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Her jealousy and insecurity drive me nuts


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I am 40 and divorced. 7 year old son.

 

She is 30, no children.

 

First the good. She has always been there for me. She is a hard worker. Not flaky. Attractive. Etc. She also really loves my son. We have been together about two years.

 

For the past few months we have been fighting a lot. She wanted to move in with me, but due to the fighting she got her own lease on an apartment.

 

Also, for the past 6 months I have been involved in a child custody battle with my ex wife who moved to another state. I ended up winning, but it has been super stressful. I now have my son full time, which just started 2 weeks ago.

 

It got to a point where seemingly daily, she finds something to be jealous and upset about. This turns me off, and I do not want to be intimate with her.

 

Some examples:

 

During the court case “oh you talked to your lawyer a lot yesterday?” My attorney is a woman.

 

So then when things are good and relaxing at home “ oh, I know why you have that cup. It must be your ex wife’s and you are keeping it to remember her”

 

“I got your mail and I saw an advertiser pamphlet with your ex wife’s name! I can’t be with you or live with you if you get her mail”. (This was texted to me right before I get home from work. I didn’t ask her to go through my mail I can’t control the mail and haven’t been with ex wife in years.

 

And even the day I won custody! Was on the stand for 4 hours. Case went on for 6 months. I was the happiest guy on earth. I get home and she is like “I was going through your sons iPad and noticed a bookmarked site that must have been relating to your ex wife. You still must be in love with her”

 

I try to point out all of that to her. And how it makes me feel. And all she can say is “well it’s because you don’t tell me you love me enough, and have sex enough, so I am insecure”

 

But in my mind, I have a business. Now my son full time. And I can’t consume the energy every single day to argue about totally insignificant things.

 

Or recently she wanted to help clean my house when I was at work. Then she starts texting me all upset “I saw you hid the snow globe I got your son under the cabinet!” “I also saw you kept a piece of paper with your sons friends mom name and number”.

 

If my phone lights up anytime she is worried. So I basically don’t use my phone at home. I don’t go out to bars. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. But it just gets worse and worse.

 

Is the above very extreme behavior on her end? Is this somehow my fault for not telling her I love her all the time?

 

Run? Work on it? And from what I gather she was like this with other people also. Not just me.

Edited by Nicklb
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She just doesn't get it,.. what it's like to be a parent, a divorced parent in a court battle, now a full time parent. She's not cut out for this type of arrangement or lifestyle. She is used to being the focus of a relationship...now it's all starting to unravel. Sorry but this relationship has run it's course. IMO she not mature enough to handle it....a little too selfish.

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Thank goodness she does not live inn your home. Heck I feel for you, the jealous types are a real job to live with. Unless she is willing to get some help for these issues you may find yourself growing pretty resentful constantly walking on egg shells. What's likely to happen when there is interaction with the Ex due to your guys son? A major blow perhaps?

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You'll never fix here. It will just be her insecurity talking, nag, nag, nag, until the end of the world. I guess she's gotten away with it because she's attractive, etc.

 

I wouldn't want to live like that.

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She is 30 single with no children, she no doubt resents and hates your ex as everything she does is tainted by the ex who got in there first.

It is often why single people do not want to date divorcees and especially those with kids as the ex is ever present, always in her face reminding her she is "less than", the second string, the B team..

Here you were going to progress the relationship into a live in arrangement but you called it off. More "less than" thoughts. You married and had a child with the ex, you will not even live with her... I guess she is also not best pleased you got your son full time either. How can she be the centre of your universe when your ex's son has grabbed the centre stage? Jealousy and insecurity reigns.

 

Relationships need to progress, it stalled when you reneged on the moving in deal and now the son is complicating things too.

I doubt you can recover from that.

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I think this is retroactive jealousy. In you she has found what she believes is the one. Problem is you had this whole other life before her that will always be very important to you. No matter what your relationship with your ex wife is like she will always be important to you, if for nothing else but her being your son's mother.

 

Then there is your son, your career a shift In custody means a shift in lifestyle. I believe she is trying to figure out where she fits in. Couple that with your unwillingness to make a commitment to her and she is acting out.

 

I believe if you say her dont and explained to her how important she is to you and you see a future (if you actually do) it will settle her down.

 

Very rarely is a womans jealousy baseless, misunderstood but not necessarily baseless.

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I dated a man with four children and I used to get jealous all the time, mostly because he was always in connection with his ex-wife. Granted the children were small at the time so I had to understand and accept that.

 

 

Fast forward and the children grew up and he was still in contact with his ex-wife via text or phone calls. When they became teenagers he'd hang out with his kids and take them back home, they'd want him to stay and watch a movie and so he'd stay and sometimes it'd get really late and he'd sleep over on the couch. That made me very jealous and angry.

 

 

I found out through some text messages that while drunk he sexted her inviting her to have a romp in the hay with him while we were in a relationship. It hurt me.

 

 

I don't want to date a man with children again (I don't care about the pool getting smaller, I'll date younger men).

