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hope4future

Hi, I'm new here and am looking for some advice.

 

I met my girlfriend of 4 years in College and we hit it off great, had the time of our lives during school. We also went through some tough times, we supported each other through an abortion, and she stood by my side when I was in an accident that resulted in some pretty serious injuries. Needless to say, our relationship seems deeper than most. She is very close with my family, and I am with hers also...we have always just assumed that one day we would be married and live together happily. We went to school together in the states, but her family is from another country. Every winter and summer break she would always return home to be with her family, so we are not new at the long distance thing.

 

A year ago I graduated and moved halfway around the world to pursue my career. She is still in school and plans to continue on to grad school in the states. However, we talked often, and planned out our future pretty thoroughly. I must be honest here, sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me and become fairly jealous and controlling. I don't know if its insecurities or just plain ego/pride, but when we fight, its usually about that subject, as she is the outgoing friendly type. I trust her with all my heart, but sometimes I just can't control what I say to her, and I've said some pretty mean things in the past that I know hurt her. I know this is a terrible trait to have and I have now finally conquered this monster.

 

Anyways, we saw each other about 3 months ago and got into a fight about her going to see a friend on the day I got back, and I said she was inconsiderate for not putting me in her priorities. We almost broke up then, but spent the next 2 months getting wayyy too attached to each other again. When I left to go back to my job everything was great, we once again planned out when we would see each other, and vowed to make this work. All our talks were happy and about how we would see each other soon and gave the relationship hope. We still talked about our future, getting married and having children, all that good stuff. Then 2 weeks ago I found out that she took another guy to a banquet that her sorority was throwing and I got angry. I told her that it was wrong of her to not even tell me about this and I had to find out through online pictures. I said some mean things that I didn't mean at the time, and she was hurt that I couldn't trust her.

 

Now she says our relationship is just going towards a dead end, and that she can't keep hating herself for not being considerate towards me and disappointing me. She said all the stuff you say in a break-up, that she still loves me and still sees a future for us, but that she needs to let me go so I don't cling onto my old life. I was devastated to say the least, as it seems my world just got turned upside down. I know begging and pleading would only make this worse, so I suggested an open relationship for awhile. Basically a little break to let our emotions soften and give myself time to fix my damned problems and insecurities. She agreed and said that we shouldn't talk for the 6 months of our trial break. She also said that she won't be coming for our planned visit together in 3 months as she would just get reattached to me and depend on me too much again. What does that mean? I really don't think this will work if we never see each other right? I know we still both have strong feelings for each other, so am I supposed to just forget her now? What are the chances that this relationship can be salvaged? Even though I act like everything is fine and do things her way, I am feel like I'm being gutted everyday with pain and sorrow. Is there anyway I can convince her to still come and see me? I want to talk to her face to face, but I don't know what to say to her right now to make things better. I apologized to her about the nasty things I said, and told her I would respect her decision and give her time and space. I know trust is something that is 100% or nothing at all, and my lack of trust is the main issue here. I want to let her know that I am ready to change and committ to a relationship based on complete and unquestionable trust, but I don't know how to get her to believe me. I just feel that I need to do something or I'm about to commit the biggest mistake of my life and regret it forever. This girl is like the light at the end of my tunnel, I don't want to lose hope.

 

Thanks for reading, and please feel free to leave any comments or advice, I know it was a long one, sorry.

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Island Girl

I am sorry your relationship has taken this turn.

 

The only thing that has saved my relationship has been an understanding of myself and my partner when it comes to jealousies, etc.

 

Yes, you have to be able to trust the person. But it is very challenging long distance and extra precautions need to be taken or those flames get fanned and can blaze at damaging levels pretty quickly.

 

You had trust issues before all of this yet she didn't tell you about going to a banquet with another guy. That is a date in my book. So she basically had a date with another guy and didn't tell you anything about it.

