really need to share your feelings with her.

 

LDRs can work but they do require constant, open and honest communication. If one person is unhappy, they have to say so - the other person has no way of knowing otherwise.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what was it that nearly killed your relationship last time you were LD? What made you think she was withdrawing? What made her feel you didn't care?

[folieadeux]

The fact that she's going off with a guy she has/had feelings for is just downright disrespectful to you and your relationship. You're not being unreasonable at all; this would raise a reg fllag for me as well. I agree with LT; definitely sit down and have a talk with her about all of this.

[dantesfire]

If you don't mind me asking, what was it that nearly killed your relationship last time you were LD? What made you think she was withdrawing? What made her feel you didn't care?

 

A lack of communication, actually. We just started talking less and less, for whatever reason. I'm sure that the long-distance aspect (not being able to physically be there) didn't help this at all.

 

The fact that she's going off with a guy she has/had feelings for is just downright disrespectful to you and your relationship. You're not being unreasonable at all; this would raise a reg fllag for me as well. I agree with LT; definitely sit down and have a talk with her about all of this.

 

She's already purchased the plane tickets, though, and her excuse is that 'he's an old friend that I haven't seen for years'. It seems to me that if I even broach the subject I'll just come off looking jealous / controlling / possessive, which I don't want to be.

[folieadeux]

A lack of communication, actually. We just started talking less and less, for whatever reason. I'm sure that the long-distance aspect (not being able to physically be there) didn't help this at all.

 

 

 

She's already purchased the plane tickets, though, and her excuse is that 'he's an old friend that I haven't seen for years'. It seems to me that if I even broach the subject I'll just come off looking jealous / controlling / possessive, which I don't want to be.

 

He's not just a friend. He's someone she's had (and possibly still has) feelings for. You are well within your rights to question that. But this isn't even the issue. The fact that she has no problem doing this is a sign of bigger problems.