 

 

I think it's important to have boundaries with the ex-wife, to make sure your significant other feels important in the new relationship, always be in communication, tell her he loves her and appreciates her. It goes a long way, but if it's just "you have to understand" YOUR world, she feels diminished because it's like she is nothing to you and since she's not a parent that will always make her less than.

 

 

She might be better off dating a man with no kids or close ex's.

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She might be better off dating a man with no kids or close ex's.

 

Agreed.

She is single, I guess she doesn't really need someone else's married baggage.

 

She has made it pretty clear what is wrong.

 

...all she can say is “well it’s because you don’t tell me you love me enough, and have sex enough, so I am insecure”
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Yes, she doesn't know where she fits into his life. I dont know that it warrants ending the relationship just yet. I think OP could see a shift in her behavior if he let her know where she stands.

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mark clemson

My guess is she has an "insecure" attachment style as well or some tendencies towards that at least. Suggest you do a bit of internet research on this.

 

My guess is this might be overcome with IC IF she's interested/willing in that and can become more conscious of it and take steps to recognize and counteract her own insecurities.

 

No guarantees of course that she would be livable with for a LTR (but then again there never are). She might be ok if you stayed together, might not. Presumably, it would probably continue to be a roller coaster ride for the short and medium term.

Edited by mark clemson
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Agreed.

She is single, I guess she doesn't really need someone else's married baggage.

 

She has made it pretty clear what is wrong.

 

My ex lives across the country. No issues with her. No sleep overs lol.

 

She is just deeply insecure, probably more so of an ex girlfriend I had.

 

It was me that wouldn’t let her move in.

 

It wasn’t jealousy over my ex. It was any single woman. My attorney. A neighbor. This turned me off. Then she would say “you aren’t attracted to me”.

 

It was the same cycle

Over and over

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Agreed.

She is single, I guess she doesn't really need someone else's married baggage.

 

She has made it pretty clear what is wrong.

 

I suppose either way she should be adult enough to express that, if that is the case. She has been almost stalkerish. In this case it’s not me having a son. Just something that causes her to be irrationally jealous and insecure constantly.

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Let me give an example...

 

After 6 months of hearings, I won my child custody case July 11th.. I was on the stand for 4 hours...

 

I immediately texted her while she is at work to tell her the good news..She works until 5 pm. . This was 2pm...We exchanged about 20 texts... She was coming over that night..

 

Then this happens..

 

1. 3pm. "So are you going to bars to celebrate??" (I haven't been to bars in years)

 

2. 3:10. "Oh ok, I guess you are busy". ( I was talking to my sister bout the case)

 

3. 5:45. She is over and starts with "I was looking at your sons iPad.. I noticed you have sites saved probably related to your ex girlfriend"

 

Like seriously??? All this on the best day of my life??

 

And when this pushes me away she says I broke her heart again.... Like she cant see that her actions are a catalyst..

Edited by Nicklb
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Mrs._December
Agreed.

She is single, I guess she doesn't really need someone else's married baggage.

 

She has made it pretty clear what is wrong.

I have to agree. This is the kind of baggage I avoided like the Black Plague back when I was dating.

 

There's just nothing positive here for the OP's girlfriend at all. As someone else said, she doesn't know where she fits into the OP's life at this point and is acting kind of desperately. Sadly, she'll eventually learn that she's lower on the priority list than she realized - but that won't keep the OP from still expecting her to help him out all the time with his son.

 

Let her go, OP. For HER sake, not for yours.

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I have to agree

 

I can’t focus on my son, work, home AND constantly make her feel secure.

 

We broke up last year for the same reason. I don’t find her physically attractive when she spends her energy going through my things to look for potential cheating.

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She just doesn't get it,.. what it's like to be a parent, a divorced parent in a court battle, now a full time parent. She's not cut out for this type of arrangement or lifestyle. She is used to being the focus of a relationship...now it's all starting to unravel. Sorry but this relationship has run it's course. IMO she not mature enough to handle it....a little too selfish.

 

 

This and probably worse. She doesn't need to have gone through a divorce or have been married to get the stress or nature of what you are going through. She just needs half a brain and some human decency.

 

 

Anyone with half a brain knows how mail works, I still get mail for the previous owner of my house 5 years later. Anyone with half a brain knows your lawyer is the last person you are likely to sleep with, they get disbarred for that kind of thing. etc. etc.

 

 

Anyone with even a modicum of empathy knows someone trying to take away a parents child is one of the most stressful and nightmare scenarios a parent can have. You don't need to have children of your own to realize this.

 

 

Anyone with a modicum of empathy would know the day you won the court battle should be a day for celebration, not one to make it all about them.

 

 

She is not just jealous, and insecure, she has no empathy, it is all about her feelings and her feelings equaling facts. Red flag after red flag in my book.

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It was good while it lasted but now is time you go your separate ways. She is young, doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand parenthood yet, she is selfish just like young people can be selfish in relationships. You need to find a mature woman that understand where you come from. What she is putting you through is simply jealousy, possessiveness, and emotional abuse.

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So this has been going on since day one? dude why? you admit you have been through this before so why? why would you even consider being with someone like that....AGAIN? And come here and post a thread about it? She should have been kicked to the curb a long time ago...like after the 3rd date.

