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BF has a female roommate he slept with in the past


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Hi,

 

I've seen a post similar to this sitch but can't find again to post. Here's the short and sweet. Met a great guy, it's still new and shiny. We seem like a perfect match. He has a long time female friend (and her two kids) living with him. I'm totally fine with it, she's a great person and we get along famously. Until he recently told me they slept together about a year ago (before me and before she moved in). I have some baggage about cheating so I'm hypersensitive to any man that is still close friends with someone he's been intimate with. He claims that it was a mistake and reassures me there are no feelings other than they are roommates. He doesn't have 'shady' vibes if you get what I'm saying. And I don't have shady vibes when I'm around them. Oh ya, this woman is his ex best friends ex-wife <---I know, right?! Drama.

 

This is what I see. Here's a young pretty woman giving him the perfect family life but no sex but the one time in the past when they got stoned together. She cooks and cleans and maintains the home like any GF or Wife could do. He knows how to get her kids to sleep when they are fighting bedtime, he's the one she calls when disaster strikes. Men sure love to save a woman in distress. What a hero! It's in their DNA. I get that. I really want to believe him that there is nothing between them but on a subconscious level, there's an emotional attachment in which I can't compete. BTW, the entire 2 bedroom apartment is all her stuff except his bedroom. This is essentially her place, even though he's the one paying the rent (she pays a small portion, so I'm told).

 

My question is, are there any other self respecting women out here find this acceptable? Am I just being insecure and jealous? I want to make this work but I can't seem to think of anything short of her getting her **** together and moving out that would make this work between him and I. He's made it clear that her moving out is not an option.

Edited by amarix
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Question? Did you respect the GF and make the female roommate move out? This is the solution I gave and he balked at it saying 'there's no way he's kicking her and her kids out since she's not in a good place'. The way I see it, she'll never be in a good place so long as he provides for her and her spawn.

 

You're right, he's probably still bangin her. Maybe not on the regular but men can't resist a smoke show.

 

Thank you for being blunt. I needed it.

Edited by amarix
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You're right, he's probably still bangin her. Maybe not on the regular but men can't resist a smoke show.

 

Am I the only guy on the planet (or just in a ridiculously small minority) who has enough personal integrity to NOT 'bang' a friend who happens to be in convenient proximity because of financial problems?

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ExpatInItaly

How long is she planning on living with him? Is this temporary, or a rather indefinite arrangement?

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This is such a bizarre arrangement. I'm not sure I have any advice but personally I would walk away as I would want and expect for us to be a family and him to be there for me and treat me as a priority. While they're just friends, they have a history and regardless it is a form of intimacy. People always worry about sex on the side, but I see this as worse because its another level, they are a happily little family. He is contributing emotionally and financially. Unless he is very wealthy then this would concern me. Thinking long term. How often do they get stoned together? Do you see a future with him? What type of relationship?

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She cooks and cleans and maintains his home.

 

In other words, he's a total slacker and needs a mommy. Better her doing all of this than you.

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When is she planning on moving out with her kids and getting her own place? This is ridiculous. Is his best friend still his friend and why is she staying with him rather than her relatives? Totally unacceptable.

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I would not continue to date him. I also wouldn't demand that he make her move out. When you set up ultimatums -- her or me -- you always lose.

 

I'd break things off saying that the situation makes you uncomfortable. If she moves out & he contacts you in the future you can revisit dating him again but for now, have enough self respect to move along.

 

N.B. they will probably end up married to each other.

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Regardless if sex is still on the table, they're both playing house. I agree with Donnivain that there's a good chance they'll slide into a relationship and marriage at some point.

 

If you're already uncomfortable about the situation now, imagine a few months down the line when he's out with you getting contacts from her that he needs to come home to help out with her kids, or when she constantly hangs around like a Stepford housewife while you visit his home. Why be a third wheel to their relationship?

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Thank you all for your responses and making me feel less crazy/insecure. I ended it with him right after the first reply because it's all just way too uncomfortable for me. We all deserve to be someone's #1, myself included.

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Ex's are ex's. If I lost out on a relationship (was dumped essentially) because I had made the 'mistake' of helping out an ex who needed it, I'd be pretty upset. From the limited information in this thread, I totally identify with and sympathize with the guy. Just sayin'

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Ex's are ex's. If I lost out on a relationship (was dumped essentially) because I had made the 'mistake' of helping out an ex who needed it, I'd be pretty upset. From the limited information in this thread, I totally identify with and sympathize with the guy. Just sayin'

 

There's a big difference between "helping" & letting a former lover move in with her children.

 

While I wouldn't be thrilled if my SO helped an EX I could be Ok with it as a one time thing . . .but not if he was routinely her "white knight". I could probably even deal with he let her stay there for a week but playing house is a bridge too far

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I think you did right for you.

 

I don’t believe they have been hooking up on a regular basis because he found you.

 

I honestly believe he looks after her as a sister. Yep they tried to make a go of it. I have a few friends that did with goods friends. They said it was like being with their sibling. So there are those types of situations. Good friend from high school married a girl. They divorced a few months later, she said she loved him as a brother. He was crushed of course.

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I don’t believe they have been hooking up on a regular basis because he found you.

 

I agree with this. I feel like he was being truthful about his situation, but I think that the fact she does much of the housework means he's probably a bit of a slob and will cause problems if and when OP would have decided to move in with him.

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Am I the only guy on the planet (or just in a ridiculously small minority) who has enough personal integrity to NOT 'bang' a friend who happens to be in convenient proximity because of financial problems?

 

I get it.

 

But ....

 

These days I don't overthink sex. Its a natural thing and it is absolutely possible to enjoy sex for what it is ... a sort of adult game that has the potential to bring two consenting adults quite a bit of pleasure.