I don't know a relationship where that would be okay unless it was an open relationship - and even then there is generally some rules such as no going out with someone that has not been mentioned, etc.

 

She betrayed your trust. She betrayed your relationship. All of that was wrong.

 

People don't do this type of thing unless there is already some kind of breakdown in the relationship.

 

She may feel she is missing out on a lot with her sorority events by not having a guy there. I don't know.

 

But she has called it quits.

 

If you leave her alone she may very well find she can't find what you have given her all of this time with anyone else.

 

If you chase after her and give her access to you (it IS tempting) it is tantamount to a death sentence for the relationship. She will get all of those things only you provide and the physical from someone else while you are forced to put up with it.

 

Don't do that to yourself or allow her to do that to you. Take this time to work on yourself and get strong.

put accountability where it needs to be.

You are accountable for how you reacted and the things that you said.

She is accountable for the deception and betrayal of the relationship. You have every right to be angry about that. Perhaps you need to work on how you express your anger but that doesn't mean the anger isn't justified.

And there is no reason or excuse for what she did.

 

 

The only thing you can do is let her realize what she is missing. And that is by not being there.

You aren't the one that she gets to call when she has a really bad day and needs a shoulder to cry on, etc.

 

You are in a really difficult position because of the distance. But she is used to having you available in every capacity.

The problem with the distance is the only communication you have is talking somehow whether that is internet chat or phone, etc.

So the big danger is becoming a "girlfriend" instead of a partner. That is why you can't allow her to access you as a person she gets to lean on.

 

Your anger has been an issue. And you have said things you don't mean.

A lot of us have had the same thing happen. It isn't an excuse but you shouldn't blame all of this on just that. There is more to it I am positive about that.

 

As far as the lack of trust - she now has proven you had every reason not to trust her. You will not be able to be comfortable with her or the relationship unless she is willing to put in the effort required to regain your trust.

 

Even if the two of you got back together right now -- if that isn't addressed -- it is going to rip you apart.

Every moment you'd be plagued with doubts and insecurities. That is no way to live.

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hope4future

Thanks for the uplifting advice Island Girl, and you are right...it IS very tempting to starting pleading and calling her every minute to see if this situation can be salvaged. Right now I want this relationship to work more than anything else in the world, but I don't want to avoid the deep rooted problems either. I will work on making myself a better person and getting rid of my insecurities, and at the same time give her time to think about the decision that she made also. Regarding the date thing, it was with a guy 4 years younger and she said it was last minute decision in order to strengthen relationships with their fraternity. She did answer me directly when I asked her straightout though, so I don't think she meant to hurt me, just felt that it wasn't important enough to tell me. Although that's still being inconsiderate, I feel that her personality is just that way, and perhaps I overreacted.

 

However, easier said than done, do you have any tips on how to control myself from sending a email or drunk dialing one dreary night, cuz I don't have much confidence right now. Also, I find it hard to believe that if shes the one who called it quits and we are long distance, that she'll try to reconcile with me willingly, she has more pride than that. Maybe I have to hint or push the situation along? I know she still loves me and has very deep feelings, but maybe she just doesn't want to deal with the hurt anymore? how long should I give her before I attempt to reconcile? I dunno, its pretty tiring going around in circles thinking about what ifs...

 

Thanks for the pick-me-up...and anyone who has been through this situation knows that life can always be summed up in 3 little words: "it goes on"

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LonelyTiger

Hi hope4future. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time at the moment.

 

I have a slightly different view of your situation to Island Girl, although I agree that trust is the big issue in your relationship.

 

My hubby and I both have friends of both sexes. We have been together for 14yrs and it's always been that way. We both see people as people, male or female, it makes no difference. We've known each other for 36yrs and we trust each other 99.999% (I believe it's unrealistic to say you trust someone 100%!). We don't have an open relationship. We don't have sex with other people.

 

We DO talk about all our friends and we DO tell each other what we're doing.

 

There are no secrets, no 'oh sorry, I forgot to mention that'.

