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Maddona complex after having girlfriend's sexual past forcibly shown to me


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 5th March 2018, 10:59 AM   #1
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Maddona complex after having girlfriend's sexual past forcibly shown to me

So this is my story. I've read several threads on the MWC here, but they tend to be because the guy asks the girl about their sexual history and they get an unpleasant shock.

Let's see if mine can be generalized to that MWC and how do I deal with it?

I feel a bit unfairly treated because of the way my girlfriend's sexual past was forced on me.

Six months ago I met a girl , let's call her J. She was beautiful, sweet and we clicked right away. Even took me home to see her parents after just one month of dating, and was constantly dropping hints that all her relatives and friends were very encouraging of the relationship and were hoping to see us married. What can I say. I was madly in love with her and I also really wanted to make this girl my beautiful, sweet bride.

Three months into our dating, I get an email from some stranger. It was a married man who said he had been conducting an affair with my girlfriend and she ended it with him because she met me. He attached lots of photographic proof -half naked selfies she had sent him over the years.

Continued in next post

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 7th March 2018 at 8:19 AM.. Reason: paragraphs ~T
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:10 AM   #2
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Basically after he heard that my girlfriend wanted to dump him for me because she wanted a relationship with a future and no scandal/baggage, he freaked out and proposed to her and promised to divorce. But she still rejected him. He felt humiliated and angry. Since she had remained friends and maintained contact with him even after breaking up, he was able to glean enough info to find out who I was. Then he found my email address and sent his confession email and pictures as revenge (yeah, he's a real prince. But who am I to judge? I'm also horrible for having a Maddona whore complex).

After I got the email, Oh my lord was I shocked. The beautiful, innocent image I had constructed was torn down. I had all kinds of emotions. Oh my god, she was a homewrecker. His wife had confronted her a few years ago, but she still persisted with the affair. His wife had called my gf's father , who in turn called this married guy, but he denied it then. Yet they persisted.


Continued in next post so there isn't a wall of text.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 7th March 2018 at 8:20 AM.. Reason: paragraphs ~T
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:42 AM   #3
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I'm concerned about you too but not because your GF dated a MM. I'm concerned because 1 month in you are talking about being in love & she has mentioned marriage. It's waaaaayyyyyy too early to be talking about marriage. You barely know each other. People who bring this stuff up so fast rarely have the maturity to sustain a LTR.

It sounds like her MM has poor boundaries too. I wouldn't want to be embroiled in all that drama. Does she know he's contacting you? Have you told him to stop?

If what you now know about your GF bothers you & you can't move past it break up. Staying together, judging her or punishing her is no way to live.
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Old 5th March 2018, 11:54 AM   #4
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For some context, she and I are in our late thirties, so you know, social pressure and all, just part of Asian society. I had been in a bad engagement previously, and had several blind dates and STR but none of these panned out.
It's not like she wanted to get married early. It was more like she was just teasing me, saying 'Look , all those people want us to be together. OMG, that's so nice' We fully intended to date a bit longer, but it was really heading in the right direction , you know? That is, until that letter and those photos shocked me.
So after I got the letter, I had a really unpleasant, confusing mix of emotions.
Anger-that she had been contacting him all along behind my back, and was still telling him she was torn between him and me in the early days of me dating her. Emotional cheating , I think it's called?
Lust- I saw those photos and I really got aroused all the time, imagining which hotel rooms they were taken in, and looking against her social media feed to see which date stamps matched the days those photos were taken.
Fear- Fear she would leave me.Fear that I was inadequate. What was I? A convenient boat to be jumped onto before she got too old to get a good man? Yes, that's an Asian thing. Women and their shelf life.
Jealousy- yes, that's the emotion that really persisted. I suddenly began to only see her in the warped perspective of that MM. He really tried hard to paint her as a harlot, seducing him, tempting him, and even told me in his letter about how many men she had been with before him. It's low. 5 men.
I really wasn't bothered about the fact she had 5 men. Those were single men and she had every right to be with them. It was her relationship with the MM that made me so insanely jealous. She was willing to skulk around in the shadows for him and he could have two women, and she didn't mind. But with me, she definitely would expect me to be monogamous and faithful. She wouldn't 'act like a mistress' around me. I guess this is the crux of what I felt subsequently. I felt somehow I was inferior to him because she was willing to be in some role for him that she would never do for me. Act all mistress-like, have a relationship for sex with no real prospect of marriage. But with me, she expected to be treated as a normal gf, with a vanilla relationship

