Frustrated....neverending long distance.

[Ashbash11]

Hello

I've posted many times about the difficulties I've had with long distance but things are getting a bit more grim. So, the brief backstory is this: My boyfriend lives in California, I live in Boston (3,000 mile distance). We've been doing long distance for 9 months. He had to move there for work- he's an astronomer, so he lives up at an observatory. I am a graduate student, and I still have one more year of school in Boston.

 

So.... because I have the summer off, I flew out here to spend my 2 months off with him. We rented an apartment together and I had the illusion that we'd be together all the time and everything would be great. Well, I was WRONG. He has to live at the observatory during the week. That means, I am alone ALL week, and then he comes down on the weekends. Well, I have no friends or family or ANYONE here, so I spend most of my time alone.... What really really bothers me is that no matter WHAT we do, because of his job, we will always be doing some kind of long distance, unless he gets another more normal job (9-5 pm kind of thing).

 

And, like I've posted about before, if we want to stay together, I have to be the one to move, because he's already settled with his job here. I just feel really hopeless about all of this. I love this guy so much, and we have a really special, close relationship. However, I don't think I can live like this! I hate being alone this much already, and I just got to California! This is the life I will have, and it's not a good one. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for, but I just wish someone else had a similar experience, or some insight. I keep asking myself, "is this the life you want?" One where you are forced to move to a strange place, and sit alone all the time? Eat alone? Do everything alone? I mean, I know that eventually I'd make friends, but I feel like the long distance is BUILT IN to our relationship, because of his job. It's really frustrating, and heartbreaking.

[LDR]

Have you talked to him about how you feel? Does he enjoy having to stay all week in the observatory? Does he see himself still working there in a few years, even if he decides to have kids in the future? That is something that you should discuss with him, and evaluate the options. That sucks, and good luck!

[Ashbash11]

Yes, I have voiced my concerns to him. It's weird, he always seems very laid back about everything. He always says, "everything will be fine, don't worry." But, he never explains how it will be fine. I end up not being reassured.

 

I don't think he likes living at the observatory, but he doesn't have much choice. It's one of the requirements of his job.

 

I am not sure how long he is going to work there. He's mentioned before that it's a granted position, which means that eventually, the grant could run out and he'd have to get another job. However, the last guy who had his position worked there for 15 years.... that worries me a lot. I've asked him before about having a family and how that job would affect it, but he doesn't seem to say much about that.... It's all very uncertain at this point. Like I've mentioned, I am frustrated that his job dictates when we can or can't see each other. Our relationship is pretty much based upon his work hours. It's quite lousy.

[burningashes]

Hi Ash,

 

I can't relate to being in a LDR, but I can relate to your frustrations regarding his work hours. My guy and I work long and weird hours that switch from nights to days etc, so sometimes we can't see each other for a week or 2 because of our jobs. We have difficulties keeping in touch because if I work nights, I have to sleep during the day, vice versa for him, so we get very little time to talk when we do have the chance. So I understand completely. Thing is that, I plan on quitting my job when I finish school and his job is his career, so I too have to ask myself the same question.

 

I thought about it and said that I would understand completely if he has to work, as long as we make compromises and work together. It sucks, but I think it's worth the investment so I'm willing to overlook the fact our relationship is dictated by work. He takes me out on dates and we make sure we spend what time we have doing something together, so I'm okay with that, because I know he's as invested as I am into our relationship. In the mean time? I focus on school and live my life.

 

Does he try to make up for the job interference? It sounds like you need to think about what your needs are- what isn't he fulfilling? Aside from the LD, do you feel that he is as invested into this relationship as you are? Have you asked him where he sees this going? I'm afraid that you need to be very blunt with him and tell him exactly how you are feeling. Could it be possible that you fear that you are investing so much into this, hoping for what may not happen in the future, and feel like you wasted your time? All that heartache and worrying was all for nothing when you could have easily stepped aside now and spared you the pain later on?

 

You may need to say this, "I need to know where you think this is going- I don't want to invest my energy into a relationship that isn't going to go where I want it to go." Straight up. It applies to all couples, LD or not- the LD heightens the need for this because both sides need to be absolutely clear and have goals to work together to reach. That's the problem right there... you 2 have not discussed long term goals and this is making you question his commitment to this relationship. Hope this helps!

