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Guide me in the right Decision...PLEASE.....


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Decisions Decisions……Need MAJOR help on this one:

 

Seems like everyday it is something different…..

 

 

But can I tell you all how grateful I am to have this place? Having LITERALLY no one in my life, no family, no friends, NO ONE to ask for advice, this really helps to receive advice, even if it hurts once and awhile…..so THANK YOU EVERYONE!

 

Here Goes:

 

Long story, short version:

 

Boyfriend and I been together for almost 2 years, living together for about as long. He considers me his wife. Throughout this time we have had some issues, some major and I am sure you have all seen the recent ones.

Have been dealing with deceit and lies, hiding things, just about everything under the sun.

Within the past couple of months, he has really changed. For the better, is more focused on us and our life, has been talking about starting a real one with me, as far as having kids and saving big time to buy a house. Is less emotionally distant, not so cold, more loving and attentive, blah blah blah….Point is I really feel a connection and not like its such a chore for him to be with me anymore, like how it was in the past….

 

Last nite he says to me that soon he wants to go to his country to visit his mother for her b-day and because he thinks she is getting sick and has no other family besides him. He also wants to visit his father (they are separated) and their family. I just went with him 8 months ago to his country to visit his family and friends but now he is thinking about going ALONE……He says that he can go for free because some agency will be paying for it.

Now there has NEVER been a nite that we have slept apart. We have always been together since day one. He says he will only be gone a week. I asked why I couldn’t go with him and he said “you can, but I don’t think your work will say yes” (which is probably true..maybe) and then he goes on about how it is only going to be a week, and etc…making statements obviously meant to coax me into being okay with him going solo….

And I said, well okay if you are there and I am here, I am not going to be home everyday, I will sleep over a friends house because I will feel lonely, and then he says:

 

“NO you wont, you will stay home and I will make sure that you do because if you leave my family will tell me what time you have gone and for how long and I will have them check up on you”

 

And I said “well that’s not fair because you are going to be going out and having fun, why should I sit and rot in the house”

 

And he said “I wont be going out, I will be at my mothers house or my fathers house”

 

First of all, LIKE I BELIEVE THAT…..second of all LIKE I WOULD ASK HIM TO DO THAT……

 

I know despite how much he promises he WILL be out every nite. There is no way this man is going to stay in the house all day everyday for a week on his vacation.

 

A. He is not the type. He is a DEFINATE good time seeker, always hanging out with friends, etc….

B. I have seen him in action. When he gets liquor in him he can be QUITE disrespectful. (ie the crotch grabbing incident at the party) and the leering and following women etc……

C. He WILL be drinking liquor, this much is certain.

D. Of course he would lie to me and tell me that he was going to sit in the house, so I would be forced to sit in the house as well….

 

So, I have a couple of questions:

 

Should I let him go solo and take this as a “breather” opportunity for the both of us, a break of sorts?

Should I go with him, which according to him he wouldn’t mind but he certainly has been making “I” plans instead of “WE” plans and making statements about HIM going instead of US going…..He just doesn’t seem too enthusiastic about the idea of me going along…

I know enough about his country (having visited and hearing rumors) that this is not the type of country you let men go solo to.

 

I would like to hear opinions from everyone, men and women but specifically people who have been in the situation….PLEASE!

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slubberdegullion

This is more about booze than control. So before any of us launch into advice-mode, let's clarify a few things:

  • When he's sober, does he act disrespectfully towards you and others?
  • Does his culture view booze as a "manly" thing, or is it somehow prohitibed?
  • Do you drink with him as well, so much that you both end up smashed?
  • Does his culture view women as chattels? That is, are women perceived as being owned by their man?

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I'm just wondering why the change of all of sudden? Possibly because he knew he was wanting or planning on going out of town to see his family and didn't really want you to go, so he thought by changing some, it would soften the blow of him not wanting you to go?

 

 

 

 

Jade

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Have to agree with Slubber there is more going on that meets the eye ? You need to find out why he is acting this way and is it only when he is drinking or all the time..

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Jade Star...right on the money!!! I swear to god I thought the same exact thing....it could very well be that! He did recently buy me an expensive item and he NEVER spends money on ANYTHING, he is a total tightwad....

 

 

He doesnt have a drinking problem and its rare when he does drink but when he does, he gets like that....which of course he is going to be drinking, its vacation and he is among his people.....

