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Am I over reacting?


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In_thespurofthe_mome

I think I am.

My story in a nutshell:

My boyfriend went to Japan for two weeks, and came back a week and a half ago. I don't know if it's the jet lag or the messed up sleep schedule, but I feel a change. I'm not known to be a needy person, in fact i'm very patient and trusting, but ever since he's come back we've only talked a few times on the phone for not very long, and our conversations online seem a little bland. He also seems to be keeping contact with a few friends that are girls he met in Japan through e-mail and a digital voice over IP or something.

Okay, to be honest I was a little flustered and jealous at first, but I got over that and realized friends call and keep in contact with each other, because that's what friends do.

And also, I trust him because I know that even if guys might have bad intentions, he is one to push it away.

 

I don't know, anyone have any advice on why everything is so mundane lately? I really, really miss him...

 

Thank a lot.

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Perhaps it's just a generally mundane period - like you said, it's normal for friends to keep in touch with friends. Perhaps he is feeling a little blue being home after being away - getting back to everyday routine and all that.

 

Give it a couple of weeks and see if things get back to normal, and if not ask him if there's anything wrong and explain that you feel like he's been different since he got back and you wonder if he's ok. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, just give it some time. :)

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In_thespurofthe_mome

:laugh: Oh thank you very much! That made me feel a lot better.

You are right, and that is what i'm going to do.

Lol, If I'm feeling worse than usual, I tell myself that there was a 'me' before him :p and I was happy then, too. And I also try not to suffocate him or grab his attention constantly, I'll wait it out a bit.

 

I very much appreciate it, Cat :3

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:laugh: Oh thank you very much! That made me feel a lot better.

You are right, and that is what i'm going to do.

Lol, If I'm feeling worse than usual, I tell myself that there was a 'me' before him :p and I was happy then, too. And I also try not to suffocate him or grab his attention constantly, I'll wait it out a bit.

 

I very much appreciate it, Cat :3

 

No problem :D good luck:bunny:

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  • 2 weeks later...
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In_thespurofthe_mome

Hmmm :/ It's gotten a little better than before, Catrocks...

but it's probably been a week since he's last called. I try to call but get his voicemail.

 

I know I am inexperienced... but what I don't know is why this trip to Japan changed him so much! We were so wonderful before those two weeks he was away.

 

I talked to him previously and told him for some reason I was feeling distant, like I was missing something. And today I messaged him and told him that I realized I missed talking to him. Hopefully things get better.

 

Maybe I am over reacting, because this is probably the first relationship I had where the guy called so frequently, lol. So the change affected me too.

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curiousnycgirl

It's just been a week since your first post - and he's only called once since then? How have things gotten better?

 

Per Cat's post - you need to give it a few weeks for him to settle down from his trip, etc. Then take a measure - I know this is very hard, waiting is awful!

 

If you feel are feeling things are better, that's a really good thing, hold onto it and keep being patient.

 

Hey just curious, where in Northern Jersey? I'm in Cliffside Park -moved here a year ago

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In_thespurofthe_mome

Hey :)

I'm from the Oranges, if you know where those are hehe.

Essex county. :laugh:

 

But regarding my situation,

Yeah, he's only called once, because I called him previously and he didn't pick up. And I've been doing most of the calling lately, but I suppose that's okay, because it has been him for the most part lol.

 

We talk online,

but on phone: maybe three times since he came back? Which was like July 21.

 

I am willing to be very patient about this,

but I don't want to sit back and not take charge of the present if something might be wrong, you know?

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curiousnycgirl

Make other plans - keep yourself busy. Stop calling him. He may just be needing some time, so calling him is not helping.

 

Go out, have fun! Do stuff.

 

You cannot work on or solve a problem you are not aware of, and clearly he is not ready to discuss it if one even exists, so just keep on with your life. Give him his space - and reevaluate in a few weeks.

 

And yes I know where the oranges are :p

 

Good luck!

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In_thespurofthe_mome

:) THANKS! Lol, cool :D Yeah i'm in West.

 

But anyway,

I have been giving him space, and I won't call him. I only did yesterday because I was really flustered over something, and I needed someone to talk to.

Yes and I myself despise assuming, so I just have to keep a positive mind :) and know that there is no problem.

 

What Can I say? :confused: I'm still inexperienced!

 

Oh and, today i'm going over a cousin's house, and i'm staying over night with a bunch of other cousins :) Lol, don't think i've been obsessing over this! I've also been catching up with other friends :)

 

If there's one thing I know, it's to incorporate the relationship into one's life, not make the life revolve around it.

 

Thanks so much for listening.

p.s. Damn. I hope it wasn't wrong of me to send a short message telling him that I missed talking to him >.<

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:) THANKS! Lol, cool :D Yeah i'm in West.

 

But anyway,

I have been giving him space, and I won't call him. I only did yesterday because I was really flustered over something, and I needed someone to talk to.

Yes and I myself despise assuming, so I just have to keep a positive mind :) and know that there is no problem.

 

What Can I say? :confused: I'm still inexperienced!

