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Did I overreact or was breaking up over flirting the right decision?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 2nd March 2018, 12:39 PM   #16
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It's just so hard. I get so tired of dating, especially the online dating scene, and I'm tired of being lonely all the time. I'm in my mid-thirties, and I just want someone regular in my life who I feel special with.

I agree though that the idea of going through the pain again that I went through last time in a similar situation would be awful, potentially much worse this time if the woman became pregnant.

One thing I do feel good about, however, is that I am more confident in asserting boundaries with this woman than I was with the previous engaged woman, and I don't have much hope that this woman will leave her husband and be with me, whereas in my previous relationship with the engaged woman I truly believed she would (she did, but she left me at the same time - so I was an exit strategy).

I am so ashamed. I have failed myself. I am short-cutting the dating system because I can't tolerate the long-term loneliness that will inevitably be part of the process of finding true love. I am putting bad energy into the world by doing this, and I am going against my own values of honoring the sacredness of commitment (i.e. the commitment of their marriage). I am so sorry.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 12:42 PM   #17
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I am glad that you ended the trickle truthing.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 1:43 PM   #18
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Dude, you did yourself a favor. Why are you even questioning your reasoning?

Flirty contact is noticeable. It causes physical stimulation in those involved and the pretense of that communication can be boiled down to one simple declaration: I AM ATTRACTED TOWARD YOU.

Being attracted to multiple people is nothing new. However, if you are in a relationship, you've made a commitment both to your partner and yourself that should that attraction arise, it would not deter or falter the relationship as the reciprocation of attraction shouldn't be acted upon.

What I'm trying to say is that this broad is no dummy. She knew exactly what kind of messages she was sending to him by allowing him into her personal space (touching, feeling, grabbing) while simultaneously completely disrespecting you and her relationship with you. "Oh let me play the na´ve card and act like I don't know what the reciprocation of flirty behavior toward men will get me".

BULL****!

Some women are naturally flirty and can give the wrong signals when simply being nice. Responding to holding, grabbing, touching, etc. in a flirtatious manner (laughing, reciprocation of touch, seemingly inviting more of it) however is not how a woman would respond to unwanted advances. A woman who is with a man and respects him would be able to very easily act defensively in the same manner. An example would be "oh hey, you're really cool but my boyfriend wouldn't appreciate having your hands on my hips and neither do I." Or moving away from the guy who can't seem to keep his hands off her. Not laughing at his stupid jokes. Etc.

She knew exactly what she was doing, and the fact that she did it right in front of you should have had you leaving this relationship faster than she could finish laughing.

You are the prize here. You are the man. You are genetically wired to attract multiple mates and to be the object of desire for the women of our world.

I suggest you realize how ****ing awesome you really are and act as such because the sooner you do, the sooner women will respond to it, and the sooner you can leave behind a woman who did nothing but disrespect you.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 1:56 PM   #19
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lesson learned, move on.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 1:22 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
It's just so hard. I get so tired of dating, especially the online dating scene, and I'm tired of being lonely all the time. I'm in my mid-thirties, and I just want someone regular in my life who I feel special with.

I agree though that the idea of going through the pain again that I went through last time in a similar situation would be awful, potentially much worse this time if the woman became pregnant.

One thing I do feel good about, however, is that I am more confident in asserting boundaries with this woman than I was with the previous engaged woman, and I don't have much hope that this woman will leave her husband and be with me, whereas in my previous relationship with the engaged woman I truly believed she would (she did, but she left me at the same time - so I was an exit strategy).

I am so ashamed. I have failed myself. I am short-cutting the dating system because I can't tolerate the long-term loneliness that will inevitably be part of the process of finding true love. I am putting bad energy into the world by doing this, and I am going against my own values of honoring the sacredness of commitment (i.e. the commitment of their marriage). I am so sorry.
An affair is not dating..dating is when a relationship has the potential to move forward. What is your end goal as far as relationships go?
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Old 3rd March 2018, 5:32 PM   #21
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An affair is not dating..dating is when a relationship has the potential to move forward. What is your end goal as far as relationships go?
Marriage and 1-2 kids is my end goal. And I want my relationship to be an evolving one that is based on mutual self-improvement.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 7:58 PM   #22
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We wound up texting for a couple of hours last night to figure things out.

She was firm that we were done romantically, but that she is open to staying friends, hanging out in public (not alone at my place), and remaining dancing partners.

She was unwavering on her take on the situation that led to the breakup - she really believes she did not do anything wrong and the problem is 100% my insecurity. I let her vent, agreed with her that I have issues, apologized, and told her I understood the rationale for not being together anymore.

Silently, not telling her this, but I still believe that even if she didn't "do" anything wrong, I wish she would have responded more sensitively to my feeling concerned that some guy was coming on to her and she did nothing about it. I don't disagree with anything she said about my insecurity, but I do believe most guys in my situation would have felt some degree of jealousy if they saw what I saw that night. What ultimately pushed me over the edge with her was not the event itself, because I know she is not going to do anything with that guy, but it was the way she ultimately put 100% of the issue onto me when I brought it up with her in a very rational and non-accusatory way. I felt like I did the responsible thing by naming my jealousy and wanting to talk about it. But I feel it's pointless to argue about it with her now, so I'm not going to push it anymore. I felt she deserved to be heard and understood last night when venting to me through text, and I had no disagreement with anything she said. Not last night, and not on the night that we fought and I broke up with her because of the flirting issue.

