LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating > Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

Did I overreact or was breaking up over flirting the right decision?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

Like Tree58Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 4th March 2018, 1:56 PM   #31
Try
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,220
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
She is married, but she has not felt her marriage has been working for a long time and we fell in love through the dance scene. I was 'the other man' in a separate affair about a year ago, and I can't believe I have wound up in this situation again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
I do not feel comfortable with the way she acts with certain guys who are obviously flirting with her. But strangely, I don't feel jealous of her husband because I know their marriage isn't healthy. She has cheated on him twice in the last ten years, but they were both one-time encounters. This was a full-blown affair and she lives with me while he is traveling on business. Please don't judge me. I just want to be loved, get married and have children, and she matched really well with me.
First, I posted my last post prior to reading that she was married.

She is a serial cheater that has a proven track record of not respecting relationship boundaries. You are a serial other man that has a proven track record of not respecting the relationship boundaries of husbands. Yes “she matched really well with” you. Her husband believes her lies about her relationship with him, and you believe her lies about her relationship with you. A match made in cheater’s heaven.
Try is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th March 2018, 2:42 PM   #32
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 13,073
It’s pretty obvious she’s a player. Says all the right things, manipulates and gaslights. All you men to stop blaming her for what happened, she never hid the fact she was married, why her husband was upset with her, and never hid her flirtations. This falls on the choices the op made and any other man that crosses her path. I agree with one poster, the op had the knowledge to know he needed to steer clear from this type of woman, but he didn’t. She didn’t make the right choice herself. She needed to steer away from guys who get emotionally invested. My guess is she likes the control, the chase to feed her low self esteem. She never was a good person so why get involved? Just like many players take advantage of women.....they think they are special and can be the one to tame their wild ways.
__________________

You are a fool if you believe that having each others passwords = trust.
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th March 2018, 3:08 PM   #33
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Hemisphere, Earth
Posts: 1,182
Thank you everyone for knocking some sense into me.

I did send a message last night to our dance team director and quit the team. I realized I cannot be on the same team with this woman and dancing with her for the next four months for multiple hours ever week, let alone friends with this woman.

I do agree with everything ya'll have written. But I don't blame her or myself as being "the bad guy." We both made mistakes. I have worked hard to try and make things as smooth as possible with her by acknowledging both sides of the story (her side = I have jealousy issues I need work on; my side = I was not comfortable watching other guys flirt openly with her and her not care at all that it bothers me). I do feel that where we got stuck is when she cared more about being right and honoring her side of the story than she did about honoring both of our sides for the sake of love and restoring balance to the relationship. I do feel that is the approach I tried to take with her. When she didn't make the mutual effort with me, I feel that is when it finally collapsed. But that's just my take on it.

The good news is that it was only a short while before this woman showed me her true colors, and I was already on alert because of the previous woman I dated who was engaged. In other words, I was able to keep my heart protected enough. I don't feel very emotionally invested in this person. Yes, I feel upset at the moment because the pain is raw. But I don't feel like I want her back in that way. I'm not even sure I want her in my life as a friend. I see her in a totally different way than I did just a week ago. So, I don't worry about getting through the loss of the relationship. I know I will be fine about this all in a short period of time.

But there are a couple of things I am not sure on how to proceed in our social community...

1. Even though I'm leaving the dance team, we know a lot of the same people in the dance community and I'm sure we will be seeing each other around. I'm sure people are talking about us already and suspect something is going on, so I don't know how to handle any questions that come up.

2. The married woman introduced me to a friend of hers who has known for a few months, and the friend likes me. The friend is single, attractive, works next door to me, and is a nice girl/traditional type. While I was dating the married woman, the married woman said she would be fine if I went out with her friend and got into a relationship with her eventually. I have her phone number and am considering pursuing her. If I do, how do I handle any potential questions about why I'm not in contact with the married woman anymore? And if we end up in a relationship, should I disclose to her the truth about what happened one day? Should I even pursue her at all? I don't think they are too close, and I'm sure if we hit it off that it could work itself out.

