LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating > Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

What to think about micro cheating?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

Like Tree25Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 13th January 2019, 6:46 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 1
Question What to think about micro cheating?

Hi everyone. I have a few questions below. Please see these events as unrelated and spanning over a 6 years period. I can give more context afterwards, but for the moment I would like to understand if these things look at first perfectly legit or not. Many thanks

If a guy says to your girlfriend he finds her attractive and then add her on Facebook, is there any issue in her accepting his friend request? If she doesn’t care about him is it disrespectful to her boyfriend or not?

If your girlfriend had lied about having any sex with anyone during break up, and sworn to have deleted anyone on social media she might have been flirty during break up yet didn’t unfriend the guy she had sex with, is it an issue? If a guy you have had sex with while you were broken up likes a picture of you and your boyfriend back together what does that mean? Am I wrong for being hurt that after 4 years of relationship and being her first one, she, who condemned girls having casual sex, had casual sex during break up, lied about it, and kept him on social media when back together and never thought of unfriending him despite him liking pictures of her and I?

As a girl, if you go out In a club, in a trusting relationship, can you give your number to a guy because you thought he was very friendly? If you are in a club without your boyfriend, is it normal to speak to a guy for enough time to find him very friendly and give him your number without any afterthought as you have mentioned to him you have a boyfriend?

If you are inviting a few people at your place for an after party, then everyone leaves except a guy who decides he would rather sleep here while he could clearly go home like the others did, is it acceptable for a girl to see no problem? Granted there is only one room.
IsItRight is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th January 2019, 8:04 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 1,466
The girlfriend wants a lot of attention and isn't going to discourage it.

The question is, is the boyfriend ok with that? It's highly unlikely to change. So he either has to learn to deal with it or free himself to find a girlfriend who doesn't require affirmation from a lot of men.
Finding my way is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th January 2019, 8:21 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 663
What , they have a micro cheating now ,,,or did you just make that up ?
chillii is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th January 2019, 8:22 AM   #4
Established Member
 
salparadise's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 5,263
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
The girlfriend wants a lot of attention and isn't going to discourage it.

The question is, is the boyfriend ok with that? It's highly unlikely to change. So he either has to learn to deal with it or free himself to find a girlfriend who doesn't require affirmation from a lot of men.
Ha ha, such a female answer... learn to deal with it posited as a legitimate choice. I think not. You wouldn't tolerate it would you?

OP, you need to preserve your dignity and self-respect. She's using you like a doormat... wiping the dirt from her feet on you. Dump.
salparadise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th January 2019, 8:38 AM   #5
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 16,604
Why did you break up?
Who initiated the break up?
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th January 2019, 8:46 AM   #6
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 32,703
Cheating is black & white to me. Somebody who promised to be faithful & exclusive, had sex with somebody else. Anything else may be disrespectful; it may crack the foundations of a relationship but it's not cheating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IsItRight View Post
If a guy says to your girlfriend he finds her attractive and then add her on Facebook, is there any issue in her accepting his friend request? If she doesn’t care about him is it disrespectful to her boyfriend or not?
I came of age decades before the age of social media. I don't understand giving a stranger that level of access to your life.

That said, if a woman knows a man is flirting with her & that he's interested in dating him, anything she does to maintain contact with him & give him encouragement or hope is damaging to her existing romantic relationship. If she doesn't care about him it's wrong for her to give him false hope & lead him on. It also erodes her BF's trust in her.

All in all it's a negative but it's not cheating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IsItRight View Post
If your girlfriend had lied about having any sex with anyone during break up, and sworn to have deleted anyone on social media she might have been flirty during break up yet didn’t unfriend the guy she had sex with, is it an issue?
Lying is bad. But so is the endless break up make up cycle. If you are on the merry go round, you are better off not knowing what your SO did during that time apart.

Once you have sex with somebody if the nature of the relationship changes, you & that person need to be disconnected on social media. In the immediate aftermath of a break up you can't be "just friends". Trying is always torturous to the one who wants more.

In your Q, there is a big difference between deleting somebody after sex vs deleting somebody where there may have been some flirting. Flirting is harmless. Plus if that is all there was -- truthfully -- put on your big boy pants & get over it. Human's flirt. Yes, there are degrees. Do also read my answer above but seriously if during a break up your SO sought a self esteem boost by flirting with another guy to heal the heartbreak you caused, the other flirter's presence on her social media is not the end of the world.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IsItRight View Post
If a guy you have had sex with while you were broken up likes a picture of you and your boyfriend back together what does that mean?
Anybody you previously had sex with needs to be off your social media in the immediate aftermath of the sex stopping.

Here I suspect that because the guy liked the couple's picture, it may have been the OM's way of expressing support & respect for the relationship. It's certainly not a bad thing in a vacuum.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IsItRight View Post
Am I wrong for being hurt that after 4 years of relationship and being her first one, she, who condemned girls having casual sex, had casual sex during break up, lied about it, and kept him on social media when back together and never thought of unfriending him despite him liking pictures of her and I?
You are not wrong for being upset that she lied to you. You are wrong about all the rest of it.

You were to proud of the fact that you "got there 1st" and she was a virgin. Now you unfairly think differently about her because you are no longer her only lover. You are applying a whore/Madonna standard to her & being judgmental about her increased level of sexual experience.

I suspect you fear that in comparison you come up on the short end of the stick & it's making you crazy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IsItRight View Post
As a girl, if you go out In a club, in a trusting relationship, can you give your number to a guy because you thought he was very friendly?
It's not a good idea. But the woman remains free to talk to or give her # to anybody. The consequence of that action may be the end of the relationship.

