Girlfriend of 4 years left

[85 coupe 5.0]

Hi, new to the forums here. seems like there are a lot of people here to offer friendly advice, so I thought i'd see everyone's opinion on this one.

 

Recently my girlfriend of 4 years decided that she didn't want to be together anymore. We have been together steady for the entire 4 years without any major problems. been dating since we were 20. We moved into our own house about a year ago, been happy until around 3 months ago. I was helping a friend one night, and was going to be out late. I had came home from work and met my girlfriend and made sure it was o.k. with her for me to be out helping and that she didn't want to do anything. She said yea, that's cool, but I could tell something wasn't right, but she just said she was tired and had a long day. I went and helped my friend and tried to call when we finished, but got no answer. It was very unusual for her not to answer. I looked for her for a little while at many of her friends houses, but couldn't find her. I ended up going home and laying down worried sick about her. she finally showed up at 4 a.m. very unusual. I asked her where she had been and explained that I was extremely worried about her, she wouldn't talk, said she was tired and didn't want to talk about it. very unusual. I proceeded to ask her time and time again, what was wrong. she eventually got mad at my attempts and left.

 

Called her at work the next day, she agreed to come home and talk about things when she got off. she didn't show, never called. She finally called later that evening and said she was coming home to get some things. We talked for a very short time, she said she need time to think about things, I said o.k. and gave her space. 3 days went by with no word, i was worried sick, we've never had this kind of problem, and I really care for her a lot. Her mom and friends finally convince her to talk to me, she beats around, said she's been staying with friends. I ask where she had been that night, she says with friends again. I try to talk about why she won't come home and talk, she still won't tell. I finally ask if she want to split up. silence. I ask again, she says maybe. I tried to talk it out with her, she kept giving me the stone wall. I finally get mad and tell her if she wants to break up come over and tell me. She comes over, and finally admits she wants to leave, then starts deciding what she wants to take of our stuff.

 

We move out, I get my own place. Find out through friends that she has a boyfriend. We talk occasionally, but she never admits to having a boyfriend, not once, despite many of her friends telling me so. 3 months go by, not really a word between us and when we do talk she acts like nothing had happened between us. Finally, one day, one of her friends calls me saying she wants to talk to me. We talk for a little while on the phone, she was kinda crying. apparrently her and her so called boyfriend had broken up cause she was tired of his crap. I tell her to come over and we can talk. she agrees. she never shows. She finally caught up with me 2 weeks later and said she wants to talk. We spend 2 hours talking. She met the guy before we broke up, lived with him, and slept with him. Then they split. She says she didn't know what she had when she had it, and really wants me back. Says she's learned her lesson and it won't happen again. This is my first girlfriend and I really care for her, even though she hurt me SOOO bad, i can't stand the thought of losing her forever.

 

I agree that we can talk, and on our second night talking we sleep together. She's more into me than ever before, she calles me every chance she gets, wants to be with me whenever she can. She seems like she's really trying to get back with me.

 

But, i can't shake the feeling that she may do it again. It kinda haunts me, in the back of my mind. can people change? or are we doomed to repeat this again?

 

I love her so much, i want to be with her forever, but will she do it again??

 

thank you all.

[sykevon]

Oh man, I've recently been in a similar situation but my boyfriend wasn't as 'intimate' with the girl he cheated on me with, as your girlfriend was with the guy she cheated on you with ... what i'm doing, is well I talked to my boyfriend told him how I felt and told him to wipe his slate clean with me by telling me everything, in order for me to decide whether or not I could move on with him or not... and I let him know that it will take me time to trust him fully again because I will be insecure regardless of what he tells me, it's his actions that will prove it more than his words... he understands. I also let him know how much he hurt me, and made sure he felt it, because he deserved to feel horrible after devestating me by what he did. Now I'm actually putting everything behind me, because i realized that no good will come out of dwelling in the past except for bitter feelings for him, and there's no point to a relationship like that ... we decided to 'erase' the past 5 months, from 'our history' as a way to 'start fresh in the middle' kind of way ... so no more bringin it up after we talked about it, nothing like that ...

