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Maddona complex after having girlfriend's sexual past forcibly shown to me


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So this is my story. I've read several threads on the MWC here, but they tend to be because the guy asks the girl about their sexual history and they get an unpleasant shock.

 

Let's see if mine can be generalized to that MWC and how do I deal with it?

 

I feel a bit unfairly treated because of the way my girlfriend's sexual past was forced on me.

 

Six months ago I met a girl , let's call her J. She was beautiful, sweet and we clicked right away. Even took me home to see her parents after just one month of dating, and was constantly dropping hints that all her relatives and friends were very encouraging of the relationship and were hoping to see us married. What can I say. I was madly in love with her and I also really wanted to make this girl my beautiful, sweet bride.

 

Three months into our dating, I get an email from some stranger. It was a married man who said he had been conducting an affair with my girlfriend and she ended it with him because she met me. He attached lots of photographic proof -half naked selfies she had sent him over the years.

 

Continued in next post

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Basically after he heard that my girlfriend wanted to dump him for me because she wanted a relationship with a future and no scandal/baggage, he freaked out and proposed to her and promised to divorce. But she still rejected him. He felt humiliated and angry. Since she had remained friends and maintained contact with him even after breaking up, he was able to glean enough info to find out who I was. Then he found my email address and sent his confession email and pictures as revenge (yeah, he's a real prince. But who am I to judge? I'm also horrible for having a Maddona whore complex).

 

After I got the email, Oh my lord was I shocked. The beautiful, innocent image I had constructed was torn down. I had all kinds of emotions. Oh my god, she was a homewrecker. His wife had confronted her a few years ago, but she still persisted with the affair. His wife had called my gf's father , who in turn called this married guy, but he denied it then. Yet they persisted.

 

 

Continued in next post so there isn't a wall of text.

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I'm concerned about you too but not because your GF dated a MM. I'm concerned because 1 month in you are talking about being in love & she has mentioned marriage. It's waaaaayyyyyy too early to be talking about marriage. You barely know each other. People who bring this stuff up so fast rarely have the maturity to sustain a LTR.

 

It sounds like her MM has poor boundaries too. I wouldn't want to be embroiled in all that drama. Does she know he's contacting you? Have you told him to stop?

 

If what you now know about your GF bothers you & you can't move past it break up. Staying together, judging her or punishing her is no way to live.

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For some context, she and I are in our late thirties, so you know, social pressure and all, just part of Asian society. I had been in a bad engagement previously, and had several blind dates and STR but none of these panned out.

It's not like she wanted to get married early. It was more like she was just teasing me, saying 'Look , all those people want us to be together. OMG, that's so nice' We fully intended to date a bit longer, but it was really heading in the right direction , you know? That is, until that letter and those photos shocked me.

So after I got the letter, I had a really unpleasant, confusing mix of emotions.

Anger-that she had been contacting him all along behind my back, and was still telling him she was torn between him and me in the early days of me dating her. Emotional cheating , I think it's called?

Lust- I saw those photos and I really got aroused all the time, imagining which hotel rooms they were taken in, and looking against her social media feed to see which date stamps matched the days those photos were taken.

Fear- Fear she would leave me.Fear that I was inadequate. What was I? A convenient boat to be jumped onto before she got too old to get a good man? Yes, that's an Asian thing. Women and their shelf life.

Jealousy- yes, that's the emotion that really persisted. I suddenly began to only see her in the warped perspective of that MM. He really tried hard to paint her as a harlot, seducing him, tempting him, and even told me in his letter about how many men she had been with before him. It's low. 5 men.

I really wasn't bothered about the fact she had 5 men. Those were single men and she had every right to be with them. It was her relationship with the MM that made me so insanely jealous. She was willing to skulk around in the shadows for him and he could have two women, and she didn't mind. But with me, she definitely would expect me to be monogamous and faithful. She wouldn't 'act like a mistress' around me. I guess this is the crux of what I felt subsequently. I felt somehow I was inferior to him because she was willing to be in some role for him that she would never do for me. Act all mistress-like, have a relationship for sex with no real prospect of marriage. But with me, she expected to be treated as a normal gf, with a vanilla relationship

Legitimate concerns- a borderline psycho , vindictive and on the loose, a desperado. He was willing to go all scorched earth . He indicated he was willing to send the email to her father. Also, I had to think of what would happen if he could find my colleagues, my friends, my relatives etc? He'd do anything to ruin things between us by airing his own dirty laundry. He was already estranged from his wife and divorce was likely to happen anyway, so it was unlikely that hiring a PI to find out who his wife was would dissuade him. Charges of criminal intimidation and blackmail would also be unlikely to deter him, because it would mean a circus and an audience, and more people to hear the sordid tale.

