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i'm not sure anymore. should i let him go?


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Hi. Sorry this is going to be a really long story. So the thing is, I’ve been dating my SO for a bit more than 3 years now. During this time we've never seen each other. I met him online. He lives in California and I live in an Asian country. Other than a distance problem, we also have an age gap, but he's never told me just how much older he is because he doesn’t want to 'scare me away' but I’m guessing about 8 years or so. Otherwise I don’t think we have a compatibility problem. We always try to spend time with each other and have phone calls on Skype almost daily. But a problem that I think we haven't thought about much is that although we've been together for more than 3 years already, we don’t have a clear outlook of our future lives together. I’m still studying, will be studying for a few more years, and he already has a job. I don’t think I can see how we'll end up together in the end but I surely hope we do. He planned to visit in late August or September, which will be our first time meeting each other irl.

 

Lately I’ve been spending more time doing something else rather than spending as much time as I have with him before. I’m studying for my exams which I’ll be having 2 weeks from now that'll last for a whole month. After that I’ll also have my grad trip and family vacation which will probably take up another month. I have to admit that I’m not very good at organizing my time. Sometimes I tell him I need to go to study and therefore cannot talk to him, but I find myself going on facebook or other sites just wasting my time. This makes him think that I prioritize everything else above him. And I guess he has the right to think that way.

 

Lately he told me he feels like he has to beg me for my time, and that he has to constantly wait for me. He also mentioned about how he should let me go, because he thinks I can find a better boyfriend here and not have to endure a long distance relationship. I thought about it but I know I’ll miss my boyfriend a lot. He’s very nice to me and we get along really well. But it's true that I’m not sure where this relationship is heading in the long term.

 

So just yesterday we had another argument about me not prioritizing my time efficiently to spend him with him (he caught me on a forum while I should be studying, yet I didn't say hi to him on aim). I guess it’s quite selfish on my part, so he has the right to be angry. So today I tried to spend more time with him while also study. I talked to him for a little while in the morning, went back to work, and later on (since I’m a bit sick) I decided to call him to sleep on the phone with him. Unbeknown to me he was quite upset with this because he thought we could spend some time together, instead I slept. So later on when he called to wake me up, (he hung up I suppose) I told him I shouldn't be talking to him as I need to study. after talking on the phone for a bit longer, to which he found out I’ll be having dinner with my family later at night (which happens every Sunday anyway) he got quite angry and said I prioritize everything else above him. He says he's trying to understand the study part but he can't take it anymore and he's tired of waiting for me and begging for my time. He now wants a break up so he can stop thinking about me while I am busy doing something else. He says he wants to stop being disappointed and upset. Then he left and blocked me on aim.

 

To this, I feel really bad. It’s true that I’m a big procrastinator and I take much longer than I need to finish my work because I spend time doing something else instead of focusing. And what I do is unfair because the 'other things I do instead of studying' doesn't even include him.

 

I don’t know what I should do now. I think I’m not the best girlfriend. he's my first boyfriend, and I know that shouldn't be an excuse but it's quite hard for me and I’m not sure what I should do (why I’m here now). Should I let him break up with me, hoping the best for him, instead of dragging on with this relationship? I love him a lot but I know at times I can be selfish and hurt/disappoint him. Or should I try to reconcile with him and do a better job this time by trying to put him at a higher priority in my life? the reason I think I should let him go is because I’m still young and this is still my first relationship yet I don’t even know how long it will keep going as a ldr. He also feels that it's a bit unfair for me. I also don’t think I’m a good girlfriend and have caused him hurt in a few other occasions. But I’m afraid of letting go, because I love him so dearly and I’ll miss him so much, and it'll feel like these 3 years has gone wasted.

 

I’m sorry this is so long, but please could I get some advices as to what I should do? Thank you so much (:

Edited by sodapop
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Brace yourself for this. There is nothing you can do if your other party wants out. This is true for all online, LDR and offline relationships.