 

it's inevitable that you're going to be scared that she might do it again, but be firm with her, that she needs to rebuild your trust with her, and she has to vow never to cheat again and be blunt with her and say that if she does it again you'll be done with her, because you know that you're a good guy and, there will be other girls out there who will remain faithful to you, as you always remained faithful to her ...

 

however if you feel, that you're always going to remember what she did, how you felt etc etc ... then it will be very hard to move on, and your bitter feelings will ruin the relationship for you, and it will eventually lead to a break up ...

 

so talk to her ... sort things out ... base your decision on what you feel, if you feel she's being sinere and genuine, or if you feel she's just saying 's***' because she's lonely and needs you there ...

 

hope i helped

 

my thread was the 'desperate for answers'

 

you can read the replies written to my story they may also help

 

good luck

 

=)

[Sal Paradise]

No one can tell you definate one way or the other but in my opinion I think she probably will do it again. She essentially got away with it and didn't pay any penalty for her mistake. She lied and didn't have the balls to admit what happened until she realized the guy she was cheating with wasn't what she hoped. You are her second choice. If the other guy had turned out to be what she expected she wouldn't of come back. I don't know about you but I wouldn't want to be anyone's second choice. I'm sure eventually some other guy will come along and this will happen again. It may be next month, next year, or the next decade but it probably will happen. At least now if you break it off you could make a clean break with little damage. You have no kids so it would be for the best to end it before she does real damage.

 

It's probably not what you wanted to hear but its for the best. If you do decide that you have to give this another go I would strongly urge you two going to a relationship counselor. She has shown no ability to communicate. Things weren't great and instead of coming to you and working on them she lied and cheated. If she doesn't learn to communicate you can count on this happening again.

[scrybe74]

She lied, ignored you, slept with another man, forced you to move out and didn't have the decency to call when she said she would.....totally leaving you hanging. There will be other girls in your future - I say move on with your life

[ashnicole]

You know her better than we do... but look at the obvious:

 

She slept with someone else.

Ignored you when ya'lls relationship was at risk - just how important was it to her THEN?

 

But on the other hand, sometimes people do realize what they had... and they do realize that they want it back, and if she's sincere, the relationship may end up being better than it ever was before.

 

But then again, maybe you're a back-up, until someone else comes along and sweeps her off her feet, and then, off she goes again.

 

I would say there's not really any way to tell if this is going to happen again... why don't you guys just take things slow, until you feel comfortable enough to jump in head first again?

[85 coupe 5.0]

Thank you all very much for the support and opinions thus far. I have gained many different perspectives on the situation now. She seems to be totally involved into getting back together now, she calls when she's at work just because she wants to talk with me, loves to hold hands whenever possible, and in general be with me every minute of her free time. But on the other hand, some of you are right, what if the relationship with the other guy had worked out, and the fact that she slept with him after only 3 weeks of dating?? I am fully prepared to move on, and let the past go. She has agreed to communicate more when there are problems, which is something she would rarely do in the past, it would take her days to finally come out with what she wanted to say.

 

I truly believe that she knows that she lost a good person, and I guess it makes me more of a man taking her back, she did sleep with the other guy after all.

 

I do love her and believe that it can work out, so long as she doesen't ever give me any reason to believe she's lying to me. One lie and she's gone, that is something i've made clear to her.

 

Love hurts, this is really a tough situation. Pretty much I think i'm going to take it as it goes, forget the past totally and move on, erase the last 3 months from my life and restart our relationship. If she can prove to me that she is trustworthy then things will be great, and right now, our relationship is 100% stronger than before. I have so much affection for her now, and she does also, i beleive we are now truly in love.

 

If i get hurt again down the road, it guess it's nobody's fault by my own. I am such a soft-hearted person, i can't stay mad at anyone. I know she cheated and lied to me without even blinking an eye, but she thought she had something so bad in me, then went out and seen what the real world was like, and realized. Once a cheater, always a cheater? maybe not, people can change, but it takes a big shake-down in your life to do so, and I think we've both had that. I didn't respect her as much as I should have back then, she really loved me, she cooked, cleaned and was always there for me. In return i got her nothing for christmas because i had bought parts for my car, and didn't get her anything for her birthday because i was broke because of the car again.