 

I told him nicely, please find your inner peace or something. Really didn't want to poke this crazy person.

 

Two weeks of really mind crushing agony later, I confront my girlfriend with what I know. She admits to all of it. Being a foolish white knight, I tell her I love her and forgive her, and 'everybody's got a past'. But she doesn't say she loves me back. When I ask her, she also doesn't say she doesn't love him anymore, instead giving a vague answer like 'he has lots of problems'. Also, she doesn't say she will stop contact with him, and doesn't apologise for maintaining contact with him even when she was with me. She just says she'll just keep to short answers and not reply so often to his messages. Her excuse being that she wanted to appease him, lest he really go full out insane if he's suddenly cut off. I really should have broken up with her then and there, but I was in love, and also I had a darker reason. I wanted to have sex with her. I couldn't stand breaking up with her if I didn't at least have sex with her. So I went along with her . Eventually, she breaks contact with him, but not because it was emotional cheating in the first place, but 'because he betrayed me by sending you stuff'. In other words, she was quite happy to continue chatting with him under my nose if he didn't betray her.

Edited by mingomatic
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You need to tell your GF and her dad that the OM is using

the internet to blackmail and extort your GF and you.

 

That you both need to file a police report and press charges for

his behavior is illegal.

 

Then you tell the GF you and her must go to IC. Her to come to

terms why she thought is was ok to be an OW and send photos

online that she would not want made public.

 

IC for you to handle the retroactive jealousy and see if you can

move past this.

 

Neither one wants NC then end this relationship. Though be a stand

up guy and support her in pressing criminal charges against

this pervert.

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Two weeks of really mind crushing agony later, I confront my girlfriend with what I know. She admits to all of it. Being a foolish white knight, I tell her I love her and forgive her, and 'everybody's got a past'. But she doesn't say she loves me back. When I ask her, she also doesn't say she doesn't love him anymore, instead giving a vague answer like 'he has lots of problems'. Also, she doesn't say she will stop contact with him, and doesn't apologise for maintaining contact with him even when she was with me. She just says she'll just keep to short answers and not reply so often to his messages. Her excuse being that she wanted to appease him, lest he really go full out insane if he's suddenly cut off. I really should have broken up with her then and there, but I was in love, and also I had a darker reason. I wanted to have sex with her. I couldn't stand breaking up with her if I didn't at least have sex with her. So I went along with her . Eventually, she breaks contact with him, but not because it was emotional cheating in the first place, but 'because he betrayed me by sending you stuff'. In other words, she was quite happy to continue chatting with him under my nose if he didn't betray her.

 

This alone, dump her.

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So I really should have dumped her early because she didn't acknowlegde the emotional cheating. She stopped contact with him because that MM betrayed him. But, as the end result was the same, I just continued my white-knighting with her. Telling her to forget the past, look to the future and for a while, I really meant that.

 

One week later, my plan worked. We had sex and it was great. I'm ashamed to say I only decided I wanted sex quickly because I saw the letter and the pictures and thought to myself 'Screw it. I'm not going to take it slow like I originally planned. She's no virgin and not innocent. She's a mistress. She should enjoy sex with ME' So later, after engineering a home cooked meal and some netflix and massaged her feet, yup, we did the deed.

 

You would think that this MWC could have been solved if she did see me as a sexually desirable male she wanted to have sex with, right? And the MWC should have been alleviated after my first time with her?

I thought so, but after that, my thoughts became dangerously warped. I saw her as NOTHING but a sexual being. The sexual innuendo in my exchanges with her increased markedly after that. Every conversation inevitably steered toward sexually suggestive territory and she could feel it. I kept talking about going to a hotel and checking in , and having her come in later. At first she went along because she thought it was just playful banter, but after a few days of this, she broke down and cried in front of me after I said ' Oh, you MUST love that banana' (the MM sent me a photo where she was holding a half eaten banana and made some suggestive comment like 'Is this your banana? I'm gonna eat it, yum yum yum' She knew exactly which photo I was thinking of and she knew exactly what I was thinking, and she knew I must have been constantly thinking of it.