Last edited by TunaInTheBrine; 4th March 2018 at 3:31 PM..
TunaInTheBrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th March 2018, 4:11 PM   #34
Try
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,220
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
I do agree with everything ya'll have written. But I don't blame her or myself as being "the bad guy."
If you do not see that as cheaters you both are “the bad guy”, then you do not really “agree with everything” we have written.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
The good news is that it was only a short while before this woman showed me her true colors
Actual she showed you “her true colors” before then, as she was showing them to you the second that she agreed to cheat with you. And please don’t tell me that it was OK to cheat with her because she was ending her marriage. That is just what most cheaters say to rationalize their cheating. Your not suppose to be gullible enough to really believe this. Heck she does not really believe this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
The married woman introduced me to a friend of hers who has known for a few months, and the friend likes me. The friend is single, attractive, works next door to me, and is a nice girl/traditional type. While I was dating the married woman, the married woman said she would be fine if I went out with her friend and got into a relationship with her eventually.
The fact that your affair partner introduced you to an attractive single friend that she told you she would be fine with you going out with “and got into a relationship with”, tells you that your affair partner did not really mean it when she told you that she wanted to marry you and have children with you.

They say that “if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you”. Your experience with 2 out of 2 married affair partners in just the last 2 years has shown this to be true. Learn from this.

Last edited by Try; 4th March 2018 at 4:13 PM..
Try is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th March 2018, 4:33 PM   #35
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Hemisphere, Earth
Posts: 1,182
Quote:
Originally Posted by Try View Post
If you do not see that as cheaters you both are “the bad guy”, then you do not really “agree with everything” we have written.
I never said I wasn't the bad guy too. I admitted that I was in the wrong as well, that I had failed myself, and that I felt culpable for my role.
TunaInTheBrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th March 2018, 4:59 PM   #36
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6,137
Don't pursue her friend...
just block the whole lot of them out of your life. Where do you live that the only option is her friend? Common...You can do better than that surely.

You want to get married and have a family...then you need to get with single..unengaged and unmarried women.

She tried to make this all your fault...I feel sorry for her poor husband... a wife hopping into bed with men at the drop of a hat.

She's not worthy of being anybody's wife.

I think you would benefit from therapy...because there must be something that draws you to such women.

Are you really scared of commitment deep down..hence you choose unavailable women?

Even with the last woman...If you were really looking to settle..why get with a woman in an open relationship? She wasn't your GF to settle with ... she just wanted different sex.

Maybe stop for a minute...take a little break from dating and really think what you want and how best to go about getting it.

What qualities do you want in a wife? I'd have thought loyalty was a given...so stop dabbling with women who only want hot and steamy sex from you..unless that's all you want.

You don't go into a Chinese takeaway if you want Indian food.
__________________
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th March 2018, 5:30 PM   #37
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 13,073
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
Thank you everyone for knocking some sense into me.

I did send a message last night to our dance team director and quit the team. I realized I cannot be on the same team with this woman and dancing with her for the next four months for multiple hours ever week, let alone friends with this woman.

I do agree with everything ya'll have written. But I don't blame her or myself as being "the bad guy." We both made mistakes. I have worked hard to try and make things as smooth as possible with her by acknowledging both sides of the story (her side = I have jealousy issues I need work on; my side = I was not comfortable watching other guys flirt openly with her and her not care at all that it bothers me). I do feel that where we got stuck is when she cared more about being right and honoring her side of the story than she did about honoring both of our sides for the sake of love and restoring balance to the relationship. I do feel that is the approach I tried to take with her. When she didn't make the mutual effort with me, I feel that is when it finally collapsed. But that's just my take on it. God where is your head at man.

