Is a LDR worth it?

[zzxxx]

I don't really have anyone else to turn to right now, so I would really appreciate any responses.

 

I'm 21. He's 23. We live on opposite sides of the world. I'm going to refer to him as Henry.

 

My parents don't know about Henry because I'm not sure whether they would approve of him right now. We have very different family backgrounds and different income levels. His mother (I met her once) has never been married and his dad left them when he was really young. Henry sometimes struggles to pay rent and utility bills, whereas I can have pretty much whatever I want. Henry quit his uni course and is waiting for approval to do another uni course, whereas I'm in my last semester. Having said that, we work well together. We can do anything together and feel completely comfortable around each other. He's like a soulmate.

 

Here's a brief rundown of our history:

 

2007

We met when I was in Europe (he lives there) and were together for around 3 or 4 months. We lived together and did a lot of travelling together.

 

Early 2008

I returned to my home country. We tried a LDR but it didn't work out. We were chatting everyday but were constantly fighting over the smallest things. I broke up with him and we didn't contact each other for several months.

 

End of 2008

I contacted him but it didn't go well (I was with another guy). He was really upset about it so he ignored me for several months. He got a girlfriend several months afterwards but they broke up.

 

2009

I got an email from him out of the blue in mid 2009 and we were in contact for several months. But he stopped contacting me since nothing was going well for him in his life. In late 2009, I went to Europe where I met another guy but things didn't go well with him.

 

2010

I contacted "Henry" in early 2010 and we met up. The spark and chemistry was still there. He stayed with me in the city I was living in for 5 months and we did a lot of travelling together. I also met his mother.

 

Now

I left Europe at the end of June and we haven't contacted each other much since I left. I would always take a long time to respond. We talked to each yesterday on Skype but don't feel as close anymore even though it's only been 3 weeks since we've been apart. When we were together, he would always tell me that I'm the one and the only one he wants to be with, but now, he's not so sure. He said he has been spending a lot of time with friends and family so he doesn't have to be alone. I told him it might be better if we don't contact each other and break it off. He started crying. We both agreed to think about the options.

 

I'm planning on returning to Europe at the end of the year and living there permanently. The question is, should we try a LDR or should we break it off and see what happens when I return to Europe? Maybe not contacting each other would be a good option since it would give him the space to think about whether I really am the one for him.

Edited July 19, 2010 by zzxxx

[SassyKitten]

Do you ever think for one split second when you think about Henry "There's lots more fish in the sea"?

 

If the answer is yes, then an LDR isn't really worth it. If the answer is a resounding NO, then it's definitely worth it!!

[Citizen Erased]

Mine is worth every moment. Because I know that I will never find anyone else like him and more importantly I don't want to. Not even a spark of interest for anyone else but him. If you want it to work, you will find a way to make that happen. And even if it's impossible, you know you did everything you could to make it work.

 

If he's not worth that, I say leave it.

Edited July 21, 2010 by Citizen Erased

[stace79]

It is definitely very difficult. I agree with kitten up there who said that if you think about other people a lot, it probably isn't worth the emotional investment.

[aerogurl87]

OP this doesn't sound like it's working for ya'll, at least when at a distance. When you're together everything is awesome, and then when you leave it sounds like things just go downhill. I'd say break it off and see if things work out by the time you move there permanently.

[zzxxx]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post and to write a response! They have been more than helpful.

 

aerogurl87, I agree that when we're apart, things don't work so well. One of the biggest problems right now is our views on communication. I have told him that the lack of communication has made us feel not as close anymore. His plan is to not chat everyday (he says it's impossible), communicate via email when some event occurs (e.g. accepted into a university course) or when we feel like it, see what we have as a relationship, not do anything with anyone and meet up soon. But he says not chatting everyday would mean that it won't feel like a relationship, which is what I told him. Is he losing interest in me since he doesn't want to chat/communicate often?

 

He has also been spending a lot of time with his family and friends. He's finding it difficult to be alone. What do you read into this? Is he doing this because he is trying to forget about me or because he can't stand being away from me? I'm confused. Maybe this also has something to do with less communication?

 

I'm having a hard time deciding whether we should break it off and see what happens when I go back to Europe or whether we should try much harder with this LDR thing. The way I see it is that if we can have a successful LDR for the next couple of months then it would mean that we could have a very solid relationship in the future.

Edited July 23, 2010 by zzxxx

[aerogurl87]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post and to write a response! They have been more than helpful.

 

aerogurl87, I agree that when we're apart, things don't work so well. One of the biggest problems right now is our views on communication. I have told him that the lack of communication has made us feel not as close anymore. His plan is to not chat everyday (he says it's impossible), communicate via email when some event occurs (e.g. accepted into a university course) or when we feel like it, see what we have as a relationship, not do anything with anyone and meet up soon. But he says not chatting everyday would mean that it won't feel like a relationship, which is what I told him. Is he losing interest in me since he doesn't want to chat/communicate often?