 

Let me tell you that I've been in the similar state in one of my many LDRs. Imagine me in your boyfriend's place and my girlfriend in your place. She was 5 years younger to me. We were both from Asia but I was from India and she was from Phillipines. That's a major distance too. When we met online via an interactive community website (Gaiaonline) she took a crush to me a liked me a lot. Slowly we became closer and closer and eventually asked her out online. And thus we started an online relationship.

 

The first month went rather happy. We even planned on getting married online. LOL. So as our happy days passed I told her that I grew serious about her and wanted to meet her in real. But it was from that point that she started going downhill in the relationship. She said she only wanted a bf online and saw me as her online bf. So even if she would wait for me to get there she would keep looking for a real bf. I was crushed. It would not have been possible for me to meet her in less than 3 years but ever since she said that, nothing I could do next.

 

Eventually our relationship no longer remained the same. Though at one time she agreed to meet me but soon said that she is not ready for this relationship and that I find someone else, similar to what your bf said.

 

We broke up about a month later. Now we don't talk much. I realized she is one of them who keeps stuffs found online, at online and never takes 'em home. I understand your bf is the same.

 

He could be denying you for several reasons like stated below. Please try to understand them~

 

(1) He is really too old for you and he doesn't want to let you have such an older boyfriend.

(2) He found someone offline and is no longer interested in online world anymore.

(3) He realizes that you won't like him when you two meet him.

(4) He believes you two won't meet at all.

(5) He was a fraud and only was doing this for fun.

(6) More reasons can be deducted if you think about it...

 

I would say it has become really impossible to make this relationship happen since the biggest evidence is that your bf has decided to end this! But nevertheless, if you really want him there are few things you can try. Though they are less likely to make it hold, but you can at least, try~

 

(1) Tell him that you are waiting for him and if he doesnt show up he would really really depress you. If he is has a really REALLY soft spot on you this might just delay the breakup if not hold it forever.

 

(2) Go to his place yourself. This may be impossible for you, and even if you can do this, DO NOT GO THERE ALL BY YOURSELF! Take someone with you. If you turn up in his real life he JUST MIGHT change his mind. But like I said, it may be impossible for you to arrange a meeting yourself.

 

(3) If you know any of his friends or family (trustworthy), contact him/her and tell them your situation. If they are considerate enough or supports the relationship between you and him, they just might make him agree on this.

 

And once again, let me repeat that by all means these methods WONT GUARANTEE YOU A SUCCESS!! So don't rely on them so much. Your best bet, like I said at the beginning is to brace yourself for the breakup and trust me when I say that, the first breakup hurts the most than any other following breakups. Use your present experience and move on.

 

Finally, you may find many people tell you to give up on forming LDRs online. While that they indent to mean is right since you can easily form much more stable relationships in real life than online, let me tell you online LDR can be successful only IF you find the right person.

 

And how will you tell if he is the right person? Look for someone who shows the three important qualities one would need to make a LDR come real:

 

(1) Trust

(2) Faith

(3) Determination

 

Have those three (both of you) and your online LDR will come alive in real life. Trust me. Your current bf has lacks them. HE doesn't desire to be your bf so there is nothing you can do about it. Because he is your first bf you think you love him the most but what really happened between you two is that you two are bonded much closer as someone who you've been meeting online for 3 years. It hurts to break that bond up but remember, there are more better choices you will find in the future. Move on and find someone (online OR offline) who is more compatible for you. (Im in a LDR now, after two LDRs broke, and right now my online partner seems much more perfect than my last two. I'm hoping to take it to real but aw well, we will see what happens next.)

 

Just remember the three important words you need to make an online relationship real: Trust, Faith and Determination. But of course you need Love and Hope alongside.

 

I wish you all the best to endure the pains coming in your way. I felt it too so I know what's it like. And good luck finding a better choice in the future.