The good news is that it was only a short while before this woman showed me her true colors, and I was already on alert because of the previous woman I dated who was engaged. In other words, I was able to keep my heart protected enough. I don't feel very emotionally invested in this person. Yes, I feel upset at the moment because the pain is raw. But I don't feel like I want her back in that way. I'm not even sure I want her in my life as a friend. I see her in a totally different way than I did just a week ago. So, I don't worry about getting through the loss of the relationship. I know I will be fine about this all in a short period of time.

But there are a couple of things I am not sure on how to proceed in our social community...

1. Even though I'm leaving the dance team, we know a lot of the same people in the dance community and I'm sure we will be seeing each other around. I'm sure people are talking about us already and suspect something is going on, so I don't know how to handle any questions that come up.

2. The married woman introduced me to a friend of hers who has known for a few months, and the friend likes me. The friend is single, attractive, works next door to me, and is a nice girl/traditional type. While I was dating the married woman, the married woman said she would be fine if I went out with her friend and got into a relationship with her eventually. I have her phone number and am considering pursuing her. If I do, how do I handle any potential questions about why I'm not in contact with the married woman anymore? And if we end up in a relationship, should I disclose to her the truth about what happened one day? Should I even pursue her at all? I don't think they are too close, and I'm sure if we hit it off that it could work itself out.
You are making a bad choice once again. You think she will dismiss your choice to have an indiscretion with a married woman, especially someone she knows? Maybe you don't see anything wrong with it, but that doesn't mean other people won't. I think it's very selfish to put someone in that position once they have invested in a relationship with you.
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th March 2018, 5:38 PM   #38
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Hemisphere, Earth
Posts: 1,182
Quote:
Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
You are making a bad choice once again. You think she will dismiss your choice to have an indiscretion with a married woman, especially someone she knows? Maybe you don't see anything wrong with it, but that doesn't mean other people won't. I think it's very selfish to put someone in that position once they have invested in a relationship with you.
That's a solid point. You're right. Thanks for confirming what I had already feared.
TunaInTheBrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th March 2018, 6:14 PM   #39
Try
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,220
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
But I don't blame her or myself as being "the bad guy."
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
I never said I wasn't the bad guy too. I admitted that I was in the wrong as well, that I had failed myself, and that I felt culpable for my role.
Let's look at what just happened:

1) You post "But I don't blame her or myself as being "the bad guy".

2) I show this post by you and reply directly to your words when I post that "If you do not see that as cheaters you both are “the bad guy”, then you do not really “agree with everything” we have written.

3) You show and reply to this post by me, and then try to state with a straight face that "I never said I wasn't the bad guy too".

How on earth can you possibly post that "I never said I wasn't the bad guy too", when the statement that we are talking about was you saying "But I don't blame her or myself as being "the bad guy"'? My gosh the cheaters force and illogic is strong with you. No wonder you can rationalize cheating with multiple married women, and somehow think that you have relationship boundary rights with these cheating women that their husbands do not.

Last edited by Try; 4th March 2018 at 6:17 PM..
Try is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th March 2018, 6:21 PM   #40
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Hemisphere, Earth
Posts: 1,182
Quote:
Originally Posted by Try View Post
Let's look at what just happened:

1) You post "But I don't blame her or myself as being "the bad guy".

2) I show this post by you and reply directly to your words when I post that "If you do not see that as cheaters you both are “the bad guy”, then you do not really “agree with everything” we have written.

3) You show and reply to this post by me, and then try to state with a straight face that "I never said I wasn't the bad guy too".

How on earth can you possibly post that "I never said I wasn't the bad guy too", when the statement that we are talking about was you saying "But I don't blame her or myself as being "the bad guy"'? My gosh the cheaters force and illogic is strong with you. No wonder you can rationalize cheating with multiple married women, and somehow think that you have relationship boundary rights with these cheating women that their husbands do not.
What I mean is, we are both in the wrong, but neither of us is more to blame than the other. I am doing what I can on my part to take responsibility and move forward for the best. I apologize for the confusion.
TunaInTheBrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2018, 2:20 AM   #41
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 999
Ach! says this grumpy old man. Dancers I've been around for long enough to quickly walk the other way where dancers or actors may be. My gramps was a headwaiter at a fancy Chicago hotel in the 1930's. He used to tell me stories about serving Al Capone and what a good tipper he could be if he liked you. He also told me the place had a sign posted that said "NO actors or beggars allowed on the premises". That the place served gangsters and killers but wouldn't let 'showpeople' in was a puzzle until I grew up and realized why...
Poutrew is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2018, 5:34 PM   #42
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 6,364
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
What I mean is, we are both in the wrong, but neither of us is more to blame than the other. I am doing what I can on my part to take responsibility and move forward for the best. I apologize for the confusion.
Take responsibility?

