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Lied in Illinois


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ladyofthelake

Dear LoveShack,

 

I am 50 years old and have been divorced for 8 years, amicably and happily. Although I have restricted my Internet chatroom participation to a minimum, I was online the other night waiting for a college girlfriend and a man in the room sent me a personal message. We instantly hit it off and talked for about 4 hours. We exchanged email addresses and sent each other a couple emails that day and met online the next night and had another wonderful discussion. We both were falling very much in like with each other due to our being older and knowing ourselves so well. We began to exchange personal information and he told me he was 47 and I told him I was 29. I am not. I am 50. He told me he lived in Washington and I told him I lived in Florida. I do not. I live in Illinois. He asked for my phone number since we had reached the point of wanting to hear each other's voices and I came up with a story about a stalker and having a relative pull strings with the phone company and that his phone bill would register the call from Illinois.

 

He called and we talked for hours. Since we were both victims of child abuse and have healed and are survivors, we found out that we were truly soulmates and our feelings escalated fast. My lie weighed heavily on my conscience and I knew that soon I would have to come clean with the truth. I would lie awake at night crying because I knew I risked losing him. He said he wanted me to come to Washington on his birthday and paid for a plane ticket for me on one of the travel websites. The next day he called me on the phone and told me that he wanted me to know all the dark places in his life so that when I came to Washington I would know all about him and there would be nothing from the past that could invade our relationship. I knew I couldn't wait to confess my lie because his openness touched my heart so much.

 

I confessed, and of course he told me I had hurt him very much and that he needed time to "connect the dots" and to digest it all. He called me the next day and he told me that he loved me and if we really had something between us I needed to give him space and time to realize it. He is not calling me now, but wants to continue to email back and forth. I realize that his trust has been violated and I am kicking myself as do all people who have erred in this way. I am willing to do anything right which will ensure that our relationship continues.

 

LoveShack, do you think I still have a chance with him? What should I do or not do to make sure I don't push him further away?

 

ladyofthelake

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I think that is key first of all.

 

You made a big mistake, thats clear here, and you may lose him because of it but you may not too. The important thing for you to do is not to force the issue. He needs to resolve it in his own mind. There is absolutely nothing you can say that will progress his mind on that matter.

 

I understand how you feel, I hate undertainty too...when I get a problem I desire to resolve it as soon as possible or it weighs on my mind like a lead balloon. I suggest you divert your attention as best you can and get involved in lots of things to keep your mind away, and to also remain somewhat of a challenge to him. If you can keep your head up despite this it will be a positive in his eyes. The problem wo resolve will only be the lie and he may still want to be with you after all.

 

I'm interested to know if you have exchanged photo..I'm guessing not. If you haven't it would be a good idea to send him a photo now to get things even more out in the open so he can make his decision. There is really nothing more I can see that you can do.

 

Oliver

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Very bluntly, I don't see that you have much of a chance. If he didn't have a problem with you age, he would have instantly forgiven you and things would have gone on from there.

 

A 47-year-old guy is looking for a 29-year-old woman, as you represented yourself. That was obviously a very important component of the exchange. Once your age went up by 21 years, his interest went down by as much.

 

Obviously, you sensed his desire for a young lady or you wouldn't have had any reason to lie. You feared being rejected if you gave him your correct age...and now you've gotten it.

 

I'm not meaning to be cruel and don't want to hurt your feelings...we will all be 50 and older sooner or later. But the lie was not nearly as critical to your relationship with this guy as the fact that you are older than him...and if he is like most guys his age, he wants a young chirpie.

 

Smile, you've learned a lesson and you can find somebody nice. Just start things out with the truth.

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ladyofthelake

Dear Oliver and Tony,

 

I am sending this in response to your posts regarding my post entitled "Lied in Illinois. First of all, Oliver, you are so very much on target. He said the same thing. I know I can't force the issue now, but I have to let him realize, slowly, exactly how much I do or don't mean to him. We did exchange pictures and we were both very pleased with what we saw. That is not a problem. Thank you, Oliver, for your sensitivity and your wisdom. I appreciate it very much.