 

Oh and, today i'm going over a cousin's house, and i'm staying over night with a bunch of other cousins :) Lol, don't think i've been obsessing over this! I've also been catching up with other friends :)

 

If there's one thing I know, it's to incorporate the relationship into one's life, not make the life revolve around it.

 

Thanks so much for listening.

p.s. Damn. I hope it wasn't wrong of me to send a short message telling him that I missed talking to him >.<

 

I think it's fine that you sent him a small message - if he's having a 'moment' and you guys aren't talking as much as usual, then you're bound to miss talking to him, and letting him know that shouldn't be a problem.

 

Sounds like you're doing ok, making plans and trying to distract yourself and give him space. It must have been a week and a bit since your last post, so it might be an idea to give yourself a time frame as to when you're going to ask him about this if he hasn't returned to normal. A couple of weeks to a month is probably ok, but you know best.

 

You know, it could be that he's getting depressed with the long distance as well - I think most people go through that every now and then. But for now, keep doing what you're doing and give him time to think things over (but not too long!) and hang out with your friends and enjoy yourself. And keep us posted :D

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In_thespurofthe_mome

Hey all of you! :)

Catrocks--

It has relieved me SO much to know that it wasn't stupid of me to send the little message. I can't even tell you how uneasy i've been feeling the past week. I hope to see him soon (as in the next few weeks) but if it doesn't work out, it's a definite that i'm seeing him on the 26th of this month. We scheduled it, I suppose. :)

 

But anyway, I will gladly give him space, and I completely understand about the distance... I don't think he's as patient as I am :p

 

But it's just that... before his trip to Japan, for about 3 months we've been so 'perfectly' happy with everything! And he goes on the class trip; and comes back changed. I just don't understand it. But I won't kill myself over this. It's funny how being in a relationship just adds new levels of happiness to your life-- as well as hurt and sorrows at times.

 

I just remind myself that if I am able to feel so happy at points in this relationship, there are better ones out there for me which may contain even stronger happiness, and I shouldn't linger on to something, god forbid something bad happens to our current relationship.

 

I really, really appreciate the help.

:laugh:

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your boyfriend has changed so much because he realized how much new jersey and most of the states sucks compared to japan. most americans who come back from a trip to east asia get reverse culture shock. everyone back home looks fatter and the only place to go for fun is a strip mall.

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in a nutshell his phone conversations have become mundane because he realized for the first time how mundane and isolated his life has been, coming back from another perhaps more exhilarating world. he may wish to change parts of his life he is unimpressed with.

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Va Bene, thats pretty rude. You are basically calling the OP mundane and unimpressive, which isn't what she asked for when she started this thread.

 

He only went to Japan for a few weeks, its not like he was living there and formed long term friendships.

 

Its true, people can become disillusioned with their life when they get back from travelling or even a short holiday, but even when you live in a country thats not your own life becomes routine eventually.

 

Maybe you are right- maybe he is re- evaluating his life after realising what a big wide world there is out there. Its not uncommon after people have been away.

 

But there are nicer ways to say it.

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Va Bene, thats pretty rude. You are basically calling the OP mundane and unimpressive, which isn't what she asked for when she started this thread.

Uh, I didn't call the OP mundane and unimpressive, I suggested instead that the OP's boyfriend may feel himself to be part of a mundane and unimpressive life. The boyfriend has just realized that he is not in the center of the world; his ambitions and his worldview have just been challenged. The boyfriend is probably down at being back home and perhaps contemplating making big changes in his own life.

 

I'm just relating to my own experiences. I spent 8 months in China and Japan a couple of years ago, and upon returning back to the States, felt a real strong urge to reboot my life (make new friends, have new hobbies, and volunteer my free time). Maintaining my existing relationship was frankly the last thing on my mind. Americans generally have a sense of entitlement; a trip to East Asia is often like a solid kick in the butt to ones sense of reality. It really is a more fast-paced and competitive world there.

 

It is still likely for the boyfriend to be back to his normal self, but the first few weeks of reverse culture shock is damn potent.

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Uh, I didn't call the OP mundane and unimpressive, I suggested instead that the OP's boyfriend may feel himself to be part of a mundane and unimpressive life..

This is what I thought suggested that, as the GF is PART of the life he may be feeling is mundane etc. I just thought you could have been slightly more sensitive, thats all.

 

 

 

The boyfriend has just realized that he is not in the center of the world; his ambitions and his worldview have just been challenged. The boyfriend is probably down at being back home and perhaps contemplating making big changes in his own life.

 

I'm just relating to my own experiences. I spent 8 months in China and Japan a couple of years ago, and upon returning back to the States, felt a real strong urge to reboot my life (make new friends, have new hobbies, and volunteer my free time). Maintaining my existing relationship was frankly the last thing on my mind. Americans generally have a sense of entitlement; a trip to East Asia is often like a solid kick in the butt to ones sense of reality.

 

It is still likely for the boyfriend to be back to his normal self, but the first few weeks of reverse culture shock is damn potent.

 

You are absolutely right about this. I have done a great deal of travelling and have been living here in the UK for over five years, and it is not my home country. It IS tough. Its also very tough to explain it to someone who hasn't had this experience.

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