Wireless Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Hello everyone I've been with my boyfriend for one year and we've had problems because of my jealousy. I have a tendency to question and interrogate my boyfriend everyone about the most useless things. Basically every interaction with another female creates a problem for me. So here's what happened yesterday and what i'm thinking about ever since. My boyfriend started working in a bar this summer. A group of friends asked him to take a selfie with them. They said it was because he is Italian and they would like a picture with a real Italian. I think it was just because they thought my boyfriend was cute, he is a really handsome man. My boyfriend's coworker/boss also pushed him a little bit, so he decided to do it. He said the main reason why he did it was because he wanted to please his boss and don't make these clients unhappy. So two girls made a place between them and he sat down, they took the selfie and my boyfriend left. He said me he didn't touch or hold them, and they didn't do the same. He said it was just a stupid photo and nothing more. He didn't talk to them before and after. I would like advice on whether my boyfriend did a wrong thing taking the picture? I have a really jealous mind and i don't know what to think. I question him about this all the time, also saying that i don't believe him and he is lying. Even though he has done nothing to make me think this way. He is always trying to help me by answering the questions again and again. Thank you in advance! Kind regards Link to post Share on other sites
GinON Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 By harassing him with jealousy you are going to prove to him that you are not worthy of his affection. If you were confident in yourself and knew that you were awesome, a great catch and you rocked his world with whatever his love needs are, he would have no desire to cheat on you. It would be a terrible idea in his mind. However, if you keep accusing him of things due to your insecurities, you will teach him you don't trust him and that you are not worth being faithful to. If he leaves you or cheats, its because you weren't attractive to him for whatever reason unless he has a history of cheating and has a psychological problem with monogamy. In that case you need to find a different person because your anxiety will not be a good match for someone like that. From what I have read, you sound like you might have an anxious attachment style and you might want to get some help from a counselor so that you don't wreck all your relationships with this chronic distrust and jealousy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 I can't see anything wrong with him taking a picture with his work mates. My husband has a picture of him with his office mates also and some of them are very attractive women. You have got to get your jealousy under control, it's so unattractive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 You are doing the wrong thing by failing to get a handle on your own insecurities. He took a picture with co-workers. He didn't take naked pictures with these co-workers. He didn't kiss the co-workers. He didn't have sex with the co-workers. He got his picture taken with them. In this age of social media, everyone takes pictures with everyone else. It's as run of the mill as breathing. If you don't stop your BF will break up with you. He's person not a toy you keep in a box & only play with when you want. He is an autonomous person. You will also have problems sustaining a relationship with anybody else. Your BF seems beyond patient. By the 3rd or 4th time somebody I was dating did to me what you have been doing to this poor guy for a year, I would have been long gone. Get a grip. Get some therapy if you have to but knock off the nonsense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 I worked in a club for over 4 years....it's a very social atmosphere, you are going to be chummy with your workmates, take selfies, and bond with each other, like going out for drinks afterwards....it's called having a social life. I agree you need to get a grip on your jealousy....if you fear that much about your BF or whomever you have dated....you are definitely not ready to have a healthy adult relationship....with anyone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 He is always trying to help me by answering the questions again and again. He's helpful now but it gets old, fast. You need to seriously get a grip. Meds or therapy. Or both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wireless Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 Thank you all for the quick responses! Maybe I didn't explain it clearly, but he took the picture with clients. Tey didn't work there, they were just drinking something, but his coworker knew them. He didn't know these people, but he wanted to make the clients happy and take this photo, because he thought it was innocent. Maybe this doesn't make too much of a difference for me, because I would be jealous in both cases. I know that i have to work on myself and my insecurities. I will follow your advice and change my behavior and find a therapist. Thank you again for the help and advice! Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 It’s actually not unusual, just like people asking to take selfies with celebrities. Actually when I was a toddler, there’re strangers asking my parents if it’s okay to take a picture with me because your baby is so cute Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Thank you all for the quick responses! Maybe I didn't explain it clearly, but he took the picture with clients. Tey didn't work there, they were just drinking something, but his coworker knew them. He didn't know these people, but he wanted to make the clients happy and take this photo, because he thought it was innocent. Maybe this doesn't make too much of a difference for me, because I would be jealous in both cases. I know that i have to work on myself and my insecurities. I will follow your advice and change my behavior and find a therapist. Thank you again for the help and advice! Making clients happy brings more business. He works in a bar, it's a social atmosphere in the age of social media. I agree, you really need to get a grip. He told you about it, and thought it was stupid himself. Your line of questioning will eventually drive him away, he must have the patience of a saint. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Still not a problem. It's a bar. People take pictures all the time. Doesn't matter who else was in the picture with him. Him taking a picture with anybody is nothing for you to be concerned about. It IS innocent & until you realize that you will be miserable Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 This is not about the bar it's not about where he works or who he works with or who his clients are or what's good for business. It's about her insecurities which manifest as jealousy in any number of situations- which will eventually cause resentment on his part. Most partners will only put up with it for so long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 I had a bunch of followers....I used to call them my groupies. It's part of the bizz. Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Your BF's job is social by nature and if he is good looking, there will be plenty more people wanting to take a photo with him. Since you have no control over who he does and doesn't interact with, you will need to become comfortable with the fact that he is going to talk to other girls. It's completely unreasonable to expect him to shut off all interaction with any other girl ever. Relationships are built on trust - if you can't trust that he will respect your relationship, then you'll erode away your relationship with your jealousy. He's been very patient and that alone would suggest he's worthy of your trust. Link to post Share on other sites
portwine49 Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Your insecurities are going to push him away. Guys like a confident woman. He took a picture and you are feeling jealous. I understand it is because you are insecure and that is not an easy place to be. Is there a reason for this insecurity? Did he make you feel that way or is this from past experiences that you have unresolved issues from? Is he trustworthy? Link to post Share on other sites
David33 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Looks + Social + Service = tips. You should be happy for him, not jealous. GL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wireless Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 Thank you for all the responses, they are really helpfull. To answer the questions of portwine49, he is very trustworthy. He has never done something which could not make me trust him. He is always open and honest, and is always there for me. I just seem to make problems out of the smallest things, for example what i've described in my post. I think i've become like this due to my past. First of all, i've been raised in a sceptical way not to trust people and my dad acted with the same jealousy towards my mom. Second, i've been bullied in school since I was 6 years old. Mostly because I was too shy and insecure. Third, i've had 2 boyfriend who did untrustworthy things. The first kissed with someone while drunk, the second got dirty pics from another girl and sexted with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 No, he was not wrong. At all. It's good that you recognize that the problem is you and your extreme insecurity. However, you need to start working on this now. It will eventually end your relationship if you don't. My ex was a very irrationally jealous man. Everything raised his suspicions, everything made him question me, and I got very tired of being disrespected that way. Not only was his jealousy baseless but I came to feel insulted that he believed I was capable of the scenarios he invented in his mind. Remember that too; by not trusting your boyfriend to be honest and faithful, you are disrespecting him and calling his character into question. I lost attraction to my ex (insecurity is a romance-killer) and I lost patience with him. It was draining and I just couldn't be bothered trying anymore. I broke up with him and never looked back, and breathed a huge sigh of relief when I met a secure, stable man who would never think of interrogating me and accusing me. And I am so much more attracted to him in turn. If you don't want your relationship to go the same way, you need to take action now to address the real underlying issues driving this behaviour before your boyfriend grows tired of it and leaves. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 What your two other BFs did was wrong. That doesn't mean your current BF will behave like that. Do be vigilant & keep your eyes open, but don't actively push him away for what you fear he might do. Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Sorry, what’s the problem here?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wireless Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 Thank you for the responses! I have another question that I've been thinking about. Do you think it's wrong if he did put his arms around the girls to take the picture? He said me that he didn't, but I would like to know if I am reasonable to think that this is a wrong thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 I have another question that I've been thinking about. Do you think it's wrong if he did put his arms around the girls to take the picture? He said me that he didn't, but I would like to know if I am reasonable to think that this is a wrong thing to do. No I don't think it's wrong for him to have put arms around the other people in the picture. It's a bit more intimate then just standing there but again it's fairly normal & public assuming that everybody was only toughing G rated parts -- shoulders / waist etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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