frustations of Med. distance in miles,-long distance issues-

[hummingbird]

HI

ugh am here with incredible frustration:confused:..... I am blessed to have only a 2 hr drive apart in our LDR.... but I still find frustrations of it that some times make me just want to scream.....

We are both in our 40's with grown/growing children that keep us in this situation for at least 2 more years. We see each other most weekends so I know relative to the LDR's here, I probably come across selfish and you have no idea....what a real LDR is like, but I do to some extent.

 

I am just feeling the some time one sidedness of our R... as he works/travels about 400mi/wk with his work....traveling in the car is the last thing he wishes to do on weekends so I often go to his place...

This weekend.... because he has hopes to do on his sons's dirt bike etc. and needs some help from his "ughhh " "friend" who I despise and want no where to be around him, we are not seeing each other this weekend.

 

OK,,, I can be ok with some time apart to take of life --my place and him at his, but his comment was this is how it is in the summer, I do these kinds of things and since you don't like him, that is how it is.

... so my choice is be disgusted by this guy and be around him...or not see each other...which will end up with resentment on my part for sure... and resentment leads to w/drawl --a R killer.--resentment either way.

 

I did tell him that our time with each other is very impt to me and I don't do well with frequent spans of separation ( esp if it because of his friend-ugh)

 

I am at such an impasse with all of this in my mind.... this is a wonderfully good and genuine honest man.... I am done with the scum one I unfortunately had my heart torn apart by....but not him...he is a truly great guy............. but .... this is not going to go away very soon.

Part of me at times thinks we shoud just end this now.... sometimes the telephone really doesn't make a difference.... the physical closeness is something I embrace..hugs, eye contact, touch, caress, this isn't even about sex, but I am a physical person and I find that is a part of how I communicate and express myself....

Then I know this is a great guy...to lose him would likely be very foolish...

 

Do I take some time apart so he can feel the separation a little more concretely?

Do I just bite my lips and feel the frustration time and time again???but what is that doing to my closeness/withdrawl?

Do I complain and whine...ugh.... not good

Do I keep thinking about the positives and try to ignore my feelings?

He understands why I can't stand his friend.... the guy is actually a real jerk but for some reason he still keeps some friendship /mutual hlep me out kind of thing going on.....

I am not ever going to want to be in his presence or socialize with him and his wife and my guy..... ....

so this is in part my problem, because we could be together.....

but on the other hand we could spend time with each other part of a weekend and then he could work on things the other part when I have left..

compromise?????

I do all the driving to his house every weekned... It becomes a little tiring but I do because I love and care for him...

somehow, at times I feel under appreciated and taken for granted that way...

we have been with each other for 9 months .... and it seems to short a time for me to feel these unsettling feelings

 

any ideas, thoughts, common suggestions??????????

today I do feel such a frustration and a sadness about this at the same time....

and my heart goes to all of you who endure the long long distance stuff...

it has got to be so challenging and worth it at the same time

[blastfromthepast]

I am basically in the same situation you are in. My bf and I live 2 hours apart as well. We usually see each other every other weekend and this is one of our "off" weekends. He thinks its good that we miss each other, that way we really enjoy our times together. Which is true, but its also bullsh*^!

I get really frustrated and what's worse is - we talk to each other several times a day during the week and he calls me every night before he goes to bed, but on the weekends we don't see each other, he rarely calls me at all! I'm like, don't you want to talk - don't you miss me on the weekends?

As far as going to see each other, I usually drive to him - because my car gets better gas mileage and I really don't mind the drive. Up until recently, I did all the traveling, but he has been coming to me more often of late.

I guess all we can do is hang in there and hope for the best. But I have the same questions in my head that you do and somehow its reassuring to know that I am not alone!

[hummingbird]

I am basically in the same situation you are in. My bf and I live 2 hours apart as well. We usually see each other every other weekend and this is one of our "off" weekends. He thinks its good that we miss each other, that way we really enjoy our times together. Which is true, but its also bullsh*^!

I get really frustrated and what's worse is - we talk to each other several times a day during the week and he calls me every night before he goes to bed, but on the weekends we don't see each other, he rarely calls me at all! I'm like, don't you want to talk - don't you miss me on the weekends?

As far as going to see each other, I usually drive to him - because my car gets better gas mileage and I really don't mind the drive. Up until recently, I did all the traveling, but he has been coming to me more often of late.

I guess all we can do is hang in there and hope for the best. But I have the same questions in my head that you do and somehow its reassuring to know that I am not alone!

 

Hey there Blast

thanks for writing and sharing....

In many ways we have alot of parallels as we talk with each other every day at some point in time, but usually at night.

It is reassuring not feeling alone in this frustration.

May I ask, what is his response to you when you ask...or are you just in your thought wondering why he doesn't talk with you on your off weekends?

I don't get the idea that it is good to miss each other.... I get it, and have the same feelings about it being so nice when we have been together, but don't understand the miss/separation thing.

 

I would better understand that if we were always together and so time apart attending to our time would be cool.

 

do you talk about some of the frustration? or do you keep it in?

do you ever wonder about feeling resentful? do you get resentful ??

so we are both having an "off" weekend i quess...

[sugarmomma]

Maybe if you stop doing all the "work" in the r you can see where you stand with him. Seems like he is just going with the flow. Why should he take more initiative if he knows that you'll take the lead?

 

I would back up. way up. and just see if he just lets it fizzle out.

[hummingbird]

Maybe if you stop doing all the "work" in the r you can see where you stand with him. Seems like he is just going with the flow. Why should he take more initiative if he knows that you'll take the lead?

 

I would back up. way up. and just see if he just lets it fizzle out.