 

Tony, I thank you for taking the time out to respond. Yes, I did lie and I know better than that. I don't want to sound like I am making excuses here, and there is never any GOOD excuse to lie, but at the time I panicked and did the wrong thing. No one regrets it more than I do. As for his wanting a chirpy, no, we addressed that after my coming forth with the truth and he told me he was relieved that I am his age. He said that he considers a 29-year-old to be a little girl. So Tony, with all due respect you are wrong on that count.

 

ladyofthelake

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YOU WRITE: "As for his wanting a chirpy, no, we addressed that after my coming forth with the truth and he told me he was relieved that I am his age."

 

Did you ever consider that he was lying to you through his butt with this one in order to reduce your hurt and embarassment? (People do lie sometimes, you know). I think that's exactly what he was doing and I'll tell you why.

 

You say this guy is great. Well, if he is great and he was OK with your very brave disclosure he would have instantly forgiven it. People are selective in what disclosures they can forgive and what they can't. If they are OK with the disclosure, they forgive it instantly. If they aren't OK with it, they back off and withdraw to various extents just like he did. The little part of contact that remains is due to guilt, again a sign of a nice guy.

 

I don't blame you for wanting to make yourself feel as good as possible. I want you to feel great as well. But I am telling you straight as an arrow....this man MUST like young girls or he wouldn't have been so enthusiastic about you when he thought you were 29.

 

Somebody needs to get into reality here. Making yourself feel good by rationalizing is OK but facing the music and moving on is much better. The evidence does not support your assertion (and his) that he considers a 29 year old a little girl. That would make his activities with you online prior to your disclosure that of a pedophile.

 

For him to make a statement like that makes HIM a liar too because if he is being truthful with you now about how he feels about 29 year olds, his passion and enthusiasm for you when he thought you were that age was one big lie.

 

This all stinks...but think whatever you want to make yourself feel good. But please don't expect this guy to be the love of your life. I don't think you want a liar in your life. And I don't think you want somebody who claims to care for you yet can't forgive you and forget a transgression if he truly cares about you.

 

This man speaks with forked tongue. Don't let your mind think that way. His behavior makes no sense in any other context except you age made a major difference to him. He just wouldn't have backed off big time like this if he was OK with it or if he was a mature person who understood the very sweet reason you did it.

 

Either way, this man doesn't seem like a man you would want in your life. Whatever you do in life, don't lie to yourself. You need to sit back and wait for the reality of all this instead of burying yourself deeper into something that doesn't yet exist.

 

I don't blame you at all for wanting to believe him. As you know, people tend to want to hear what they want to hear and to believe what they want to believe. That's OK sometimes.

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HokeyReligions
You say this guy is great. Well, if he is great and he was OK with your very brave disclosure he would have instantly forgiven it. People are selective in what disclosures they can forgive and what they can't. If they are OK with the disclosure, they forgive it instantly. If they aren't OK with it, they back off and withdraw to various extents just like he did.

 

I don't agree with this. I have been lied to and even though the truth was fine with me, the fact of the LIE is what hurt me. Why would someone lie to me? Were they ashamed? Desperate? Habitual? Was that lie part of another lie? What else have they told me been a lie? Those are some things he may be thinking.

 

LotL, It difficult at our age (& I'm very close to you in age) to find someone. I have several single friends who tell me about their dating woes, and their lonliness. Even though they are independent and don't NEED anyone to be with, its wonderful to have someone.

 

Perhaps, before declaring love for each other, you two should agree to start from scratch and try regular dating. I know it won't be easy because of the long-distance thing, but that might be the way to go.

 

But, speaking of long-distance - are you each tied to your locales? Do you have kids/family/job that is keeping each of you where you are? You both might want to think about that before you progress. It might not be worth it to either of you to actually, truly fall for each other, then one of you have to make a very big sacrifice.

 

Good Luck, and don't think about the lie anymore. We all do it to certain degrees. It's over and you are dealing with it & that's all you can do.

