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LDR a good idea when future is completely unknown?


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I've read that LDR's are a better idea when there's a concrete plan to live closer together within several years. If you don't know whether this is going to be possible for one or both of you, would you even attempt to keep the relationship going? Or would you break up indefinitely but stay in contact? (In this case, the geographical distance would be within driving distance, albeit a long drive.)

Edited by Isolde
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How long a drive, Isolde?

 

Close enough that if you halved the distance, you could still commute to both work and BF?

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Star Gazer, that's almost possible, and might be something to consider, but we'd be talking a two hour+ commute on a good day, and that could only be a temporary solution, not a permanent one. I can't live that far from work anytime soon, anyway.

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Oh no no no, we've been together for months and not long distance, but I am moving out of town soon.

 

I won't get into the details of this relationship for purposes of this thread, but I will say that talking about permanent relocation to live in the same place, seems premature for many reasons, some of those being rather unique circumstances, although the relationship itself couldn't be better. Hence there's been much anxiety as to what to do, with two options: 1) Trying out LDR and 2) being more informal or spontaneous about the whole thing.

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We don't and can't expect one another to make life decisions predicated on this relationship.

Edited by Isolde
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threebyfate

What's the worst case scenario of testing an short distance LDR? The worst case scenario I can think of, is that it doesn't work. If you preemptively break up before you go, you'll still be in the same position where you've broken up.

 

IMO, a 2+ hour driving LDR is no big deal. You can alternate weekends, as to who does the driving, spending weekends together and remaining in contact, during the week days via cyberspace or telcom.

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2+ hours is halved, tbf, and it's actually more an issue of the fact that we can't make plans to ultimately live in the same place, more than the distance itself, if this makes sense to you. I can't get into details for privacy reasons.

 

Honestly, I'm not really sure what either of us wants to do, having now discussed various options.

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threebyfate

Okay, now that makes more sense why you're reluctant. Tbh, I wouldn't wish an LDR on my worst enemy, unless it was short-distance, where both parties are determined to make it work.

 

The last possibility is to fly, once or twice a month, but this can eat quickly into your income.

 

Best to continue talking to your b/f and see how invested he is, in continuing on. If he's unconvinced or has mediocre interest, you might as well consider that it's time to part ways. Not all relationships are meant to last forever.

 

On the otherhand, if you split, you might both be surprised how much you miss each other and reconsider. Any decision made now, can be reversed.

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Believe me, it's not an issue of interest.

 

You're right that LDRs are the pits, hence I'm not eager to jump in those waters, and neither is he. I can only hope we keep on being as communicative as we are now, and that time makes things clearer for us both.

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threebyfate

I think you're going about it the right way, keeping communications open but not beating it to death. Once again, decisions made at any time, aren't irrevocable, unless it turns into a slash and burn battle, which isn't your style.

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I've read that LDR's are a better idea when there's a concrete plan to live closer together within several years. If you don't know whether this is going to be possible for one or both of you, would you even attempt to keep the relationship going? Or would you break up indefinitely but stay in contact? (In this case, the geographical distance would be within driving distance, albeit a long drive.)

 

I'd either give a weekend-relationship a try or break up for good. A weekend-relationship isn't that bad IMO, and a 4h drive or preferably a short flight (depending on what it costs) is manageable.

 

Personally, I wouldn't break up but stay in contact. I never understood why people would do that but I don't stay in contact with exes, so I am biased.

 

Besides, why do you think it's not going to be possible that you will live closer together within the next couple of years? I find that far more troubling than the distance.

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Isolde, how do you feel about this guy? Is this someone you are in love with, have a future with? Just someone to have fun with?

 

The thing is: the future is always unknown. Being in the same town doesn't guarantee a happy ending, and while living four hours apart isn't ideal and certainly doesn't help matters, it doesn't mean you *can't* have a happy ending.

 

Right now my boyfriend and I live over 1000 miles apart. He moved after we'd only been dating two months, but we both went into the situation wanting to make this relationship work, while understanding there would be obstacles and challenges along the way.

 

However, if you don't think the relationship is worth it, then a LDR will mostly likely not work.

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We are very much in love, but that doesn't mean that we can be completely unreasonable and not account for our lives outside of the R. Believe me when I say this situation is complex, and it is not a matter of how we feel about one another.

Neither of us is ready to "give up," by any means.

Edited by Isolde
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Isolde go for it, I mean in all honesty a 2+ hour commute isn't much. There are some people I know who drive that far everyday for work. Even if you two can just see each other on weekends, if you really love each other it will be worth it. I'm in a LDR right now with no definite plans other than those that will happen in 2 months when I go to see him, other than that everything is up in the air. But like everyone else has said here before me, if you think he's worth it go for it. If not, move on.

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Depends on how strongly you feel for him IMO. If you really think the two of you had a decent shot together, I would totally, totally do it. But if you really just feel meh about him, like he's not much worth the wait, really , I wouldn't.

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BF and I will give the LDR with an uncertain future a try. But we have already started talking about ways and time when we could possibly start considering being together. Our rather, we've mapped out "our ideal scenario" and are brainstorming ways to make it happen. It's comforting to think about this. There's no way we can imagine living in the same city again for the next 3 years.

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We are very much in love, but that doesn't mean that we can be completely unreasonable and not account for our lives outside of the R. Believe me when I say this situation is complex, and it is not a matter of how we feel about one another.

Neither of us is ready to "give up," by any means.

 

Then that's the part you need to work on in order to make this work. It's called a compromise.. and it will take some planning and lot's of communication on both parts. Hang in there.

 

Mea:)

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We are very much in love, but that doesn't mean that we can be completely unreasonable and not account for our lives outside of the R. Believe me when I say this situation is complex, and it is not a matter of how we feel about one another.

Neither of us is ready to "give up," by any means.

 

I think this last statement gives you your answer.

 

Somebody else already said something like the worst scenario would be breaking up.... and, if you do it now, just because you know you'll be apart soon... then you ARE giving up.

 

I have NO IDEA, if my boyfriend and I will be living in the same place once his two years out of the country are up. But, I was happy with him when he was here, I loved him when he moved and decided to try to make this work... despite of the distance and hard times.. I love him still... and will continue to endure this, as long as I love him and he loves me back... I believe that if you love eachother, you can make it work...

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