Glam Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 My boyfriend has recently started texting this girl quite a lot. They texted for 2 hours straight last night until like 2 or 3am. I don’t know his history with this girl but he seems to have known her before he met me. I know this because they follow each other on social media and she liked some of his posts from 2 years ago. So this girl recently had a baby with a man, the baby is a few months old. As far as I know she also lives about 3 hours away. Is this just an old friend of my boyfriends, or is it shady? Like why are they talking so much at night. Also when I asked my boyfriend who it was, he says he was chatting to a Man, no girl which was a lie. He said I was being paranoid. Why would he hide the fact he was talking to this girl? He also would joke that he doesn’t want me kissing men bla bla now I find that ironic since he’s going behind my back. He always says he loves me. What I also don’t understand is if they are friends longer than he knows me why didn’t they date before? Maybe they did date before but but Why is it now they are suddenly back in contact and texting SO much. Even weirder after she’s had a baby a few months ago and not sure if she is still with the baby’s dad or not. I really feel sick thinking my boyfriend could be having an emotional affair and lying behind my back. He literally has also made it a point to tell me he’s loyal and would never cheat cause he was cheated on, saying that he would break up with me not cheat. Also he said “being hot and good in bed means I’ll never be tempted to stray” referring to me. I know he’s really happy with me sexually, he always says I’m the best he’s had. So that leaves the question why is he cheating on me. Last time I saw him was Wednesday and everything was good he said he missed me (we hadn’t seen each other in a few days). He also was recently in a bother and needed help so he rang me at the middle of the night. He claims he rang me because “you’re mine”. I posted on here recently about my boyfriends Instagram habits and now I feel like this is another thing to be insecure about and I feel like I’m going crazy, help Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 I'm sorry, but texting for hours in the middle of the night is nowhere near what's appropriate while being a relationship. I assume she has to wait until her guy is sound asleep to be able to text with your boyfriend. Him joking about you kissing other men is just projecting, especially if it came out of nowhere. I don't like this phrase either: “being hot and good in bed means I’ll never be tempted to stray”, it sounds like his loyalty is very conditional, despite him saying that he'd never cheat. It doesn't sound very promising, OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted December 14, 2018 Author Share Posted December 14, 2018 I'm sorry, but texting for hours in the middle of the night is nowhere near what's appropriate while being a relationship. I assume she has to wait until her guy is sound asleep to be able to text with your boyfriend. Him joking about you kissing other men is just projecting, especially if it came out of nowhere. I don't like this phrase either: “being hot and good in bed means I’ll never be tempted to stray”, it sounds like his loyalty is very conditional, despite him saying that he'd never cheat. It doesn't sound very promising, OP.[/Q So what is he planning to do? He’s basically going to cheat on me or leave me for her? I’m not sure if she’s still with the dad of her baby but I assume she is. It’s weird that they have gotten back in contact now all of a sudden and it’s not like we’ve had a rough patch. Things have been good between us. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted December 14, 2018 Author Share Posted December 14, 2018 I'm sorry, but texting for hours in the middle of the night is nowhere near what's appropriate while being a relationship. I assume she has to wait until her guy is sound asleep to be able to text with your boyfriend. Him joking about you kissing other men is just projecting, especially if it came out of nowhere. I don't like this phrase either: “being hot and good in bed means I’ll never be tempted to stray”, it sounds like his loyalty is very conditional, despite him saying that he'd never cheat. It doesn't sound very promising, OP. Also why would he do this to me? Someone he claims to love. Why doesn’t he just break up with me if he’s not happy or wants her, why emotionally cheat on me? Plus he’s still planning on seeing me Monday on his day off work like he usual does. I don’t think she lives close, possibly a few hours away. So he’s planning on acting normal with me knowing he’s cheating on me? Woah Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 He's not necessarily cheating on you. He's talking to somebody. How do you know what he was doing from midnight through 2-3 a.m. anyway? You said you weren't together. If you were there & he was messaging her but ignoring you, yes that is a problem but if you weren't there he can talk to an old friend for hours on end if he likes, assuming that conversation wasn't sexual. You said she just had a baby. Do you know if she has post partum depression? Does your annoyance change to compassion of your guy was talking this OW down off a ledge? Look, him lying to you is a problem. That is the bigger problem I see. Since we don't know what he was discussing with this friend I refuse to call a conversation or her liking social media posts emotional cheating. An EA is when the SO ignores you in favor of the friend; the emotional connection is being severed in favor of a 3rd party. Here all