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Am I being unreasonable?


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Hi, new here. I just wanted to get some input on something that I've been thinking about, and was hoping that some opinions from this message board would help.

 

I've been together with my fiance for about 2 years. About a year ago, the two of us were looking at photo albums and we came across a few pictures (not many, just a few) of him together with a few ex-girlfriends. Of course, at first I had the typical response of getting aggravated, irrational and jealous, but I got over it and pretty much forgot about the pictures until a few days ago.

 

We're in the process of moving in together and I would prefer it if he doesn't bring pictures of ex-girlfriends with him when he moves in with me. I know that he has no emotional ties to these women (he hasn't seen or spoken to them in many years, nor does he want anything to do with them) although for my own piece of mind, it would just make me feel more comfortable if he didn't bring them.

 

I doubt that he will be upset at this request, however, before I tell him how I feel, I just wanted to get some input on whether or not I'm being reasonable. And since the two of us are planning to get married, I don't see the purpose of keeping pictures of EXs around. Am I crazy, or are my opinions valid?

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Hi,

I don't have much advice, but I am in a similar situation. I moved in with my bf a few years ago, and over the years things from his past relationships have been popping up - pictures, emails, love notes. It bothers me that he did not get rid of these things when I moved in. I certainly didn't bring anything like that with me when I moved in. The fact that he keeps these things makes me feel like he does not respect my feelings. Some of the things I have found I asked him to get rid of, and he did.

 

It's a tough issue. If we weren't living together, it probably wouldn't bother me. But now this is OUR space, and mementos from his ex's shouldn't be a part of OUR space.

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Hey Olivia, no worries, you're perfectly normal. I do not want anything from his exes in my house either. Although he probably does, somewhere :p lol But yeah, as irrational as it may seem; I think tons of girls and women feel the same about their guy's exes. And hey, if you know he won't be too upset about it, then I can tell you you're pretty lucky! No need to feel bad about this all; I think it's a pretty normal reaction.

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I agree also. Just tell him calmly and as nicely as you can that you'd really rather not have those pictures around. If he is really a cool guy and loves he won't mind. :)

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Just to back up all the above, its not a totally cool thing to keep memories of old flames around. I don't, but some people seem to need to. I was expected to be happy about keeping the gifts a gf and her ex bf had been given when we moved in together, it may have made sense in practical terms but boy was I not happy about it and was she upset when I said so!!!! You should definately say something and he should, if he loves/respects you, get rid. But remember he may see no harm in keeping them, thay may be a reminder of good times rather than a person.

 

Actually I wonder why he didn't think of that himself I would not show a gf pictures of me and any of my exes even if I had any.

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RecordProducer

I don't see why these pictures would bother you. They are history that has nothing to do with your love. I think you shouldn't start your new phase (living together) with nagging about irrelevant things. That will bring bitter taste in his mouth. It's not like he is keeping these pictures on his desk or next to his pillow. They are just in the album as memories. Do you want him to erase his memories?

 

He doesn't care about these women anymore so what's the big deal? Relax and don't think about these pics. I would be annoyed by a request to not bring the pics of my exes with me. They are personal stuff and I am not cheating if I only keep these pics. How can you be jealous of a picture? Yes, I think you're being unreasonable. So if you insist on him putting them away, bring the subject having this in mind. Let him know that it might be unusual, but you would feel more comfortable if those pics didn't hang out in the albums. Don't accuse HIM of being unfair to you, because when you accuse someone of something he is not guilty of, they lose respect for you. Besides, jealousy is not appreciated by men, especially when it's unreasonable and based on mere insecurity. :)

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Have to agree with RP here.

 

It are just a few pictures of the past. And he is not exactly living in the past, or showing you these pictures time and again, to make you aware how happy he was in the past. None of it.

 

It is your issue, and not something he is pining over. There is no problem. But you are creating one.

