LDR Gone Terribly Wrong Long Story

[IStandAlone90]

I've been dating the love of my life for about 7 months now. Trust me I know she is the one. The thing is she is being taking away from me. This might be a long story and I never thought I will be posting on a forum like this. But at this point I'm seriously desperate and I would be grateful of any advice right now.

 

We have been dating online like I said about 8 months now. Everything was fine until last month we found out that her father wanted her to marry some guy. A prearranged marriage yes. Me and this very beautiful and special women talk everyday. We web cam chat and talk on the phone. We both never knew we would have feelings for each other like we do. We do not know how it happen. But I am so glad it happen. Anyway we talk about everything, I tell this girl information that I never told anyone else before. She also does the same. There are no secrets between us. Before I was a little paranoid about our LDR but she actually taught me on how to trust and to be strong.Like this is really hard for me to explain but me and her are seriously deeply in love. We have seriously almost everything in common. And whatever our opposites are it strongly brings us together. I love her so much it's very hard to me to explain.She the love of my life and my best friend. I swear I feel I am the luckiest person in the world. I have never felt this way before in my life. I actually thought I was the last person to feel this way.But when she came into my life she change everything. How my heart feels man I have never felt this way before. She also feels the same way.

 

Well like I said earlier her father wants her to marry some guy. For the past month she been fighting and fighting with him trying to tell him she does not want to do this. She tells me if she does not go ahead and do this there will be harsh consequences. Possibly me and her cut off completely. We feel there money involved in this situation cause it just does not make sense why her dad would want her to get married to some guy. By the way she does not like this guy at all and just want the guy to completely stay away from her. Last month there was a huge fight between her and her dad. Her comes a twist to the story that I've so far left out. Her "dad" is technically not her real dad. He is not her blood.But when she was at a young age he took her in. Trust me thats a whole other long story...

 

Anyway she ended up screaming to him that he was not her real dad and etc etc. Then during the whole heated argument there was physical harm. He ended up socking her in the eye. Her best friend who I do talk to from time to time , tells me she was on the floor crying and screaming out my name saying she wants me. When she told me that it really broke my heart because I was not there to hold her and comfort her.

 

Anyway that day past and me and her went back to our old ways and just having fun talking to each other.We were fine. We knew of the situation but we still continue talking to each other and just being grateful of all the moments me and her do have with each other.

 

Earlier this month she went to Germany for 2 weeks for a vacation and also she was supposedly to marry this guy. She did not. Again she refuses to do it but the whole situation is getting very stressful for both of us. During the 2 weeks I miss her so much. She contacted me about 4 times which made me so happy. But the days we did not talk I worry so much. One night I ended up breaking down crying in front of my parents. They had no idea was wrong with me. I told them I'll tell them what the problem is when I go to the psychiatrist. Yes I have depression and my own little issues in my head unfortunately and this situation just does not make things better.Anyway we went to the doctor and I told them what happen. And they said what they had to say. I mean technically they can not do anything about it. They told me I need to let go. Of course that is the last thing I hear.

 

Anyway she came back from Germany and things have been ok. But today we was on topic about our situation and things got very depressing. Her dad also wants to see her today and which she has gone out with him and now I'm just sitting here waiting to see what happens. I told her next time theres a breaking point (one that is bad) in this relationship I will let go. If theres completely nothing I can do I will unfortunately let go .

 

Please can someone please tell me what to do. I love this girl so much. She is my love and my best friend. She is everything to me. Me and her are so damn strong to. we feel nothing can come between us. But this situation it really looks like me and her are going to wave the white flag. If she is force to marry this guy what are we suppose to do ? This is going and it already is tearing both of our hearts. Then the way I am and how my thoughts are I do not see a bright future for me. My depression is just a added handicap.I never felt so much pain in my life. All I want is her. I feel if she was here things will be ok. These thoughts in my head are killing me. Seriously is she really going to be force to kiss this guy ? To start a family with him ? Me and her both earned each other hearts.He does not deserve her.She does not want him. She a very smart and beautiful girl. Honestly she does not need a guy. She is so strong to. Stronger then me actually. I swear the only reason why I have not lost it yet is cause she still by my side.But the question is for how long ?

