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spinningmywheels

Hello all:

 

I haven't been on here in a while but I need some guidance. I'm at a heartbreaking point in my LDR - things can go either way right now.

 

We're together 7 yrs in Dec., been LDR (about 2 hrs apart) for 3 yrs. We're both around 30 yrs old.

 

I love him tons. He says he loves me, wants to marry me and raise a family. I do all the heavy lifting in terms of us seeing each other, making plans, etc.

 

He's a workaholic. Nothing else comes first. He last took a day off in JUNE. And no, he's not saving every dime for an engagement ring or a down payment or other big purchase.

 

He doesn't do what he says he's going to do. Big or small, doesn't seem to matter.

 

This part, I really don't think is malicious - I think he just literally ALWAYS puts work first. But these things happen over the span of months, and it's frustrating as hell. Especially when he finds plenty of time to check his myspace page or IM/talk/Text with all of his work related people, ad naseum.

 

In Feb. our sex life took a dive and it hasn't really recovered;

In Aug. I caught him in a relatively minor bedroom related lie (not cheating or involving another person, but enough to damage my trust in the sex-arena). I also found him viewing Internet porn - which hurt and confused me since I beg regularly for us to see each other more but nothing ever changes...

 

He says he's stopped with the porn. I don't know how much to believe him.

 

I've made it very clear many times what the isssues are, he agrees, says things need to change. We keep having the same talk but nothing happens.

 

Five days ago I told him that I'm weeks away from ending things if things don't change. He says all the right things - he sounds like he wants the relationship.

 

We have a vacation scheduled for the week after Thanksgiving - due to my financial constraints, he's supposed to book it. It's been at least 5 months and October is nearly gone, nothing's booked.

 

We switched birth control recently, we agreed to get tested for STDs, I went, he hasn't. Again, it's been 5 months. I've offered to go with him, to help if there's a problem. He's said no - and actively campaigned to have unprotected sex with me anyway (which I won't do) which is why I'm fed up with waiting for him to go.

 

If either the vacation or the STD test doesn't happen by Thanksgiving, I feel like things are done. These are things we've talked about AT LENGTH - but I haven't said it quite as explicitly to him as I did in the previous sentence.

 

My question is, should I spell it out for him that much? Most of me feels like I have to then there's really no hope here for the future....

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If either the vacation or the STD test doesn't happen by Thanksgiving, I feel like things are done. These are things we've talked about AT LENGTH - but I haven't said it quite as explicitly to him as I did in the previous sentence.

 

My question is, should I spell it out for him that much? Most of me feels like I have to then there's really no hope here for the future....

 

 

sounds like a tough situation :(.. you've been with him for a very long time, and you sound like you are very in love with him which makes it so much more frustrating that he's not picking up on the signs and putting in more effort!!! It sounds like maybe he's just got used to you doing most of the heavy lifting in the relationship and doesn't realize how seriously its affecting you, and how seriously you are contemplating ending things... must be tough... (*hug*)

 

I personally, if i was in your position, would not spell it out as explicitly as you mentioned above.. i think that is too much of an ultimatum, and then even if he does book the tickets, you'll doubt his sincerity...

 

Five days ago I told him that I'm weeks away from ending things if things don't change. He says all the right things - he sounds like he wants the relationship.

 

I thikn if maybe you say what you said above again, more clearly and make him realize how serious you are... not in the context of an ultimatum, but rather in the context of showing him that you're un-happy right now, and need things to change for it to work... give him specific examples... i've learned that works best.. ie: tell him, you want him to take some time off for you from time to time and drive down to see you.. or call you certain days, or whatever else it is... let him know what types of things you think can revive the relationship, and without giving an ultimatum, let him know how hard it has been on you, how much you're struggling, and that you're contemplating whether the relationship is working or not...

 

that would be my approach i think.... and give him this time til thanksgiving and see if he makes a genuine effort... see if he co-ordinates the trip, especially knowing how you have been feeling the relationship... if he puts in the effort.. great!!! (i really hope he does!!).. if not.. then you can decide accordingly.. its not fair for you to be doing all the work... LDRs are HARD!!!!

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ok..why are u asking someone u have been with for so long to get tested for STDs? that makes no sense? explain your thinking behind that. and i am sure if u simply just told him that porn bothered u he would stop. is it something u did together? do u see it as a 'threat' somehow?

