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My girlfriend is talking to gay friend now is there anything to worry?


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My girlfriend and I have been dating for more than two years now. We both love each other very much and even had a baby for three months and aborted it because we are not married yet and we are still going to school to get a our degree's. My girlfriend likes making friends and she is a good listener. Whenever she talks to male friends I get jealous and I keep thinking about it whenever im not with her that oh she must be talking with him or she must be with him. She started liking this guy who she thinks he is cute and spending time with him at school while im in class or talking and texting to him all the time. We had argued about it and she said its nothing but just friends but I always doubted her and checked her phone that she made any calls to him or texted him and after a while she completely stopped talking or texting him. Then at work she was talking to this black dude and giving rides to him to home after work in the night and again we had a fight over this issue and she stopped talking to him also. We did not have a child yet. Then after six months I thought everything is fine and we had a baby and had to abort it since we were not married. Until I recently found out that she is talking this gay security guy who works with her at work. She calls him, texts him and they both bring coffees to each other and hang out. He gave her a pen as a gift. And she go to see him on her off days when im at work and talk to him after saying good night to me at night. While I was checking her phone and want to organize her contacts and I found out this guy number and asked her who’s number is this and she lied to me saying it’s a girl number and she snatched the phone away from me and locked it. I called that number from my phone and I found out that was a guy. I caught her couple of times when she was with me and texting to him. And I caught her red handed talking to him in the parking lot while she said to me she is still working late night at 12pm and she gave me a story of some trouble and that’s why this security guy was here. And she was erasing the messages from him somehow I managed to checked the messages and I saw these messages (I like hanging with you, Are you sleeping I think you need coffee, I will came to visit you today, It does I feel so smart! Good morning, Wow you can spell my name im shocked, Im using your pen, I c you, Good night sleep tight) when I saw these messages these are so disturbing to me and we fought and she told me that she was hiding from me because I get mad if she talks to any guy friends even if he is straight or guy. And she said he is a gay and they are just friends and nothing much going on between them. And said that she love me more than anything else and for god sake I had a baby with you and im committed to you. After we fight over she calls me and talks to me very sweet and leaves me messages like this (Baby I love you more than anything, You are the apple of my eye you are my present and future, Baby now im thinking about our baby he would have been 4 months, I miss him, I miss you baby) when she writes messages like these I feel that is true and she loves to me death, but I still have doubt whenever she tells me something where I feel she is lying to me. Is there anything I should worry about? What is happening im I just insecure or jealous. She even told me once that im very insecure person. Im really confused. What should I do so that I can trust her completely? Or am I created this problem myself doubting her all the time when she was talking to guy friends. I don’t know I can’t sleep properly and im thinking about it all the time. What can I do to improve our relationship and my doubts and insecurity? I have totally committed to her and want to get married to her and love her to death. Please help.

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try to put it in paragraphs man, its a long read.

 

And to me you sound a little insecure and controlling. I mean it is allright for her to have guy friends, and seeing how you seem to freak out when she talks to guys, its no wonder she hides it from you. Although the locking of the phone and deleting the messages does seem a wee bit overboard. But be a little more trusting or you are going to make your fears a reality.

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Thanks that was real helpfull, now i know I'm insecure person, I want to get rid of this insecurity what can i do, should i see a therpaist. I really want to stop thinking about it.

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I dunno not a psych but i would say try to make friends of the opposite sex. That way you could see for yourself that there really isn't anything wrong with it and that you can be close to the opposite sex without being close.

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You need to figure out why you're insecure, thereby taking away the power of your insecure thoughts - stop them each time you start to think them.

 

Don't you think you're good enough to be with your girlfriend? Do you think you're 'good enough' to be with anyone? Why not?

 

Maybe a therapist can help you figure out how to deal with it, maybe with behavioral therapy. But I'm sure you have some idea of why you think your gf is about to run off with any and every male friend she has.

 

AT the same time, some of your concerns might be legitimate. If she has a very close friendship with a new guy she's just met, that can be a sign of a friendship that's more than friendship - there could be an attraction. The key is, if she has a friend and she is willing to introduce you and hang out with you together and include you in the friendship, then she's not hiding anything, so there's likely nothing to hide. But if she refuses to introduce you, then yeah, there may be something to be concerned about.

