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Retroactive jealousy


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 8th March 2019, 6:03 PM   #1
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Retroactive jealousy

Good afternoon guys, i hope you are all well.

A bit about me, i am a 35 year old male, been cheated on quite badly by 2 differe t women in the past, had a few jealousy issues as expected but all sorted.

I am now in the early stages of a relationship and all is going amazing, however,

She is very active on social media and i am starting to become a bit obsessed with the amount of guys who liked her pictures on social media, more importantly the amount of times she has liked their pictures in return. I know this was before i came along, but im becoming obsessed with looking, it astounds me the amount of guys pics she has liked, half naked in the gym mirror or just selfies. My heart races yet i feel the need to look for more and more!
Im also now looking to see wnen she is online and just worrying of she is in conversation with any of these guys. How can something that causes mental torture be so obsessive?
Any help or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
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Old 8th March 2019, 6:13 PM   #2
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Is this really retroactive jealousy? Because it sounds more like a possibly valid concern with her current need for attention. Also, an unhealthy need to go pain-shopping on your part.

With the first, I might keep a watchful eye, and if it gets to be too much (and maybe it already has), bail.

With a second, you might want to figure out whether your head's in the right place to pursue any relationship for the time being.
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Old 8th March 2019, 6:32 PM   #3
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Can i add since we got together she hasnt liked any pictures, she is respectful.

I think it is RJ due to me constantly wondering if she met/slept with these guys, is she still attracted to them etc etc
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Old 8th March 2019, 6:38 PM   #4
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Any help or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. .
get off social media. Seriously. Unfriend her. It's making you too crazy.

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Originally Posted by Mcc86 View Post
Can i add since we got together she hasnt liked any pictures, she is respectful.

I think it is RJ due to me constantly wondering if she met/slept with these guys, is she still attracted to them etc etc
You have to realize that this is you having issues because of what your past GFs did. You assume most women are dishonest & you are looking for reasons -- even made up ones that are all in your head -- not to trust your respectful GF.

You need a new mantra: She is not them. She won't do that. Her past is her past. She's dating me now.

I'm not saying total blind faith but for heaven's sake, assess what she is doing since she met you not what she did when she was single or what you fear she might do.
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Old 8th March 2019, 6:47 PM   #5
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Can i add since we got together she hasnt liked any pictures, she is respectful.

I think it is RJ due to me constantly wondering if she met/slept with these guys, is she still attracted to them etc etc
Honestly, you just sound extremely paranoid due to a long past of having been screwed over by two different women.

Retroactive jealousy is more about partners she had in the past and your inability to get over the fact that she had a romantic/sexual past with others before she met you. That's not really your issue now - you're more worried about everything from a 360 degree view. Who she's talking to, who she's looking at, what she's doing online, past, present, future, etc. etc. You're just one huge ball of anxiety.

You say you're all 'sorted' but I don't think you are.

One day you'll have a better grasp on your anxiety, but that day just hasn't come yet. It may just be too early for you to be dating and/or being in a committed relationship.
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Old 8th March 2019, 6:55 PM   #6
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I wouldn't like it either, but if she's not going it anymore, I'd take that as a good sign. But I'd still wonder just exactly how wreckless she is encouraging nude-type photos of strangers on the internet. But I'm old and just think that's stupid. To me, a guy sends me a semi-nude, I'm disgusted about who he is, so that's more what to worry about. What type person she is, how wreckless she may be, if she's encouraging guys just for attention/validation, which is a sign of needing a therapist, really.
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Old 8th March 2019, 10:35 PM   #7
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I probably wouldn't like it, either, and I'm usually more lax about jealousy. When you're in an official relationship, I kinda think both people owe it to the other to be mindful of what they follow and "like" on social media. Liking a photo of someone of the opposite sex isn't inherently disrespectful, but context matters. Someone loses a bunch of weight and wants to share their results with a new photo? Sure, go ahead a like. Some dude-bro simply sharing a shirtless photo because it's "chest day," ehhh, I would wonder why she needs to "like" it.