Edited by CodenameD
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first red flag-- you've dated for THREE years and he won't tell you his age?!

 

second-- you've dated for THREE years and neither of you has taken the initiative to see each other? I mean I can understand a year or so, but three?

 

Personally, I think you are wasting your time..

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(1) He is really too old for you and he doesn't want to let you have such an older boyfriend.

(2) He found someone offline and is no longer interested in online world anymore.

(3) He realizes that you won't like him when you two meet him.

(4) He believes you two won't meet at all.

(5) He was a fraud and only was doing this for fun.

(6) More reasons can be deducted if you think about it...

 

Thanks for your advices. I think the first can be a possibility. The thing is, we have an age gap that is considered umm.. a bit socially unacceptable? I mean it happens, I fell in love, I didn't choose to fall in love with someone much older. ):

 

There is no chance however that he found someone 'offline'. Our relationship was never an online relationship, just one that started through the internet. And I know he is the most loyal boyfriend ever.

 

There is a chance however that he doesn't think I'll like him when we meet, since he thinks I'm too young and also some insecurity issues (I once implied he had a round face and didn't look good, as a joke, but he didn't take it as one as we just met not too long and I was really stupid about it..)

 

first red flag-- you've dated for THREE years and he won't tell you his age?!

 

second-- you've dated for THREE years and neither of you has taken the initiative to see each other? I mean I can understand a year or so, but three?

 

Personally, I think you are wasting your time..

 

As I said, I think our age gap may be socially unacceptable. I've tried asking him how old he is exactly, but he would never tell me. He says he doesn't want me to look at him differently after I know his age. Even when I assure him that no matter how old he is I will still love him.

 

I'm not even sure what's the reason we haven't met yet. It's quite impossible for me to go meet him, since I can't travel alone (my parents wont allow yet) or with my family (they don't know about him). He's always had some difficulty traveling here. Though we've finally made up our minds that he will definitely visit this summer. However, since he's initiated a 'break' between us, I'm not sure that's going to happen anymore.

 

Thanks so much for reading and giving me advices.

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But honestly, you two are in a relationship! He should be able to be honest and tell you his age..that is just verrryyyy odd to me.

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But honestly, you two are in a relationship! He should be able to be honest and tell you his age..that is just verrryyyy odd to me.

I agree. Weirder thing is I went past the point of caring about that. But now I think about it, I just don't understand why he won't let me know such a simple thing. Could it be that he just doesn't trust me enough? Or it's just part of his insecurity issues.

 

Now that he won't talk to me, and it's only been a day, I feel terrible. I feel that he's been my moral support and I don't really know what I'll do if he really does leave for good. I feel like I would've just wasted 3 years and not even get the chance to meet him. )':

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Yeah, I definitely understand that you'd feel like you wasted all this time:( It just sounds so darn shady to me! I hope it works out for the best!

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I agree. Weirder thing is I went past the point of caring about that. But now I think about it, I just don't understand why he won't let me know such a simple thing. Could it be that he just doesn't trust me enough? Or it's just part of his insecurity issues.

 

Now that he won't talk to me, and it's only been a day, I feel terrible. I feel that he's been my moral support and I don't really know what I'll do if he really does leave for good. I feel like I would've just wasted 3 years and not even get the chance to meet him. )':

 

From your statement it IS clear that he no longer wants to continue this relationship. He does not wishes to give you his own age, thereby lacking honesty and openness in this relationship, which hinders the trust factor. So it's obvious that should he ever tries to talk to you again in the future, YOU should be the one to stop it. Trust me, you won't feel as bad as being stopped by someone else if you do that.

 

Also do not think that your 3 years went to a complete waste. You still got one thing much MUCH more valuable than getting yourself with a guy who doesn't want this. You know what that is?

 

Experience!

 

That is the most important thing. It makes you wiser, better and smarter. You have learned your lesson today so that you can make better choices for a happier tomorrow.

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