:)hey sugarmomma

first, I have to let you know I loooovvvveee your quote at the bottom of your post...I for the first time in my life learned that I had the strength to do that almost 2 years ago....

I let go of the one I desired and believed was a great guy...to find out that the best thing i could do was take care of me because he actually turned out to be more than slime on earth.............. what a story that is...

 

but as for this R...I have actually started doing some backing up in baby steps. That is not easy for me to do.... I have always been and still am a high energy woman, who has always given ALOt of energy and effort in my Rs....probably to a fault. But, I have started to back up a little,.

I am less frequently to initiate a call.......... and have backed up on telling him I miss him....just little things I am aware of.

so far, he has called...and has said he missed me.....

I would suspect he wouldnt let it it fizzle but it is apparent to me that I have a lot more energy than him. I honestly sometimes feel that i am in my 40s and my peers around in their 40s must really be in their 60s....

I have not yet met a man who is as high energy and effort-full as myself..

I know of a few but they are in marriages or R.....

...he has already honestly and not in a mean way told me that he knows I love him and is aware of that and so doesn't need to spend as much time with me to be assured of that.....

and for me it is alot more than assurance...its about what a R is....togetherness when possible.

I am also concerned that if time with that ugh friend of his interferes with our time, it will end up causing conflict.

 

A=But we spoke on the tele for an hour this eve and just talked..... he was sweet and I was just ..just... couldn' feel the lovin warmth like I usually do. and certainly as for some frisky....I miss you ( aka hmmmm am so horny for you) -ahhhh.that's starting to shut down as well...... (that is generally a very bad sign for me..... once that switch gets permanently turned off...no getting it back) That is not where I am with him, but I know it will take some true affection to warm those fires up again....

and that semi-shut down hasn't yet happened to me in this R. before.... so, I know I am starting to back up.

 

some of this just sucks.......

[Island Girl]

...he has already honestly and not in a mean way told me that he knows I love him and is aware of that and so doesn't need to spend as much time with me to be assured of that.....

 

This stuck a chord with me.

 

If you love him -- and he knows you do - then if he is returning that love the guy would want to bask in that glory.

 

Maybe it is just me -- but my guy loves to be around me because he feels great with me -- he feels adored and loved and gets to share his love with me.

Currently my husband can't because of geography but he'd spend every moment on the phone if we could afford it. And he HATES talking on the phone.

 

This just doesn't sound right.

 

"I know you love me so if I'm without you it's okay with me" ??

[hummingbird]

This stuck a chord with me.

 

If you love him -- and he knows you do - then if he is returning that love the guy would want to bask in that glory.

 

Maybe it is just me -- but my guy loves to be around me because he feels great with me -- he feels adored and loved and gets to share his love with me.

Currently my husband can't because of geography but he'd spend every moment on the phone if we could afford it. And he HATES talking on the phone.

 

This just doesn't sound right.

 

"I know you love me so if I'm without you it's okay with me" ??

 

HI Island Girl

so sorry your husband doesn't get to bask with you as often as you would both love...........

I appreciate your comments. It is a bit difficult to read because it makes me ask the questions I have occassionally asked myself.

I know I love to be around him because he is very sweet and funny and loves to make me laugh when we are together. At times, he seems to not really withdraw but sort of shut down a bit. and I find myself hungry for his attention and touch... not sure if that is because I am so physical, with him; always touching his hair, giving pecks on his cheek , rubbing his back.

 

I have brought up my sense of lack of attentiveness before and he seems to hear me and seems to care to apoglogize and try to explain it.... he is very busy-self employed. and has some huge baggage with the ex wife and court issues of which he has been struggling with for years ( of which I truly believe his ex is bi-polar and has cause problems)

He also was involved with a woman before me (6 yrz) who cheated on him with her ex-husband (go figure) but also is an alcoholic...

seems he hasnt picked the best of women to be involved with.

 

I wonder if he has become programmed to a certain type of behaviour as a result of being with women who were inattentive and uncaring?

 

But I just don't know what to do at this point...I do love him.... I truly do..

i have sadly asked myself the other day if he values me in the way I do him. He clearly says he loves me often and shows me in many ways but there is something here I can't put my finger on.

I know what he was trying to say to me with that statement was that he doesn't feel concerned if we don't spend a weekend together because he knows I love him, won't cheat on him...knows we will be together again.

He said his way of looking at it is, we will be together again and so not to let it bother him.

maybe just different outlook......

I do appreciate all his goodness and the things he does and says to be a good guy and show love..............

generally when together we have a great time and enjoy each other very much....

 

but an example I had to call him on .... I felt badly that he did not invite me to his daughter's graduation... ( I truly wouldn't have cared to go.... but would have to be respectful) but he didnt even ask..(later he tells me when I told him it hurt me...was because he did not make a big deal out of it as he was not invited to the family party at the ex house)

my point was, in my life, he is a part of my heart and life and would have wanted him with me............

regardless of the situation........... he apologized and said he didn't think it was that impt to me...

 

me thinks I am dealing with a few more issues than just med-long distance...

and beside constantly expressing my feelings both positive and concerns, I don't know what else to do.

 

thanks for insight!

[Tizzy]

The man is not giving you what you need in the relationship. You have told him more than once what's bothering you and he has yet to do anything about it. Sounds to me like he's not nearly as emotionally invested as you are in this R, and he probably won't be anytime soon. Personally, if I were you I'd cut my losses. Life is too short to spend another day of it with someone who is sucking up your time, energy and emotions but giving you none of his in return. And you have to drive2 hrs to see him? Let that man go. He does not sound worth it.