My ongoing LDR story.

[Omei]

Hello this story starts off with me playing world of warcraft 4 years ago I met a guy on there and we became best friends for about 3 years I am now 24 living in Canada, Manitoba with a child(age 3 1/2 from a previous long-term relationship that ended roughy 4 years ago) And hes 20 living in US Arizona. FAR!!!!

 

After being friends for about 3 years we fell in love and have been doing a LDR for about a year now. I first saw him in March 2010 for about 1 week and it was fantastic, 2 months later in June he got off college for summer break and spent about 2 months living with me ending this Aug. Hoping to see him again for 1 week during his X-mas break. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing, I hate the wonderment of when I will see him next and this last goodbye is really taking its toll on me of how hard this LDR is going to be, I never realized how painful it was going to be going back to the computer being distant again, I fell so much more in love and I miss him so much.

 

He's in community college now just started a new year, and plans to do 2 or so more years and then move on to University hes also living at home, while I have an apartment me having my own place makes it less expensive to visit or stay with me for a-while as I cannot go stay at his parents or I would visit a lot more often.

 

I am currently taking care of my kid and trying to get into beauty school which are 12 week program courses which are pretty short and I am not sure what my plans are after, being 24 and have had many relationships I feel this guy and I get along great and I want to try living with him or at least being in the same City =/ He would also like this but we have a huge problem, how much school he has and for how many the years, it scares me I know I can do it but I am afraid. I want to try living together as soon as possible so we can see if its something we can accomplish together. I cannot live in Arizona because of my daughter taking her from my parents would crush them right now and I have no idea when I could move. He could prolly transfer his school credits when hes done college 2 years from now for maybe taking University but hes also scared of living without his family hes never been away from them for more than that 2 months we just had, We want to find a 6 month period where one of us could live with the other it would be much easier for me to stay in USA while he has school for those 6 months but I cannot do that because he doesn't have his own place and hes only able to work weekends so him getting his own place is pretty much out. How can we even be together for 6 months? any suggestions?

 

This makes things difficult I believe we have a strong bond and can make the years but its just so hard even after then who knows what will happen to us and there are so many storys about couples jumping into marriage just so they can be together but nor him or I am ready for this esp not living together for a good long time first but how do we even make that happen? Or try it?

 

Somedays I cry in heartache wishing things were different this LDR is most hardest on me I believe because I am not in school yet nor have a lot of friends I have 1 but they live far and I rarely get to hang out with her, His home life is just flourishing with action to keep his mind off things and make the time fly by sometimes I feel left behind.

 

People tell me to keep my head up and smile and just look forward to the times we do spend together RL and take it day by day and hope it works out, but being young with a child and paying the cost's of visiting is very hard and stressful I just want it to end as soon as possible, and be together or in the same city. I love my bf with all my heart and I don't plan on ever giving up but I have no clue on how we're going to be together my daughter, money and time and processes and of doing it worry me we're stuck in a nor he nor I can situation and I don't know what to do!

 

Hes also very upbeat, lighthearted and a dreamer we can do this! he knows it will be hard. I am more facts facts facts what to do i wanna make it work now kinda person. And I know hes getting slightly annoyed with all my worrying about the future too.

 

Anyway tell me what you guys think and if y'all have any suggestions!

[TMichaels]

Hes also very upbeat, lighthearted and a dreamer we can do this! he knows it will be hard. I am more facts facts facts what to do i wanna make it work now kinda person. And I know hes getting slightly annoyed with all my worrying about the future too.

 

Anyway tell me what you guys think and if y'all have any suggestions!

 

Hate to tell you this, Omei, but no matter how well the two of you get on, there's not only a significant geographic and a four-year age difference between you -- the two of you are at *totally* different points in your lives.

 

He's just started community college, lives with his parents, and has never been on his own. Though you didn't say, it sounds like he's had few serious relationships in his life while you have had several as well as a three-and-a-half-year-old child.

 

Given all that, is it a surprise that "he's a bit of a dreamer" who's getting annoyed with you wanting to have a definitive life plan -- or that given all the "life experience" you have under your belt that *you wouldn't* want to have all the details and a plan worked out?

 

I know you are hot to trot, but be practical and realistic for a minute.

 

A) IF the two of you stay the course, wouldn't it be better for all concerned if he finished his education so that his chances of earning a decent living would be much better -- especially if you two marry and there's a child that needs to be supported, too?