[Ashbash11]

Thanks for your response, BurningAshes. I agree. I think that we need to discuss our long-term plans more... We've talked about it a bit- but the thing is, we're both still young, and marriage isn't in the picture at all yet. So, the commitment piece is a little dicey.

 

However, yes, I think that he is just as invested in this relationship as I am. I guess what I am trying to get at, is the fact that his job will prevent him from ever having a "normal" life with me- he'll always be gone every other week, and that affects our relationship, as well as his social life. He has NO friends here, because it's impossible to keep a healthy social life going when you work on a mountain at night, every other week. I'll have to make my own circle of friends, and he won't really be included in that, which makes me sad. The need he's not fulfilling is just being here. I feel alone. He's not available to talk often, because he has no cell phone at the observatory. He works all night, and only has about 1-2 hours per day to talk, if that....

 

It's like, the long distance piece is already hard, but his job just makes it that much harder. Do you know what I mean? I am not really sure that talking about the future will help me feel better. My biggest fear is that I will move out to California with high hopes for our relationship, and then his job could ruin everything... I will be lonely, and then get resentful, miss my friends/family, and move back to the east coast. We are too young to talk about marriage, so what kind of commitment can I ask for from him? That he will quit this job in 3 years? I'm not even sure he can promise that. He can't really promise anything.

[Els]

Ash,

 

Do you know if he has other job options that will allow him to actually live at home and drive to work like a normal man? Granted observatories in the mountains generally entail a long drive, but I know plenty of people who drive 2 or even more hours to work everyday, so that's not an impossibility. Or does he WANT to live this kind of life, is it his life's dream to work in THIS sort of observatory?

 

The part where you said you rented an apartment together and you thought you'd have all week with him is disturbing, though. You didn't talk about what his working plans would be like when you're there for the summer, until you actually got there? Or was there a sudden change of plans, an emergency?

[Ashbash11]

I suppose if we lived in the town at the base of Mt. Wilson, or a town like Pasadena, then driving to work would be an option. However, I don't think after a night of observing he'd want to drive back down the mountain at say..... 5 am? I actually think he really enjoys this life. He says this is as "close to loving a job" as he'll ever get. :0

 

As for this summer, we rented a place near the observatory, so I figured he'd be able to come down during the week and visit me. However, he's too tired to drive down here, so it hasn't been working out as I had thought. I knew that I"d be alone for part of the time, and I was OK with it, but now that I am actually here, and I see what it feels like, I am unhappy. You know?

[Ashbash11]

I'm thinking of having a serious conversation with him about all of this. I don't want to end our relationship, but I feel like if he keeps this job for the next 10 years, I will have to. I don't want to be in a long distance relationship FOREVER. It's hard....

[Els]

Oh, Ash. Yes, definitely talk to him about it. Tell him that you wouldn't be able to take it, if he spent all his weeks at the observatory, always. Discuss the other options that you have. Frankly, if he does care for you, he would at least consider the possibility of taking a job at another observatory if you can make the compromise of living in the mountain town with him.

[Maggs]

My fiance travels with his job. It's a great job and I'm glad he enjoys it, has job security, pays well, etc. He's usually gone for anywhere's from 1 week-1 month. Then home for a weekend, or a few days, or a couple of weeks. It changes all the time. So we'll always be a long distance couple. But this doesn't bother me, it's all we've ever done. And in fact, I would even have a hard time adjusting if he decided to get a Mon-Fri, 8-5 job and was home everyday.

 

The way I look at it is it's better to see him every weekend or every weekend then only 3-4 times a year. If I can manage several months, I think I can handle 5 days. This is something you need to decide yourself if you can do it. I've lived with my fiance for a few months while he's away working. I go out and see friends, visit his family, go shopping, do things around the house, etc. Of course when I move over next year, I'll be working so that will keep me busy too.

 

Only you know if you can handle it.

[Ashbash11]

Maggs-

Wow, I am impressed by your ability to do this. The thing is with my situation, I feel like I could handle him being away for his job if I were back in Boston, where I DO have friends, family, hobbies, and school. However, if I move out to California, he's ALL I have. See what I mean? If I move out here, I will lose my entire support system and everything that is familiar and comfortable. I will be relying on him for a while, until I start to settle in. I just feel like I'd be giving up A LOT for him, and he won't even be around much. See what I am getting at?