 

*His culture doesnt prohibit drinking, in fact, they are usually hearty drinkers

*No, we dont drink that much, but it is usually him that ends up trashed

*Yes, his culture does view women as property, and he is insanely jealous person, doesnt like me to have friends and go out, likes me in the house, etc.....

*He is not generally disrespectful to anyone, just a little uncaring towards me at times.

 

He kept hedging….going back and forth…..one minute it was “yes, you can go” the next it was him making solo plans, and saying my work wouldn’t let me, then it was “I’ll wait for you before I go” then it was “its only for a week, I’ll be back” and on and on until:

 

I pushed him for more information, as in what happens if etc…. and just wanting to know more about situation, he said “okay fine I wont go” and wanted the subject dropped immediately.

 

Maybe I am crazy, but when you are with someone and you make commited plans with them, and are starting a life with them, you just don’t leave and make plans to go without someone if it is possible that they can go, and there is no reason they cant. Its not a money situation, and its not a travel situation, and its not a “not enough room at my house” situation…..so what kind of situation is it????

 

Should I trust him and give him space, is that it? Or is this a case of reverse psychology again???

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The question is what is his agenda and why isn't he wanting you to go? There is no reason you can't go maybe he likes keeping you to himself.. Do you have anybody to talk with there ?

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Yes, I guess I have people I could talk to there, but…the thing is they all speak Spanish, and while I understand fully, I have a hard time sometimes communicating back with them……

 

I will tell you that last time I went, I had THE WORST time because he kept leaving me for HOURS on end at his mothers or fathers house (in a foreign country) while he went and trolled the streets with his father….now he did have reason as there was the issue of not having transportation except for a small motorcycle that is his fathers and he had to deliver the gifts to the people there from the people here. Sort of understandable but still…..

So what should I do?? I feel like he is either tricking me again, or really doesn’t want me to go……

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Heres just a suggestion and I'm not saying it will work but you could try this. Say to him:

 

"Since you don't want me to go out with my friends while you're gone, then either I go with you on your trip so you will know where I am, or I go out with my friends etc so I wont be lonely." Say this in a nice sweet way to get your point across.

 

For him to tell you that you can't go anywhere and his family will tell him if you do, is very controling!

 

It may piss him off if you tell him that, but make it clear those are his choices. From reading your other posts about him being secretive, hiding things etc, then all of a sudden is nice to you now this trip has come about is just fishy to me. Not sure whats up but something is.

 

 

 

 

Jade

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I'm sorry. I'm confused as to why you'd want to put up with this.

 

Here is what I would do. I'd say, "Have a nice trip honey" and then I would do whatever I wanted to do. Then, while he was gone, I'd pack my stuff and leave him a note saying "Have a nice life"

 

When a man lies to you constantly, how can you ever trust him?? He is up to something, I'd bet money on it.

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Jade Star-That is a great idea, actually…..I think that is what I am going to do, thanks for that!

 

But I am also worried at the same time if I do that, issue this ultimatum, he might say, alright, your coming with me, he will be upset and pissy the whole time.

 

I don’t know about anyone else, but I cannot stand being where I am not wanted. In those type of situations, you are not the only one who is aware that they don’t want you along….everyone the both of you come in to contact is aware of it as well. Its like it can be felt in the air, it just permeates the situation and everyone can tell your not wanted.

 

I don’t want him to tell me yes you can go, and have the reason be because he feels forced into it because he is so jealous that he doesn’t want to leave me alone but yet wants to be free to run around the country doing what he wants…..

 

I said, “well that’s great! Everyone is watching me here in America, but who is going to be watching you”? ….he says:

 

“my mother”…………..oh…that’s reassuring…..

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See, Mz. Pixie, I kinda feel like that too……In my opinion, you just don’t leave the other behind when you are in a relationship when there is no reason for it……the only reason he said was “your work probably wont let you”…and carried on the planning as if it was only him going…….

 

I feel like if he is going to leave, in a sense he is abandoning me….the right man for me would never leave me behind…period…but I am still wondering if this is all just reverse psychology…could it be???????????

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radom, I see what you're saying, and it was just a suggestion, other than what Mz.Pixie said too, other than that, not real sure what to tell ya. Keep us posted as to what you decide. :)

 

 

 

 

Jade

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And yet still another part of me is wondering if the only reason why he bothered telling me about going in the first place was because he knew he couldn’t possibly make up an excuse of this absence without me saying NO WAY….I mean, we live together so his absence would be obvious…..and what could he say? Nothing. So he had to tell me the truth…otherwise I am sure he would say he is working….and lie like he has in the past….The only time he tells me anything is when there is no possible way he can get around lying about it….but that’s just my opinion….