 

The main thing in my mind is to not create the illusion that the sex will lead to something else, which many people will just assume is going to be the case - its unspoken that sex will lead to a relationship of some type.

 

If you're upfront, completely honest, then I don't see the harm. If there is any sort of equivocation on behalf of your 'friend' then you don't go there, thats my basic rule.

 

As a sensitive young man I made many mistakes, and -did- absolutely link sex with a LTR, and I got hurt a lot! Once I 'grew up', emotionally, I realised that things don't have to be this way and communication is the key.

 

In the OP's case, just assume that the roommates are hooking up. Its the safest way, emotionally. Forget putting in endless hours overthinking what might be going on and just assume that it is.

 

If you can handle this, more power to you. If not, which is a very reasonable stance to take, well, something has to change. Either leave the BF or the roommate should move.

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Thank you all for your responses and making me feel less crazy/insecure. I ended it with him right after the first reply because it's all just way too uncomfortable for me. We all deserve to be someone's #1, myself included.

 

Thanks for updating us, and I think you have made the right move and saved yourself a lot of angst dealing with what seemed like a very messy situation. There are so many things about that situation that show he has no idea about healthy boundaries or how to value his friendships or relationships. Hope you're doing well.

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No. You two are not a perfect match. Stop lulling yourself into accepting an esteem-goring situation. She's his woman, no matter what he's saying to you. He's probably having sex way more often than he or she is admitting.

 

Here's the crusher here: that's her house since she's been there for a while and her mail is delivered there and the kids are registered for school at that address. She's not going to uproot them to make room for you and I doubt he's going to kick her out for someone he just met.

 

Do yourself a favor: steer clear of messy men who rescue their ex-best friend's ex-wives.

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The way I see it, she'll never be in a good place so long as he provides for her and her spawn.

 

Don't be ugly about innocent children. They didn't ask to be in this messy situation.

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I'm not really seeing anything to be worried about here.

 

If he is paying most of the rent, her cooking and keeping the place could simply be her way of either 'paying' her part or just to thank her to help her. Or simply the fact that she lives there (and you would expect any roommate to clean and sometimes share food).

 

 

Keep in mind that they slept together before they moved in together. It could have been one of those things where they were both looking for something casual, had sex, and remained friends. When she was in need, he stepped up to help her.

 

Have they slept together since she moved in? Is she acting too friendly, touchy feely almost flirty?

 

By all means, talk to your boyfriend. My new boyfriend is still in contact with his ex and my recent relationship fell apart because of the guy's exes. I told him I realize he has kids with her and she will be around but it's what worries me the most about our relationship at the moment. (he knows the whole story with my ex and why it bothered me)

He understands and said he would be transparent. So far they are talking for the kids and his ex is apparently super excited to meet me. She even told their oldest about me who ended up giving me a hug when we met so I'm assuming I was brought up as a good thing.

 

If I didn't say anything, I would probably still worry about it way more than I need to.

 

If this is an arrangement that works for both of them, there is no reason for them to make changes, especially if you haven't expressed discomfort.

For all you know, you saying it makes you a bit uncomfortable could be the one thing that makes them decide to end the arrangement.

 

If he gets all defensive about it, I would see it as a red flag but that's just me...

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Update - he's trying like hell to get back in good graces. I'll hear him out. yes, I have expressed great discomfort with the whole sitch. She doesn't seem touchy feely or dress inappropriately around him (since I've been around).

 

Please note: the kids are not his.

 

He didn't get defensive about it, but also didn't really try to help compromise (like is there an end date to this arrangement? from the sound of it, it's an open ended contract).

 

I'm talking to the girl tonight to feel things out. If anything, keep him at arms length for two things. Fishing (we are both avid fisherman) and sex. That's all I can be, and I'm ok with it knowing that it's just casual and not serious.

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Lotsgoingon

My worry here is more abstract--not that he's having sex with her--but that he doesn't know how to say no to people.

 

In my experience, dating someone who doesn't know how to set good limits (all that good energy should be spent on You!) ... is a a problem. He'll repeat this pattern later ... trying to rescue and be a hero in others' lives.

 

Having said that, I had a brother who was like your man. He could help friends and exes if they needed it ... and help them a lot ... and he had full integrity. Note: he did indeed get way more involved than he wanted (the boundaries issue) ... and that derailed his life a number of times. He admitted that.

 

He was spending so much time helping other people that he often neglected himself ... and it would take him a while to admit that he was over-giving of himself in ways that were not healthy.

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I'm talking to the girl tonight to feel things out. If anything, keep him at arms length for two things. Fishing (we are both avid fisherman) and sex. That's all I can be, and I'm ok with it knowing that it's just casual and not serious.

 

Talking to the girl about what? Also don't fool yourself that you can see him, have sex with him and not get hurt. You've already called him your boyfriend and you can't go back to being just friends. You will be jealous.

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I don't know about this amarix. There are plenty of fisherman and potential sex partners around. You don't need this guy.

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She is his ex-best friend's ex-wife and he slept with her.

When?

 

That's the part that I'd be more concerned about--more than anything else you have stated as red-flags.

 

Why 'ex-best-friend'? Did his friendship with her ex-husband fall apart due to his relationship with her? OP, do you know what the story behind that?

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To me it almost sounds like you're his shield so his best friend won't think he's with his ex. He's way too involved with her on a domestic level to be dating material. I like D0nnivain's advice best. Don't cause a stink, but just either tell him it's over OR start dating other guys and don't be available and let it fade away. Without knowing her, I can't say if she's using him or what. It's so common for "best friends" to covet their "best friend's" woman, that if I had to make a guess based on my lifetime, I'd say he always crushed on her and is letting her use him -- but is sex involved? If she wants it. Either way, I think she's who he's most involved with.

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