[indyainfo]

just talk to him, what you feel

 

http://www.easymedfind.com/

[Els]

Maggs-

Wow, I am impressed by your ability to do this. The thing is with my situation, I feel like I could handle him being away for his job if I were back in Boston, where I DO have friends, family, hobbies, and school. However, if I move out to California, he's ALL I have. See what I mean? If I move out here, I will lose my entire support system and everything that is familiar and comfortable. I will be relying on him for a while, until I start to settle in. I just feel like I'd be giving up A LOT for him, and he won't even be around much. See what I am getting at?

 

I have the same fears as you, Ash. I most fear that if I were to give up everything to be with him and we'd still not be able to have the kind of relationship that I want (because of work etc), I might grow resentful and that would taint the relationship.

 

That's why I think it's important that in such circumstances, BOTH partners should have to compromise. Definitely one is going to need to compromise more, but it should never be all one-sided. In your shoes, honestly, if I was going to put it all out there and go to him solely for him, I would seriously discuss with him what HE is willing to give up on his side to make it work. And if he wasn't willing to give up what I believe I really need, I would not go unless there would be an improvement in quality of life for me as well if I were to go -- or at least an acceptable quality of life if he were not in the equation.

 

What exactly do you need to give up to be with him? Is it reversible? As in, if you figure you don't want to be there, can you just come back and resume everything (your job etc)?

[Maggs]

Maggs-

Wow, I am impressed by your ability to do this. The thing is with my situation, I feel like I could handle him being away for his job if I were back in Boston, where I DO have friends, family, hobbies, and school. However, if I move out to California, he's ALL I have. See what I mean? If I move out here, I will lose my entire support system and everything that is familiar and comfortable. I will be relying on him for a while, until I start to settle in. I just feel like I'd be giving up A LOT for him, and he won't even be around much. See what I am getting at?

 

Yes I do know exactly what you mean! Thankfully I spent 2 yrs living in the UK already so I've built up my own life there. I had to, because I moved over there on my own and didn't start dating him until I'd been there for a year. I guess I'm very lucky in that way.

 

But my future sis-in-law. She's in the same boat as you. She only went over to the UK to be with her husband, and has been totally dependent on him from day 1. And because of that, she is miserable. And she admits it. If you try to make an effort, you'll do just fine. But you need to start that right from the word go. If you don't, you will be miserable. I can definitely see that.

 

At the end of the day it's up to you. Would you rather be somewhat miserable living there, trying to adjust to a new life. Or totally miserable without him for the rest of your life!

[burningashes]

Hi Ash,

 

I read your replies to other posters' questions and I understand a little better now. It's a lot to sacrifice, but it's obviously worth it to you. How much time does he have exactly when he's not working? What does he do when he's not working?

[Island Girl]

Hey there.

 

I don't really have much to weigh in with.

 

With my situation being what it has been for so long I would gladly step into a world where I had him here even part time.

 

It isn't ideal for sure. But life changes and things will not always be as they are. Jobs change - hell, even careers change.

For me, I know I'll never find another who so completes me and loves me unconditionally.

 

Only you can decide what you would truly give up if you broke up and left for good.

 

That should be weighed against your admission that you would make friends and create more of a life so there would be a bit more balance and less time alone if you lived there.

 

I wish you the very best. And my only wish is that you make the best decision for you.

[Ashbash11]

Thank you for your responses, guys. Burningashes, to answer your question: when he is not working, he has 6 days off. It's sort of strange- he works 8 nights in a row, gets 6 days off, works 8 nights. etc. etc. But then, during the summer, he only gets weekends.. His schedule is very unpredictable and changes regularly, so I can't really know HOW much time he will have.

 

When he isn't working, he sleeps, really. He's always groggy and cranky after staying up all night for a week.. I don't think he realizes just how much this job is affecting his body.

 

In terms of the other important issues, I totally agree that I need to ask him what sacrifices HE is willing to make, so that he can meet me halfway. It IS worth it to me, but of course, I still have my doubts. I am very close to my family and friends back east, so regardless, this will be hard for me. There's no way around it.