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My boyfriend has a female best friend


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 13th February 2019, 7:29 PM   #1
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My boyfriend has a female best friend

Hello everyone. I have been thinking about this for a quite a long time and I realized that I need others opionions.

I started dating a really nice guy in the beginning of November 2018. Let's call him Dave. I am 30, he is 37. He has a 4 years old child with a woman he is not with since 2015. They were together 7 years before they broke up. He told me about his best female friend right in the beginning, but I was not emotionally involved yet so it did not bother me. The more time we spent together, the more I did not like the idea of him having such a close female friend. They have been friends since they were kids. She is 6 years younger so she is 31 now. They grew up together, know each other's family and friends.

My boyfriend had a crush on her more then 10 years ago, but he said it just faded somehow and then he realized that she is not the person he would like to date, but she is good friend because she always helped him through hard times and was always listening to him. They also lived together long time ago, it was my bf, her and her bf. They also lived together last year, for 6 months after she broke up with her boyfriend and did not have any place to go.

I checked her Instagram profile and found many provocative videos from the period, when she lived in my bf's house. Dancing in underwear in his kitchen etc...probably just seeking for attention. He told he was never there, he never saw what she was doing. She is very provocative type of woman...quite cheap look and always flirty and without moral. So I became suspicious and jealous. My bf tried to explain that their friendship is just platonic, but I could not believe that man can have platonic friendship with such a provocative woman. They spent so much time together in his house just together. I felt something is not right.

I told him I can not get over it 2 weeks ago and he said, that he can not stop talking to his friend just because of quite a new relationship (I never said he should stop talk to her). So we broke up. He sent me message few days ago that he is missing me so much and he realized how stupid he was. We met 3 days ago and spoke about everything. I felt quite good about his explanation and he agreed that there are some boundaries needed in their friendship. We met again today and he just told me that when she lived in his house, she offered him sex. He rejected. He told me this now, after 3 months, so I assume he knew that this is something that should not happened in "platonic friendship" so he did not want to tell me, however it just confirmed what I was afraid of.

I mean, apart of that he is really nice boyfriend. Very caring and I believe he is loyal and he would do anything for me. Especially now...we have fun together, take care of each other and same passion for travelling and adventures so I do not want to lose him.

But I do not trust her. And I do not like the idea of her being part of our life. What do you think about their relationship? Is it huge red flag, or am I being crazy?

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Old 13th February 2019, 7:37 PM   #2
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I think if they were ever going to be together, they would have a long time ago. He said he used to have a crush on her but he also said he rejected her sexual advances. I mean, they've known each other an awful long time to really be romantic at this point. I just think if she had a big crush on him all this time, there would already have been opportunity when he had a crush on her 10 years ago. And who knows, maybe they did sleep together.

But he apparently isn't really jealous of her or anything or he'd not be living with her and her bf back then.

It is a bit worrisome that he could only be telling you part of the truth, so I'd press a bit further and say, Well, if you had a crush on her back then and she is offering you sex, what stopped you two from getting together and either trying to see if it would work or just having sex?

Bottom line, it's true you don't throw away an old friend with history for a new person. It's just not merited. But if he's at least admitting there can be some boundaries, sit and talk about what would make you happy. Like her not sending him flirtatious photos or whatever, or him not seeing her without you there. If she's a true friend, she will cooperate to keep him from losing someone he cares about.

I'd dig deeper about the sex part in the past though. I find it hard to believe it never happened.
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Old 13th February 2019, 7:46 PM   #3
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You really like the guy so anyone near him you will feel the pangs of jealousy. That's normal. Like any new relationship, there is an adjustment period where boundaries/corrections needs to be made. It's a process that starts with good communication. Not only you two are adjusting, so will friends in general. As long as you both understand the expectation needed for this relationship to carry on smoothly, you will be fine.
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Old 13th February 2019, 11:00 PM   #4
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You are being crazy. This is not a new relationship. They have a life time of memories together. After 3 decades if they wanted to be together, they'd be together & you never would have met him. Pre-existing friends, -- people who have been part of your new SO's life for years before you entered the picture -- are part of the package.

You need to befriend her so when he talk to her about you, she sticks up for you & your relationship with him. Piss her off at your own peril. If you force him to choose, he will rightly pick her.