 

I messed up as much as she did, I think we both needed that, although I didn't sleep with anyone because I didn't meet anyone during our time apart, although If I did I would have.

 

I think things are going to be just fine now, she has my full attention and affection, and I will not let that go again.

 

Love is a beautiful thing, if you have it dont let it go.

 

thank you all

[Spectre]

I just feel the need to reply to this guy, cuz ive seen it happen so many times..

 

She seems to be totally involved into getting back together now, she calls when she's at work just because she wants to talk with me, loves to hold hands whenever possible, and in general be with me every minute of her free time.

 

Of course she seemed that way, this is what basically happened: She was with you, met some other guy, cheated on you with him, broke up with you, and went to date him. When the guy turned out to be an a**h***, she's suddenly "realizing" she made a mistake, this is a classic move made by girls. They think they see someone better, so they treat a guy who actually cares for them like crap, then they go date and bang this guy, only to come crawling back once they realize they got played, and I cant count how many times after this you see the guy saying "she seems really committed" as I said: of course she does, she's vulnerable and probably feels stupid for doing what she did, it made her realize how lucky she was to not be with an a-hole.

 

To be frank: I dont think shes committed to you, I think she is committed to the idea of being with someone who will treat her right, not hurt her, not make her look stupid.

 

 

and the fact that she slept with him after only 3 weeks of dating?? I am fully prepared to move on, and let the past go. She has agreed to communicate more when there are problems, which is something she would rarely do in the past, it would take her days to finally come out with what she wanted to say.

 

No offense, but it seems like you're kinda making excuses for her, the whole "she seems like this and she's now doing this" you have to realize that she just got burned by the typical situation. Leave guy A for guy B, discover guy B is an a-hole(after of course, letting him bang you in 100 diff ways) then realizing you dont want an a-hole, you want someone who loves you, so they go back to guy A. This girl is going to try to make it seem like she is all into you, but she isnt, not in the way you think, she just got burned herself dont forget. You said youre fully prepared to move on? Do it, please do it, I've seen this thing happen too many times.

 

I truly believe that she knows that she lost a good person, and I guess it makes me more of a man taking her back, she did sleep with the other guy after all.

 

Of course she knows she lost a good person, because the guy she left you for turned out to be an a-hole

 

I do love her and believe that it can work out, so long as she doesen't ever give me any reason to believe she's lying to me. One lie and she's gone, that is something i've made clear to her.

 

Hasn't she already done that tho? I mean, how come this time its "one more lie and she's gone" ? I get the feeling, I know you love her and dont wanna lose her, so you can even forgive her shady behavior, but remember what she did, remember that an honest person wouldnt of done that, remember that if she truly loved you as much as you love her, she wouldnt NEED to go bang some a-hole and have him hurt her to realize she wants you, that tells me this girl just isnt right for you. The thing that pissed me off the most is you said she told you she was gonna come over and talk it out, and she never showed up and you didnt hear from her for 2 weeks? So how can you honestly tell yourself she's into it? or that she loves you? thats such a sh*tty thing for her to do.

 

Love hurts, this is really a tough situation. Pretty much I think i'm going to take it as it goes, forget the past totally and move on, erase the last 3 months from my life and restart our relationship. If she can prove to me that she is trustworthy then things will be great, and right now, our relationship is 100% stronger than before. I have so much affection for her now, and she does also, i beleive we are now truly in love.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater? maybe not, people can change, but it takes a big shake-down in your life to do so, and I think we've both had that. I didn't respect her as much as I should have back then, she really loved me, she cooked, cleaned and was always there for me. In return i got her nothing for christmas because i had bought parts for my car, and didn't get her anything for her birthday because i was broke because of the car again.