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So this has been going on since day one? dude why? you admit you have been through this before so why? why would you even consider being with someone like that....AGAIN? And come here and post a thread about it? She should have been kicked to the curb a long time ago...like after the 3rd date.

 

At first I could deal with it, then needed space. After the space I thought things might be different.

 

It’s been a hard time recently and it really made me notice. She was always telling me I am her one love in her life etc etc.

 

But when I was possibly only going to see my son 40 days a year I had to fight the case. I had to spend 35 k. Then my dad also in hospice. All while running a business, taking care of my home etc.

 

At that point it really turned me off when she picked days right before I have to testify to start these huge blow ups over nothing.

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At first I could deal with it, then needed space. After the space I thought things might be different.

This is EXACTLY what happened with my ex. She was exactly the same as your girlfriend... turning off my wifi so my phone charges faster brought up the question 'Oh are you turning it off so I don't see if you receive a message from another girl'. Receiving a Happy Christmas message (after about 6 months of no contact at all) from a girl I used to have a thing with... me replying 'Thank you, you too. I'm spending it with my girlfriend' (to make it clear I'm taken) brought up 'Oh why are you still in contact with her after all this time how long have you still been talking etc'.

 

We went on a 'break' as it was too much. After the break I thought things would be different but the last straw was when I went to see her again and she found a selfie on my phone and asked why I didn't send it to her. I told her because I didn't like the way my hair looked, which was 100% the truth. 'Oh if you didn't send it to me then maybe you sent it to another woman??'.

 

After that I knew it would never work. Few days later broke up with her. It was very sad as apart from her insecurities things were really good and I hoped we would be together for ever. I just hope the experience helped her to not make the same mistake in her current new relationship and I truly wish she is happy as she is a very kind and humble person inside, but it just wasn't meant to be unfortunately.

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After that I knew it would never work. Few days later broke up with her. It was very sad as apart from her insecurities things were really good and I hoped we would be together for ever. I just hope the experience helped her to not make the same mistake in her current new relationship and I truly wish she is happy as she is a very kind and humble person inside, but it just wasn't meant to be unfortunately.

 

Exactly...

 

it got to the point where I had to have all notifications OFF on my phone just to avoid a fight.. Absolutely no girls ever text me, but random work texts, calls etc..

 

And one day just picking up my phone led her to go into "You know what is really sad, when a woman is playing with your son and you are texting other girls".

 

Or "I saw you get a text 2 nights ago as your phone lit up.. Who was it?" Well it was the battery notification light, as all my notifications are off.. She didn't believe me... Went on for hours.

 

Then I am sick... We are watching a movie... She goes to make me tea.. Then is telling me I kept this certain mug (no idea where is it from), because I am in love with my ex girlfriend ( a girl I haven't thought of for years)

 

Just daily, always something. And it is sad... But she doesn't see it AT ALLL.. How that makes someone feel.

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@Nicklb....

 

 

I feel for you, I know exactly how you feel. The thought of one day living together, having to go through my phone every day on the way home just to clear anything on it that MIGHT give her a wild idea something was going on (it never was 100%) made me realise this is not what I want for the rest of my life, I don't deserve this! Doing nothing wrong but still making us feel like we are.

 

 

Unfortunately I don't think your girlfriend will realise how it's making you feel until she loses you and sees that breaking up for good was the consequence of her actions.

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Unfortunately I don't think your girlfriend will realise how it's making you feel until she loses you and sees that breaking up for good was the consequence of her actions.

 

Well she already sensed it, and started with "You used me when you needed me.. Now you dumped me again! I would have loved you and your son forever"

 

I didn't break up with her, but I did pull away.

 

The last episode was that she said she wanted to pick my son up from the bus last Friday. And that she would take off work..

 

It turned out I had off that Friday.. So during the day I texted her "I can get him at the bus today. I am off anyway if you don't want to leave work"

 

That turned into "Oh, you are ashamed of me? Oh, you don't want me to get your son??? Fine!!!! I won't talk to you or see you until next Wednesday when I can pick him up!"

 

I then told her she could pick him up, but I was just trying to help.. She was furious, said it was too late etc etc..

 

So at that point I didn't text much until Wednesday. Which led to "You dumped me again! You aren't fighting for me!!!!'

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So at that point I didn't text much until Wednesday. Which led to "You dumped me again! You aren't fighting for me!!!!'

 

 

If you don't break up with her than it's true that men love crazies.

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I think with her type of personality she is probably talking to or seeing someone else already. No proof. Just a feeling. No break up really necessary.

 

She did write me an email stating I broke her heart. Never again. If I don’t want her in my family then she will find a different one. I am seemingly incapable of loving her and my son. I was always annoyed with her etc

 

 

It truly becomes walking on eggshells after a while.

 

And we never even had a real conversation about it. It just wasn’t possible.

 

It was me explaining how her actions made me feel. Then her saying why she did those things lol. “Well if you would hug me more, I wouldn’t accuse you of sleeping with your attorney”. Etc etc

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