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YOU WRITE: "I don't agree with this. I have been lied to and even though the truth was fine with me, the fact of the LIE is what hurt me. Why would someone lie to me? Were they ashamed? Desperate? Habitual? Was that lie part of another lie? What else have they told me been a lie? Those are some things he may be thinking."

 

Again, I assert the fact that if somebody is OK with something they forgive.

 

I stubbornly refuse to upset myself and hurt myself because of other people's behavior. It's insane for me to work myself because somebody else lied to me. If I like them, I blow it off. If I don't, I break it off.

 

The fact is that MOST people lie sometimes. MANY people lie all the time. It's just something they do and you can't get around it.

 

I don't know this guy and I know you are flexible enough in your thought processes to know that my speculation may be right or wrong. But I still hold the position that people control their feelings and if a guy is really into a lady, intelligent and understanding, he will have no problem accepting the fact that she lied about her age. In the course of my day, people's ages are about the least significant thing to me...unless I have made a significant issue out of it.

 

To this man, her age was significant so he has backed off. If he was truly interested in her as a person, he wouldn't have done that. But I respect your opinion and you are right in the case of many people.

 

I have as little to do with most people as I can because most people are just plain nuts. It's just crazy to get upset over the lies and unruly behavior of other human beings. It's the most irrational thing a person can do.

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HokeyReligions
Again, I assert the fact that if somebody is OK with something they forgive.

This isn't a fact though. It's your belief, opinion, truth, whatever you want to call it and I'm not saying you are wrong.

 

In theory I agree with you. But I also think it takes time to forgive - different amounts of time for everyone. And sometimes it is the fact of the lie itself that is most important to someone, and the content and context of the lie is secondary.

 

I think age & experience have a lot to do with it too, because I have certainly found that my priorities have changed dramatically, and continue to change, while certain aspects of my life have become so settled that they are virtually set in stone. Something I may have given up or changed for someone 10 years ago I would not now.

 

This man may be thinking along those lines too. He may be hurt and confused and thinking something along the lines of "I don't have all the time in the world, there are things I want to do before I retire or die" and he may be asking himself if he feels like dealing with this now. I'm so set in my ways that I may be the type of person who has to think it over and then would probably decide I didn't want to put the effort into a relationship. Then again, meeting over the Internet - I would just about expect some lies and may be more forgiving. This guy may be thinking all of this through right now and not making snap decisions.

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Maybe it's just that I'm way too old to waste precious time thinking about other people's goofs. It's so irrelevant to my life and happiness and doing so is actually counterproductive and damaging to my contentment. I am only responsible for my behavior. I just can't let other people's shxt get to me. Doing so is just goofy, in my own humble opinion.

 

If people tell me the truth, that's a bonus. If they don't and I'm not killed or injured as a result, it's in my best interest to let it go.

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HokeyReligions

I admire a man (or person) who knows what he wants and makes his decisions and sticks to his guns. Sometimes I wish I could be more like that myself, but its just not in my nature.

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Well, all I can say is, if someone will lie about something stupid, they'll lie about big things too. I'm sure he feels very betrayed about your lie, and I'd give him space to think about what all it means to him.

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ladyofthelake

As I had stated earlier today to you Ally, you seem so critical of me and make a blanket statement about someone you don't even know. I told a lie. Have you ever told one? I did a dumb thing that I regret and wish forgiveness for. Have you ever wanted and expected forgiveness and restoration for anything?

I am not saying this to whitewash or exempt myself from my responsibility to be a mature, healthy functional adult. I didn't have to come online and confess my lie to the whole world and complete strangers. I did it because my heart is truly sorry and I want to find some peace in this. I think that took guts on my part and proves that I AM a person of integrity and courage.

 

Telling a lie does not necessarily make me a liar. If that is the case then we all are liars since I'll wager everyone reading this, including you has told at least one.

 

Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts.

 

ladyofthelake

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Just A Girl2

I know it's done and over with, but I'm just curious....why do you think you lied in the first place? I know you said you did so because you "panicked".....but what do you really mean? Were you just 'caught off guard' at being approached online like this, and you didn't feel comfortable giving out personal (semi-personal) details about yourself? Do you even know for sure WHY you did this? I think it's likely important for you to get to the bottom of why you didn't feel comfortable giving out the truth.