 

I just dont understand why this is happening. I'm not a religious person but this whole situation has me up at night begging to god to please not let this happen. I even have a rosary. I feel Idk what to do. She is religous and she tells me to continue praying.But I feel like God is not hearing me out. I dont even know if I believe in him or not. I'm so sorry . I feel like I'm being punish in away for my disbelief. I dont know. Just anyone with advice please help me out. At this point I'll do anything.I want this pain to go away for both of us.

 

If anyone has any questions about this situation please ask me and I'll answer. Somethings might sound confusing I know. My mind is really cloudy right now.

Edited August 26, 2010 by IStandAlone90

[aerogurl87]

I have a question, why have you not met her in person yet? It's been 8 months right? I met my boyfriend in person as soon as I could after him and I decided we wanted to try and be together. So if she's "the love of your life" why haven't you met her in person yet?

[IStandAlone90]

I have a question, why have you not met her in person yet? It's been 8 months right? I met my boyfriend in person as soon as I could after him and I decided we wanted to try and be together. So if she's "the love of your life" why haven't you met her in person yet?

 

We are both only 20 years old. I was in school but not anymore. I feel it's not the best thing for me right now with my head always being confused and me being in my own world. I also unfortunately do not have a job. That really hurts me cause I feel if I had one I could save some money up to go see her.I'm trying to get a job but you know how hard it can get one these days. Plus me being depressed I give up easily and just ugh ...

 

She actually does have money to come see me at least.But of course her father will not let her.And if she did I think we both fear there will be very bad consequences. We can only imagine.

[Amira4210]

Hi there, so sorry to hear this, its heart breaking. You said she went to Germnay to marry, so I'm assuming she is German, but i didnt realize they had arranged marriages. I am from a differnet culture. Is she Muslim. Where I come from, its predomintaly a Mulsim country so this sort of situation sounds very familiar to me. All I can say is that this happens all the time. It doesn't make it easier less hurtful but its life. Family can be very selfsih at times. Putting their own needs before their children's. I know a couple that snuck around for months while one of them was engaged to a cousin (arranged marriage). They hid it from everyone, well bc no matter how much the girl stated she didn't want the fiance, the family fought back and they were forced to marry. A month later, the new husband finds out that his new bride has been dating and sleeping with another man throughout their engagment. He found her bf and took a bunch of his cousins and almost killed the guy. I'm not telling you this to scare you, but to give you some insight on how bad these situations can get. My advice to you is to give this problem to God, do right, and right will come to you. Just bc you feel deeply about someone doesn't mean that they are the person you should end up with. When we go through pain in life, there is alway something good that comes out of it, may not be what you want right now, but you will be fine in the end. Continue going to therapy, write, confide in friends, workout, get a job or something to keep you occupied. Sitting at home and obsessing about this will only drive you into an even deeper depression. Be there for her and for yourself. Confide in your family, they care more than anyone else, trust me. I am so sorry this is happening to you, it is not right and def very painful. Good luck to you!

Edited August 27, 2010 by Amira4210

[IStandAlone90]

Hi there, so sorry to hear this, its heart breaking. You said she went to Germnay to marry, so I'm assuming she is German, but i didnt realize they had arranged marriages. I am from a differnet culture. Is she Muslim. Where I come from, its predomintaly a Mulsim country so this sort of situation sounds very familiar to me. All I can say is that this happens all the time. It doesn't make it easier less hurtful but its life. Family can be very selfsih at times. Putting their own needs before their children's. I know a couple that snuck around for months while one of them was engaged to a cousin (arranged marriage). They hid it from everyone, well bc no matter how much the girl stated she didn't want the fiance, the family fought back and they were forced to marry. A month later, the new husband finds out that his new bride has been dating and sleeping with another man throughout their engagment. He found her bf and took a bunch of his cousins and almost killed the guy. I'm not telling you this to scare you, but to give you some insight on how bad these situations can get. My advice to you is to give this problem to God, do right, and right will come to you. Just bc you feel deeply about someone doesn't mean that they are the person you should end up with. When we go through pain in life, there is alway something good that comes out of it, may not be what you want right now, but you will be fine in the end. Continue going to therapy, write, confide in friends, workout, get a job or something to keep you occupied. Sitting at home and obsessing about this will only drive you into an even deeper depression. Be there for her and for yourself. Confide in your family, they care more than anyone else, trust me. I am so sorry this is happening to you, it is not right and def very painful. Good luck to you!