 

B) Since you love facts, have you bothered to check into immigration laws at all? Neither of you can spend an extended time in each others' country unless you have a student visa, an employer-sponsored work permit, or are married. Any or all of those options take considerable *time and money* to arrange -- and there's no guarantee any of them will come to pass as the decision to grant permission isn't up to you -- it's up to the respective governments involved.

 

My advice to you?

 

If you can't cool your jets or be willing to hang in there for the long-haul and see how things work out, then end things, now.

 

A four-year age difference isn't a big thing the older you get, but right now the two of you are light years apart in terms of life experience, life goals and maturity. He hasn't even begun to chart his life's course -- and you're ready to moor your boat (and his) permanently to the shore.

 

Sorry, Omei, but that's a recipe for disaster. Yes, I know. You're in love.

 

However, I don't think either of you have grasped the reality of the situation. Thinking about your own needs and immediate gratification is not a basis for a successful or lasting relationship.

 

Understanding all that is part of what it means to be an adult -- and despite the fact you have a child, I think the odds of you making it as a couple long-term would improve exponentially if both of you had more time to each do some growing up of your own.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[aerogurl87]

Actually TMichaels he can spend 6 months in Canada without a visa as I found out when I was looking into immigrating to Canada myself (my SO lives there now and we decided I'd be the one to move eventually as we want to raise a family up there). Anyway Omei the relationship can make it, but only if you have a definite plan to end the distance. Something's going to have to give eventually and one of you is going have to uproot your life to be with the other. That's just the truth of the matter. I think living together or in the same city for 6 months would be a good idea at this point. I plan to either get a work visa or move to be with my boyfriend for 6 months this spring if that doesn't work out. I think it'll give you a better idea if you could live together permanently or if one of you want to move to where the other lives. So figure out how to make that happen. Can he take classes up there at a local college for 6 months maybe while he lives with you? Not sure how that would transfer but that's one option.

[Omei]

TMichaels thanks for you're opinion I do not expect this man to marry me or support my child that's getting much way to ahead of ourselves for now, I just want to try living with the guy to see if its something we can even stand doing together as a couple, in terms of the future aka for 6 months. Nor do I wish him to stop taking school its a wait-or school trans. Hes a pretty mature and intelligent guy in terms of the realization of dating a woman with a child and how far apart we are with our experiences. But what you speak of has always been my concern and we have thought and talked about it for hours and while I agree with a lot of the things you've said his willingness to try all these things gives me hope.

 

I have looked into immigration laws and I will not pack up my daughter and move anywhere without trying to live together first for the 6 month rule, me there or him here.

 

I cannot help who I love and in terms of age difference I am prolly gonna try anyway.

 

Thanks for your comment on "Thinking about your own needs and immediate gratification is not a basis for a successful or lasting relationship" and to cool my jets. You are right and I should.

[TMichaels]

Actually TMichaels he can spend 6 months in Canada without a visa as I found out when I was looking into immigrating to Canada myself..

 

That's correct, aerogurl87. And, a Canadian citizen may be granted permission to visit the U.S. up to six months' duration without a visa. It's up to the discretion of the border control agent.

 

Because the allowed durations can vary -- to keep things simple, I purposefully used the term "an extended period of time."

 

And while it's true, compared to many parts of the world Canadian/American visitation rules are quite liberal, post-9/11 things *are* tighter than they used to be. It's not unheard of for immigration officials on both sides of the border to be more particular about whom they let in, for how long, and why.

 

Either way, "visitors" must be able to prove they have sufficient funds to support themselves for the duration of their visit and the intention to return to their home country at the end of their stay (children/family/a job/home/etc). Both countries are also not very tolerant of those who enter as "visitors" but have other intentions or plans.

 

Rollercoaster who posts here often is very well-versed on the ins and outs of Canadian/American LDRs and immigration issues. If you want to know more, search for her past posts on LS or send her a PM. I'm sure she'd be willing to share her considerable knowledge with you.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

Thanks for your comment on "Thinking about your own needs and immediate gratification is not a basis for a successful or lasting relationship" and to cool my jets. You are right and I should.

 

Np, Omei.

 

Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[aerogurl87]

That's correct, aerogurl87. And, a Canadian citizen may be granted permission to visit the U.S. up to six months' duration without a visa. It's up to the discretion of the border control agent.

 

Because the allowed durations can vary -- to keep things simple, I purposefully used the term "an extended period of time."