Legitimate concerns- a borderline psycho , vindictive and on the loose, a desperado. He was willing to go all scorched earth . He indicated he was willing to send the email to her father. Also, I had to think of what would happen if he could find my colleagues, my friends, my relatives etc? He'd do anything to ruin things between us by airing his own dirty laundry. He was already estranged from his wife and divorce was likely to happen anyway, so it was unlikely that hiring a PI to find out who his wife was would dissuade him. Charges of criminal intimidation and blackmail would also be unlikely to deter him, because it would mean a circus and an audience, and more people to hear the sordid tale.

I told him nicely, please find your inner peace or something. Really didn't want to poke this crazy person.

Two weeks of really mind crushing agony later, I confront my girlfriend with what I know. She admits to all of it. Being a foolish white knight, I tell her I love her and forgive her, and 'everybody's got a past'. But she doesn't say she loves me back. When I ask her, she also doesn't say she doesn't love him anymore, instead giving a vague answer like 'he has lots of problems'. Also, she doesn't say she will stop contact with him, and doesn't apologise for maintaining contact with him even when she was with me. She just says she'll just keep to short answers and not reply so often to his messages. Her excuse being that she wanted to appease him, lest he really go full out insane if he's suddenly cut off. I really should have broken up with her then and there, but I was in love, and also I had a darker reason. I wanted to have sex with her. I couldn't stand breaking up with her if I didn't at least have sex with her. So I went along with her . Eventually, she breaks contact with him, but not because it was emotional cheating in the first place, but 'because he betrayed me by sending you stuff'. In other words, she was quite happy to continue chatting with him under my nose if he didn't betray her.

Last edited by mingomatic; 5th March 2018 at 12:50 PM..
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Old 5th March 2018, 5:21 PM   #5
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You need to tell your GF and her dad that the OM is using
the internet to blackmail and extort your GF and you.

That you both need to file a police report and press charges for
his behavior is illegal.

Then you tell the GF you and her must go to IC. Her to come to
terms why she thought is was ok to be an OW and send photos
online that she would not want made public.

IC for you to handle the retroactive jealousy and see if you can
move past this.

Neither one wants NC then end this relationship. Though be a stand
up guy and support her in pressing criminal charges against
this pervert.
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Old 5th March 2018, 5:23 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mingomatic View Post
Two weeks of really mind crushing agony later, I confront my girlfriend with what I know. She admits to all of it. Being a foolish white knight, I tell her I love her and forgive her, and 'everybody's got a past'. But she doesn't say she loves me back. When I ask her, she also doesn't say she doesn't love him anymore, instead giving a vague answer like 'he has lots of problems'. Also, she doesn't say she will stop contact with him, and doesn't apologise for maintaining contact with him even when she was with me. She just says she'll just keep to short answers and not reply so often to his messages. Her excuse being that she wanted to appease him, lest he really go full out insane if he's suddenly cut off. I really should have broken up with her then and there, but I was in love, and also I had a darker reason. I wanted to have sex with her. I couldn't stand breaking up with her if I didn't at least have sex with her. So I went along with her . Eventually, she breaks contact with him, but not because it was emotional cheating in the first place, but 'because he betrayed me by sending you stuff'. In other words, she was quite happy to continue chatting with him under my nose if he didn't betray her.
This alone, dump her.
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Old 5th March 2018, 10:17 PM   #7
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So I really should have dumped her early because she didn't acknowlegde the emotional cheating. She stopped contact with him because that MM betrayed him. But, as the end result was the same, I just continued my white-knighting with her. Telling her to forget the past, look to the future and for a while, I really meant that.

One week later, my plan worked. We had sex and it was great. I'm ashamed to say I only decided I wanted sex quickly because I saw the letter and the pictures and thought to myself 'Screw it. I'm not going to take it slow like I originally planned. She's no virgin and not innocent. She's a mistress. She should enjoy sex with ME' So later, after engineering a home cooked meal and some netflix and massaged her feet, yup, we did the deed.