 

Thank you. And no she not German or Muslim. She Brazilian. She went to Germany and was suppose to marry the guy but she did not. Everything you told me to do , your right I should be doing. It's just so hard.It's very hard for me to accept this.Like I always felt like bad things always happen to me. But this is just crossing the line. I love her so much , really I do.I feel like the biggest loser.Me and her through out months our love continously grew for each other. Now her dad steps between us and brings in some guy and wants to give him to her. It just really depresses me and angers me. I know people are going to say were young.Yes I know but these feelings are very real.This is no joke or puppy love. Also I dont have the best relationship with my family.Not that theres any problems between us. But we just never talk.I dont talk to them about anything.But they do still care and are concern about me. But like I said earlier , the night I broke down crying they were just completely clueless of whats going on with me.They have never seen me with tears flowing out my eyes since I was a little kid.

 

But thank you again for your input of the situation and advice.

[aerogurl87]

Ok well first things first, you need to work on getting a job. My SO is 18 and I'm 20 and when he couldn't afford to come see me I scrounged up enough money from my little part time job in 3 months to fly out to see him, so it can be done even at the young age of 20. Other than that, I don't really know what you can do. Does she have other family she can stay with other than her dad? Where's her mom? Can she possibly stay with her?

[IStandAlone90]

Ok well first things first, you need to work on getting a job. My SO is 18 and I'm 20 and when he couldn't afford to come see me I scrounged up enough money from my little part time job in 3 months to fly out to see him, so it can be done even at the young age of 20. Other than that, I don't really know what you can do. Does she have other family she can stay with other than her dad? Where's her mom? Can she possibly stay with her?

 

I will try my best to work on a job. But seeing her might be a little to late. Her dad wanted to see her tonight.Why I dont know. Me and her talked and after for so long we are close to just letting go cause there nothing we can do. But if we fortunately have more time I will do my best to see her.

 

To my knowledge yes she does have someone else to stay with. She does not talk to her mom and her relationship with her is not that great. But there are people she can stay with. But apparently her dad can really do more damange to both our hearts and were just very scared. If you were wondering also she lives by her self but her dad pays for everything. This whole situation is about money which just makes me so much more upset. Then he gets angry at her for not having a job.But when she does attempt get a job he gets angry saying she does not have to work etc etc. The guy is just so confusing. I just dont know anymore.

 

I'm laying here in my bed waiting to talk to her tonight.Hoping things are ok even though reality things are not ok. But i'm just laying here very depressed.So depressed I feel like I'm dying. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.My mind is foggy I cant think straight. And constant tears are running down my eyes. Not saying guys are not suppose to cry but how I'm tearing up is insane.My love for this girl is just really out of this world.

[IStandAlone90]

Well they are going to get married. And now I official do not know what to do.I feel like I'm going to go crazy.

[IStandAlone90]

If anyone has any advice or suggestions of what I should do please go along and say it . I do not think I'm going to sleep tonight. I really do think I might be on the verge of a mental breakdown. I am 20 years old. This should not be happening.

 

I'm posting on two forums right now and I feel like I'm crying for attention. Maybe I am cause i need help bad this really hurts. A few of my friends knew about me and her but I dont want them to see me crying or anything. But at this point I just might let it all out in front of them. i want help i wana be happy ..

[aerogurl87]

She's getting married, not much you can do but grieve the loss of what could of been, go completely no contact, and try to heal and move on.

[IStandAlone90]

She's getting married, not much you can do but grieve the loss of what could of been, go completely no contact, and try to heal and move on.

 

No contact ? Thats something i think me and her can not do. Me and her are so attached.

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to say this, but this is the folly of youth. If she is getting married, you are now playing around with somebody else's intended. This is a bad idea and you will create havoc.

She is the love of your life So Far. And trust me hun, I thought I had the love of my life at 17. Convinced of it. Dead cert. No denying it. He was definitely The One.

Now, at just over 50, I can see why I felt that way, sure I can.

But I also know it was both foolish and premature.