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You obviously have insecurity issues that you need to deal with, perhaps a therapist can help you but you will need to do more than talk about it, do things that make you feel better about yourself, we reap what we sew.

 

As for your partner, although there shouldn't be any problem with her having friends of the opposite sex, she should be taking your feelings into consideration. You have every right to be jealous, angry and hurt by her lack of concern.

 

She tells you how special you are to her and how committed she is yet she sets innapropriate bounderies for her friendships. I gather from your original post that it is one friend at a time who she dedicates hersef to and not multiple friends?

 

Everyone has insecurities to some degree and she is ignoring yours, she should not be hiding anything from you, she should not be waiting until you're asleep and then chatting to him. I don't think any truly dedicated person would be delivering coffee to another man at their work, especially on their days off. Telling you he's gay... kind of last minute don't you think?

 

She must set her priorities straight. I don't mean to worry you but her behaviour would be a red flag for me; It is innapropriate, she doesn't appear to be very committed, she seems to be immature, she isn't considerate, I can only see hard times ahead.

 

You know better than I but it looks like she isn't ready for you. She needs to grow up and there needs to be bounderies. I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice in the way of how to fix your situation. Discussing your options on Loveshack.org will certainly help you find answers so keep posting :)

 

Good luck

 

Smoke.

 

 

Edit - There is nothing you can do to trust her completely. She has put you in that boat herself. It is her job to show you that you can trust her.

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From what I have observed Gays as a rule tend to make friends of the opposite sex more easily. Why? Because a same sex hetero sexual will feel uncomfortable around them.

I feel that you are not insecure(I'm sure to get slammed for saying this)

It's normal to feel that when you're apart that you get these ideas in your head. She should be able to have "friends" of both sex.

Tell her how you feel. She will think it sweet if she knows how dependent you are of her love and desire. Perhaps if you don't feel uncomfortable, you can ask to meet this "friend"

Get to know the guy and learn to keep an open mind.

Remember he's her friend. Don't try to get in between. Just show your acceptance.

And even though she is seeing him only as a friend... let her know that even if this were a female friend, the constant texting is going over and beyond a "normal" friendship.

This would be acceptable between high school kids but not 2 adults.

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I was the same way on my boyfriend D: I used to get extremely jealous when he talked to his friend who was a girl. towards the end of our relationship, I just eased off. I knew i was not confident in myself + that was why i was being all anal about him talking to this chick, but after awhile, i just eased into easing off about the worrying. give it a try, just ignore it for alittle, and little by little you'll not even blink twice about it. :) good luck

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everythingtonothing

okay, i hate to hijack this thread but this is almost exactly the same to my situation. here we go.

 

i have been with my girlfriend for 4 years or so with a year break up in between. she was 16 when we got together and i was 17 i believe. i am now 24 and she is 21. at first when we were together it was great. she was obsessed with marriage and i figured it was stupid because she was so young. she spent basically all her free time with me. i grew very crowded and started to treat her badly because she wanted to be so close. so to speed things up...i ended up becoming distant from her and when i turned 21 i started seeing other girls and partying in which i broke up with her.

 

we saw each other maybe 3 days or less a week even though we were broken up and we still had sexual relations. over the year i was not very fair to her as i kept her almost as a backup. a year went buy and i realized she was everything i needed in a significant other. i went back to her. she accepted me with open arms.

 

during our year break i encouraged her to go date and what not in which she met a guy in one of her classes. she told me how she thought he was hot and stuff but was very annoyed of him at first. from her meeting him to us getting back together was about 3 months or so.

 

she kept him around. insisted that they have a "craft night" with this guy and her girlfriends till like 3 in the morning. i expressed my displease and she seemed to not care. at one point i said it was me or him and she said, "i want you but he is not leaving my life". she was going to basically let me go to save her friendship with him. so days go by and i have my emotional outbursts and she stands her ground on it. it soon turned out to be a hangout day for just the two of them weekly. i continually express how this hurt me.

