gracielou Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Im sorry its a lil long... My boyfriend and I have been dating for slightly under 1.5 years when we started our long distance relationship early july after the decision was made in April. I'll back up a little bit. I met my boyfriend randomly at our schools football game. We started dating a few weeks after that and became official after winter break. He is a year younger than I am (well technically 364 days younger, his bday is the day b4 mine). This surprising age difference wasn't a huge difference or a big deal until my senior year of college. I became faced with a huge decision...I had applied to grad schools for chemistry in california as well as positions to be a research tech for a year or 2 in the boston area. I had gotten into the PhD program in southern california, and i had been offered a position in Boston. I was willing to put off my continuing education to stay and wait for him but he told me to go and pursue my dream. To move across the country and start grad school, which I did and it put me 3000 miles away from my other half. I love him dearly for "letting me go". Before I left, he bought me a promise ring (since hes still in college n wasnt/isn't ready to propose yet) and we also have a set talk time every night. We have set a end time at the end of august we set an end month of july 2010 (he got a great job offer in Boston at the end of his internship, i couldn't ask him to pass it up) and have also started talking about he is going to do out here be it work or grad school. Things were rocky with the transition but are starting to settle down a bit. However my grad program is built to basically swamp the first year students. I'm taking 3 classes and TAing Labs 8 hours a week, so on top of my homework, i had (the quarter ended) 36 lab reports to grade every week. I constantly felt like i was way behind all the time..too much work not enough time type of deal. This was 10wks of pure stress. I found it difficult to balance the stress and demands of grad school with the all that comes along with a LDR. I knew going into the program it was going to be tough, i had been working closely with chemistry grad students for the past 2 years doing research them, so i was familiar with what life was like. I knew what i was getting into and had forewarned my boyfriend that there would be a good chance that i would take it out on him. At the end of a long day or dealing with grade grubbing students it definitely happened. I tried not to but sometimes it was the small things that just put me over the edge. I know when I'm finally working full time on my research the stress will subside and more manageable. I only have one more quarter of that crazy schedule, but i was wondering if anyone has any tips, suggestions, ideas about how to better balance the two? Or if there is anyone out there that is in a similar situation what has worked for them. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndWife Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Well, good news and bad news. Since you have very limited time and energy outside of your school work, good news - you won't be focusing or dwelling too much on the physical absence of your SO as most people do here - and bad news - as you've already perceived and experienced that you lost a bit of connection with your SO. Nothing to offer to you, but all I can say is to relax a bit. Deal with things as they come along. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 Im sorry its a lil long... My boyfriend and I have been dating for slightly under 1.5 years when we started our long distance relationship early july after the decision was made in April. I'll back up a little bit. I met my boyfriend randomly at our schools football game. We started dating a few weeks after that and became official after winter break. He is a year younger than I am (well technically 364 days younger, his bday is the day b4 mine). This surprising age difference wasn't a huge difference or a big deal until my senior year of college. I became faced with a huge decision...I had applied to grad schools for chemistry in california as well as positions to be a research tech for a year or 2 in the boston area. I had gotten into the PhD program in southern california, and i had been offered a position in Boston. I was willing to put off my continuing education to stay and wait for him but he told me to go and pursue my dream. To move across the country and start grad school, which I did and it put me 3000 miles away from my other half. I love him dearly for "letting me go". Before I left, he bought me a promise ring (since hes still in college n wasnt/isn't ready to propose yet) and we also have a set talk time every night. We have set a end time at the end of august we set an end month of july 2010 (he got a great job offer in Boston at the end of his internship, i couldn't ask him to pass it up) and have also started talking about he is going to do out here be it work or grad school. Things were rocky with the transition but are starting to settle down a bit. However my grad program is built to basically swamp the first year students. I'm taking 3 classes and TAing Labs 8 hours a week, so on top of my homework, i had (the quarter ended) 36 lab reports to grade every week. I constantly felt like i was way behind all the time..too much work not enough time type of deal. This was 10wks of pure stress. I found it difficult to balance the stress and demands of grad school with the all that comes along with a LDR. I knew going into the program it was going to be tough, i had been working closely with chemistry grad students for the past 2 years doing research them, so i was familiar with what life was like. I knew what i was getting into and had forewarned my boyfriend that there would be a good chance that i would take it out on him. At the end of a long day or dealing with grade grubbing students it definitely happened. I tried not to but sometimes it was the small things that just put me over the edge. I know when I'm finally working full time on my research the stress will subside and more manageable. I only have one more quarter of that crazy schedule, but i was wondering if anyone has any tips, suggestions, ideas about how to better balance the two? Or if there is anyone out there that is in a similar situation what has worked for them. I've been in a very similar situation for the past year. I've been doing grad school while my girlfriend lives across the country. Our situation's different in that we met here last winter while she was out here just for a month. With the exception of 2 months, it's been long distance almost the entire time. I think you're just dealing with the highs and lows of an LDR and not having any face time. Try to ride the storm, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
MiniMina Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 I also think it sounds like the normal ups and downs of an LDR... It might help you to know that I was in an LDR all through grad school and after graduating and finding a job my boyfriend just moved in with me a few months ago. It's tough, and school is a constant stress... but there is a light at the end of the tunnel! I used to take my stress out on him too, I would suggest finding a way to vent before you talk to him. He'll also just have to be a little understanding because even if you do vent you're bound to still take some of it out on him. Sometimes emailing and texting can help because you don't have to respond immediately, you can wait until you are calm or have a few free moments. Link to post Share on other sites
sssqueegee Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 I was in a very similar situation. I thought things were going as well as they possibly could for long distance until I got the phone call that she had suddenly met someone that she liked better than me and boom, it was over. All I can tell you is that you must be the best communicators with each other you can possibly be. If one of you is having doubts - you have to talk about it. You have to talk about everything. If one of you starts to feel like the lonliness is too much to keep doing LD, you have to talk about it. You have to be more honest than you've ever been in your life or you risk being completely blindsided. Link to post Share on other sites
sssqueegee Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to come out as doom-and-gloom as it sounded. All I'm trying to get across is that you both have to realize how much WORK long distance is and make sure you're both still 100% on board periodically. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 I was in a very similar situation. I thought things were going as well as they possibly could for long distance until I got the phone call that she had suddenly met someone that she liked better than me and boom, it was over. All I can tell you is that you must be the best communicators with each other you can possibly be. If one of you is having doubts - you have to talk about it. You have to talk about everything. If one of you starts to feel like the lonliness is too much to keep doing LD, you have to talk about it. You have to be more honest than you've ever been in your life or you risk being completely blindsided. It's probably not that she liked the new guy better than you, it's just that he was available and you weren't. She got to know him more while she was getting to know you less. That's what happens in a lot of LDRs. It takes a special relationship for an LDR to survive a long time, and even special relationships become less special if one or both feel like they're always alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 (well technically 364 days younger, his bday is the day b4 mine). Better work a bit harder on your math. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gracielou Posted December 19, 2008 Author Share Posted December 19, 2008 hence grad school for chem and not math... Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 hence grad school for chem and not math... You must be into synthesis. Anyway, don't worry about it - close enough is good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
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