 

And while it's true, compared to many parts of the world Canadian/American visitation rules are quite liberal, post-9/11 things *are* tighter than they used to be. It's not unheard of for immigration officials on both sides of the border to be more particular about whom they let in, for how long, and why.

 

Either way, "visitors" must be able to prove they have sufficient funds to support themselves for the duration of their visit and the intention to return to their home country at the end of their stay (children/family/a job/home/etc). Both countries are also not very tolerant of those who enter as "visitors" but have other intentions or plans.

 

Rollercoaster who posts here often is very well-versed on the ins and outs of Canadian/American LDRs and immigration issues. If you want to know more, search for her past posts on LS or send her a PM. I'm sure she'd be willing to share her considerable knowledge with you.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Well in my experience the border patrols in Canada seem to be a bit more nicer than those in the US. I'm a US citizen and when I came back the US border people were giving me the evil eye like I was trying to smuggle in a boatload of cocaine or something, while the Canadian people were more friendlier. Or maybe I just got there when they were having a bad day. And yep RC is a good person to talk to for advice on looking into immigration for Canadians to the US or vice versa.

[Omei]

Well in my experience the border patrols in Canada seem to be a bit more nicer than those in the US. I'm a US citizen and when I came back the US border people were giving me the evil eye like I was trying to smuggle in a boatload of cocaine or something, while the Canadian people were more friendlier. Or maybe I just got there when they were having a bad day. And yep RC is a good person to talk to for advice on looking into immigration for Canadians to the US or vice versa.

 

Really? when I first saw my BF in US coming from Canada I found that US border patrols barely even took note of my presence...they did but you know what I mean I passed through smooth and easy But Canadian border patrols pulled me over to the sides and looked though everything, they even drug tested my bag which made me feel guilty when there was nothing to be guilty for!

 

Also if people wanna add more facts about immigration I am all ears I have looked at many websites but still taking in more....

Edited August 28, 2010 by Omei

[TMichaels]

I have looked into immigration laws and I will not pack up my daughter and move anywhere without trying to live together first for the 6 month rule, me there or him here.

 

Omei,

 

As you're formulating your plan, it might also be good for you to keep in mind that a single mother with a young child in tow who's planning on staying for six months "with a friend" could well prompt more than a cursory review by immigration officials.

 

These days there's almost as much concern about cross-border child-trafficking as there is terrorism.

 

An adult traveling with a minor child can be required to prove he/she has permission from the child's parents/other parent to take the child out of the country in an effort to foil a kidnapping attempt.

 

You may think this scenario sounds unlikely, but I've seen it happen first-hand. Many travel agents nowadays advise that any adults traveling with a minor child (including their own) carry documentation that can presented if requested just in case -- in order to avoid being detained or denied entry.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

[Omei]

Omei,

 

As you're formulating your plan, it might also be good for you to keep in mind that a single mother with a young child in tow who's planning on staying for six months "with a friend" could well prompt more than a cursory review by immigration officials.

 

These days there's almost as much concern about cross-border child-trafficking as there is terrorism.

 

An adult traveling with a minor child can be required to prove he/she has permission from the child's parents/other parent to take the child out of the country in an effort to foil a kidnapping attempt.

 

You may think this scenario sounds unlikely, but I've seen it happen first-hand. Many travel agents nowadays advise that any adults traveling with a minor child (including their own) carry documentation that can presented if requested just in case -- in order to avoid being detained or denied entry.

 

All the best,

TMichaels

 

Glad you mentioned it I have thought of this, Me and my mother and father who owns a cabin 2 hours out of my city she has a very good relationship with my daughter being basically my support when I am in of desperate need (since the father ran off) basically her 2nd caregivers playing as much of a role as I am in my child's life. Since they live far 2 hours out of town and own a cabin with a beach my daughter has the luxury of spending 4 days and 3 nights there a week and we've been doing this since she was a baby shes very good at spending long periods of time without me this gives me chances to do things and work on weekends which is how I save up money to even see my LDR love. When I first visited him they took her for the week untill my return and then again when he stayed for the 2 months slowly having her back a little more each week as my parents got to know him they felt this was best because they're so protective of her I agreed. And I briefly spoke to my mother about how I wish to try this living together and she seems okay with the idea of keeping my daughter if I happen to be the one doing the 6 month visit which trust me I much rather have it the other way around because I love my daughter and know I would miss her lots after that amount of time, But my daughter is also very well with distance and I wouldn't have too much worry of being away. Rather him come here tho.