Your behavior, out of control jealousy & unreasonable outlook, is a red flag for him to consider whether you are worth having a relationship. They have done nothing wrong.
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Old 17th February 2019, 3:02 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poetry View Post
We met again today and he just told me that when she lived in his house, she offered him sex. He rejected. He told me this now, after 3 months, so I assume he knew that this is something that should not happened in "platonic friendship" so he did not want to tell me, however it just confirmed what I was afraid of.
You have every right to be concerned about this other woman (OW). You trusted this OW living with your boyfriend because they both assured you that their relationship was exclusively platonic. Now that you know that she offered him sex just 3 months ago, you know that this is not true. You also know that he was willing to lie to you by omission when he did not tell you about her advance, and instead kept seeing her under the false premise that you hade nothing to worry about because nether of them had romantic feeling for each other. Always remember that when your gut told you that something was wrong, you were recognizing the clues that indicated that she had feelings for him, and that she was capable of putting moves on him without him telling you. You trusted your gut and stood up for yourself, and it turns out that you were right.

Although unfounded jealousy can be a problem in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with being jealous when it is based on the truth. It is also perfectly OK and even advisable to establish relationship boundaries.
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Old 17th February 2019, 3:37 PM   #6
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I'd dig deeper about the sex part in the past though. I find it hard to believe it never happened.

Agreed.
He has already trickle truthed, I guess he isn't yet finished with his "revelations".


Single guy living in a house with a sexually provocative woman and nothing happened....
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Old 17th February 2019, 4:25 PM   #7
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But yet, even if something happened but it was a long time ago, I still say if they wanted to be together, they'd be together. Someone isn't interested enough for that.
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Old 17th February 2019, 4:30 PM   #8
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Don't worry about it if they wanted to make something of it they would have so I'd say trust him not to do something like this how long have you been together
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Old 17th February 2019, 7:03 PM   #9
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But yet, even if something happened but it was a long time ago, I still say if they wanted to be together, they'd be together. Someone isn't interested enough for that.
It is only last year. She stayed 6 months in his house last year.

We have had our fair share on here of lovestruck childhood/HS "best friends" having affairs with guys with gfs, guys with partners, guys with wives, and guys with kids... a bit of him is better than nothing and they live in hope as his OW. They stick to him like glue, whilst he gets engaged, gets married, has kids etc.
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Old 17th February 2019, 8:18 PM   #10
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I have several platonic female friends. They will remain platonic - and they will remain dear friends. If I date someone who can't handle that, then I will find someone who can, no matter how great they seem to be otherwise. Being unable to trust me with honest, platonic friendships is a red flag. And I'd include someone I'm dating in some of my activities with these friends, when appropriate.
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Old 17th February 2019, 9:46 PM   #11
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Haha, funny how some posters have offered contradictory comments as opposed too another post were a male poster feared the connection between his partner and her man friend.

Truth is, very few male/female friendships lack at least some level of attraction and sexual tension. I don't think he is being honest, but I do agree with the other that if they wanted to be together you would not be in the picture.
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Old 18th February 2019, 8:42 AM   #12
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People in relationships do not need opposite sex friends. I do
not lack anything in my life by not having any female friends.

I have seen too many affairs happen because the WW/WH had
to have opposite sex friends. Placing unnecessary temptation
in front of oneself is the first step on the slippery slope to ruin.

And in the OP's case this OW is just that another OW that wants
to bang her BF.

As to her BF, what is broken in him that he needs to keep this
OW orbiting him for the external extra validation ego stroking?

He is not willing to put his woman first and make her feel protected.

Dump him for I see him eventually cheating. Old enough for SS
so I have seen a lot in life.
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Old 18th February 2019, 1:09 PM   #13
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DKT3 is 100 percent right when they wrote:

"Truth is, very few male/female friendships lack at least some level of attraction and sexual tension."

That is the f'ing truth for most people. There is almost always sexual tension, which is really fun as long as lines are not crossed. I've made this point over and over again and I'll continue to make the point.
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Old 18th February 2019, 11:15 PM   #14
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Have to agree with most of the other comments here. If they wanted to be together, they would have done so at some point in the 30 years they've known each other. When you are friends with someone of the opposite sex for that long, having feelings or desire for them just feels wrong. He chose to date you and not her, so that should tell you what you need to know.
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Old 19th February 2019, 3:35 PM   #15
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Hope he does not lose his best friend because of your insecurity, any woman who tries to separate you from friends, family, etc should be dumped immediately.
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