You would think that this MWC could have been solved if she did see me as a sexually desirable male she wanted to have sex with, right? And the MWC should have been alleviated after my first time with her?
I thought so, but after that, my thoughts became dangerously warped. I saw her as NOTHING but a sexual being. The sexual innuendo in my exchanges with her increased markedly after that. Every conversation inevitably steered toward sexually suggestive territory and she could feel it. I kept talking about going to a hotel and checking in , and having her come in later. At first she went along because she thought it was just playful banter, but after a few days of this, she broke down and cried in front of me after I said ' Oh, you MUST love that banana' (the MM sent me a photo where she was holding a half eaten banana and made some suggestive comment like 'Is this your banana? I'm gonna eat it, yum yum yum' She knew exactly which photo I was thinking of and she knew exactly what I was thinking, and she knew I must have been constantly thinking of it.
She told me 'Why are you doing this all the time? You see these photos and you think that this is the entire representation of me. You see all the photos and you think I'm a sl*t, that I'm easy. That stuff was in the past. I want to put that behind me.' I got irrationally mad at that point and I was thinking 'That sounds to me like 'I will do this stuff for him (ie send suggestive selfies and naughty emails to him, go to hotels for illicit sex) , but not for you'. Truth be told, she did send me a few naughty sms'es after we did it 'You were so naughty, I can't believe it. YOu drove me crazy' etc. I should have been satisfied there and then that she did view me as a sexually attractive male, right? But no, those images forced upon me screwed me up so badly that I kept up this pissing contest with a past sexual partner. And that was the beginning of the end. I kept up with the sexual innuendo all the time. Those photos also led to a floodgate of inappropriate questions from me . And a lot of cheap shots from me at her past 'eg why can he have two women but I can't?'

Sigh. I didn't ask for my partners sexual past, like I shouldn't . I just got it forced upon me, and voila, MWC. Then all the inappropriate thoughts and questions started.

Gotta work now. Will write more later. Let this be a cautionary tale to you all males out there.

Last edited by mingomatic; 6th March 2018 at 12:16 AM..
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:32 AM   #8
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hold on for a second...

She took you to meet her family and you had not slept together yet?

How long was it that you waited for sex?
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:40 AM   #9
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If she'll cheat WITH a married man, she'll cheat ON a married man.

Dump her.
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Old 6th March 2018, 12:48 AM   #10
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Better off with out her if she sees no problems with cheating. That is who she is. You donít change over night.

The fact that she is still in contact is also troubling.

You have your problems because of this but it pails in comparison of the problems you will have if you marry her.
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Old 6th March 2018, 1:26 PM   #11
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Just be friends with benefits with her man. Keep on having fun but don't expect to have a white picket fence ending with her.
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Old 6th March 2018, 4:26 PM   #12
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At this point, neither of you are ready for an LTR together.

And instead of being upset at the married guy...thank him for allowing you to dodge a bullet and make this one his problem again.

Why do you think her relatives were ready to marry her off to you after 1 month?


Because they know their own flesh and blood is a Trainwreck and would be happy to pawn her off to some poor schmuck like you to get her away from them.

She was sleeping with a married man for a while, not just a one off.....Dude, if she had no problem doing so knowing he was married, do you really think she will have a problem with having sex with one of your friends?

Get rid of this one. and fast. Or you are doomed to a future of misery
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Old 6th March 2018, 4:30 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
[QUOTE

Continued in next post so there isn't a wall of text.
Have you thought about a paragraph. If you hit 2 carriage returns it creates a white space between thoughts or sections????[/QUOTE]

Always there to lend a helping helping hand in the midst of a grammatical Nightmare....LMAO!
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Old 6th March 2018, 4:50 PM   #14
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So, the MM's wife showed up....No change in habit. Then the dad showed up....No change in habit...You show up, White knight her ( she better be good looking!) and put into eternal friendzone until you netflix'd and chilled? Wow. She is a broken individual. And I would like to find out how the MM got your info....Scary.

BTW...You will never be her plan A. That is reserved for bad boys and large appendages...
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Old 6th March 2018, 5:20 PM   #15
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You said that the MM was estranged from his wife. If so, it's not cheating in my book. There probably wasn't even a need for sneaking around.
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