Have you drawn the line in the sand and will no longer date a
MW?

Or how about you were good enough to have sex with this WW
behind her BH's back. Are you good enough to apologize to the
BH's face for having sex with his WW behind his back?
road is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2018, 6:58 PM   #43
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Hemisphere, Earth
Posts: 1,182
Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
Take responsibility?

Have you drawn the line in the sand and will no longer date a
MW?

Or how about you were good enough to have sex with this WW
behind her BH's back. Are you good enough to apologize to the
BH's face for having sex with his WW behind his back?
I understand what you mean and agree. Point taken.
TunaInTheBrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 1:32 PM   #44
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 54
Just have fun, this is way too much drama.

You want to get married and have children with women who flirt with other guys in front of you, or women married to other dudes?

Like the guy said above, you're looking toward the wrong women if that's what you want.

In the meantime, why are you quitting a team and a hobby that you enjoyed before this woman ruined it? Why are you letting her affect your dancing hobby and where you dance at?

I just don't understand because you're in a great place but you see yourself as this hurt little puppy. You've got a married woman who is fun in bed and will obviously hook up with you as well as hook you up with her single friends, you've got a dance hobby that you can meet OTHER women in, and you're single because you've eliminated another option (well, she eliminated herself) from your picture of a happy ending.

I don't even understand why you're sulking about it all.
ItsJustMyOpinion is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2018, 10:03 PM   #45
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Hemisphere, Earth
Posts: 1,182
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItsJustMyOpinion View Post
Just have fun, this is way too much drama.

You want to get married and have children with women who flirt with other guys in front of you, or women married to other dudes?

Like the guy said above, you're looking toward the wrong women if that's what you want.

In the meantime, why are you quitting a team and a hobby that you enjoyed before this woman ruined it? Why are you letting her affect your dancing hobby and where you dance at?

I just don't understand because you're in a great place but you see yourself as this hurt little puppy. You've got a married woman who is fun in bed and will obviously hook up with you as well as hook you up with her single friends, you've got a dance hobby that you can meet OTHER women in, and you're single because you've eliminated another option (well, she eliminated herself) from your picture of a happy ending.

I don't even understand why you're sulking about it all.
Maybe if I were my younger self, I would think this is a wonderful situation. But I don't. Whatever sulking I did was based on the initial impact of feeling a loss over someone that I perceived as being worthwhile. But that sulking has been sobering, and thankfully, not prolonged. I feel I'm moving beyond that part now. What's left is my wanting to do what feels like the right thing to do, simply because it's the right thing in principle.

I left the team because 1) I really only stood on it because we were dancing partners, and 2) I feel I was disrespected by the bozo who hit on her after I had already talked to him about this and a couple of other things prior that are unrelated to her. I know some will say I'm hypocritical about being upset with this guy since I was dating a married woman. So be it. I feel leaving the team is the best choice for me as I won't put up being in this kind of environment. I believe she's quitting too now, or so she says, but I am learning I can't really trust what she says anymore. I want nothing to do with the team anymore. I won't be able to focus. Too much bad energy for me in that room.

Regarding dancing as a hobby, I wouldn't say she is affecting that at all. Yeah, I quit the team, but I'm still a dancer and quite active in the dance scene. I do love what I do. I will continue to exercise that part of my life and enjoy it on my own terms. I do much better dancing privately with practice partners or instructors, and then practicing what I know in clubs, rather than being on a team.