She told me 'Why are you doing this all the time? You see these photos and you think that this is the entire representation of me. You see all the photos and you think I'm a sl*t, that I'm easy. That stuff was in the past. I want to put that behind me.' I got irrationally mad at that point and I was thinking 'That sounds to me like 'I will do this stuff for him (ie send suggestive selfies and naughty emails to him, go to hotels for illicit sex) , but not for you'. Truth be told, she did send me a few naughty sms'es after we did it 'You were so naughty, I can't believe it. YOu drove me crazy' etc. I should have been satisfied there and then that she did view me as a sexually attractive male, right? But no, those images forced upon me screwed me up so badly that I kept up this pissing contest with a past sexual partner. And that was the beginning of the end. I kept up with the sexual innuendo all the time. Those photos also led to a floodgate of inappropriate questions from me . And a lot of cheap shots from me at her past 'eg why can he have two women but I can't?'

 

Sigh. I didn't ask for my partners sexual past, like I shouldn't . I just got it forced upon me, and voila, MWC. Then all the inappropriate thoughts and questions started.

 

Gotta work now. Will write more later. Let this be a cautionary tale to you all males out there.

Edited by mingomatic
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She took you to meet her family and you had not slept together yet?

 

How long was it that you waited for sex?

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Better off with out her if she sees no problems with cheating. That is who she is. You don’t change over night.

 

The fact that she is still in contact is also troubling.

 

You have your problems because of this but it pails in comparison of the problems you will have if you marry her.

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ItsJustMyOpinion

Just be friends with benefits with her man. Keep on having fun but don't expect to have a white picket fence ending with her.

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Space Ritual

At this point, neither of you are ready for an LTR together.

 

And instead of being upset at the married guy...thank him for allowing you to dodge a bullet and make this one his problem again.

 

Why do you think her relatives were ready to marry her off to you after 1 month?

 

 

Because they know their own flesh and blood is a Trainwreck and would be happy to pawn her off to some poor schmuck like you to get her away from them.

 

She was sleeping with a married man for a while, not just a one off.....Dude, if she had no problem doing so knowing he was married, do you really think she will have a problem with having sex with one of your friends?

 

Get rid of this one. and fast. Or you are doomed to a future of misery

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Space Ritual
[quote

 

Continued in next post so there isn't a wall of text.

 

Have you thought about a paragraph. If you hit 2 carriage returns it creates a white space between thoughts or sections????

 

Always there to lend a helping helping hand in the midst of a grammatical Nightmare....LMAO!

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BarbedFenceRider

So, the MM's wife showed up....No change in habit. Then the dad showed up....No change in habit...You show up, White knight her ( she better be good looking!) and put into eternal friendzone until you netflix'd and chilled? Wow. She is a broken individual. And I would like to find out how the MM got your info....Scary.

 

BTW...You will never be her plan A. That is reserved for bad boys and large appendages...

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You said that the MM was estranged from his wife. If so, it's not cheating in my book. There probably wasn't even a need for sneaking around.

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mingomatic, it's clear you will never be able to respect her, so let her go. Continuing the relationship will be bad news for both of you.

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So, the MM's wife showed up....No change in habit. Then the dad showed up....No change in habit...You show up, White knight her ( she better be good looking!) and put into eternal friendzone until you netflix'd and chilled? Wow. She is a broken individual. And I would like to find out how the MM got your info....Scary.

 

BTW...You will never be her plan A. That is reserved for bad boys and large appendages...

 

Well, she admitted she tagged me on her Facebook feed. Also told him what my job was. My profile has my real name. And I'm in a regulated profession, so he can look me up on the public register . And my company has a website and my picture, profile and work email is on there. Sigh.

 

Anyway, at the time I thought they were both dishonest and did something really wrong . But at the time I was so blinded by my white knighting that I tried to rationalize my gf's actions in the here and now. I kept telling myself that the only reason this guy was acting out was because my gf truly wanted to renounce her illegitimate relationship and seek redemption. And yes, she is beautiful to me.

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Space Ritual
Well, she admitted she tagged me on her Facebook feed. Also told him what my job was. My profile has my real name. And I'm in a regulated profession, so he can look me up on the public register . And my company has a website and my picture, profile and work email is on there. Sigh.

