jeremyjacobs Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 I saw a girl friend of mine last night - someone I have hooked up with in the past. I really like her and I know she really likes me, we've hung out one on one a few times but whenever it starts to move forward, she shuts down and stops talking to me. I asked her about this last night, and she very clearly admitted that she likes me, but also said that she has an insecurity that men only want her for sex. She asked me 'do you want to **** me'. I said, yes, obviously but that's not all I want to do. She said 'I think you should find someone else to fancy'. I don't want to take her at her word. I know she likes me so how do I convince her that I am interested in more than just sex with her without overdoing it? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 Leave her alone, she told you where she stands. " 'I think you should find someone else to fancy'." This is just another version of "I have a bf" or "I'm too busy" or "I just see you as a friend"... She is telling you to back off. She may like you but she is NOT "romantically" interested in you, she doesn't see you as relationship material. She is being kind, persist and she may not be so kind... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 21, 2019 Author Share Posted July 21, 2019 what's the difference between liking someone and being romantically interested in them? Feel like that's splitting hairs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 When I was very young there were men's magazines and the women displayed within were amazingly desirable. Soft, curvy, and alluring they were hot and they knew it. Then I made the mistake of listening to a few of them try to hold a conversation and my fantasy world crashed down all around me. Tell her to give you a call when she has two active neurons to rub together. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 what's the difference between liking someone and being romantically interested in them? Feel like that's splitting hairs. Plenty guys I like, but I do not want to sleep with them... Big difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 21, 2019 Author Share Posted July 21, 2019 like them in what way? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 As a friend, as someone interesting to talk to, fun to be around... etc. etc. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 You may have blown it. When she asked you if you wanted to **** her, you needed to say something else other then yes. You should have said something about wanting to date her & hoping that a physical relationship was part of it because she's so interesting & beautiful. She wanted to hear that you like HER, the person, not just her the body available to bring you physical pleasure. This girl has low self esteem. She gives away sex on a NSA basis then cries that she can't get a BF. She's a mess. At this point I would suggest the old standby of flowers accompanied by a card. Say something like: When you asked me about my intentions the other day I was too blunt. I do enjoy the physical aspects of our relationship but that's because I like you. I think you are smart & funny {use whatever compliments work that aren't physical}. Forgive me if I misspoke. I think there can be so much more to us then just a carnal relationship. Please let me prove it to you. Have dinner with me on Friday at {nice place} You are going to have to step up to prove that you want more then sex from this girl. Take her on a great romantic date. Then end the evening with a chaste kiss & go home. Do not sleep with her no matter what. Seriously wait at least a month to get back in her. You have to prove that you like her. If you are not willing to put in that effort, leave her alone. You also can't fix this with a text message, IM or email. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 Is this the same woman you wrote about on your last thread? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 21, 2019 Author Share Posted July 21, 2019 different one Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 There was no right answer to her question. Sure she likes you but to her you are not BF material. She doesn't mind a role in the hay once in awhile, but that's it. She's keeping her options open for what she really wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 Again - I don't see the difference. She likes me, she's into me, she fancies me. There's no denying it. She told me she has a complex, thinking guys only like her for her looks. That isn't true for me - I want to prove that to her. How can i go about doing that without being overly attainable? Also, I've never slept with this girl. I kissed her once when we were at uni but I never took it further because she was a in a bit of a promiscuous at the time, and ended up with a few of my mates. A lot of time has passed since then and every time we see each other now there's a hum of sexual tension between us. We always, always connect. I've tried to move it forward a few times but she always goes quiet. She has acknowledged this before. She'll say she doesn't want to ruin a friendship, she'll say she thinks I'm only in it for sex. All invented reasons, I think. She likes me and I like her, so we should have a crack. Not sure it's more complicated than that. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 I don't think she likes you the way you believe she does, OP. She has shut down any attempt to get to know her more. She has invented different reasons because you're evidently not taking the hint. Stop before she tells you to bugger off more directly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 If she slept with your mates but not you, then that tells you something. She doesn't find you attractive in a sexual way... I guess the "sexual hum" is all in your head. You try to heat things up, she always goes quiet and shuts you down - i.e. she doesn't like you "in that way". You are projecting how you feel onto her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 She has told me several times that she does like me, though. She behaves like she likes me. She looks at me like she likes me. She sulks when other girls talk to me. I don't need to get to know her - I know her well. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 She is being kind, persist and she may not be so kind... Stop before she tells you to bugger off more directly. ^^^ This^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 She'll say she doesn't want to ruin a friendship. She would rather have you as a friend then a lover. Stop trying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 She has told me several times that she does like me, though. She behaves like she likes me. She looks at me like she likes me. She sulks when other girls talk to me. I don't need to get to know her - I know her well. Not if she is rejecting your advances she doesn't, no. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 Then why say that she does?! I asked her why she always goes cold on me (with a smile, of course) and she said because she's suspicious that i only want to '**** her'. She could have just gone and said 'I only like you as a friend', but she didn't. I'm being crazy for taking her at her word but somehow I'm supposed to infer the exact opposite of what she's saying? Her friend told me that she had a crush on me and the girl in question spent the whole rest of the night sulking, until I called her out on it, at which point she sat with me for an hour and told me deep personal secrets, and told me again that she likes me. Again - not the behaviour of someone who isn't interested. The cognitive dissonance here is starting to drive me mad. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 Because she likes the attention. As a young woman, just in college, she also hasn't learned to trust herself or be definitive when speaking. Seriously, when faced with a person who runs hot & cold, like her, always assume the worst case for you. Here, that would be she doesn't like you. I hate to say it because it's game playing but as soon as you get a new GF, she will be even more attracted to you. Since I put little faith in the longevity of most college romances once that runs it's course you may have a better shot with her. Then again, if luck is with you, the new relationship will help you learn what a head case she really is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 How old is this woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jeremyjacobs Posted July 22, 2019 Author Share Posted July 22, 2019 Because she likes the attention. As a young woman, just in college, she also hasn't learned to trust herself or be definitive when speaking. Seriously, when faced with a person who runs hot & cold, like her, always assume the worst case for you. Here, that would be she doesn't like you. I hate to say it because it's game playing but as soon as you get a new GF, she will be even more attracted to you. Since I put little faith in the longevity of most college romances once that runs it's course you may have a better shot with her. Then again, if luck is with you, the new relationship will help you learn what a head case she really is. We're not at college. We met at college. We're in our mid-20s now. We're good friends but we know we like each other and it is a hugge characteristic of our friendship - the underlying attraction. We get nervous around each other. I even said to her in this same conversation - 'if you don't like me it can only be that you like attention'. She said 'is that really the conclusion that you've come to after all this time, that I just like attention?' - I've considered that possibility many, many times over. So when she said it's not that, I do like you. I said well ehy resist when it starts to move forward, which is when she asked me if I want to **** her. We have both been in and out of relationships with other people throughout our friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 That makes it even worse. She has no clue about what she wants & is playing games. Just walk away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 I think she knows exactly what she wants and it is not the OP, not as a lover anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 22, 2019 Share Posted July 22, 2019 OP - the bottom line is that it should not be a matter of trying to convince someone to go out with you. When it's this hard to even get to the first date, it's a lost cause. Move on so you can find a woman who is not such a headache. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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