 

We're currently living 3000 miles apart. He recently took a girl to a sports club ball because she didn't have anybody to escort her. I don't see any problem with that. If I was going to a similar event while my hubby was away, I would ask a male friend to escort me. It would never be perceived as a date because my friends know that I'm married and they respect me and my husband. I believe it's the same for him and his friends.

 

My point is that everybody has different ideas about what is, or isn't, acceptable in a relationship but for most people, however you choose to conduct your relationship, LDR or otherwise, trust is an absolute necessity.

 

I can understand your girlfriend going with another guy to the sorority banquet and it may have been completely innocent (which it probably was if there are pictures posted online). What isn't acceptable, is that she didn't tell you.

 

For any relationship to work, communication and trust have to be there.

 

It seems to me that you've both made some mistakes here. She could help you by being more open and thereby enabling you to feel more secure. You could help her by being a little less jealous and controlling. It works both ways.

 

As for the current state of play, it seems there are still feelings on both sides and therefore, I would say there is still hope for the relationship. However, you do have a lot of things to talk about and sort out and currently she wants a break. Therefore you will have to let things be for now.

 

I agree with IG that if she has no contact from you, whatsoever, she may realise what she's giving up and come running back to you, but you can't force it. And even if you do get back together you really do need to address the problems that already exist.

 

She has betrayed your trust and she feels she can't live up to your expectations. Maybe she's right and she never will be able to behave the way you want her to. Maybe she's just young and isn't ready for that kind of committment. If you can forgive the betrayal and you're both prepared to work to change things between you, it may work out fine.

 

The important thing is that you decide what you need in your relationship to make it work so that you will be happy. When you get the chance to talk to her again, you can let her know what your needs are and you will then find out if she is able, or willing, to fulfill them.

 

Good luck with it. I hope it works out for you.

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LonelyTiger

Also, I find it hard to believe that if shes the one who called it quits and we are long distance, that she'll try to reconcile with me willingly, she has more pride than that. "

 

If she loves you, pride won't come in it. Love comes before everything. :love:

 

Re your fear of drunken emails and phone calls, how about getting an email or text pre-prepared for an emergency. By that I mean something short and sweet that just says 'I've made lots of mistakes and I'm sorry - can we start again - I love you'.

 

If you then feel at some point that you just have to make contact you won't send a long, gushy, over sentimental one that may chase her away - but at least you'll be making contact and letting her know how you feel.

 

It is just for an emergency though. She has asked for a break so you'd be far better to stay away from her and let her make contact again when she's ready - which I strongly suspect she will. :)

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hope4future

Wow, this forum is awesome...you guys really know how to make a guy feel better about a break up.

LonelyTiger, I feel you said everything that I was thinking but was afraid to believe, I feel 50% better just reading your advice. Thanks.

I will give her the break that she wants, and when she is ready to talk again, I will tell her the things I want to say. Do you think it is unwise to send her emails every couple of weeks just to see how she's doing? No mushy stuff, just ask about everyday things, and maybe tell her how my life is. She is going through a rough time at school right now and I'm still very worried of her...

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Island Girl
Do you think it is unwise to send her emails every couple of weeks just to see how she's doing? No mushy stuff, just ask about everyday things, and maybe tell her how my life is. She is going through a rough time at school right now and I'm still very worried of her...

 

This is how you'd get into "best friend" status without being the boyfriend again.

 

You have to leave her alone to let her know what she doesn't have anymore - what she is missing.

 

How can you miss something that is still there?

 

Drunk dialing or e-mail -- keep control of your faculties. If there is danger of that then do not get so drunk that you lose that control or do so with friends that know to take your phone away and pre-plan to sleep over so you have no access.

 

As far as your jealousies go - my husband is like you. Very jealous although not controlling (how can he be when he is 5600 miles away).

I understand he is like this (I am too) and we take care not to plant ideas in each others heads. I do not want him to feel any worse than he does with us being separated.

