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GF thinks Im cheating or interested in other girls


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Sobekhotep

Hello every one, my first post here. And first I want to apologize if my english is broken.

 

Although Im in my early thirties Im not very experienced in relationships or how to deal with certain things, hence seeking online forum for help.

 

I've been with this girl for 2 years, then we broke up, and after less than 1 year we got back together this January, and things have been going pretty good. But now she is really upset because I liked and commented some pictures of girls who are friends of mine on facebook. Not the "thumbs up" likes or comments, but the heart ones. Well it something that I sorta always done without ever thinking too much about it, with no second intentions behind it, but I can totally undestand the other person who am with might get pissed. But having said for a thousand times that I meant nothing by commenting with those particular smiles, and having said for a thousand times that I never ever had anything with those girls. I also told her i would stop immediately. But she refuses to believe me and says she can't trust me 100%...

 

Now this is taking an emotional toll on me, and I seriously dont know how to handle it. In the end I just told to her that there is no point repeating myself over and over and over, and that within a day or two we should talk again.

 

Of course i completely see her side, but it hurts being acused of being a cheater and a dishonest person. Its a heavy cross to burden, specially in the eyes of the person you are dating.

 

What shoud I do? wait a few days? then what? What is the best way to approach her and make her realize I didnt do the things she thinks I did?

 

Kind regards

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Sobekhotep
Why did you break up before, OP?

 

Hello,

 

I felt she was a bit distant and cold, like not returning phone calls or replying to my messages. She agreed that she wasn't super happy either. I was getting a bit too clingy and decided it would be better to stop.

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ExpatInItaly

Do you have any reason to think she might be projecting and is actually the one being unfaithful herself?

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PegNosePete
she refuses to believe me and says she can't trust me 100%...

Then, I would simply ask her what she is going to do about it.

 

You have done everything you can. You shouldn't change your perfectly normal and acceptable behaviour, to try to appease her irrational fears. If you do then she will just keep making more and more demands, and you will never please her. You just have to act like a normal, reasonable person (which you are already doing) and it is up to her to trust you or not.

 

And yes, it's possible she's projecting, ie. she was unfaithful and she is worried about you doing the same. That is quite common.

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Sobekhotep

I have no reason to believe she cheated, but I am aware that projection is something people do to shift blame and feel better about themselves.

 

But thats the thing.. I'm with her so I trust her.

 

I get that someone gets upset if their significat other likes or comment with heart emojis other girl's photos, but in her eyes the only reason I did that is because I want something from them.

 

 

I'm trying to act normal now, do things I normaly always do. I sent her a good morning message like I often do. Im a sucker :(

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PegNosePete
I'm trying to act normal now, do things I normaly always do. I sent her a good morning message like I often do. Im a sucker :(

Acting normal is exactly what you should be doing. Keep putting hearts all over facebook if that is what you want to do. There is nothing wrong with doing that.

 

If/when she acts abnormally (ie. distrusting you for no reason), you should point out that it's her problem not yours, and ask her what she plans to do about her irrational fears. You can probably say it in a more delicate manner though ;)

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Sobekhotep

Hello PegNosePete, thank your for taking the time to reply

 

Yes, I've been very kind and patient with her, and also avoided acussing her of anything. I told her Im on her side. As for the hearts, I will stop doing that since it is something that she clearly doesnt like, so I'd rather not do it at all.

 

If she continues with these accusations, I wlil tell her what you suggested.

 

Thanks again,

Kind regards

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Sobekhotep
Don’t enable her tantrums, OP.

 

I see.. but how? Say immediately that its her problem and not apologize?

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Hello PegNosePete, thank your for taking the time to reply

 

Yes, I've been very kind and patient with her, and also avoided acussing her of anything. I told her Im on her side. As for the hearts, I will stop doing that since it is something that she clearly doesnt like, so I'd rather not do it at all.

 

If she continues with these accusations, I wlil tell her what you suggested.

 

Thanks again,

Kind regards

 

 

If you want a future with this girl then definitely do NOT keep putting hearts on other girls comments. That'll just make things a whole lot worse for you and you really don't want to piss her off further. It's a woman thing. Some women aren't bothered by it, but some get insecure about it. Stick with not doing it anymore and keep reassuring her until it blows over. You will get back on track again, if that's what you want.

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ExpatInItaly
I see.. but how? Say immediately that its her problem and not apologize?

 

That's a start, if you genuinely don't feel you've done something wrong. There's room for understanding and compromise, of course, but she isn't meeting you half-way. So quit apologizing.