 

Anyway, at the time I thought they were both dishonest and did something really wrong . But at the time I was so blinded by my white knighting that I tried to rationalize my gf's actions in the here and now. I kept telling myself that the only reason this guy was acting out was because my gf truly wanted to renounce her illegitimate relationship and seek redemption. And yes, she is beautiful to me.

 

 

And???????

 

You realize the reason the Hurricane known as your girlfriend even mentioned how he could contact you, right?

 

Why is this guy nuts about her and willing to blow his own life apart to be with her?

 

Can you believe anything she says?

 

Dude come on, you aren't seriously going to cave into accepting one moment of this low drama are you?

 

I will try to be about as nice about this as I can. I know you have strong feelings for her and she is beautiful and all that jazz...but her parents were ready to ship her off on you like they were returning a broken washing machine to Sears before they went out of business.

 

She still has the MM in her life, To what extent, you'll truly never know.

 

Frankly, why would you want to know? She is showing you who she is, and we've all seen this movie many times.

 

The result is usually the same. Not in a good way either.

 

This is about as good as it's gonna get with her.

 

Respect yourself enough to see that your current relationship needs to see it's last Sunrise.

 

Good Luck

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And???????

 

You realize the reason the Hurricane known as your girlfriend even mentioned how he could contact you, right?

 

Why is this guy nuts about her and willing to blow his own life apart to be with her?

 

Can you believe anything she says?

 

Dude come on, you aren't seriously going to cave into accepting one moment of this low drama are you?

 

I will try to be about as nice about this as I can. I know you have strong feelings for her and she is beautiful and all that jazz...but her parents were ready to ship her off on you like they were returning a broken washing machine to Sears before they went out of business.

 

She still has the MM in her life, To what extent, you'll truly never know.

 

Frankly, why would you want to know? She is showing you who she is, and we've all seen this movie many times.

 

The result is usually the same. Not in a good way either.

 

This is about as good as it's gonna get with her.

 

Respect yourself enough to see that your current relationship needs to see it's last Sunrise.

 

Good Luck

 

Bang her a few more times and then cut bait?

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Just cut bait. Affairs are not normal relationships, they are deeply rooted in fantasy. Just jump over to the other women section and read some of the irrational thought processes there and how these women place this loser married men on pedestals.

 

You can't compete with that, this lady is still neck deep with this guy any further involvement with her would be foolish on your part, even just sex. Just run

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Bang her a few more times and then cut bait?

 

I think he already ruined any chance of new crazy sex. At best, he's getting vanilla sex with the girl only half invested.

 

He's blasted her over the sexual stuff in the photos he saw. He pushed so hard on those acts, he's got her rebelling against anything like that, to protect her image.

 

To quote, "You see these photos and you think that this is the entire representation of me. You see all the photos and you think I'm a sl*t, that I'm easy. That stuff was in the past. I want to put that behind me."

 

Now any kinky sexual acts have been lumped into the past she's wanting to escape from, when they most likely weren't before. She even showed signs of being down before he turned it into something to be angry over.

 

This is the problem with White Knights and voicing jealousy over sexual history. You run the risk of cutting off the thing you're wanting. Instead of attempting to keep sex fun and introduce the things he wanted to do with her, he shamed her for doing those things with someone else.

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BarbedFenceRider

Why tempt fate, and get her pregnant or you with a STD....

 

I've seen this episode before...It doesn't end well. Just eject. Bail out from this crash before it hits the ground.....

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Sorry but this behavior of her's is a little fresh.....she still has a lot of growing up to do...don't let her do it on your time. Dump her.

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At some of these responses ... Just wow.

 

Mingomatic, it seems you have given this so much thought and you have described what happened and how you feel about it very eloquently... It seems you have tried very hard to be objective, but you're having a hard time convincing yourself. I agree that for two reasons this budding relationship has been utterly ruined and should be ended:

 

1. You are not moving past this. You're throwing it in her face and shaming her and the knowledge is negatively affecting your own behavior.

 

2. She still has the married man in her life for whatever reason. She didn't answer you when you asked her if she loves him, and she didn't confess to loving you when you told her that you love her. She even admitted that she has no plan (concrete or otherwise) of removing this man from her life.

 

It would take considerable time and effort on both of your parts to get past something like this, and most people won't consider it for such a new relationship. It is usually reserved for LTRs and marriages... Most people just cut their losses.