We never have had friends of the opposite sex and we don't hang out with people of the opposite sex either.

There have been occasions where there is a group of people and it is mixed company. On his side they are always cousins. On my side they are my brother's friends.

 

In our case we just "don't poke the bear".

 

I am glad you are feeling better about all of this.

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LonelyTiger

If she doesn't want to talk and you've agreed to give her time and space then I wouldn't send her any emails.

 

I understand your need to give her support while she's having a rough time at school. You love her, so naturally you want to be there for her......but, as far as she's concerned you are not together at the moment because your relationship is going towards a dead end. If you start sending her emails every couple of weeks you're going to take on a new role in her life - that of a supportive friend. Is that what you want?

 

No communication at all would be far better. She won't miss you so much if you're still there for her, and if she doesn't miss you..........?

 

As I said before, if you really have to contact her, I would just do it once. Keep it short and sweet, say you're sorry, you don't want the break that you suggested and would she consider giving it one more go? Just be prepared for an answer you may not like at this point.

 

Keep in mind though, even if the banquet 'date' was completely innocent, she still kept it from you so she has betrayed your trust. Are you sure, given that you already feel jealous and insecure, that she is the right person for you? You may be willing to change, but is she?

 

It's a hard pill to swallow but sometimes love really isn't enough.

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LonelyTiger
This is how you'd get into "best friend" status without being the boyfriend again.

 

You have to leave her alone to let her know what she doesn't have anymore - what she is missing.

 

How can you miss something that is still there?

 

Drunk dialing or e-mail -- keep control of your faculties. If there is danger of that then do not get so drunk that you lose that control or do so with friends that know to take your phone away and pre-plan to sleep over so you have no access.

 

As far as your jealousies go - my husband is like you. Very jealous although not controlling (how can he be when he is 5600 miles away).

I understand he is like this (I am too) and we take care not to plant ideas in each others heads. I do not want him to feel any worse than he does with us being separated.

We never have had friends of the opposite sex and we don't hang out with people of the opposite sex either.

There have been occasions where there is a group of people and it is mixed company. On his side they are always cousins. On my side they are my brother's friends.

 

In our case we just "don't poke the bear".

 

I am glad you are feeling better about all of this.

 

Talk about chalk and cheese, Island Girl. Just shows how different people and their relationships can be! :)

 

I totally agree with your advice here though. No contact is more likely to achieve the desired result.

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hope4future

It's been almost 2 weeks since the break up...the day after I pretended to be ok with it, and we had a short chat which ended up in a little fight and her deciding that we should take a break and have no contact for 6 months...of course I had no idea what to do and when it sunk in, I got detonated...the next day I sent an email asking her to forgive me and that I would change my jealous behavior, and to give me one more chance...of course the answer was that she would not back down this time, but she expressed that she still really loved me, that I should thank her for letting me go, and wanted me to be strong for these 6 months (whatever that means)...next I sent an email saying I understand and accept her decision, and will give her the space and time she needs...I heard from my sister who goes to the same school that she was taking this pretty rough also, so I sent one final email apologizing for the nasty things I said to her regarding the banquet thing, no mention of wanting to get back together though...that was 3 days ago, so its been kinda a rough 2 weeks.

 

You guys are right about the no contact thing...I just have it stuck in my head that I MUST tell her everything on my chest or I'll explode...its like a battle within myself every morning when I start thinking about it and I just want to tell her everything I'm thinking and more...do you guys think I chased her away enough that she would never think about contacting me again, or is there still a chance? also, how long will this feeling of wanting to pour my heart out last? b/c I don't want to go insane here...

 

Thanks for the advice guys, when I read your comments it makes me feel more at ease about the situation.