 

my thoughts behind this are, i she that their friendship was created on the idea she wanted to get with him so i don't believe it is right to continue this if she wants to be with me.

 

so this and that happens. she turns 21 and he ends up being the one to teach her to gamble and go to bars when i wished to do that with her. she doesn't even like bars or gambling yet she does it with him. i felt as us being together that those activities should have been reserved for US not some stupid other guy. she knew how much those activities meant to me as it caused a year break between us.

 

okay, fast forward. after a night of hanging out with him she leaves me a voicemail at like 4 a.m.(the usualy time she left his house) saying she has big news that i will like. i talk to her the next day and she tells me how she found out he is gay. she is very upset but only says because she feels she can't judge people well. she expects me to feel better yet i don't. they continue to have their day to hang out weekly and nothing much changes. i have found nothing changed with my feelings about it. i just do not understand why this guy that she has known maybe a year now is so important, even more important than her friends of many many years. She is not very social, she has had the same friends for years and this is just another reason this upsets me. i feel this guy has changed her. they go to restaurants all the time on their hang out day and with me we go to taco bell. he pays for her a lot and they go to all sorts of events while with me she just sits at home. i do so much to show i love her and have expressed it in so many ways but i do not see much from her.

 

okay that seems like it is long enough. there is more if anyone wants more details. i really appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this and give me comments.

thank you very much.

 

confused love

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I talked to her about this she say he is just a friend, the supposed to be a gay guy texts her and asked her out for a movie last month in oct 7 which happened to be sunday which i found out from her phone and i asked her will you go out with a anybody without me and she said no and she works from 11-8 on sundays and the next thing i see she gets off an hour early like at 7 and goes out with him, the way i found out is she normally calls me when she get off at 8, it was almost 9 and i did not get a call so i called her work asked for her and the manager said she left at 7 so i called her phone to see where is she, she does not answer after an hour she calls me saying oh she was with a old girl friend of her who used to work with her and she came with her husband and kids and they were shopping and she invited us for a party at her house, and i said o.k i totally forgot about the whole issue. One day i bumped into her friend and just asked her how was the shopping and she said i have never seen her in almost like 4 months that day i was really pissed off. (but sometimes when i get off work early around 8 and wanted to hang out with her she says her parents will be mad because she is been all day out)

 

why she had to lie to me just to hang out with him but i was not sure she hang out with him or not. from that day i have been doubting her whenever she tells me that she is with friend and i said its alright i slowly started forgetting about it and again this month november 17 saturday this lies to me saying her mom wanted to buy some groceries after work and i found out next day from her sister that she did not bring anything last night this has made me have sleepless nights thinking about it that why she is doing this but when she is with me she is showing affection.

 

so i decided let me figure out what actually happening. one day she accidently text me by mistake instead of texting him so i forwarded her message to him and he asked me who is this? so i replied that im her friends bf and then he stops texting me so i called him and said i want to talk to you and meet you since you are my gf close friend and met with him for lunch and i took my gf with me also and we talked casual. from that day im trying to get know what happening because when she is driving with me she tends to look out for him in the parking lot where she works and i did not ask her what is she looking for. This she has been doing a lot whenever we drive by very closley and this is bothering me and im scared to talk to her because i fear that we will break up. so i dont know what to do how to ask her why she is lying to me just to hang out with him and now she even erases the text messages from her phone so that i dont check them.

 

im so confused what to do how to stop this. Is it ok for her to hang out with him almost every now and then with him i feel that she will get close to him and when i talked to him he shows interest in girls so im really confused is he really a gay or not? or Im thinking too much about them. please help i dont know how to handle this. should i talk to her if i talk to her what should i say i dont know. i think she will be mad if i mention about him again because we already talked and she said he is just a friend but normal friendship is not like this its is more than friendship because she does not do the same thing with her other friends i know in fact she does not even answer her best gf calls.

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burning 4 revenge
The pro-lifers should be having a field day with this!

:laugh::lmao: classic!

 

and a gay security guard?....:laugh: i dont think so buddy

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