looked up old childhood friends

[jasperlynx]

Im a 38 yr old husband of 13 yrs with 3 kids. Wife is so against facebook, classmates, or anything else that has to do with getting in touch with your past. She feels that is destroys families and causes turmoil within marriage relationships. In other words, a married man has no business talking to another woman, old friend, childhood classmate, or whatever. She believes its wrong and like (cheating for a man or woman to do). "you have no business calling or emailing someone after all these years" "they have moved on" "im sure thier husband would be happy to know his wife is talking to another man". I contacted a family of children that were like family to me growing up after all these years and my wife completely flipped out on me saying it was wrong and dishonest. It felt great to speak to my friend Male now 42 and his sister 38 after all these years, we both said the same thing....We always wondered what happened to you. We spent every holiday and free time together growing up..our families were inseperateable growing up. We lost contact when we moved..and there parents died.

Am I wrong? Is she overreacting? Is it really wrong to contact someone after all these years to say "hello" . Does it really mean anything"

My wife is so pissed..she is not talking to me.

[Spiritofnow]

From reading what you have said here it seems that your wife is afraid of these mediums, perhaps, because she has some insecurities about your marriage? Confidence with who she is?

 

This kind of reaction is usually based on fear -- ask her what it is that she is really afraid of? What is the route cause of her feelings? And, then perhaps you can reassure her that nothing terrible is going to happen - that you are not searching for something more special (of course if that is true for you). She needs to be able to trust you and what you say, and you need to be able to empathise with her, but also be able to be your own person.

 

I hope that helps.

 

; )

[Ronni_W]

Am I wrong? Is she overreacting? Is it really wrong to contact someone after all these years to say "hello". Does it really mean anything"

It obviously does mean something to her. And it obviously does not mean the same thing to you as it does to her. Whether or not SHE is over-reacting, YOU did something that you knew ahead of time would greatly upset your wife; would be detrimental for your marriage. You did that consciously and willingly. You are accountable for your part.

 

Was it you grasping to get back some control over your own life, decisions and choices? Was it you taking a dig at your wife to prove to her that she does not and cannot control your every move, desire, need?

Is there a "right" and a "wrong" in this situation? Are there possibly TWO "wrongs"? Or maybe two "rights"? Is it even about "right" and "wrong" at all?

 

Is it more a case of differences of values, opinions and personal desires? Yours would not be "more right" than hers and would not be "wrong", either. But then, neither would hers be "wrong" or "more right" than yours. You BOTH have the right to self-determination...but not to make value and desire determinations for the other, or give meaning to each other's wants, words or actions.

 

For your relationship, you did something that you knew would upset your wife...obviously not a very considerate or loving thing to do.

For your self, you acted on your own desire and curiosity to look-up old friends...obviously entirely within your adult power, authority and control to do; you ought to have this kind of autonomy/freedom, and it ought not start WWIII (or Cold War II) in your household.

 

But. In the past, you've somehow abrogated your personal rights and freedoms; you consciously and unconsciously gave your wife permission to decide what is and is not permissible for you to do. You've realized that it was not a wise move on your part, and your own prior decision is now making you unhappy. That's the issue that YOU now need to resolve...or just continue "rebelling" like a teen-aged boy every once in a while.

 

Which is the other side of the coin of your wife needing to give up trying to control your every move, desire and need; as well as stop giving meaning to your actions, intentions, goals, etc. It's the entire dynamic, BOTH sides of the coin that actually need to be addressed *if* you both want a permanent, lasting solution.

 

You BOTH are acting without regard for the other's genuine needs, desires, fears, concerns, goals, happiness and contentment; and without thoughts of nurturing and safeguarding the 'entity' that is your marriage.

You BOTH need to get on board and partner with each other to make this a healthier, safer, freer, more understanding and compassionate relationship where you BOTH can be happy and content, individually and as a couple.

 

Possibly MarriageBuilders.com will be a good place to start. There is someone here who also has used an MB therapist and had good outcomes. (If I remember correctly, he got a lot out of just one individual (not couple) telephone session.)

 

Best of luck.

Edited July 8, 2010 by Ronni_W
clarification

[Spiritofnow]

As far as I am concerned relationships are about equal partners--being married should not equate to negating your own needs to avoid discomfort in your partner. You have a right to look up people who were important to you just as much as your wife has a right to express her opinion. The real dynamic here is trying to elicit why your wife is fearful for her own relationship with you. Why does she feel threatened. Once you are able to highlight what that is you will be dealing with the route cause and not just the symptoms - her annoyance. This boils down to trust.

 

I don't think either of you have necessarily done anything wrong, but you may want to sit down and communicate with each other in a very truthful way, so that you can strike a balance about your expectations.

[jasperlynx]

thank you ..for your replies. She does not trust me..that what is all boils down to. I knew she would get upset about this and I did it anyways. I was hoping that she would be happy that I got in touch with my old Friends. Fat chance , I am still in the doghouse. Oh well , again its like starting over again. ( letting the smoke settle down, she is always mad at me) ................getting old.

[sally4sara]

thank you ..for your replies. She does not trust me..that what is all boils down to. I knew she would get upset about this and I did it anyways. I was hoping that she would be happy that I got in touch with my old Friends. Fat chance , I am still in the doghouse. Oh well , again its like starting over again. ( letting the smoke settle down, she is always mad at me) ................getting old.

 

Yes, histrionic spouses do contribute to the other spouse's ability to respect and comply with their wishes.

 

I would suggest marriage counseling to help her get past whatever is the root of her distrust. If only so that you may have a normal relationship and normal adult associations with your peers. Marriage need not be a prison sentence and its highly unhealthy for someone to expect their partner to only ever associate with their spouse.

[TMichaels]

Im a 38 yr old husband of 13 yrs with 3 kids. Wife is so against facebook, classmates, or anything else that has to do with getting in touch with your past. She feels that is destroys families and causes turmoil within marriage relationships.

 

Perhaps she would benefit from watching

 

Best,

TMichaels