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hoping2heal
It's been almost 2 weeks since the break up...the day after I pretended to be ok with it, and we had a short chat which ended up in a little fight and her deciding that we should take a break and have no contact for 6 months...of course I had no idea what to do and when it sunk in, I got detonated...the next day I sent an email asking her to forgive me and that I would change my jealous behavior, and to give me one more chance...of course the answer was that she would not back down this time, but she expressed that she still really loved me, that I should thank her for letting me go, and wanted me to be strong for these 6 months (whatever that means)...next I sent an email saying I understand and accept her decision, and will give her the space and time she needs...I heard from my sister who goes to the same school that she was taking this pretty rough also, so I sent one final email apologizing for the nasty things I said to her regarding the banquet thing, no mention of wanting to get back together though...that was 3 days ago, so its been kinda a rough 2 weeks.

 

You guys are right about the no contact thing...I just have it stuck in my head that I MUST tell her everything on my chest or I'll explode...its like a battle within myself every morning when I start thinking about it and I just want to tell her everything I'm thinking and more...do you guys think I chased her away enough that she would never think about contacting me again, or is there still a chance? also, how long will this feeling of wanting to pour my heart out last? b/c I don't want to go insane here...

 

Thanks for the advice guys, when I read your comments it makes me feel more at ease about the situation.

 

 

Ok, here's the deal. Everyone is different of course, but if someone asked me to wait 6 months for them, you know what my response would be? If I was in love with them it would be "OK SURE!". And you know what? I'd be dead spanking wrong. Why? Because people hurt eachother in love, that's expected. For one we're all only human, but telling someone to stay out of their life for 6 months is a whole different level of ouch, and I just don't think someone who trully loves you (and isn't just satiating their own agenda) would put you through that.

 

 

As someone who has done it all wrong, been raised with all the wrong examples and ideals and has begun the process of "starting over" damn near from scratch with my morals/principles/values/approaches because everything I've known and used has been dysfunctional; I realise now that anyone who would do that to me doesn't deserve me. Yeah, so maybe we need to sit down and work things out, maybe we have to do some things different (duh!) but the person who really loved me OWES it to me to do that because if it came down to waiting for them I WOULD; because I love them and I deserve the same thing right back.

 

So, the decision is yours please think it through very thoroughly (obviously you have the ultimate awareness of what your relationship/gf is like and wether or not it's worth it) just think it through and think wether you believe someone who loves you would do this or not; if your answer is yes then ok stick it out, if it's no then you have some thinking to do.

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Can I make a suggestion? Rather than sitting there thinking about her and if you should contact or not contact, etc... How about using this time to really step back and focus on YOU.

 

It seems to me that you two set each other off, even though you don't mean to. Something triggers reactions out of you, and the negative feelings seem to escalate. Ask yourself why that is. Get yourself a cheap notebook and do some writing, even if it seems dumb or may not make any sense... think about a time you two argued and write about what happened. Was it a word or phrase that made you stop short? Was it a look on her face? Was it a gesture? Then write down what you think it was about that trigger that bothered you?

 

I got really good at dream interpretations. I don't recall my dreams very often, but when I do they tend to be extremely vivid. For instance, early on in my LDR I had a dream where I was with him in a hotel setting, and other people were there. It was flooding with water, it was a very dangerous situation, and I was very concerned but I wasn't panicked. Some other people were panicking, but he and I talked calming and worked to get to a safe place. When I thought back on the dream I took each part and asked myself what it meant to me... So the flood, I asked myself "What is flooding? Well, he was directly affected by Hurricane Katrina. I don't like water all that much... OH! My EMOTIONS are flooding right now!" The other people - the people in my life that are being affected by my new emotions, like my ex and my daughter. Being concerned but not panicked - knowing that this is very new territory for me but that it will be ok.

 

Why not try doing something similar with those triggers? Say you realize when she says "he's just a friend" that you automatically get angry... what does "he's just a friend" mean to you? Is that something another girlfriend used even though she was plainly flirting? Is it something your mom said when introducing you to someone who she was clearly dating? (I don't know your situation obviously, I am just trying to give you an example).