 

Come to think of it, prior to our trip discussion, (or rather HIS trip discussion) he said “I might have to stay overnight at a house for a couple of days” and I said why and he says “ohhh, its far away and it is a big big house and I need to do construction on it and its no good going back and forth and I have to work long long hours because it’s a rush job”………and I said “oh, really, well, I might have to have a guy sleep next to me in my bed a couple of days then” and he was PISSED…..See what I mean??? Hmmmm sounds like he DID try to lie in the first place but was immediately knocked down so had no choice but to tell the truth….

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I am curious if anyone has ever had this experience with their SO? Did anyone go out of the country without their SO or vice versa or was issued an ultimatum or anything like that????

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slubberdegullion

Even when I was married, I did most of my travelling on my own. I just prefer it that way, and besides, I was going to places that my SO of the time simply wasn't interested in. There wasn't family involved, though, and despite temptations, I didn't stray. So I don't know if my experience really helps.

 

For the record, she travelled on her own too, often with girlfriends.

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The traveling alone is not the point for me. Actually, that is fine I think under normal circumstances.

 

What is at issue for me here is his lying, his drinking and partying and the fact that something is up with this visit home. Also, his telling you people are watching you and that you cannot go out, etc.

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You are right, Mz Pixie.....

 

The issue over the traveling is NOT an issue, the issue is him trying to get out of me going that is greatly upsetting me......

 

The newest of the new…

 

Update:

 

So last nite I spoke with a relative of his about this situation and here is what they told me:

“The tickets for him AND for you is free”….thus eliminating the excuse of “its too expensive for you to go, but it is free for me” He didn’t bother to tell me it was free for me to go as well, and probably never would tell me as it would have been a convenient excuse as in “its too expensive for you to go, but it is free for me, and I need to see my ailing mother on her b-day”….Relative also told me that “I thought he told me that YOU didn’t want to go” ….do you see?? Deliberately LYING to everyone…did he not think I would find out?????

 

So when he came home, I was bound and determined to not say anything at all about situation, but of course logic flew out of the window…..

And when he came in I says “why didn’t you tell me it was free for me too”? and he LIED and said “I did” then I said, “why don’t you want me to go”? and he said “its only for 3 days” welllll if its only for 3 days, and its free, why then cant I go????? He said I could go but then kept saying its only for 3 days, and other remarks not to flat out say NO but to discourage me from going as in “the last time you went you didn’t like it and wanted to come home” and other such remarks ….which reminds me…..at first he told me it was going to be a week…to discourage me from going because he knew my work wouldn’t let me go…but I decided to play a game and I told him my work approved it, well, all of a sudden, it changed from a week to 3 days now…..

 

So I took both of you guys advice and said “well, if I stay here then I am going out and having a good time and I already told your relatives what you said about them watching me and they said “we are not babysitters, or nosy so no, we wont be watching you” and he didn’t like that too much but then…

 

I just got so ANGRY with the fact that he was trying to actually play these games all to dissuade me from going with him, all the lying and double talk and inventing false situations (ie I need to work for 3 days so I might be gone) that I said to him “well, if you go and leave me behind when you come back here I wont be waiting for you” and he said “ I am not going, forget it” …strange……doesn’t want to go all of a sudden when I say that……had perfect opportunity to say “you come with me then”

Am I crazy???? There is absolutely NO EXCUSE, NO REASON for me to stay behind…none. Tickets are free…check…if its only for 3 days we can go on the weekend, check check….what else is left???? I DON’T GET IT….

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So now he has an excuse for why he wont go to see his mom….

 

 

“My girlfriend is such a jealous and crazy B that she threw a fit about me going so now I cant go”…….I never said he couldn’t go, I only asked why I couldn’t…to which he responded 1 of 2 ways….”its only for 3 days” and “you didn’t like it the last time you went, remember” deliberately trying to discourage me……but at the same time saying I could go and hedging back and forth before finally saying “just forget it, I am not going, alright” when I brought up the other points which were valid and true……

 

when, if everything was all good, why then couldn’t he just say “Gee, would you like to come with me? Its only for 3 days but it will be fun”

 

OPINIONS…WHAT NOW?????

 

Is this something to leave him over?

