Jump to content

Husband got erotic massage with happy ending.


Recommended Posts

I just found out that my husband of 4 years has been going to massage parlours for erotic massage and happy endings. We have 2 kids, and ever since baby #2 (who is 9 months now), we hadn't been intimate at ALL, until a few weeks ago. We started connecting again and couldn't stop having wild sex for days, sometimes multiple times per day. Then a few days later he got himself an erotic massage with a happy ending! I confronted him and he admitted to getting this done 3 times in the last year and said that he didn't really feel guilty up until when I confronted him! He says he did it because he was stressed at work and he had a sore neck, so he needed a release. He said it had nothing to do with our relationship or lack of sex over the past months and that he loves me dearly and couldn't bear the thought of losing me. Im so confused and hurt and I just can't get passed this. Is it normal for men to not feel guilty and make themselves believe that it is ok to have another woman touch them? I can't get the disgusting image out of my head and I don't even know If I can trust anything he says anymore. The more I think about it, I can't breath and its making me sick. please help.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He cheated and he isn't even sorry. He is also trying to normalise it so you accept it.

I suggest divorce, you can never ever trust him again. Once the "paying for sex" hurdle is crossed it is difficult to stop and escorts and massage girls are everywhere and easy to find. You will never rest easy as long as he is in your life.

Edited by elaine567
removed quote
Link to post
Share on other sites
Well he was sorry, but only after i found out and confronted him. I can't understand how he could go through with this and not feel bad about it.

 

Entitlement. Selfishness. Lack of empathy.

 

As for sorry, he was sorry he got caught, not sorry for what he did to hurt you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs._December
He said it had nothing to do with our relationship or lack of sex over the past months and that he loves me dearly and couldn't bear the thought of losing me.

Honestly, is there a cheater who DOESN'T utter this same drivel when they're caught with their pants down?

 

Is it normal for men to not feel guilty and make themselves believe that it is ok to have another woman touch them? I can't get the disgusting image out of my head and I don't even know If I can trust anything he says anymore. The more I think about it, I can't breath and its making me sick. please help.
It's standard procedure for a serial cheater, which is what he IS. He's been cheating for years, so for him,this activity is simply a part of life (and God knows what ELSE he's done you don't know about).

 

Well he was sorry, but only after i found out and confronted him.
Pfft. I say "I'm sorry" to complete strangers when I bump into them at the grocery store. Big deal, he's 'sorry.' Sorry he got caught, that is.

 

I can almost predict how this will end. He'll sweet talk you into believing his cheating days are over. :rolleyes: He'll use his years of experience deceiving you - smiling right at you while he lies through his teeth - and he'll convince you that his cheating days are done. Yes sir, he's learned his lesson, he NOW realizes what he almost lost, and he's turned a corner and he's a new man now. So be prepared for the best husband you've ever known! :rolleyes:

 

And he'll be on his best behavior and make sure NOT to do anything that might raise a red flag. Who knows - maybe he'll actually stop his cheating for a little while while he plays Super Husband for you, convincing you not to divorce him. But most of these cheaters just get a lot sneakier and learn from their past mistakes so they don't get caught again.

 

Then, eventually, you'll catch him again. Could be months from now, could be a year or two.

 

But you'll catch him again.

 

That's a promise.

Edited by Mrs._December
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm actually really afraid of asking him about what he's done in the past. I'm having doubts about our dating days and whether he was unfaithful then.

 

He says he can live without the massages and will stop this behaviour as he's had a wake up call. ie. the idea of losing me would mean he has no reason to live (apparently). I don't know what to believe, I don't know if he's being truthful or just saying the things I want to hear.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

He says he can live without the massages and will stop this behavior as he's had a wake up call. ie. the idea of losing me would mean he has no reason to live (apparently). I don't know what to believe, I don't know if he's being truthful or just saying the things I want to hear.