It goes both ways. A buddy of mine got married about a year ago. They seem like a great fit and happy with each other. But who he follows and "likes" on social media is... well, I probably wouldn't be happy if I were his wife.
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Old 8th March 2019, 11:15 PM   #8
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He did say that she hasn't been liking other guys photos since they got together. OP I'd say you are paranoid, mate. Continuing to obsess over it will work toward manifesting exactly the thing you are worried about by pushing away your partner. She might cheat on you regardless, or might never cheat on you at all. Your past relationships have no influence over that. You have to trust her, for her sake and your own. If you can't do that, you have no business being in a relationship.
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Old 9th March 2019, 8:40 PM   #9
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Yea, seeing your partner's internet activity with other potential males, that is a valid reason to feel jealous. It's good that you are clearly aware of your feelings and you are trying not to let them destroy a relationship that sounds pretty strong.

These question marks will always be there about our partners. Hopefully your partner will prove through her actions that she considers your feelings and that she's the right person for you.
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Old 10th March 2019, 2:16 PM   #10
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You are dating the wrong type of girl. Some guys are OK with having a hot GF that does a lot of social medial stuff, and you just happen to be one who doesn't. You are incompatible. Go find yourself a nice girl somewhere else.
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Old 26th March 2019, 10:35 AM   #11
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You are in the early stages of a new relationship and have been seriously hurt twice before. I would hold off on more emotional investment, I personally am very cautious with people who are attention social media whores.
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Old 26th March 2019, 12:19 PM   #12
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It's a bit attention seeking the level she was doing it before, but she was looking for a bf. Now she has one and has stopped doing it, so I'd try to give her a fair chance.
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Old 29th March 2019, 10:25 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mcc86 View Post
Good afternoon guys, i hope you are all well.

A bit about me, i am a 35 year old male, been cheated on quite badly by 2 differe t women in the past, had a few jealousy issues as expected but all sorted.

I am now in the early stages of a relationship and all is going amazing, however,

She is very active on social media and i am starting to become a bit obsessed with the amount of guys who liked her pictures on social media, more importantly the amount of times she has liked their pictures in return. I know this was before i came along, but im becoming obsessed with looking, it astounds me the amount of guys pics she has liked, half naked in the gym mirror or just selfies. My heart races yet i feel the need to look for more and more!
Im also now looking to see wnen she is online and just worrying of she is in conversation with any of these guys. How can something that causes mental torture be so obsessive?
Any help or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
You are not emotionally ready to be in a new relationship. You have way too much unresolved drama from your past relationships that you're trying to make this woman unpack and sort for you when that should have been done by you a long time ago.

Turn off the social media and unfriend her/stop following her. Not only that, she should block you so that you can't see what she's saying since it impacts you this much. You're just picking the scab of your past relationships by insisting upon looking at her social media and assigning it your fears and insecurities which are not hers to own, sort or deal with. Like I said, they should have been dealt with long before now.

Instead of a girlfriend, you'd do better finding a therapist to help you get past this destructive behavior. Your woman picker isn't working if who you choose makes you feel/act like this.
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Old 5th April 2019, 10:32 AM   #14
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As far as the retroactive jealousy goes, it's harder to move past than people make it out to be. I dealt with it following a messy breakup where a gf cheated on me with a close friend. It can be difficult to get over because it's not a rational reaction; it's an emotional one. The key (for me at least) to getting through it was to remind myself of this fact, avoid rationalizing it and then move forward. It just made it worse if I tossed it around in my head. I would just tell myself "Knock it off. This doesn't lead anywhere good."


In my experience, navigating social media is a double edged sword. A person's behavior on social media can toss out some red-flags and give you an idea of what kind of boundaries the individual has. But, it's also easy to read into some behavior on social media which makes it tricky. You girlfriend's current behavior over social media is certainly a positive one; she proactively established boundaries for the relationship by laying off of the "likes" and gym pics.
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Old 6th April 2019, 11:46 PM   #15
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You're not ready to be out dating--you're still dealing with your ex's treatment of you and punishing this girl for it. That's all this retroactive jealousy is about: trying to re-engineer the past and your unfinished emotional business.



You knew she was on social media and what she was about when you stepped to her and kept stepping to her, so this wasn't sprung on you on Tuesday.
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