 

sounds like u are frustrated by things easily solved..is there any other issues that are okaying on yer mind? the STDs one is kinda weird...do u think he has cheated on u?

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spinningmywheels

Thanks kismat. It's good to know I'm not insane - the kind ear really, truely helps :)

 

I've talked at him quite a bit; he swears he understands and that he knows I'm serious. I mean, I freely admit I'm part of it - I try to talk about these issues way too often b/c I feel like we never talk about them at all (b/c there's never time b/c he's always working!) or he hasn't listened. He swears he understands but I just don't know... I do believe, and he's said as much, that he takes me for granted. I feel like if I walk away though, that's it, it's done. No yo-yo ing, so to speak.

 

If he dedicated 35 seconds of objective thought to the matter he would most likely figure out he needs to do those two things (vacation, STD test) but I don't know if he will. And we've talked about it enough that I feel like if he can't get there on his own, then what's the point?

 

I'm so stressed about the whole thing too; I haven't been able to sleep or relax. I was actually having a good night, actually feeling good and not focusing on it. Then we spoke tonight (we do speak every night, at least we do that!) and he started saying how he's going away next weekend for work. :sick:

 

That means two of the next 3 weekends he's going away - at least one of those trips is not *necessary*. I feel like I know enough about his work and position in various jobs to confidently say he could say no if he wants to. Couple that with the big project he's got to do by Thanksgiving, and I feel really down and like I can see what's coming.

 

We're supposed to see each other one evening, the weekend in between. So unless something changes (which it never does unless I make a fuss) that means I last saw him on Oct. 15 and won't see him again until Nov. 5, and at that, only for a few hours.

 

The last week has been better - I've been biting my tongue so much I'm surprised I still have one. The biggest change from him in the last week has been that as new work assignments come up, he talks about them differently, as in "ugh, I can't catch a break" which I 1/2 don't believe only because I know how much he likes his work.

 

I've asked him, begged him to go to counseling with me. He says yes, we should/need to go - but logistics have made it very difficult. Plus, he's left it completely up to me to find someone (i had someone lined up but it fell through).

 

I just don't know how I'm going to get through without going crazy! Thank you for listening. It helps. :o

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spinningmywheels
ok..why are u asking someone u have been with for so long to get tested for STDs? that makes no sense? explain your thinking behind that.
Hi everlong, I hadn't noticed your reply when I made my last post.

 

We have always used condoms (that might sound unbelievable given our age and how long we've been together, but it's the truth. And I guess it's completely idiotic, but I always sort of felt I'd wait to get married before doing the deed without a condom, ya know? Silly, but it's how I felt).

 

For several reasons, not just our relationship, I went on the pill over the summer. He and I talked about it a lot - I was clear about the STD testing and he said he understood and that he would.

 

Why did I ask him to do that? Because:

 

a) he has never been tested. If he is to be believed, he has quite the sexual history before dating me. I have no reason to doubt that.

 

No, in my heart of hearts I do not believe he has or is cheating - but since we've always had protected sex and he has had what I consider a lot of partners (about a dozen, IIRC) I thought it was a very simple, basic thing to ask.

 

b) It's not like his penis would turn purple and fall off if he had a problem, you know? :rolleyes: It's not like I'm asking for something big, like him to give up his career or switch religions.

 

c) He's been to the doctor exactly twice in the last 7 yrs, and one was a dentist and he went because he was in pain, so it's not like he's been under regular medical care and there's a chance a problem could have been caught.

 

d) i had never gone before, but I went and had it done. There's really no reason NOT to go. It's not only a peace of mind thing, but I know I wanted to make sure I was healthy and safe before having unprotected sex with him. Shouldn't he want the same?

 

ETA:<sigh> I think I'm incapable of posting something short :-) On the porn thing, yes I'm bothered and threatened by it, no question. But if it was part of the relationship, something we did together I could be into that.

What kills me about it, absolutely KILLS me, is that while I'm sitting 2 hours away, lonely, horney, wondering why we don't see each other unless I make the effort, that was/is (?) what he's doing. He's not coming to me when he wants to have sex - he turning to the Internet. It's not like I'm halfway around the world, or telling him "no, I'm too busy let's not see each other" - Quite the opposite!

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