He is manipulating you!!!...this is part of what is called narcissistic personality. And yes he is a narcissist. https://10faq.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/?gclid=Cj0KCQiArenfBRCoARIsAFc1FqeUn456trhemFNl43s5NQK1y4MDYEAoLsnc6Z_K_RFyC0P9z_5a2XMaAvIXEALw_wcB

 

 

He ain't gonna kill himself. This is how he is controlling the situation. Do not believe a word he says.

Link to post
Share on other sites

curious how you found out. and also, why don't you want to know the full extent of how long this has been going on?

 

eta: have you gotten STD tests?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have an expression: "If you can't live without me, how come you're not dead yet?"

 

He'll live. Believe me.

 

I'm guessing that he's been to that place far more than 3 times. You're wasting your time allowing yourself to be manipulated by this liar. Being fearful of finding out the truth and buying into his lies is exactly what he expects you to do. It's manipulation at its finest.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree that this is blatant unacceptable cheating. It is too soon to suggest leaving him, though. Hopefully, this is a passing phase but no one knows that. Some members on this forum often suggest divorce too quickly.

 

 

Confront him again to find out why he is really going to massages--what is missing in your love making or lack of it. Why does he feel he needs this?

(Well, for variety, or what?) Men do not get erotic massages just because of sore backs or muscles. You could say, "look, I will give you a very unhappy ending if you don't stop."

 

 

Just an idea, my 2 cents.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I found out by going through his phone messages as I felt that he wasn't being totally honest about a recent unrelated family drama we were having. He had messages from the call girl with nude pictures of her.

 

I did end up confronting him last night about his past and he denied having been unfaithful any other time besides these 3 massages. He hid it so well and I feel so naive that i can totally rule out he won't do this again or something worse.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Confront him again to find out why he is really going to massages--what is missing in your love making or lack of it. Why does he feel he needs this?

(Well, for variety, or what?) Men do not get erotic massages just because of sore backs or muscles. You could say, "look, I will give you a very unhappy ending if you don't stop."

 

I did confront him again as this is killing me... he said he was curious and wanted to see what it felt like. He couldn't explain why he kept going back again and again. Only said that we were having a rough time, arguing all the time and felt there was a lot of tension at home.

 

He's agreed to go to marriage counselling. I feel so numb and just want to wake up from this horrible dream.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Borth - I believe you should forgive the three massages and go to marriage counselling. You only have evidence of the last happy-ending massage and when confronted he confessed to the other two (as I understand your statement). A happy ending massage is a lot less intimate that intercourse or oral sex. Loveshack has examples of reconciliation following infidelity far worse than what you have here. In quasi extramarital sex like this people can go over the line without viewing it as all that serious at the time. Your husband has shown remorse when confronted and I believe you should give him a chance for reconciliation. Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs._December
He says he can live without the massages and will stop this behaviour as he's had a wake up call. ie. the idea of losing me would mean he has no reason to live (apparently). I don't know what to believe, I don't know if he's being truthful or just saying the things I want to hear.

Yup, that's pretty much exactly what I said he would tell you in my first post in this thread. He NOW ealizes what he could lose and he's had a 'wake up call' (a/k/a he's learned his lesson and has turned a corner and is a new man now). :rolleyes:

 

Cliche much?

 

Pretty much exactly what I told you he'd say.

 

Cheaters are SO predictable.

 

He's a completely remorseless serial cheater.

 

In the words of Dr. Phil, for every rat you do see there are 50 you don't. You haven't NEARLY been told the whole truth of what he's been up to for years. And sadly, marriage counseling isn't going to change him from being a remorseless cheater into Husband of the Year. It's not going to do anything for his severe character flaws. I'm sorry.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs._December
Your husband has shown remorse when confronted and I believe you should give him a chance for reconciliation. Good luck.

He's shown ZERO remorse.

 

OP, you really should spend a considerable amount of time reading infidelity boards and articles about infidelity to understand what true remorse actually looks like. He's shown NO remorse at all. All he's done is give you a bunch of lip service and "I'm sorry"s to avoid being kicked out the front door. That's not remorse.