 

If a SO would demand of me to throw them out, it would not be the pictures that would be out. But the SO. It is my past, and noone has a right to determine whether or not it has value for me, if it are just pictures in a photo album. And they are.

If someone cannot accept the fact that someone actually has a past, rosy or not, that person should not be involved with someone who has a past.

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Have to put my vote in for the last 2 posters. I've been married for over 10 years. Hubby has some pics with old gf's in albums, I have pictures with old b/f and even have diaries with many entries on old b/f's etc.

 

Neither one of us have ever asked the other to get rid of them. It wouldn't even occur to us to do that. We've both been married once before and even have pics of ex-spouses.

 

A love that insecure won't last in my opinion. I also think it has to do with maturity. When you're more mature you understand what REALLY matters. And those things don't or shouldn't. I hope you don't say anything to him. It will make you look insecure, jealous (without a real cause) and immature. Be grown up about it. I think you will push him away if you insist he get rid of things from his past.

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LucreziaBorgia

Maybe he could just leave him at his parent's house? That way he gets to keep them and they are still at 'home' so to speak, tucked away with the rest of his memories from past times.

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Yes, you are being extremely unreasonable. A person is entitled to keep mementoes of his past and it is not your business to order him to get rid of them. I agree with the others that it shows great immaturity to be jealous of someone's past to that extent.

 

Like D'Arthez, I'd drop someone who asked me to get rid of my memories because it would tell me that that person is far too immature and insecure to be in a healthy relationship.

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The opposing opinions are interesting. More a reflection on the approaches we take than the issue of photos of exes. As I said in my post "He may see no harm in......", I am aware that some people view it like this. I am of the view that if they are meaningless why keep them?

 

Two questions to RP/d'arthez/Hot Coco, if your SO brought a box of old shoes with them to your new place and said they reminded them of all the good walks they'd had...... would that be odd?

 

What if they brought trophies they had won in some form of competition with them... would that be odd?

 

I have things around me that remind me of the things I won and they generate memories of the feeling of triumph and achievement. I do relive the experience, the feelings and emotions of the moment. I was clearing out a cupboard just the other day and found an old coat, in the pocket was a receipt for a present I bought my ex years ago. I looked at it and remembered all the feelings associated with it. I threw it away, I would have hated for my present gf to have found it. I have no idea if she would be upset but I would never do anything as insensitve as keep meaningless things aound me as I understand how SOME people feel about this, when I move on I move on completely.

 

To the people who have no problem with this I say well done as long as it works both ways and all are happy. I wish I were that secure in my relationships, but there are those among us who view this as a kind of emotional threat.

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I looked at it and remembered all the feelings associated with it.

 

I find that unusual. I look at the mementoes I have and they are just reminders of events in my life. I certainly don't feel the same feelings I had when I got them and certainly looking at photos doesn't evoke any feelings of either affection or loss for the exes. What's past is past in terms of feelings so nobody should be threatened by them. They are just the visual accompaniment to my personal biography. I'm well aware that memory grows dimmer as one ages and I keep my mementoes so that my past won't be a big gap as years go by.

 

If you still long for your exes, then the photos aren't your problem; not getting over your exes is.

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Two questions to RP/d'arthez/Hot Coco, if your SO brought a box of old shoes with them to your new place and said they reminded them of all the good walks they'd had...... would that be odd?

It would a bit odd. As shoes generally do not serve for the function of remembering and organizing the past, or showing what happened at a particular time. Photographs do.

 

What if they brought trophies they had won in some form of competition with them... would that be odd?

A trophy for any event is indeed much more likely to serve the function that is normally attributed to photographs. And acquired by doing something a person likes to do.

Think of dancing for instance. I cannot see why a person should pretend not to have danced or anything in competitions because someone cannot handle the fact that a person danced in the past. And dancing by no means requires a romantic partner, to dance with.