Regarding other women, I am already moving on and talking to other women who are single (and not friends with her). I'm not jumping into anything right away until I digest a little more what I just went through. I want to be sure I'm not jumping from one situation to the next. I'm going to be a lot more careful like I should have been. I am very serious about finding a woman to marry and have children with.

Finally, regarding her, I think we are trying to be on good terms. She still wants to be "friends" and hang out sometimes. I would like to find a way to do that, but I am finding it hard to trust that we are capable of a healthy relationship based on how she deals with conflict between us when it comes up. She does not like to share responsibility for when conflict happens and heaps all of the blame onto the other person. She seems like a really sweet girl when you meet her (and she can be), but when it comes to conflict, she really struggles to see how her behavior impacts other people and she can lack empathy. I'm also still "on probation" with her on social media for deleting her, and she still doesn't seem to think that what happened between us is anything but my problem...yet she is texting me for up to two hours each day this week so far. So, while I'd be willing to give friendship a shot with her, I have a feeling that even future conflict in friendship will prove to be really one-sided to the point that it is maddening. I can totally see why her husband has "given up," as she puts it, and "just accepts whatever she wants to do." He supports her financially, she has expensive taste, and he funds all of her solo vacations and their couple vacations. She has cheated on him three times so far (that I know of). She gets away with A LOT. I'm not willing to be in a romantic relationship with a woman like that. I've worked too hard and have too many other options. Still, I will find a way to be on good terms with her after all of this, even if we only bump into each other at dance events on occasion. I don't want to have any leftover negative energy on my side when I come out of this. I'm going to find a way to keep peace between us for me, not for her or for "us."

I definitely can't let myself hook up with her anymore if it's going to be just about the sex. I was only doing it before because it seemed like she was considering exiting her marriage and felt a "real love connection" with me. I would have stayed in it if that were true, even if we didn't meet under ideal circumstances. But I quickly saw her true colors. I'm nobody special to her. She isn't interested in the work that a real relationship requires (not with me, and obviously not with her husband). As soon as I realized that, I put a boundary in place, and knew better than to continue seeing her. I don't find casual sex very fulfilling these days, and when I am in the mood for it I don't think I would feel good about doing it with a married woman. And especially not her. I have lost a lot of respect for her. For her to earn me back would take such a massive turnaround on her part that I know is impossible based on what I understand about her personality.

Basically, I'm looking out for myself. I think I can be a pretty great guy, though I did a pretty awful thing by being with this woman. I deserve someone and something better. I don't feel like I miss her or she's "the one" or any of that junk, like I did with the engaged woman I saw last year. I saw the light much, much sooner this time around, and for that I am thankful. Had I not had that prior situation a year ago with the engaged woman, I don't know if I would have been able to save myself from this one this early on. The damage could have been A LOT worse. I know I'm going to be okay.

I DO want a real, evolving relationship that will lead to marriage and children, and with someone who is as oriented toward self-growth as I am. This woman demonstrated to me with her behavior that she is not that type of woman, and that she needed to be eliminated, as you said. I'm glad I was willing to see the truth for what it was so early on, and not be blinded by the illusion of love, just because I want it so much. I know better than that now.

Last edited by TunaInTheBrine; 6th March 2018 at 10:36 PM..
TunaInTheBrine is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Breaking up with a leach and trying to stick with the decision. Shindig Breaks and Breaking Up 5 20th June 2014 5:43 PM
Did I overreact by breaking up? gobruins79 Breaks and Breaking Up 8 4th March 2013 3:03 AM
Did I overreact by breaking it off? Kallen Dating 51 23rd February 2012 7:18 PM
Nearly Won Her Back After Breaking A Month, But Respected Her Decision For Now.. WJN39 Second Chances 19 18th August 2011 2:06 AM
Did I make the right decision breaking up with my boyfriend? shooting_star22 Coping 7 9th June 2004 10:11 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:26 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.