broken promises

[unlucky_in_love]

I met a man online a few months ago. It started out as a friendship but before we knew it we were in love. He lives over 5,000 miles away on the other side of the world. We spend a lot of time talking on the phone to each other currently. I call most of the time because he cannot dial out of his house to the USA and has to go to a pay phone to call me. I've read online that his country has a lot of problems with the phones and dialing so his story checks out. The problem is he doesn't call when he says he is going to and always has some sort of excuse next time I speak with him. Most of his excuses are reasonable given our large time differences but the problem is he always has one. I talked to him about this and told him not to say he is going to call if he's not sure he can, and to just call when he has the chance. He agreed to this and currently he calls once a week. However he still has continued telling me he is going to call the next day and not doing it. I'm really confused right now because he always tells me he loves me, he looks forward to my calls, and just 2 days ago he told me he has to meet me soon because he feels I am his soul mate and can't stand not being near to me. Could he really feel the way he says if he's not keeping his promises to me? Should I try talking to him about this problem again or should I just let it go?

[Tony T]

You're in love with this guy and you've never met him??????

 

The guy always tells you he's going to call at a certain time, doesn't, you know his country has phone problems, there are also time considerations...and you still get angry???

 

Go take a cold shower and come back to read the rest of this post.

 

I'll wait...............................

.........................................

.........................................

 

Whatever you feel for this guy you have created in your head out of some kind of need. Yes, everybody needs love but only those who have some sort of intimacy or fear problems fall for telephone voices of people who live 5,000 miles away.

 

Get these issues cleared up for yourself through counselling, reading, talking to clergy, or whatever means are available to you and then pursue real life relationships with men you can look into the eyes off, touch, etc., who live right there in your area.

 

If you do continue this bizarre relationship, give up on upsetting yourself about his calls. One day he will wise up, see the futility in all this, and not call you again. Right now he's mostly calling you because you pay for the calls and he feels guilty about your feelings for him. And when he totally stops calling, you will have no way of connecting with him to say goodbye or resolve your "feelings."

 

You are in a tough spot right now...and you are being used and taken advantage of. Get away from this now and get ahold of your feelings. I can't believe you would actually do something this cruel to yourself and your pocketbook.

 

I'll call you tomorrow afternoon to see how you're doing if I can find a phone booth.

[midori]

Tony has said it all. This is not a real relationship in any meaningful way. You feel good when you talk to him, he feels good too, I'm sure. But your interactions are nothing more than little whiffs of niceness that have no bearing in your real life. You might just as well get your thrills from celebrity sightings, or a daily dose of a soap opera -- because your relationship with a guy you've never met, who lives half-way around the world, is just as insubstantial and unrealistic. The soap opera would be more reliable, actually.

 

If you're hungry, you want to eat a meal, right? The faint odor of food being cooked somewhere else, food that you're never going to eat, will not suffice. In fact it might just make you more hungry. You'd have to be an idiot to just go on smelling the tantalizing far-off food, while not actually getting real food for yourself. If you want a satisfying relationship, the same rule applies. This man and his phone calls are nothing but a mirage.

[Ally Boo]

They are right....I like that food analogy.

 

You are just hurting yourself. Besides, I know of a lady who was saying these same things you are....turns out he was married. And she found this out when she was about 3 hours into the 10 hour trip to see him....she called him...and his WIFE answered the phone.

 

.....yeah

[HokeyReligions]

Stop being played - he's lying to you and you need to open your eyes and grow up and see it.

 

Why are you wasting good heart-time on this creep? Does it really make you feel good knowing some loser someplace is jerking-off to your phone calls and emails? He may have a wife (or girlfriend, or boyfriend) who would be devastated by his actions. He may be 12 years old, or he may be a toothless, dirty, pedophile on parole somewhere -- no matter what he tells you or what pictures he may send. ICK! Chatting with people and exchanging stories, ideas, advice, etc. is great - but to claim an emotional attachment like LOVE! NO WAY!

[Mrs Romantic]

Wow you guys are all so harsh. I can't believe my eyes.

 

unlucky_in_love I'll answer your question. I think he could love you even if he has not shown it by calling when he says he will. I know, my husband was the same way lol. I meet him on a chat board, and we took our conversations to the emails, and within 3 months we both felt incomplete without each other. That is when I hopped a plane to meet him. We have been married for 2 years now, and I have never been happier.

[midori]

... and this woman already has doubts. The situation is already unsatisfying for her -- he doesn't call when he says he will and she's wrapped up in it enough that she's really counting on his calls, and has thus been consistently disappointed. I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but that doesn't mean such things usually end well. Would you advise someone who really needs money to invest in lottery tickets, because someone has to win, and hey, you never know?

 

Sure, anything can happen. But it seems to me like her gut instinct is that something isn't right -- isn't that why she posted? Ignoring her instinct just because something might (a very small might) work out is probably pretty foolish. After all, it's hard enough to maintain a long-distance relationship with someone you actually do know!