Combined all this behavior on her part tells me that she's outgrown this relationship but because after 4 years, you are all she knows she doesn't have the maturity to pull the trigger & end it. So's she behaving badly & expecting you to do the dirty work of breaking up with her so she can cry & play martyr / dumpee.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IsItRight View Post
If you are in a club without your boyfriend, is it normal to speak to a guy for enough time to find him very friendly and give him your number without any afterthought as you have mentioned to him you have a boyfriend?
In a club it's pretty normal to talk to members of the opposite sex & flirt with them.

A woman with integrity would mention the BF so as not to give the other guy false hope.


Quote:
Originally Posted by IsItRight View Post
If you are inviting a few people at your place for an after party, then everyone leaves except a guy who decides he would rather sleep here while he could clearly go home like the others did, is it acceptable for a girl to see no problem? Granted there is only one room.
I'm all about safety. I'd rather a drunk of any gender stay then put themselves in danger. If she slept in her room & he slept on the couch, no problem. If she slept on her bed in her dorm room & he slept in the roommate's bed alone or on the floor still OK. If they shared a bed, it's a problem. When in a committed exclusive relationship all night cuddling with others is prohibited.

All in all I think your relationship has run it's course. After 4 years this woman is running for daylight & you are holding her back. Because she's too weak to process that & address it, she's doing all sorts of things to destroy the relationship. She is also setting herself up to monkey branch. She just hasn't fully released you yet because she hasn't found the branch where she wants to land yet.

Last edited by d0nnivain; 13th January 2019 at 8:48 AM..
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th January 2019, 11:16 AM   #7
Established Member
 
thefooloftheyear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 11,345
Quote:
Originally Posted by IsItRight View Post
Hi everyone. I have a few questions below. Please see these events as unrelated and spanning over a 6 years period. I can give more context afterwards, but for the moment I would like to understand if these things look at first perfectly legit or not. Many thanks<snip>

You're getting played....its plain and simple..

TFY
__________________
"If all you do is what youve always done, all you will get is what you always got.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 14th January 2019 at 5:25 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote
thefooloftheyear is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th January 2019, 12:22 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 13,433
Anytime you have this many "micro" concerns, it adds up to a major issue. Her lack of boundaries and your insecurities are not a good match. As has already been said, time to move on...

Mr. Lucky
__________________
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
Mr. Lucky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th January 2019, 12:43 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 1,466
Quote:
Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
Ha ha, such a female answer... learn to deal with it posited as a legitimate choice. I think not. You wouldn't tolerate it would you?
That was exactly my point. Good grief. Nice dig at women though, points for missing the point AND being offensive.
Finding my way is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th January 2019, 4:56 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 80
Because the spectrum of what's acceptable and not varies between people, I find it best to say it only matters what you and your partner can agree to when it comes to boundaries and expectations. It sounds like you both don't agree on some things that really bother you. It usually doesn't flow or end well with these differences in mindset, so finding a solution that satisfies both partners is necessary for the health of the relationship.

Your history spans a long while, and she seems to be changing her mind on some things. She did the casual sex thing, and maybe she's OK with that now. She's not the same person you first met. It might be that these changes are steering the relationship towards a divergent path.

What someone does after a breakup (or during a "break") is their business. The only concerns being STI that you maybe exposed to. It does suck that she lied.
ShadeOfGreen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th January 2019, 5:13 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Down South
Posts: 1,283
Great answer here SOG....Are we today at a point that we want society or even a group here to make those decisions for you? Hopefully by asking these questions, you do realize that what you're looking for is either validation that it's not okay or feel unsure of your value system in what you're looking for in a GF.

I agree that she appears to be changing and in my mind, there's nothing wrong with that and that if you're trying to hold her to values she had 4 years ago, that isn't fair to her. She has, as does everyone, the right to change their mind. However, lying about it is not cool and should be addressed.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 14th January 2019 at 5:25 PM.. Reason: Redact quote of immediately preceding post
kgcolonel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th January 2019, 4:24 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: SoCal
Posts: 83
I don't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday much less who f'd who 6 years ago. Move on.
David33 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th January 2019, 9:21 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 821
OP, was it a break or a break up and how long did it last? A break is not the same as a break up. A break can have many definitions but it is most always with the idea that the relationship isn't over and there exists the intention that a couple will get back together at some point. A break up on the other hand has the intention of being permanent.

You have every right to feel the way you do. I believe that you would probably be better off with someone you can have shared values with.
loversquarrel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th January 2019, 11:07 AM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 292
Quote:
Originally Posted by salparadise View Post
Ha ha, such a female answer... learn to deal with it posited as a legitimate choice. I think not. You wouldn't tolerate it would you?

OP, you need to preserve your dignity and self-respect. She's using you like a doormat... wiping the dirt from her feet on you. Dump.
I particularly enjoyed "I gave him my number because he was really friendly!!1"

I can't decide whether she has actually rationalised that to herself in order to avoid guilt or whether she just thinks a guy is going to be gullible enough to believe and accept it....probably a bit of both.
some_username1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th January 2019, 1:16 PM   #15
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 15,231
All those things are poor boundaries. It's up to the BF to decide whether that are acceptable or not....most would say not.
__________________

You are a fool if you believe that having each others passwords = trust.
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Micro-Penis Situation LittleB Dating 10 11th May 2011 11:55 AM
Micro-arguments and a few questions Unistudent Long-Distance Relationships 11 5th September 2010 12:25 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:20 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.