 

Let her send you the good morning texts, too. You're chasing after someone who is behaving like a child. That will only reinforce this behaviour in the future. She knows that if she pouts and puts her finger in her ears you will dance for her attention.

 

See how that works?

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OK ya you explained yourself, and you told her that you will correct the matter, and accept there should be a boundary about things like that. BUT now she's acting like a jerk to punish you...well you simple stop defending yourself, and tell her that matter is done, and want to go forward. If she has anymore to say about it, you will walk away. And yes back off until she treats you better. As soon as she starts up, you end conversation quickly....be firm!

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OK ya you explained yourself, and you told her that you will correct the matter, and accept there should be a boundary about things like that. BUT now she's acting like a jerk to punish you...well you simple stop defending yourself, and tell her that matter is done, and want to go forward. If she has anymore to say about it, you will walk away. And yes back off until she treats you better. As soon as she starts up, you end conversation quickly....be firm!

 

Solid advice. Thank you!

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To update the story:

 

I let her cool down for a few days, then I sent her a text asking her to go out on a date. She admited she was actting a "bit over the top", but then... the exact same argument started all over again. Turns out she spent the whole goddamn week going through all my facebook history looking for "evidence" to use against me. I was so fed up with her bull**** that I simply stopped caring, called my friends and went out to have some beer. Came back and she was stll complaining lol

 

I'm not even mad or sad anymore, I'm just numb. She is crazy. FML for loving her..

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She obviously doesn't trust you, so your answer is to go out for a beer with your friends and you are now surprised she has not let it go...

You poured gasoline on it.

 

What is the real reason she doesn't trust you an inch?

 

I guess it is because you dumped her before and now she feels you will do it again. In her eyes you are already hunting for other women...

Heart emojis - what were you thinking?

This is one reason second chances rarely work out, the dumped lose trust.

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ExpatInItaly

I would end it, OP.

 

She does not trust you whatsoever, and is resorting to inventing "evidence" where there isn't any. It will be impossible to keep this woman happy. My ex-boyfriend was like this, and it doesn't get better. Your damned if you do, damned if you don't, so to speak.

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Heart emojis - what were you thinking?

 

I wasn't thinking, and I apologized and I said would not do that again. She called me names, and whole lot of other things. I know she talks with other guys, is good friend with exes, and I not mad about it like she is.

 

I guess it is because you dumped her before and now she feels you will do it again

 

I didn't dump her, we ended. Most people would already have walked way but Im still here taking her bull****. She, however, kept saying it was over, and whenever I asked she really meant that she dodged that question.

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Your damned if you do, damned if you don't, so to speak.

 

Exactly, hence why I simply stopped. In still here if she wants to really talk (unlikely), but Im not waiting forever.

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I was getting a bit too clingy and decided it would be better to stop.

 

Sounds like it was your decision to actually end it..

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Sounds like it was your decision to actually end it..

 

She agreed with my sentiment, and also agreed it woud be better for the both of us to stop. So yes I initiated the break up, but I woud say in the end it was mutual, no?

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To update the story:

 

I let her cool down for a few days, then I sent her a text asking her to go out on a date. She admited she was actting a "bit over the top", but then... the exact same argument started all over again. Turns out she spent the whole goddamn week going through all my facebook history looking for "evidence" to use against me. I was so fed up with her bull**** that I simply stopped caring, called my friends and went out to have some beer. Came back and she was stll complaining lol

 

I'm not even mad or sad anymore, I'm just numb. She is crazy. FML for loving her..

 

It's a major red flag when she spends so much time obsessively looking for evidence. Why is she so desperate to find something? She sounds all kinds of crazy if i'm honest. Things will only get worse further down the line. Can you live like that?

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Can you live like that?

 

I don't know... I have never been through any of this before. I'm trying to keep my cool, I love her. I told her Im on her team. I don't know if I'm just fooling myself. It its going to be like this, then no, I dont want it.

 

Anyway.. "this too, shall pass".

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ExpatInItaly
She agreed with my sentiment, and also agreed it woud be better for the both of us to stop. So yes I initiated the break up, but I woud say in the end it was mutual, no?

 

Regardless of who initiated the break-up, it does not give her license to hurl baseless accusations at you, call you names, and pick through your social media accounts for anything she can use against you.

 

It is one thing to feel insecure after a previous break-up. It's also one thing to come to your partner when they do something that triggers you (such as these heart emojis) It's another thing to continue to berate him when he tries to meet you half-way. It's doesn't give her permission to behave in an obsessive fashion, hell-bent on convicting you of something you did not do.

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