 

Counter question: would you apologize, over and over again to your SO, if that particular SO was not the first to receive oral sex? Intercourse? Was not the first to go golfing with you? Was not the first to go to the local drive-through with you?

Why not? I mean, if you have such issues with an SO having experienced something and someone other than you, why not let yourself be ritualistically cleansed of the past, in order to "enjoy" a relationship wherein two people may not have a past other than with each other.

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I don't blame you for feeing this way .. It is personally normal that you should get mad about him bringing them in your new place together.. I got rid of the ones i had of my ex what's the need in having pics of someone that you no longer want or need momento 's or not!! I don't think your being unreasonable at all.. I'm a jealous person and i don't want no other womens pictures no where in my home!!! Ask him nicely not to bring them !!! Let him leave them where they are or trash them!!

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Thats cool Outcast, thats how it works for you. I respect your attitude, but thats not how it works for everyone. I guess even those that know on an intellectual level that photos etc are not a direct threat to them it still feels odd to be confronted with it.

 

It has happened to me, when a gf hands you a photo album and runs through the pics then suddenly says "Don't turn the next page! Its one of my exes and me" and takes the album back....

Another gf handed me some loose pictures and there was one in there that was of her ex, when I came to it I asked who is this? She nearly died of blushing!! These were two people who considered it ok to keep these mementoes but they were the ones who were embarressed, not me, and I am the one with the 'bin it attitude', which incidentally I only apply to myself these days. I understand I have no right to insist on what another should do or should keep.

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"Counter question: would you apologize, over and over again to your SO, if that particular SO was not the first to receive oral sex? Intercourse? Was not the first to go golfing with you? Was not the first to go to the local drive-through with you?

Why not? I mean, if you have such issues with an SO having experienced something and someone other than you, why not let yourself be ritualistically cleansed of the past, in order to "enjoy" a relationship wherein two people may not have a past other than with each other."

 

No I don't consider apologising every time I go down on my gf! LOL. Its not about being the first... I also don't consider reminding her that she is not the first girl I have had either.

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Why not? I mean, if you have such issues with an SO having experienced something and someone other than you, why not let yourself be ritualistically cleansed of the past, in order to "enjoy" a relationship wherein two people may not have a past other than with each other."

 

Well if two people have that level of crushing insecurity, then one can only hope they find each other so they can hold joint exorcisms :rolleyes:

 

You wouldn't be who you are now if you hadn't had your past; trying to wipe it out is denying all that made you who you are. I think it's unhealthy to fear others' pasts. Insecurity and jealousy are extremely unattractive traits to me.

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RecordProducer

I wouldn't drop anyone over their insecurity and I don't think you're extremely unreasonable, I just think your demands are irrelevant to your relationship. So in taht way it's unreasonable. :)

 

I would expect that my BF keeps his pictures in his albums and wears the shoes he wore with his ex or the sweater she gave him for his birthday. It's just things. The only thing I care about is how he feels for me and whether he has feelings left for these women.

 

I have asked my BF to send me pics of his ex-GFs, but I changed my mind when I realized that I might visualize him with them and I wouldn't feel comfortable with that feeling. But the fact that he (probably) keeps pictures of these women doesn't bother me at all.

 

Your BF has decided o live with you so you must mean a lot to him. Did you have any problems scuh as: he was hesitating about moving in with you or he has flirted with other women before or you doubt his fidelity for a good reason, etc.?

 

If he acts like he loves you then you shouldn't worry. We often see the same things with different eyes. I am jealous about one thing while another woman is jealous about another thing. I was jealous of some people and ended up realizing that I was being unreasonable. But the hostile behavior that I regret will never be removed and it may mean more than any memory of previous lovers.