 

Going No Contact is not only what you really should do, it's what you MUST do.

You really have No Choice at all in the matter.

 

It's Over.

Unless she absolutely definitely puts her foot down and refuses point blank to go through with this, you're history.

 

Please face this.

Read the two links in my signature. You have to heel it, to heal it.

[IStandAlone90]

I hate to say this, but this is the folly of youth. If she is getting married, you are now playing around with somebody else's intended. This is a bad idea and you will create havoc.

She is the love of your life So Far. And trust me hun, I thought I had the love of my life at 17. Convinced of it. Dead cert. No denying it. He was definitely The One.

Now, at just over 50, I can see why I felt that way, sure I can.

But I also know it was both foolish and premature.

 

Going No Contact is not only what you really should do, it's what you MUST do.

You really have No Choice at all in the matter.

 

It's Over.

Unless she absolutely definitely puts her foot down and refuses point blank to go through with this, you're history.

 

Please face this.

Read the two links in my signature. You have to heel it, to heal it.

 

So far I read the no contact thread. I feel some of that does not even apply to us. It's not me and her breaking up. It's not like we have a problem with each other. It's someone else forcefully separating us. And I absolutely know she does not want this. Only reason why she going through it now so her dad can stop bugging her about it and for him to stop taking things away from her or just anything he capable of doing. But she wants a divorce as soon as possible. We do not know whats going to happen in the future but she for sure she does not want this.

 

Another thing through this time she has told me to at least move on to someone else for the time being. But I dont know if I can do that. Sorry if I'm sounding hopeless right now. Just everything right now does not make sense to me idk what to do anymore.

[lala82]

I a feel really sorry for both of you:(

 

I am from South America, not exactly from Brazil. I understand that the culture here is that the father is the boss of the family. However, it does not mean that her father has to rule her personal life. He must to respect her choices. She is not an animal, which he can made arrangements to get marry. I do not know her conditions, but if I was her I will run away. Instead of ruin my life with a person, who I do not love.

 

I guess that you are student and you do not have enough money to travel to Brazil. But, it is impossible for you to get some money to fly to Brazil. I now that flights are quite expensive. But in this case any money is not important to save someone, who is going to ruin her life.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, if she can string this along until she is 21, then she will be legally recognised as an adult and she can legally refuse to marry the guy, can't she?

 

I'm sure she can talk to her pastor or a priest to protest. Look, I'm sorry, she may well be bowing to pressure, but believe it or not there are International Laws which forbid forced marriages.

 

She needs to recruit somebody and let them know this is happening.

[IStandAlone90]

Ok, if she can string this along until she is 21, then she will be legally recognised as an adult and she can legally refuse to marry the guy, can't she?

 

I'm sure she can talk to her pastor or a priest to protest. Look, I'm sorry, she may well be bowing to pressure, but believe it or not there are International Laws which forbid forced marriages.

 

She needs to recruit somebody and let them know this is happening.

 

She told me when she does hit 21 she going to try her hardest to get out the marriage. And yes I do believe she should talk to someone. But since her birthday not till next April. And me and her still love and want to be together. And I'm 100 percent sure she does not want this. She is very upset.

 

But for that year what should I do ? A year at the least what should I do ?

[TaraMaiden]

Get your head staright and get yourself straight. get a job, and if you need qualifications do some studying, even if it's just a correspondence course. because however this pans out, you have to be able to support yourself.

 

As for her, she needs to talk to an authority, as soon as possible. Forcing somebody into a marriage (especially in West or Europe) is most definitely illegal. She can apply to be made a ward of court, which means the care and responsibility for her passes out of her father's hands, until she is of age.

[IStandAlone90]

Get your head staright and get yourself straight. get a job, and if you need qualifications do some studying, even if it's just a correspondence course. because however this pans out, you have to be able to support yourself.

 

As for her, she needs to talk to an authority, as soon as possible. Forcing somebody into a marriage (especially in West or Europe) is most definitely illegal. She can apply to be made a ward of court, which means the care and responsibility for her passes out of her father's hands, until she is of age.

 

Ok I'll do my best

[TaraMaiden]

As far as I can tell, Arranged/FORCED marriages are illegal in Brazil.