 

I think this is a good opportunity for you to discover a lot about yourself, understand your reactions, and be a better partner - whether you end up being with her or someone else.

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hope4future

Thanks for all the input guys...I really appreciate it.

I'm gonna do things by the book and cut off contact (well for as long as I can anyways, I'm still human after all, but perhaps after awhile I won't think about it as much?). As for working on myself, its kinda hard to just pretend nothing happened and go out with friends and have fun. Any tips on how I can move on more quickly with my life? Everything I do just kinda reminds me of her, every couple I see just pisses me off, I just feel nothing I do has meaning anymore...this is normal right? I used to tell people "its better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all", yea...that was all a bunch of **** now that I've tried it myself. Should I go out and have a rebound? or maybe a 1-nighter? I dunno, anything to ease the pain, I just feel like crap...its even affecting my job.

 

They say the best medicine for a broken heart is time...but will it ever heal all the way? at the moment I just feel that I'll never be able to laugh again.

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hoping2heal

The best advice I can give you for moving on is to hurt.

 

Yeah, that's right. Hurt. You've just suffered a traumatic loss, and when you love someone and they reject you; I don't care what anyone says- it IS traumatic.

 

People suggest getting out with friends, excersizing, etc. because it's a good way to help you re connect with the world and begin re establishing yourself socially. Those are all good things, but the best thing a person can do to move on in my experience is to hurt, cry, write, feel the pain. Embracing your negative and painful emotions instead of trying to overlook them, supress them etc. will help you to heal the wound and let GO of the break up.

 

Break up's hurt, they hurt like hell, they hurt like no other, they are awful. You're going to hurt, you're going to feel like you have no purpose in this world, you're going to be convinced that you will never feel happiness again unless this person is in your life. Somedays you will feel like everyone is moving forward but you, you'll feel stagnant and insignifigant. The loss of love hurts very badly, but one day after all this crying and pain you're experiencing over a person this thought is going to hit you : "wait, did I really lose my true love? Didn't this person hurt me and not look out for my best interest? Wait, don't I WANT someone who wants me also?" Then maybe you'll feel angry, cheated for awhile. Like, why did this person treat you badly? Why DIDN'T they want you around? That's normal too.

 

But slowly (yes unfortunately healing isn't a quick process) you're going to come to terms with what has happened to you, and you're going to realise that a person who is your world, while you're hardly a blip in the radar to them is not the great love of your life afterall, and the great love of your life is still out there waiting to be discovered.

 

Eventually, you'll look back on your relationship and see what gems can be harvested. What did you learn about yourself? about people? What do you know now to do and not do in the future? You'll see that your relationship was an important time in your life, and taught you wonderful things, but it wasn't the love of your life and there's still hope for you yet.

 

Believe it or not, when you do meet that person, you're going to fall totally in love and feel like it's the first time (I speak from experience). You won't forget you were ever with people but it will seem like a lifetime away, you'll feel like your heart has never loved another, has never been broken and abandoned. You'll be completely and totally immersed in a new love :love: .

 

 

 

 

Thanks for all the input guys...I really appreciate it.

I'm gonna do things by the book and cut off contact (well for as long as I can anyways, I'm still human after all, but perhaps after awhile I won't think about it as much?). As for working on myself, its kinda hard to just pretend nothing happened and go out with friends and have fun. Any tips on how I can move on more quickly with my life? Everything I do just kinda reminds me of her, every couple I see just pisses me off, I just feel nothing I do has meaning anymore...this is normal right? I used to tell people "its better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all", yea...that was all a bunch of **** now that I've tried it myself. Should I go out and have a rebound? or maybe a 1-nighter? I dunno, anything to ease the pain, I just feel like crap...its even affecting my job.

 

They say the best medicine for a broken heart is time...but will it ever heal all the way? at the moment I just feel that I'll never be able to laugh again.

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