 

That being said, I agree with Tony...in his comments about how hypocritical this guy seems....him being so enthusiastic in getting to know you, him thinking you were this "29 yr old".....wanting to talk on the phone, to fly you there to see him......THEN when you came clean, he tells you that he's in fact relieved that you're not 29 because a woman that young is like a little girl to him (or whatever the wording was). He just contradicted his beliefs in a large way here, for if he REALLY did feel this way about women nearly half his age, he wouldn't have invested the amount of time and energy getting to know you/continuing to correspond with you. So yeah, he's a liar as well.

 

I used to do that chat room thing years ago, and I'm no stranger to those online personal ad sites (for singles).....and I have to be honest, if I find out someone's lied about the very 'basics', I write them right off.......it makes me wonder what else they've lied about. How I feel is, the anonymity of the internet should foster a person's sense of freedom to be truthful......after all, the whole process is a rather distant one...where you type words onto a screen, can't see the person face to face initially.....so to me, if someone lies about the basics (their age, marital status, if they have kids, their living arrangements, etc), I see that as a major red flag.

 

In all honesty, you really are better off meeting someone "in real life" versus a chat room. People in chat rooms who go their with the underlying intention of trying to "meet someone" are generally chatting it up with a few people at the same time, there's usually a lot of games and dishonesty. IMO.

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I'm sorry that you think I was judging you. I was just stating my opinions matter of factly. There is nothing that you don't already know that can be said about this. The only thing you can do is give him a chance to think about it, and ask him if there is a chance (which there probably won't be) and then learn from this. That's what life's about...living and learning.

 

Sorry you thought I was being critical....that was not my intention.

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I was wondering why no one had asked the important question of why she told the guy a lie, until I read JAG's post. while I don't mind answering questions, I get antsy giving out information, especially on-line, because you just don't know who you're dealing with. And I can see how LOTL chose to misrepresent certain things about herself, because I wouldn't want someone I barely know to learn where I lived or trace my address through a reverse phone directory. You just can't be too careful.

 

however, there's always the part of later being caught in your lies, no matter how small they are, and if the person on the receiving end is the kind of person who doesn't subscribe to that kind of behavior, explaining yourself will be hard to do.

 

LOTL, the ball is in his court. When he feels he is able to reconcile the untruths you told him (because he rejects lying) with how much he likes you, then he'll be ready to call. If he asks why you lied to him, be honest. He might be more forgiving than you expect.

 

If he doesn't call back, chalk it up to a learning experience.

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Just A Girl2

Hi,

Just curious here, about something you wrote:

 

"And I can see how LOTL chose to misrepresent certain things about herself, because I wouldn't want someone I barely know to learn where I lived or trace my address through a reverse phone directory. You just can't be too careful."

 

Do you think it's all that easy? I didn't think so. As long as a person only gives their first name (I would sometimes use my middle name, just to be more careful..and then if I got to a point where I trusted them, it wasn't that I was lying, I just gave them my MIDDLE name LOL), and a VERY VERY general idea as to where they live...eg) what state, near what large city, etc........I really don't think this is enough info with which to trace someone's name. You'd have to have their last name..and even with a reverse directory, they often don't work for 2 reasons: They often aren't very 'up to date'..and also, if you have an unlisted/non-published phone #/address, it also won't show up.

 

Sometimes if someone asks what you do for a living, you can be a bit more general, as opposed to specific. There's all kinds of ways to be "vague" about things but still be honest....and if you ever feel that someone is asking too many questions, you can either tell them you don't think it's any of their business, or tell them that it's nothing personal but that you don't feel comfy divulging too much to a 'stranger.'

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it's prolly just the reporter in me, but there are ways to get people to tell you about themselves without them even realizing it. Basically, you get someone to feel comfortable about opening up to you by sharing something about yourself (you come from a big family, too? I think we used to drive our mama crazy with our music, with our pets, etc), and before you know it, they're talking. You'd be amazed what you share with others, and if someone is intent on finding out everything about you, he or she will go to no end to find out that information once they put their mind to it.

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