 

She needs to contact a local authority or woman's group. Brazil is not so backward that such organisations do not exist. If she lives on her own, she has a certain amount of independence. If she is independent some of the time, she can contact the Brazilian embassy, or consulate if needs be. There is a way out of this..

How strong do you think she is to be able to resist this?

 

I have to tell you, I'm beginning to have some doubts about her commitment in this.,.... are you 100% certain this guy was not a regular BF before you came long?

7 months on the relationship calendar is a mere glitch. And if you guys have never met, this would be an ideal way of breaking things off with you.

Who else have you spoken to who actually verifies what she is saying?

 

And if this guy is not her real dad, then he has absolutely no chance whatsoever of actually being able to force her to do this. She's already told him that, and although she got socked for it, it doesn't change the fact that he is not a blood relative and as such has absolutely no legal hold on her....

Come on man, what's going on, really???

[IStandAlone90]

As far as I can tell, Arranged/FORCED marriages are illegal in Brazil.

 

She needs to contact a local authority or woman's group. Brazil is not so backward that such organisations do not exist. If she lives on her own, she has a certain amount of independence. If she is independent some of the time, she can contact the Brazilian embassy, or consulate if needs be. There is a way out of this..

How strong do you think she is to be able to resist this?

 

I have to tell you, I'm beginning to have some doubts about her commitment in this.,.... are you 100% certain this guy was not a regular BF before you came long?

7 months on the relationship calendar is a mere glitch. And if you guys have never met, this would be an ideal way of breaking things off with you.

Who else have you spoken to who actually verifies what she is saying?

 

And if this guy is not her real dad, then he has absolutely no chance whatsoever of actually being able to force her to do this. She's already told him that, and although she got socked for it, it doesn't change the fact that he is not a blood relative and as such has absolutely no legal hold on her....

Come on man, what's going on, really???

 

I think she very strong and she will do something when she 21. And I am 100% sure that she has never had relations with this guy. I also speak to her best friend and she also gives me info. Her best friend is the daughter of her father figure. Again we believe there something more to this but we just do not know.

 

She tells me she will always love me and be my angel. And I believe her 100 % And I will always love her and be her angel also. But we will have to wait at least a year at least before she can do anything. I think by next year me and her will be stronger then ever and she will get out of this very unfortunate situation.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry...I really don't understand.

There is absolutely plenty she could be doing right now. Why wait until she is married and has to divorce, before doing anything?

 

From what I see though, providing there are no children, and both parties agree, divorce is relatively simple, and can take as little as three weeks!

[IStandAlone90]

I a feel really sorry for both of you:(

 

I am from South America, not exactly from Brazil. I understand that the culture here is that the father is the boss of the family. However, it does not mean that her father has to rule her personal life. He must to respect her choices. She is not an animal, which he can made arrangements to get marry. I do not know her conditions, but if I was her I will run away. Instead of ruin my life with a person, who I do not love.

 

I guess that you are student and you do not have enough money to travel to Brazil. But, it is impossible for you to get some money to fly to Brazil. I now that flights are quite expensive. But in this case any money is not important to save someone, who is going to ruin her life.

 

Sorry I did not even see your post till now.

 

But I agree with everything your saying. Also to my knowledge she going to continue living in Texas.Giving me more hope cause I know tickets are not that expensive. I should be able to save some money up.

[IStandAlone90]

I'm sorry...I really don't understand.

There is absolutely plenty she could be doing right now. Why wait until she is married and has to divorce, before doing anything?

 

From what I see though, providing there are no children, and both parties agree, divorce is relatively simple, and can take as little as three weeks!

 

Maybe I should talk to her about it. I mean I have been for the past 24 hours. I just dont want to stress her anymore. And actually she reading what you are saying right now. So hopefully she gets some idea in her head what she should do.

[sweetjasmine]

Come on man, what's going on, really???

 

TBH, it sounds made-up on her end. OP just said the girl lives in Texas. All she has to do is call a women's shelter. She's legally an adult, and there's nothing forcing her into this marriage other than pressure from someone who isn't even a blood relative.

 

This smells like BS to me.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm afraid I figured the same. Too many excuses, too much stonewalling, too far-fetched to be real. I mean, in the 19th century, you'd better believe it. But now? Today?

 

I smell a rat.