you have demonstrated is friendship. Since you also have issues with his IG behaviors, perhaps this latest trigger for your insecurities & paranoia is a wake up call for you to evaluate your relationship with him & for you to do some soul searching to determine why you are so unable to trust. Finally, why are you sick over this? If he is cheating you should be angry not sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 I can't possibly know what your boyfriend is thinking. The only thing I know is that his actions aren't appropriate. Tell him how you're feeling and if he doesnt do anything about it, walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted December 14, 2018 Author Share Posted December 14, 2018 (edited) He's not necessarily cheating on you. He's talking to somebody. How do you know what he was doing from midnight through 2-3 a.m. anyway? You said you weren't together. If you were there & he was messaging her but ignoring you, yes that is a problem but if you weren't there he can talk to an old friend for hours on end if he likes, assuming that conversation wasn't sexual. Finally, why are you sick over this? If he is cheating you should be angry not sick. Well I also text him that day, just a simple text “how was work today” and he never replied but he kept up a conversation with her for a few hours. So that is ignoring me in favour of her? The part that gets me is he lied about it. He could have easily said I’m talking to an old friend about this or this yet he chose to say he was actually talking to a group of 6 guy friends. He wasn’t. So if it is innocent then why is he lying to me? He doesn’t want me to know about this girl. I even told him it’s okay if he has friends that are girls, he still claimed it was a bunch of guys. I do have insecurity issues and it’s like there’s one thing after another to worry about and I can’t deal with it anymore. T The fact he lied to me now makes me feel EVEN more insecure in the relationship. I feel like I can’t trust what he says now. And I feel sick because my biggest fear is him cheating on me or leaving me for someone else, being made a fool of and not knowing he’s doing this behind my back. I’m loyal to him because I love him quite a lot and it would devastate me if this is what he’s doing. I would prefer he dumped me right now then lie to my face and do things behind my back. In regards to the woman. I’ve no idea if she has depression it probably would change my annoyance but I’ve no idea what they are talking about. Edited December 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 Whether he is cheating or not, you are not being treated the way you want to. If a relationship is making you feel bad, and is upsetting by their actions, it's simply time to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 I think you’re probably right that you’re insecure because that’s probably the only thing keeping you from telling this guy that you don’t have a good feeling about things, that you won’t tolerate lying, and you’re walking away. Instead, you’re waiting for him to do something. That’s called being a victim. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 The lying is a problem. You two may simply be incopmatible. If you are not happy in the relationship, why are you going to sit around on pins & needles wondering if he will break up with you? Just end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted December 14, 2018 Author Share Posted December 14, 2018 (edited) The lying is a problem. You two may simply be incopmatible. If you are not happy in the relationship, why are you going to sit around on pins & needles wondering if he will break up with you? Just end it. Why do you think we’re incompatible? Because I do love him and I don’t want to break up our relationship if there’s nothing going on but the lying I can’t get that out of my head. He only ever texts me that late at night so when all of a sudden he’s texting another girl, it’s strange even if he has known her for 2 years. Like why are they chatting again randomly. And the lying, I can’t think of any other reason he would lie other than he doesn’t want me to know about her. I really thought he did love me too but I’m beginning to think he could be lying about that too. What I don’t understand is if he wants someone else or this woman why doesn’t he just break up with me, why spend 2 years in a relationship pretending to love me?! Edited December 14, 2018 by Glam More detail Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 The lying & the IG stuff that upsets you makes me think that he might not be the right guy for you. You seem on edge about him. You don't seem secure about your place in his life after two years. You also don't seem to be able to talk to him. Love doesn't really conquer all. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 Saying “the only thing going on is the lying” is like saying “the world was at peace in the 1940’s except for that little war that was going on in Europe”. The lying is the crooked tooth in a perfect smile. It ruins the whole thing. Why wouldn’t he just end it with you? Because the new chicky isn’t a sure thing yet and you’re his back-up. Plus, he knows he can get away with this lame behavior with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted December 14, 2018 Author Share Posted December 14, 2018 Saying “the only thing going on is the lying” is like saying “the world was at peace in the 1940’s except for that little war that was going on in Europe”. The lying is the crooked tooth in a perfect smile. It ruins the whole thing. Why wouldn’t he just end it with you? Because the new chicky isn’t a sure thing yet and you’re his back-up. Plus, he knows he can get away with this lame behavior with you. Last night was the only time that I know they’ve talked for awhile. And he seems to know her since before he met me so why didn’t they get together then? It seems strange if he was friends with her before me but all of a sudden now that she’s had a baby and seems to still be with the dad, they’re talking lots. I just find the whole situation odd. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 Last night was the only time that I know they’ve talked for awhile. And he seems to know her since before he met me so why didn’t they get together then? It seems strange if he was friends with her before me but all of a sudden now that she’s had a baby and seems to still be with the dad, they’re talking lots. I just find the whole situation odd. It wouldn't sit well with me either. Follow your gut on this because I think based on what you've said that there is something going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted December 14, 2018 Author Share Posted December 14, 2018 The lying & the IG stuff that upsets you makes me think that he might not be the right guy for you. You seem on edge about him. You don't seem secure about your place in his life after two years. You also don't seem to be able to talk to him. Love doesn't really conquer all. He’s not really making me feel secure. He can say he loves me all he wants but I’m finding it hard to believe every day that passes by when he does things like that and lie to me. I don’t feel loved by him. Heck he’s probably chasing this girl, knowing he’s in a relationship with me. I feel like I’m not good enough for him if he’s texting other girls especially a woman who’s got a family and a new baby, yet he still wants her over me. The girl he “says” he loves. I’ve no idea what I’m doing wrong that he’s so unhappy he has to chase other girls Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 he’s planning on acting normal with me knowing he’s cheating on me? Woah Well, that's what cheaters generally do, yes. Do I think he is a cheater? I'm not sure - I still don't see anywhere how you know who exactly he was talking to in the middle of the night. Did you go through his phone, or? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 Correction: he’s not good enough for you. The more you point the finger at yourself, the more you’ll tolerate what he’s doing. The truth is, if he were a decent guy, he wouldn’t be doing things behind you’re back, no matter how lousy you were as a person. Decent people don’t cheat. You seem to think that if he has a good reason to cheat, that makes it ok, or the fault is yours. You’re looking at this sideways. Change your perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted December 14, 2018 Author Share Posted December 14, 2018 Well, that's what cheaters generally do, yes. Do I think he is a cheater? I'm not sure - I still don't see anywhere how you know who exactly he was talking to in the middle of the night. Did you go through his phone, or? The app that he uses to text, she’s the only other person that I know who also uses that app and has him added, I didn’t go through his phone. He wouldn’t let me go near his phone lol, it’s always on him or locked Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 OP, is this the same guy that broke up with you in August '17? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/631911-shock-completely-blindsided-breakup Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 The app that he uses to text, she’s the only other person that I know who also uses that app and has him added, I didn’t go through his phone. He wouldn’t let me go near his phone lol, it’s always on him or locked How do you know who is in his contact list on that app, though? And what times he was active? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 You know he lied and doesn't want you to know about her, so I think your suspicions are not unjustified. Why don't you just tell him you know he lied? It sounds like his number one priority is sex, so even though he says you're the best, if it's what he cares most about, he's likely also pursuing variety. She's a long way off, so that's good. But if he's lying about her, what else is he hiding? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 I think he is a bit commitmentphobic, and the girl is his doorstop, just an outsider's perspective here, he knows what he is doing for sure Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted December 14, 2018 Author Share Posted December 14, 2018 How do you know who is in his contact list on that app, though? And what times he was active? He was active from 2am until 3 or 4am I don’t remember exactly but they were both active for 2 or 3 hours talking. Because he was checking his mobile credit account on my phone, and he left it logged in, it shows you activity from his phone and also numbers that he texts, he obviously didn’t realise he left it logged in. So searching the number I found out who it was. I was very curious because I’d never seen that number before and the fact that texted so late at night. I probably shouldn’t have looked at his account but he did leave it logged in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted December 14, 2018 Author Share Posted December 14, 2018 I think he is a bit commitmentphobic, and the girl is his doorstop, just an outsider's perspective here, he knows what he is doing for sure Why do you think he’s commitment phobic and what do you mean by doorstop? Sorry I don’t understand that part! Link to post Share on other sites
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