 

I messed up as much as she did, I think we both needed that, although I didn't sleep with anyone because I didn't meet anyone during our time apart, although If I did I would have.

 

 

Just stop man, youre now kind of blaming yourself? your gf is the whore, it doesnt matter if she cooked, cleaned, etc. She was doing that for the other guy as well, hows that make you feel? hurts? good, cuz it should. You need to realize that just because you still love her does not mean you have to get back with her, even if she is "sorry" she is only sorry cuz her bf was an a-hole. It hurts now, but the pain wont last forever, but if you stay with her? the resentment will never die, the images of her with another man will never die.

 

Do you see yourself with a future with this kind of person? I want you to think of ALL the good times you had with her, and then think of how she f*cked you over, if she loved you that much it wouldnt of happened, I pray you realize this..

[Spectre]

But on the other hand, sometimes people do realize what they had... and they do realize that they want it back, and if she's sincere, the relationship may end up being better than it ever was before.

 

It's a double edged sword tho, cuz youre like yeah she realized what she had! but then you realize she had to cheat, live with another dude, break your heart to realize that? and it makes you wanna be with a girl who realizes the same thing from, i dunno, looking into your eyes? kissing you? being with you? anything that isnt slutty, thats just my take on it. It would be different if her other bf did NOTHING wrong and she left him anyways, but that isnt the case

[ashnicole]

It's a double edged sword tho, cuz youre like yeah she realized what she had! but then you realize she had to cheat, live with another dude, break your heart to realize that? and it makes you wanna be with a girl who realizes the same thing from, i dunno, looking into your eyes? kissing you? being with you? anything that isnt slutty, thats just my take on it. It would be different if her other bf did NOTHING wrong and she left him anyways, but that isnt the case

 

I'm not trying to justify what she did at all. And from my point of view, I don't give people second chances... ever... no matter what the circumstances. If it didn't work out the first time, it won't work out a second time... because it takes a lot for me to not want to be with someone that I really care about, and I just can't trust someone well enough to think that they wouldn't hurt me again.

But in his case, I was just trying to give him a little hope. We don't know her... we only know what he's telling us, and her story, could be a LOT different than his. I'm trying not to take sides here... -shrug-

[Spectre]

you dont need to know the person to know what they did was f*cked up, im not saying she didnt change cuz of the experience, im just saying the fact that she needed this experience to change is a sign that she doesnt love him

[ashnicole]

you dont need to know the person to know what they did was f*cked up, im not saying she didnt change cuz of the experience, im just saying the fact that she needed this experience to change is a sign that she doesnt love him

 

Who are we to say how SHE feels?

Maybe she handles love differently than other people do. Maybe she's scared of it. There could be a lot of reasons for her behavior.

I don't agree with what she did, in any way at all... but I also don't agree with making her out to be a bad person when we don't really know but about 3% of their relationship - and even THAT is only coming from ONE party. -shrug-

I guess I'm just not budging on this one. If he thinks they can work things out, good for him. A lot of people these days aren't willing to put forth the effort to keep a relationship together - that's why the divorce rates are absolutely insane. If more people put more effort into it, there would be a lot more happy people in this world. People CAN change, regardless of what 'society' says.

[PerfectLee]

This is so hard. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. This is definately NOT the way that two people in love are supposed to communicate with each other! Personally, I couldn't be with her again knowing that some other guy was inside her, sleeping with her, making her feel good, etc... Think about it! Why would you want her after him? It's true, that it's inevitable that it'll always be on your mind, it'll never be something that'll go away, trust me. I've been in enough cheating relationships to know that it just never leaves! I'm in a healthy relationship now, and every so often I think about how lame my ex's were for doing what they did to me. I'm not saying you can't recover from this, but after 4 years of a commitment... it makes me wonder, What does she really want?

[Guest]

Sorry, I don't know how to do multiple quotes, but thanks for the replys so far guys! don't be afaid to be honest, i really appreciate that!