 

For the two reasons above, I vote that you should end it. If circumstances were different, I might vote the other way... But they are not.

 

You saw her one way and that image has been ruined. But she is not and never was this "image" - she is a person, an individual. She is in her late thirties. She has a history, as you have acknowledged. Unfortunately, that history (well, some of it) has been foisted on you... I'm sorry about that.

 

Something similar happened to me. And I was in your ex(?) girlfriend's position. I was a villain. I never thought I would be a villain in this particular capacity either.

 

If you're intrigued about my mindset at the time, keep reading...

 

I had been involved with a married man and decided that I wanted to break away even though what I really wanted was to be with him. I hadn't pushed him out of my life at that point, because I thought we were "friends". I met and started dating someone else, someone who was verifiably single and quite interested. In the first month of dating, he asked me directly if I had been involved with the married man, and I lied to him. I felt it wasn't his business, plus the affair had been a secret. We were just dating after all, and it hadn't become serious.

 

Well, at the three month mark, I felt that it was becoming more serious, and I wanted to pursue a "real" relationship with him, so I confessed to the affair. He stopped dealing with me. After about a month, he changed his mind.

 

But I hadn't kicked the married man out of my life yet... he was still my "friend" and I still talked to him, even if we weren't sleeping together. it was a true emotional affair.

 

So, one day the married man "needed me" and it interfered with my plans with the single guy, and I let it. I was emotionally invested in this married man, you see. I was completely invested emotionally. At this point, the single guy cut it off with me completely. As he should have. Like another poster said, this woman has a lot of growing up to do... I had a lot of learning to do... some hard learned lessons, I tell you.

 

I did end up cutting things completely off with the married man, and he was NOT happy about that. But who would be when they are eating and having their cake at the same time?

 

I had been a fool. I knew I wanted a serious and monogamous relationship. I had the opportunity, and I blew it. The married man should never have been there, but he was. When I started dating the single guy, I should've forced the MM right the hell out of my life. But I didn't. And there were consequences for that.

 

I am still in the process of coming to terms with what I have done and working hard to become a better, more aware, more authentic person - a person with integrity. The responses in your thread make it seem that people like me will be forever tainted by their past actions, that any redemption is unavailable. That hurts.

 

In any case, the single guy and I didn't speak for a long while, but one day he started speaking to me again. I thought he was just being friendly, but he started asking me to do things with him. I took this to mean that he wanted to date me again... I was so excited, and I kept talking about what had happened and apologizing... I wanted him to recognize and validate the progress that I had made with my mindset, and prove that my actions and words were matching...

 

but I suppose I was confused.

 

He would make dates and break them. And he did this for another year until I stopped him and went no contact. He had been toying with me, and that wasn't fair, no matter the circumstances. I don't think he meant to do this necessarily, or maybe he did.. maybe it was his revenge on me... or maybe he just couldn't get back to the way he once felt about me and being around me. His knowledge of my affair and how I had lied about it to him and just everything had tainted anything we could have had together. Perhaps that is as it should be.

 

At the time he realized that he couldn't entertain the idea of me at all, that should've been the end. So, I have to admonish you for sleeping with this young lady knowing there was a chance you weren't going to move forward with her. That is a chink in your own armor, a mark on your own character - or that is how she might see it in the aftermath.

 

Anyway, I wanted to be angry with him, and I was for a couple of weeks... but my overarching thought on the matter is that he made the best decision for himself, his life. That doesn't include me. And that's OK. I wish I had made different decisions, but I didn't... and it hurts to know that I hurt someone else with my actions. He will always remember that when he thinks of me. And I have had to learn to let it go and move on, because there is nothing else aside from correction that I can do.

 

I know you had high hopes for this young lady; we all have desire to love and be loved. But with where she is today, I advise that it would be unwise to move forward. It would also be unwise to use her for sex.

Edited by Vivir
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Do you know how long she knew the MM before they did it? I too don't think he's very married if he's truly estranged from his wife, but then why not divorce.

 

She didn't use you. You treated her like a lady, and she liked it. That's not a crime. You can't handle it, so move on. You've only known her a short time anyway, so no big loss. But don't use her up first. He was mean and controlling to do what he did. I would fault her IF she was still in contact with him after he did that to her.

Edited by preraph
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