 

Just resign myself and let him go alone?

 

Not care either way??

 

WHAT???

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Sheesh random, not sure what to tell you. I do think you're right it was odd for him to just up and say "forget it I'm not going then." So he just totally blew off the fact that you could have gone with him since it was for 3 days and free? You going with him seems to not even be an opition for him, thats what I don't get. Did he call his mother infront of you and tell her this is why he couldn't come? Or was just saying he was gonna call her and tell her all this but hasn't called yet?

 

 

 

 

Jade

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If I want to go anywhere without my boyfriend it's because i just need time alone with friends. Couples need to do that. However, it's not as if he's mentioned "the boys" wanting to go away together. I strongly believe he's controlling. He wants a nice girl at home while he's out and up to no good. I'm sorry, but this is exactly the picture he's painting. No one tells me to stay at home while they are out. You're not a pet. If the person you spend the most time with is away than it's only natural to take advantage of that by using that time to spend with your family or friends. If he has a problem with that it's because he is up to no good. I swear he is. What gets me is that he is using his poor innocent parents as an excuse. My best friends husband goes on work trip seminars a few times a year and the only reason she doesn't go is because it would be their cost to fly her. But, he never once said stay at home. To avoid being at home alone she will sleep over her sisters or even my house. But their are no issues at hand. if he's so concerned about what you'll be doing and with whom it's because he's doing something and with someone. It just seems to me as if he's making a big deal about you going with him. THAT is a big deal. Question is why? Obviously something is going on. If you go with him I'd be curious to know if he splits during the day or even the evening for long periods of time. If their is a trust issue between you two it's because it's coming from somewhere. It didn't make it self up. Something IS up girl and you need to find out what. Keep me posted. :)

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no, he didnt tell her yet but this is how he is, he deliberately avoids telling me the truth, when i catch him in a lie, he blows up, says forget it, then he blabs to everyone how much of a jealous B i am and how crazy I am too.....the trip is not for another month...should I just keep my mouth shut and let him make his decision? He does seem like he doesnt want me to go...its not about money, its not about permission from work and according to him its not about other women then WTF???? What shoudl I do???????

 

I am torn between wanting him to just admit the reason is because HE doesnt want me to go and not any other excuse

and just letting the chips fall where they may and if he goes without me, he has lost me...because why??? its so senseless...its free and i got permission but he keeps saying "its only for 3 days"....

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you are right...everything in me screams that he is up to no good.....but HOW do I find out for sure??? Maybe he doesnt want to hurt my feelings by saying that he needs time alone and would rather lie and blame it on someone or something else......but I CANNOT GET IT THROUGH HIS THICK HEAD that THIS is the reason for the argument and issue and blowup....NOT that he is going on vacation but that he is inventing excuses as to why I cannot go in the first place....How to play this game?

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If I want to go anywhere without my boyfriend it's because i just need time alone with friends. Couples need to do that. However, it's not as if he's mentioned "the boys" wanting to go away together. I strongly believe he's controlling. He wants a nice girl at home while he's out and up to no good. I'm sorry, but this is exactly the picture he's painting. No one tells me to stay at home while they are out. You're not a pet. If the person you spend the most time with is away than it's only natural to take advantage of that by using that time to spend with your family or friends. If he has a problem with that it's because he is up to no good. I swear he is. What gets me is that he is using his poor innocent parents as an excuse. My best friends husband goes on work trip seminars a few times a year and the only reason she doesn't go is because it would be their cost to fly her. But, he never once said stay at home. To avoid being at home alone she will sleep over her sisters or even my house. But their are no issues at hand. if he's so concerned about what you'll be doing and with whom it's because he's doing something and with someone. It just seems to me as if he's making a big deal about you going with him. THAT is a big deal. Question is why? Obviously something is going on. If you go with him I'd be curious to know if he splits during the day or even the evening for long periods of time. If their is a trust issue between you two it's because it's coming from somewhere. It didn't make it self up. Something IS up girl and you need to find out what. Keep me posted. :)

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So......Now because of all of this, I am not sure how to react to him. I feel in a sense a bit hurt and betrayed that he is going through all the motions to block me from going....but because I dont know why, and he refuses to divulge, i feel so strange.....and hurt....I am not sure whether to just ignore him and go about my life or what????

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listen2u4sure, I think you are right...I think he most definately IS hiding something, but after all of this, is it worth it to continue or am I blowing it out of porportion???

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