 

That's REGRET for getting caught and it's FEAR of facing the consequences for what he's done.

 

That's not remorse. It's not even CLOSE.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I found out by going through his phone messages as I felt that he wasn't being totally honest about a recent unrelated family drama we were having. He had messages from the call girl with nude pictures of her.

 

I did end up confronting him last night about his past and he denied having been unfaithful any other time besides these 3 massages. He hid it so well and I feel so naive that i can totally rule out he won't do this again or something worse.

 

 

Its called trickle truthing, and is par for the course with cheaters.

The cheater tries to limit the damage, so keeps lying to cover up the true extent of the cheating... where this eventually goes, goodness knows but cheaters will keep covering up the real truth, if they know they can get away with it.

Eyes and ears open.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wookin Pa Nub

Right or wrong he probably rationalized the happy ending as part of the massage and not necessarily cheating. One of my gf's friends went on a trip without husband (husband went home early on second leg of trip) and went hiking where there were Sherpas. At the end of a hike, one of the Sherpas gave this lady a massage and asked if she wanted happy ending in which she partook. Part of it was she was upset with husband for not going and part was she just saw it as part of the massage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Right or wrong he probably rationalized the happy ending as part of the massage and not necessarily cheating. One of my gf's friends went on a trip without husband (husband went home early on second leg of trip) and went hiking where there were Sherpas. At the end of a hike, one of the Sherpas gave this lady a massage and asked if she wanted happy ending in which she partook. Part of it was she was upset with husband for not going and part was she just saw it as part of the massage.

 

 

OK but he met up with a call girl for his "neck" massage...

Link to post
Share on other sites
OK but he met up with a call girl for his "neck" massage...

 

This was my thought from the original post.

 

When I had to get a massage due to a shoulder injury my Google search came spas, physios, etc. Not one dodgy result, I wonder what his search parameters actually were....

Link to post
Share on other sites

I get a proper remedial masseur for my neck massages. She is not a call girl nor does she send me sexy nude pics, nor does she offer me happy endings...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
healing light

My uncle did this recently to my aunt after decades of marriage. He knew she was unhappy about their lack of sex yet when he regained the ability to have it, he sought out some happy massage place instead of his wife. Claims he only went three times and that the last time was the only time they had intercourse. First it was "the condom broke", then it was "she just hopped on him" spontaneously before he knew what was happening, blah blah blah.

 

Long story short: he now has herpes. I believe this is the only reason he confessed.

 

Same spiel: acted like he would end it if she didn't stay, it only happened 2 other times, etc.

 

In terms of 3 visits? Where there's smoke, there's fire, imo. For some reason it seems like 3 is the magical number people use to lie about when it comes to sex...

 

Sorry that you're dealing with this. I just don't completely buy it. Especially since how he somehow tried to claim he didn't realize it was wrong until you confronted him. Really? What a load of bull.

 

Edited to say: my aunt is objectively very beautiful, my uncle is gross/off-putting physically. Neither here nor there, but in my opinion it really doesn't matter what you're offering because it's not about you, it's about their character flaws.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
We have 2 kids, and ever since baby #2 (who is 9 months now), we hadn't been intimate at ALL, until a few weeks ago.

 

Why has he been shining you on all this time? Seems that since you two burned the house down recently that his issue isn't your lack of interest--why is he denying you? What is he so angry about with you that he withholds intimacy with you? Generally speaking, people who feel connected don't withhold intimacy and sex.

 

Why didn't he think to send you to a spa for a proper massage instead of selfishly making sure he got his behind your back? So many question I know you can't answer right now... sorry for that. It just seems so perplexing and infuriating for you.

 

Do you want to reconcile with him? I suppose you're going to have to weigh what good there is in your marriage to how much damage he's actually done to your relationship and see which one wins out. Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...