[unlucky_in_love]

From what I understand the best relationships are based on communication and sharing your inner-most feelings with someone. That is entirely what our relationship is based on so I don't think it makes me a messed up person for falling in love with someone who has a lot in common with me and who understands me better then anyone else I've ever known. It seems to me most of you didn't even read the entire post, and didn't answer my questions. You guys all stopped at the word online in the first sentence and assumed the worst. Isn't it possible that 2 people who meet online could both be honest with each other? Everything he has ever told me is very consistent and I've done a background check on him to make sure he was who he said he was and he seems to be telling me the truth about everything...I'm not completely stupid. Maybe you guys are right when you say the relationship is unrealistic...but its been done before. My own Grandfather and Uncle both moved to other countries and married women they met online, and both relationships are very good after years of marriage. Neither the guy I am in love with or I were looking for love online, we were just discussing issues we felt similarly about and eventually we realized we were what each other was looking for our entire lives. Before I fell in love with him maybe I would have thought someone was crazy if they told me they fell in love online and I never would have guessed it would happen to me. Until you guys have been there you shouldn't ridicule me about things you don't know or understand. All I wanted was an answer to my questions and most didn't give me one, and all I got is a lot of criticism, some which was very rude and uncalled for, about things I wasn't even asking about. Miss Romantic thank you for the inspiring post. I am really happy that you're the only one not bashing me. Also midori maybe there is some truth to your last post because him not keeping his promises (which our word is all we have in this relationship) makes me feel like his feelings aren't as strong as he says. I think I won't call him for the next few days and see if he makes any effort to contact me and go from there. If I miss one day of calling him he usually complains to me and asks where I was. If he really is upset when I don't call I think he will find a way to contact me during the next few days.

[Tony T]

I read every single word in your post...several times...and gave you the best answer I possibly could. You are setting yourself up for major hurt.

 

If you already knew the answer you wanted to get, you should have put it up in your post so I could have cut and pasted it into the reply field.

 

OK, if you want me to get specific, here goes:

 

YOU ASK:

 

1: "Could he really feel the way he says if he's not keeping his promises to me?"

 

How do you know how he feels? You only know what he tells you on the telephone. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. He calls you collect and talks for a while on an unpredictable basis. Some men pay $3.95 per minute to talk to a lady when they're lonely. He gets to do it and makes you pay for it. What a deal!

 

He has no basis for feeling any particular way about you except what he has built up in his imagination. He can only know for sure how he feels once he's met you and spent a few months minimum dating you in person.

 

I'd say somebody who doesn't keep promises on a repeated basis is trying to send a message. But this also says a lot about your ability to understand. You said you were aware of the phone problems in his country, yet you don't seem to believe his excuses for not being able to call. So what gives?

 

This is a question you must answer.

 

2. "Should I try talking to him about this problem again or should I just let it go?"

 

If it's bothering you so much, hell yes you should talk to him again but there's no way you'll get a different answer or explanation. But one day, as I have stated, he will call no more. He will meet someone in his own area. Right now, you are an unattainable fantasy to him. He either likes fantasies like you do or he has lots of intimacy problems and this very long distance talkfest is serving a good purpose in his life...to keep him away from a real-life, in-person relationships.

 

This will always be a very empty situation for you. Not meeting his friends, not meeting his family, not holding his hand, not feeling his kiss, etc.,....this would trouble most people.

 

Sorry these still aren't the answers you want. Write down what you want to hear and I will accomodate you.

 

I also want to say that my posts are not meant to bash you in any way. They are a form of very caring communication. Often, posts have to be blunt and to the point for the receiver to understand fully. If you are offended, all I ask is that you print it out and read it in six months or a year and see just how valid the information was.

 

My ONLY objective here is to help you. People who are in the middle of situations often cannot see what's really going on. I know that for a fact because I've been there MANY times and I wish I had had someone to tell me like it is.

[unlucky_in_love]

You might be right Tony, it may all be a fantasy on both our parts. I've thought about that many times because both of us recently came out of long term relationships that ended just before we met and maybe the "love" feelings we have for each other are just both of us trying to fill the void of our lost relationships. By the way, he doesn't call me collect, he pays for his own calls. Today I decided not to call him and an hour past our usual time he called me wandering where I was so I believe he really does like talking with me. We do have plans to meet because we need to find out whether this relationship is based really on people who have something in common, or people who are having a fantasy. I don't have an answer I wanted to hear, I just wanted straight advice without all of the insults, and you have to admit your first post was really sarcastic and mean. Thank you for your last post Tony. I agree that this relationship will probably lead to hurt but its hard to convince myself to do what I know needs to be done.

[Tony T]

My first post was neither meant to be sarcastic or mean. It was meant to communicate. I do not know you and will never meet you. I have no reason to be sarcastic and mean to you. If you came to my front door right now, I would not know you.

 

I pray that this "relationship" works out for you. I wish this site wasn't necessary. I wish everybody got the love they want and need when they want it and need it.

 

The chances of your situation working out in the longrun are very slim. But I am totally helpless to do anything about it. Only you can.

 

Long distance relationships are empty and unfulfilling except for what we build up in our heads. You can make just about anything last if you pump it up in your mind. Fantasies are nice but you need to look into yourself to find out why you would prefer to use your precious little time on this planet to pursue something like this.

 

Best of luck to you!!! It's your life and you have to live it as you wish and learn accordingly.

[Ally Boo]

No one is saying that you can't meet someone and have a satisfying relationship online!! STOP putting words in our mouths.

 

What I am saying is....you honestly don't know. There is a guy in California that I "fell in love with." I even sent him my high school ring, bc I was SO sure he was the one....and it was my token to him as a promise that I would have to see him to get it back.

 

Well, he started getting distant...stopped calling....changed names online....then one day when I saw him on, I asked him that if he didn't want to talk anymore, would he just go ahead and mail me my things. And he said "What things are you talking about?!"

 

He was the LAST person in the world that I thought would be anything but honest. He was always so consistant with his attitude and the way he was...even to this day, it baffles me. The point is, you really don't know.

 

I know what it's like to live in a online relationship dream world...I've done it at least twice. And both times ended up being the same way. I was serious...but no matter what THEY said, they apparently weren't. And it ALWAYS showed up...with them getting distant.

 

I just hope to God you haven't given him any money. Or anything valuable. For all I know, he's pawned my ring, or melted down the gold....and that never even crossed my mind when I was sending it to him...bc he could "NEVER do that to me...bc he says he loves me so much"