 

He has also been spending a lot of time with his family and friends. He's finding it difficult to be alone. What do you read into this? Is he doing this because he is trying to forget about me or because he can't stand being away from me? I'm confused. Maybe this also has something to do with less communication?

 

I'm having a hard time deciding whether we should break it off and see what happens when I go back to Europe or whether we should try much harder with this LDR thing. The way I see it is that if we can have a successful LDR for the next couple of months then it would mean that we could have a very solid relationship in the future.

 

He can't talk to you for 10 minutes out of the 24 hours of his day? My boyfriend just got a new job and the hours are crazy. Some days he'll work 8 hours and others up to 16. But he still manages to call me every night before we both go to bed. So I see these as excuses, he's trying to pull away slowly. I'd just break up as I see no point in being in a relationship that feels like a friendship.

[Gradschooler]

OP,

 

I believe your question should be framed as "Is LDR worth it in *this* case?" Because if you ask me a general question, I'd say YES! They're worth it. But in your particular dynamic, I'd be inclined to say no. Anything that takes away your peace of mind like this isn't worth it, IMHO.

[nemi26]

if you're asking yourself if its worth it then i'd say no, you should know and not have to question it. if that makes any sense??

Edited July 24, 2010 by nemi26
don't think it made sense before, still aint sure.

[OrdealByFire]

Basically, if you're questioning whether it's worth it or not, it's probably not. I've questioned mine a bit, but it's not much to think about. I think it's definitely worth it, but it's up to you.

[zzxxx]

Thanks again to all of you who have taken the time to write such thoughtful responses.

 

For those of you who are in a similar situation, this might help:

 

He has emailed me and told me that he misses me, thinks about me and wants me, etc... but doesn't know how to deal with this long distance situation.

 

I absolutely agree with aerogurl87's responses. I'm going to tell him that we should break up and see what happens when I go to Europe. This decision is mainly based on the fact that he hasn't tried very hard to make this long distance thing work as he doesn't want to communicate frequently. It seems to me that he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Edited July 25, 2010 by zzxxx

[SassyKitten]

Good luck. I think that was my now-ex's problem as well, not wanting to communicate and have his cake and eat it too.

[Tayla]

Correct me if I am wrong, but where in Heavens name is a 23 year old going to say "YUP" this is THE ONE for me. Half the time they are still trying to consider which course to take or which car to buy, a LIFETIME commitment is way too much to ask a person who is just getting into the market of learning dating, and long term worths.

Based on what I read here, I would suggest more maturity and let him grow/go. You arent ready for all that LDR entails.

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't agree. Now and again I have a little bit of a doubt that I can handle this LDR, but it is because I miss HIM, because I want to hug him, to be near to him, so any doubts I have, which isn't often, are just cos I worry I can't handle the distance between us, any doubts are because I love him, not cos I don't.

I think it is normal to have some doubts now and again, wondering if it will work out when you just want them near.

If the doubts take over then that's a different matter.

 

Do you ever think for one split second when you think about Henry "There's lots more fish in the sea"?

 

If the answer is yes, then an LDR isn't really worth it. If the answer is a resounding NO, then it's definitely worth it!!

[zzxxx]

HeavenOrHell, I completely understand where you're coming from. I think that's exactly how "Henry" felt.

 

For those who are interested in how everything has progressed since I sent him that breakup email, he has responded twice. I hope this can provide some insight for those who are in similar situations:

 

First response: He basically said that he's sad and disappointed with both of us since we didn't put much effort in. He doesn't know how to fight for this since we're physically apart. He told me not to forget that I'm everything. He said he will wait for me.

 

Second response: He realised that he is the one who caused the breakup and that I tried hard to communicate often with him. It kills him to break up because of these reasons. He told me not to respond to his email and just try to remember him in a good light and the time we had.

[aerogurl87]

I'm going to tell him that we should break up and see what happens when I go to Europe. This decision is mainly based on the fact that he hasn't tried very hard to make this long distance thing work as he doesn't want to communicate frequently.

 

And you know what, if both parties aren't working at making the relationship work it will fall apart sooner or later. Good choice and good luck with moving to Europe.

[BloodBerry]

LDR or not, there will always be complications in a relationship, though with LDR it's missing each other physically and time for each other are always the problem.

 

Well relatiships, esp LDR are worth it, IF the person is worth all the efforts and scarifices you'll make. But, maybe, only think I can say is, just do whatever you can do with your relationship. So that in the end, whatever the outcome maybe, you know you did your best, you wont be asking "what if I did this... " questions to yourself.

 

Just do whatever you can, be strong. Hope it goes well with you whatever your decision maybe. =)