 

Concentrate on the present and future rather than the past with people who will always remain there. I assure you, you have nothing to sweat about. Forget the pictures. :)

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If you're not comfortable with him having those momentos you just need to talk to him about it. I made sure my bf got rid of everything he had that had to do with his ex. it wasnt just from exes but from ONE ex from a couple years ago. It didn't bother me for half the time we were together because he showed me the pictures. It bothered me when I found many many letters and then he was talking to her (no problem) but didn't let me know. AAaand he never kept any of my letters, cards, pictures..(while he was away for a few months). So, I made sure he got rid of her stuff because I didn't find that really fair. So it really depends on the situation. If there is no problem coming out of his momentos and the only problem is you having a problem the solution has to come within you. And if you still can't deal with him having them, get rid of them.

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You need to be true to your feelings if it is going to be a problem to you, but personally I think it is unreasonable. If my BF tried to make me throw out all of the love letters that my ex wrote me over the last 3 years I would be MAD! They are from an important part of my past, which is over over over and my BF knows that, but I am not going to get rid of them just because it is over, I like to have reminders of my past and it isn't like I sit there reading them and crying every night. My feelings for my ex are dead, but I know that when I am old I will be happy to have those momentos of my first love. I wouldn't dream of making my ex throw out pictures of his exes or stop going to Search and Rescue because his ex is in it too.... heck, he started building a little house for his ex and and she left and he stopped working on it much, but now that he is in a serious relationship again he wants to finish it so we will have a place to be together... I am not gonna say "no, I won't stay there with you because the 1st half of the house was for her".... everyone has a past that has made them who they are and exes are a big part of us... now, if he was attached to that past in a way that was affecting your relationship, I would say that it deffinitely wouldn't be unreasonable to call him on it..... but if he keeps it in its proper place as the past, then don't sweat it.... BTW if I was with someone that was really bothered by reminders of the past then I would deffinitely be open to compromising with them such as storing my stuff somewhere else or whatever....

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"But it's not her place to get rid of them."

 

Correct IMO.

 

"now, if he was attached to that past in a way that was affecting your relationship"

 

How would you tell Tangerina?

 

People do carry torches for people. Ever heard of the people who get back together after many years apart? "The One", maybe that got away.

 

There is no right or wrong on an issue like this. Its all about how two people negotiate their lives together.

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I'd sooner she have pix of an ex than still have the undies that were around under his reign... I remember one time my g/f tried to put the moves on me in an outfit that her HS b/f bought -- that was a turn-off.

 

Personally, it's not worth your time to be THAT irritated about it.

 

Having the pictures up on a wall, in an album publicly available or where he sets aside time more than once a year to reminice -- that's too much. There is a point at which, if he has 6 volumes of past g/f memories catalogued, you end up feeling like nothing more than Volume 7.

 

Cr@p that's in a shoe box that no one looks at for years? That's no problem (other than notes about sex -- no reason for those to stick around).

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I don't see why these pictures would bother you. They are history that has nothing to do with your love. I think you shouldn't start your new phase (living together) with nagging about irrelevant things. That will bring bitter taste in his mouth. It's not like he is keeping these pictures on his desk or next to his pillow. They are just in the album as memories. Do you want him to erase his memories?

 

 

Nicely phrased, RP.

 

And here's a little secret in case it never occurred to anyone. Both men and women like to think about the good sex they had in the past as well as what they are currently getting. It's all part of our little imaginations. So stop feeling guilty and think about the times you were boffing your exes, stare wistfully into those pictures on the sly, and get over it. Next you will be irritated that he is fantasizing about some girl on the subway. But the question is, why aren't you fantasizing yourself? If that woman in those pictures was such a keeper, why isn't she there and not you? She isn't better and she is outta there. Smirk at her picture just for fun. "He's mine now, beyotch. Ha ha ha."

 

I used to burn old photos of my exes, but after a while I stopped. Now the old photos are mixed in with all of the other ones, only to be looked at once every few years for no other reason than you are moving and want to throw things out.

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Milo, you have the same name as my rat... he is a great little rat... I am sorry that this has nothing to do with the topic, I just love the name Milo... I got it from The Phantom Tollbooth....

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