 

I appreciate the support. I am really willing to give to this relationship to keep it together, and you are right, this is just my point of view. So far things are going great, she is being totally honest and respectful of me. Calls me every chance she gets to tell me she loves me and vice versa. Making love is a whole new experience, we are totally focused into each other unlike before, she likes to make love, not have sex if you can get what i'm trying to say.

 

You're probably right, she has just been burned and maybe that's why she has so much attention for our relationship again, but I can't help but feel that she has changed and is really trying to show me that she messed up and is very sorry. At this point, to me anyhow, it seems as if she is giving her 100% to keep this relationship together.

 

She did leave me though, but not without reason. Between me not spending enough time with her, hanging with friends more than I should and not wanting to get out with her, it made her confused about what she wanted and what she had in me. Basically i think I had changed from the person she first met and she wanted out. It was a really stupid how she treated me though, and the fact she said she'd come talk it out when she left the new b/f and never showed. But you have to know her, she's kinda shy when it comes to emotional stuff, even when she knows you. She finally initiated the conversation the last time we met, said she really wanted to talk, that's how we got to the point we are at now, she took the 1st step that night.

 

She's acutally back living with me, and things are going great. Am i destined to get burned again? possibly. But I can tell she's trying, she's a totally different person and committs just as much to the new relationship as I am at this point. Will that diminish with time? maybe, but we'll just have to see.

 

She burned me bad, slept around then wanted me back. I love her, I can't change that, and i'm giving her a second chance. If i get burned, i get burned. I asked for it I guess, all evidence points to a habitual cheater, or a relationship that is better than ever due to what has happened. time will tell I guess.

[85 coupe 5.0]

the above post is me, forgot to log in.

[Guest]

sounds like she isnt in love with you ....let her go. she'll just end up doing it again bc now she feels she can always come back to you...you're her safety net.

[85 coupe 5.0]

sounds like she isnt in love with you ....let her go. she'll just end up doing it again bc now she feels she can always come back to you...you're her safety net.

 

I've ran that through my mind so many times, and you could be right. But what if people do change? What if she is being true and really has realized that she had something? I'm going to give it a go, worst that can happen is i'll get hurt over again and be back where I am now.

 

About the question of her ever loving me in the 1st place. You're right, why did she leave if she loved me after 4 years? how about this, why did she stay with me for 4 years if she DIDN'T love me? she had many opportunities to leave me, i know because she's told me and i've witnessed a few.

 

I think I drove her away at the last part of our relationship, but didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late.

 

People deserve a 2nd chance, and even though letting her go would be the right thing to do, i can't do it. I'm a fool in love i guess you could say.

[Guest]

I've ran that through my mind so many times, and you could be right. But what if people do change? What if she is being true and really has realized that she had something? I'm going to give it a go, worst that can happen is i'll get hurt over again and be back where I am now.

 

About the question of her ever loving me in the 1st place. You're right, why did she leave if she loved me after 4 years? how about this, why did she stay with me for 4 years if she DIDN'T love me? she had many opportunities to leave me, i know because she's told me and i've witnessed a few.

 

I think I drove her away at the last part of our relationship, but didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late.

 

People deserve a 2nd chance, and even though letting her go would be the right thing to do, i can't do it. I'm a fool in love i guess you could say.

dont do this to yourself. respect yourself..obviously she doesnt!

[Guest]

I've stood where you've stood pal and you have my sympathy.

 

A long time girlfriend cheated on me and left me eventually for another guy but came running back when it didn't work out.

 

The trouble I found is that deep, deep down I could never truly forgive and especially not forget.

 

I loved her so much but I always felt I was the safe option for her and because I was caring and a nice guy she came back to me.

 

When she was gone all I ever did was ache for her and want her back but when she actually came back the pain didn't die as I hoped it would.

 

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't help but resent her even though I still loved her and every time I looked in her eyes the hurt from what she had done came back to me.

 

If you can truly put everything behind you maybe things can work out but she treated you terribly and obviously hurt you bad and that's not easy to forget.

 

Good luck my friend.

[Guest]

You know what they say: If you love someone, you let them go. If they come back to you, they are yours forever.