Am I being a close minded, uptight Puritan, or is this more than most can swallow?

[NiteOwlNorCal]

Hello all,

 

This is hard to write because the woman im writing about, I love.

We met over a year ago. 1 month into our relationship she confessed that the massage work she does for a living is actually FBSM, Full Body Sensual Massage, both fully naked, oiled, body to body slides, mutual touch (outside vagina, breasts, ass), DFK and of course, a happy ending.

So she's been doing this incall service for over 4 years now and still is a Provider to her Hobbyists, seeing about 3 or 4 guys a week, in the house we share.

shortly after she confessed her 9 to 5 "job" as a "healer" she also told me that previous to becoming a FBSM Provider she had spent a year and a half as a highly sought after Escort/GFE Provider.

She also belongs to, but doesn't partake because of our relationship, an exclusive sensual/sex community, where she has been "intimate" with many men and woman. Her best friends with whom we hang out with often she has also been sexual with.

I've read (my mistake) a few dozen reviews written by her Hobbyists about their sessions with her when she was an Escort. She refers to herself during those times as a Companion, yet the reviews paint her as a Prostitute.

i get monkey mind thinking about her with all of these guys (roughly 400 and climbing) using her to satisfy their sexual desires. Her doing things with perfect strangers, like anal sex, that now with me she has exclaimed she's not into. Just thinking about guys experiencing CIM, DFK, DATY, BBBJ with the woman that imnow sitting next to is so hard to deal with.

How does one come to terms with this?

Thanks in advance

[ExpatInItaly]

I’m not sure why you’re surprised that people are referring to her as a prostitute. If she’s exchanging sexual activity for money, that’s exactly what she is. Right or wrong, from a moral point of view, I’m quite sure you already knew the legal definition of prostitution, no? How did you previously convince yourself this wasn’t what she was doing?

 

Also, you need to be careful as well, given that she is doing this in your home. Most law enforcement would view you as living off the avails of prostituion yourself.

 

I can’t see that most people would be okay with their partners engaging in this sort of transaction and behavior, to answer your initial question. I sure wouldn’t, for many reasons.

[Zahara]

Oh gosh. How can you live in a place that you call your home when she’s made it into a brothel?

 

You don’t come to terms with it. I don’t think one can come to terms with something like this unless they are like minded.

 

You’re either the kind of person that can accept such a lifestyle without batting an eyelid or the kind that wants a partner/relationship with a similar and compatible value and boundary system. Love is not enough.

 

It doesn’t matter what a forum thinks. Even if 100 people came to you today and told you it’s normal, it will not change your outlook because it’s not compatible to you and will never be. I don’t think anyone would tolerate this in a relationship.

 

You need to dig deep and figure out what you want. Is this what you want as a partner? Are you proud to announce to your family and friends that she’s a prostitute? Do you see marriage and kids — and how does that play out in your mind? So many questions. You need to start thinking about where you want to head with this.

[d0nnivain]

I couldn't be romantically involved with somebody doing all that. At minimum I'd feel like my partner was cheating on me.

 

You can ask her to stop & get a more conventional job. She probably won't. All you can do at that point is vote with your feet.

[usa1ah]

Your joking right.

[BaileyB]

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

[Chassit]

I wouldn't be able to do it. My most recent ex strong armed me into an open relationship and quite frankly it is ultimately what led to our demise. I was unable to trust her, I felt cheated on and cuckolded (even though I was aware and had agreed to it all) and felt like I was not important to her. This all pales in comparison to what I would be feeling in your shoes. Now if you are OK with it that is one thing, but it sounds like you aren't and for many of us understandably so.

[GoldenR]

So you can stay with her, and live with her still having sex with other ppl, or you can get rid of her and find someone that will be true to you.

 

What's the issue here?

[NiteOwlNorCal]

Thank you all so much for writing back.

I've read all of your replies and will address them all in a follow up reply by later tonight.

[NiteOwlNorCal]

So.... I'm not joking and yes this is becoming a deal breaker.

Before I met her I would have been a solid NO, being from the East Coast and having more traditional values than her. But something told me to keep trying and I did and the longer I stayed the deeper we got.

Let me clear up at least one thing that someone had said, she is not having sex (penetration) with her clients.

She claims that she feels very little if anything g at times that if arousal.

I call bull**** on that. How can you not get turned on being naked, oiled up and seductively sliding up and down on a naked man with a full erection.

 

I have asked for a massage from her and for her to treat me as a client, no special treatment but still show me what she does.

She refuses claiming that she can't pretend like I'm a usual hobbies. I think she's afraid of me seeing what exactly she does with them and that when I see and experience just how erotic and sexual they are that I'll bail.

And I'm sure I would at that point.

 

I know there isn't any magical answer anyone can give me. I just want to be heard and to hear from others that this is a pretty f*ed up situation.

Thank again all!

[GoldenR]

Let me clear up at least one thing that someone had said, she is not having sex (penetration) with her clients

 

I think you know better than that. Deep down, you do.

[Juha]

Obviously from my end she seems like she is not being totally forthcoming about what goes on with her clients now. I would be hard pressed that she is not having some type of sex with them after all of those other things going on.

It's foreplay, how do you not get aroused?

 

Her not wanting to give you one of her massages is definitely a red flag and shady to me. You would think she would want to make you happy and do that with you.

