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Is this a trust issue or paranoia issue?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 10th March 2019, 11:01 PM   #1
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Exclamation Is this a trust issue or paranoia issue?

I witnessed my 'committed' boyfriend taking the phone number of a bartender at a small venue event on our date. I was alarmed after he stopped participating meaning standing with me, dancing and being a part of the scene on our night out. After. he delivered a beverage, he left me for the third time. I followed in the direction to the bar to witness the buxom blond bartender slipping a bar napkin to him. He looked like he conquered Mt Everest. I followed behind him and he realized I probably saw what happened and nonchalantly said "she could help Christian", his schzephenic 27 yr old son. But, as much as he tried to hide it, it was apparent he was smitten by her. I tried to push this down for a bit without mentioning my suspicions because I felt I was being paranoid and a petty jealous woman. My gut and senses, intuition told me different. I had a sudden sinking feeling that after 5 yrs with this man, I was being sidelined for a new interest. So, I decided to observe his behavior over the next 9 months till this very day. The dots have all been connected and my instincts appear to be correct. It's too long of a story. So, I'll try to be brief. He has kept his relationship secret since this music event meeting June 2018 and only revealed he had a important girlfriend by asking 6 months later: "how I do feel about him having ' girl friend'. It was nonchalant, but the timing of other comments about giving appropriate gift to her such as the earrings he was looking at online when I happened to sit down. I gave my approval. In Sept, he revealed he was looking for purchase of home. But, the home was near the area of his new 'girl friend' which became apparent in January as he drove me past her home saying he was concerned about a lingering illness and if her car was present he would have liked to stop by. But, it was his agitation and unusual 'need' to check in. It's almost like he has glazed eyeballs in anticipation and emotional need to care for her now. There's more coincidences that popped up as well. The shocking part of this story was the deceit I witnesse 2 days before and on Valentine Day morning: Worry over a package he was anticipating 'before' Valentine's Day and secretly wrapping the present when I wasn't visible (we have a loft bedroom with dressing area). He hid the present in his pocket and took me to a mall saying we would look for a place for Lunch. The real reason he took this route was to 'deliver' the present to the 'girlfriend'. We did not eat at the mall as he abruptly and awkwardly decided to go elsewhere. No explanation or revelation of what he was doing and why the entire episode. I was shocked to say the least and very hurt. He actually told me he had forgotten Valentine's Day, after I witnessed his wrapping of his new 'girlfriend's gift'. Afterward, he drove me to a familiar reasonably priced Mexican restaurant, nothing special or done with fore thought. I felt maybe he would have rather spent his time with her than me. I could tell he knew I knew and held my hand as we travelled home. I felt belittled and betrayed despite the his compassionate (guilty?) attention. It just seemed shallow, but was appreciated. I'd like to be treated with respect. Finally: I wrote him an email to express fully what I have witnessed and asked him to respond. It's been 2 weeks this coming Monday and nothing. BUT! During this time, he has said and shown that I am number one in is life. He has difficulty dealing with emotional issues and boundaries in our relationship in a verbal manner. So, I intend to get answers in other ways to determine whether I can trust him or not and move on. I'd like to hear your opinion on whether I am making too much of this as in a need to control in an unhealthy manner, jealous feelings that interfere with this true meaning behind a platonic friendship, or I'm simply overly paranoid feeling triggered by what is offered by my boyfriend as a platonic but is more likely an intimate relationship at this point in time?
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Old 10th March 2019, 11:05 PM   #2
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I'm sorry to say but he's not your man. Leave him.
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Old 10th March 2019, 11:16 PM   #3
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Why not just ask him what he gave her as the gift?

Maybe it was a backbrace. You did mention she was a blond with large breasts. That can result in chronic back issues. He's probably just one of those caring sorts of guys who goes out of his way to help busty blond chicks with back issues while forgetting his girlfriend on Valentines Day. Nothing to worry about just keep sending him emails asking him why he's so focused on her while ignoring you, and waiting for him to not respond to them.
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Old 10th March 2019, 11:29 PM   #4
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He's having himself a polygamous relationship. You've known it for a long time. He apparently thinks you'll just look the other way. So you need to decide what you can live with and what you can't.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:42 AM   #5
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I would have dumped this chump that night. You have more than enough evidence to leave this relationship.
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Old 11th March 2019, 1:48 PM   #6
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I appreciate your time and your response. Yes, that certainly was my intention that day. I'm turning 65 this month and I have a lot of experience in remarkable relationships I've had in my life including 27 yrs of marriage to an incredible human being who suddenly died 8 yrs ago. So, I know what true love/respect and commitment is in a 'healthy' relationship. Five years with my current beau has been overall a great love learning experience. I hope to make an unemotional decision and develop a plan after I 'communicate' one on one with my beau. I believe this morning after reflecting on this problem, that I am not overly 'paranoid and that this is definitely a trust issue and very tricky because I don't want to say to my beau he can't have a friend even if, it is the opposite sex. I have many male friends and I'd hate to rope myself with boundaries that are unreasonable. I also feel this woman has been very good for my beau in so many ways and has enhanced a more healthy present and future to our relationship whether he may or may not have betrayed me. He is not verbal about his feelings and I am hoping that calmly discussing his relationship with this woman will clear things up. This is very hard as are all relationships and time and patience have a way of pulling out the truth. Drama isnt necessary when the honest truth can slay the dragon.
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Old 11th March 2019, 5:43 PM   #7
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More than likely he's just going to tell lies. The only way to find the truth is hard evidence. Actions speak louder than words.
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