 

Also her being more open sexually with her clients than she is with you telling you she does not like things when she clearly did them without issue in the past.

 

Being open minded is one thing being on the short end of the stick when you are together is another. I could not date someone who treats me as I am less than what she does with strangers/clients. I would definitely feel slighted and think what is wrong with me and why wont she do those things with me?

 

I would not date this woman with her treatment and behavior as is. I would not accept being treated as a second class citizen

[elaine567]

Obviously from my end she seems like she is not being totally forthcoming about what goes on with her clients now. I would be hard pressed that she is not having some type of sex with them after all of those other things going on.

It's foreplay, how do you not get aroused?

 

 

She is a professional she will likely not be aroused or rarely, but as she was an escort previously then the lure of extra money for sex probably means she will sometimes be having sex with her clients.

But I don't know her, maybe she is being entirely honest here.

 

As for the refusal to do things with the OP I guess she doesn't like doing them in her real life, and only does/did them because she is getting/was getting paid for it.

I guess some sex workers compartmentalise, there is work and there is home, never the twain shall meet...

[bathtub-row]

She lied to you about what she did because she knows it’s a dealbreaker. Lying should also be a dealbreaker for you. Does she get turned on by what she does? Probably not most of the time. It’s just a job to her and that’s probably why she doesn’t want to do those things with you — then you’d become like them. It’s not likely that she’ll stop doing those things because it’s probably her only means of making the kind of money she makes. Most people wouldn’t tolerate their SO doing this kind of thing, nor would they tolerate the lying.

[Gaeta]

Love has nothing to do with this, she lied to you left and right, get busy un-loving her.

[usa1ah]

Doesn’t matter what coast you were from. This is a messed up situation.

 

If she won’t do it for you then find someone that will that way you know what is being done. Tell your partner that you are looking for someone to this for you. Do not let her chose who.

[snowboy91]

To respond to the question in the title: Does it matter? All that does matter is what YOU feel comfortable with her doing. And if her activities are making you feel uncomfortable and like you're being cheated on, then it's going to be an ongoing issue in the relationship. You both deserve better than that.

 

For the record - I'd say what you've put up with is a lot more than most guys would be comfortable with.

[Jamess1]

End it now...

[onemanband]

run for the hills

[kendahke]

Why don't you save everyone a whole lot of grief and just dump her if this offends you that much?

[FMW]

My xH paid for services like this. And he admitted that yes, often it turned into oral sex and/or actual intercourse. With all the money he spent it certainly should have included everything

[Mumbles]

So.... I'm not joking and yes this is becoming a deal breaker.

Before I met her I would have been a solid NO, being from the East Coast and having more traditional values than her. But something told me to keep trying and I did and the longer I stayed the deeper we got.

 

Whether its a deal breaker for you is intensely personal. You have to be selfish here and really think about whats important to you. Ladies like this are unlikely to change in a substantial way.

 

For some, like me, I had to ultimately recognise that I have a latent cuckold fetish - hard for me to accept initially, but I came to see it in myself.

 

Whilst there are plenty of potential negatives about this type of relationship, its also unique and one you won't likely bump into again. There is inherently a lot of personal leeway in such a relationship - there are things here, or potential things, that give you enormous scope to explore yourself.

 

 

Let me clear up at least one thing that someone had said, she is not having sex (penetration) with her clients.

 

You don't know that, and you can't ever know. Its often thrown out there by the girls for their partners benefit, its a lie, sure, but its meant to give you opportunity to keep 'one eye open, one eye closed'. Meaning, the lie allows you the scope to turn a blind eye to whats really going on ... if thats what you want.

 

The reality is that all the erotic massage girls I know, and theres a lot of them, are open to PIV and other sexual activity if the conditions are right; ie, the client is the 'right' client and the money proposed is right.

 

She claims that she feels very little if anything g at times that if arousal.

I call bull**** on that. How can you not get turned on being naked, oiled up and seductively sliding up and down on a naked man with a full erection.

 

Yep!

 

Its bull****

 

Having said that, there is a distinction between paying customer and boyfriend/partner/husband. One is sex and other activities for the pure physicality of it, the other is likely to have deep emotional connections. The sex is different which leads us on to:

 

I have asked for a massage from her and for her to treat me as a client, no special treatment but still show me what she does.

She refuses claiming that she can't pretend like I'm a usual hobbies. I think she's afraid of me seeing what exactly she does with them and that when I see and experience just how erotic and sexual they are that I'll bail.

And I'm sure I would at that point.

 

You won't get the customer treatment, ever, because you're not a customer. Some girls won't kiss customers for example, because kissing is reserved for their partner. Each girl is different and will have different no-no's. Its common for activities freely provided in one half of her life are not shared with the other half.

 

I know there isn't any magical answer anyone can give me. I just want to be heard and to hear from others that this is a pretty f*ed up situation.

Thank again all!

 

You need time to process whats going on. Talking here at LS can help as it lets you vocalise thoughts and feelings and generally spitball. Enormously helpful.

 

So much of your response will come down to your own personal preferences, feeling about monogamy and want to explore your own physicality.

 

For mine, I have licence to explore myself in ways I would never normally have available. Read into that what you will, but believe me, its as sordid as you can possibly imagine.

 

Do I miss some of those activities that my girl won't do with me - that I _know_ she is doing with customers? Yes - the simple answer is yes, I most certainly do - but for me, its ok. I can explore those things elsewhere.