She said she wants to help me, as a friend, to work through my insecurity so I don't repeat this with another woman. She also said because I removed her from my social media accounts, she's not re-friending me until after some time when I've shown her I've matured. I'm "on probation." She said she lost all romantic feelings for me because of the way I exploded and kicked her out of my apartment that night. I guess I wouldn't want to be with me either. I swear I was calm initially and thought the conversation would go well, but I got more and more upset when she could not empathize at all with my feelings about what I saw. But that's my issue, I guess, if she is not willing to help or do something about it. And that was why I chose to break up with her. She put the issue in my hands, made me 100% responsible, and at that point I knew it was either swallow my feelings and let her be open to these guys' advances or draw a line and say I am not willing to accept it and walk away. I chose the latter.

In conclusion, I don't disagree with her on anything she has said or felt throughout all of this; I've taken her very seriously, and I am willing to own up to my behavior and make changes where I can over time. But what ultimately upset me that night, and what still does, is that I do not feel she is willing to consider her own role, no matter how 'innocent' her intentions were. I am not entirely surprised though. I know in her marriage that when she is upset with her husband she gives him the silent treatment for several days, and she has admitted that over the years her husband has "given up" and "learned to accept" her ways. I know he protested her dancing hobby initially, because he felt it was risky and inappropriate, but ultimately he "gave up and accepted it" and then shortly after is when she met me while out dancing, and we started the affair some months later. I didn't bring this up to her because I know throwing it in her face will not do any good, but I can see her husband's point. I saw it with my own two eyes. She does not know how to draw boundaries until it's too late. I guess neither do I.

When I saw my dance teammate obviously flirting and escalating interest in this woman, in my head I saw her and myself when we first met. I saw no boundaries being drawn, no indication that she was taken by another man. I saw in my head the night she initiated the first kiss with me in my car. I saw the past instances when she told me about how cheated on her husband with a couple of one night stands. And then, there in that moment, with my teammate flirting with her in front of me and her smiling and laughing back, I knew that only thing I could do was either be like her husband and "accept it" or say I don't feel good about it and want to address it, whether her intentions with this guy are innocent or not.

She does admit that she has her own problems and wants to work on them (always being late, on her phone, disorganized), but that's what she says. I haven't known her personally long enough to see what she does. I really, really hope she is not pregnant with my child.

I hope we can make the friendship and dance partnership work. We've committed to work together for the next several months.

Last edited by TunaInTheBrine; 3rd March 2018 at 9:29 PM..
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Old 3rd March 2018, 10:48 PM   #23
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On probation for setting clear an appropriate boundaries?
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Old 3rd March 2018, 11:39 PM   #24
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She wants to "help you, as a friend, work through your insecurity," huh? How altruistic of her! And here I thought she was just a self-absorbed, narcissistic, run-of-the-mill hussy!

Tuna! Snap out of it! This woman is flagellating you for being a normal male who doesn't want his gf acting as if she may want to get it on with another man! Right in front of his face, no less!

And you're apologizing as she whips you into shape!

You know the way you felt when you watched her making goo goo eyes with the other guy? Well, her hubby would feel a million times worse if he knew what she's been doing with you!

You have no room to complain about the way she's treating you, sorry. Quit talking with her. Quit doing anything with her. She's a dead end. With a cliff right there where the road stops where you can dive off into a deep dark abyss!
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Old 4th March 2018, 1:57 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
We wound up texting for a couple of hours last night to figure things out.

She was firm that we were done romantically, but that she is open to staying friends, hanging out in public (not alone at my place), and remaining dancing partners.

She was unwavering on her take on the situation that led to the breakup - she really believes she did not do anything wrong and the problem is 100% my insecurity. I let her vent, agreed with her that I have issues, apologized, and told her I understood the rationale for not being together anymore.

Silently, not telling her this, but I still believe that even if she didn't "do" anything wrong, I wish she would have responded more sensitively to my feeling concerned that some guy was coming on to her and she did nothing about it. I don't disagree with anything she said about my insecurity, but I do believe most guys in my situation would have felt some degree of jealousy if they saw what I saw that night. What ultimately pushed me over the edge with her was not the event itself, because I know she is not going to do anything with that guy, but it was the way she ultimately put 100% of the issue onto me when I brought it up with her in a very rational and non-accusatory way. I felt like I did the responsible thing by naming my jealousy and wanting to talk about it. But I feel it's pointless to argue about it with her now, so I'm not going to push it anymore. I felt she deserved to be heard and understood last night when venting to me through text, and I had no disagreement with anything she said. Not last night, and not on the night that we fought and I broke up with her because of the flirting issue.

She said she wants to help me, as a friend, to work through my insecurity so I don't repeat this with another woman. She also said because I removed her from my social media accounts, she's not re-friending me until after some time when I've shown her I've matured. I'm "on probation." She said she lost all romantic feelings for me because of the way I exploded and kicked her out of my apartment that night. I guess I wouldn't want to be with me either. I swear I was calm initially and thought the conversation would go well, but I got more and more upset when she could not empathize at all with my feelings about what I saw. But that's my issue, I guess, if she is not willing to help or do something about it. And that was why I chose to break up with her. She put the issue in my hands, made me 100% responsible, and at that point I knew it was either swallow my feelings and let her be open to these guys' advances or draw a line and say I am not willing to accept it and walk away. I chose the latter.

In conclusion, I don't disagree with her on anything she has said or felt throughout all of this; I've taken her very seriously, and I am willing to own up to my behavior and make changes where I can over time. But what ultimately upset me that night, and what still does, is that I do not feel she is willing to consider her own role, no matter how 'innocent' her intentions were. I am not entirely surprised though. I know in her marriage that when she is upset with her husband she gives him the silent treatment for several days, and she has admitted that over the years her husband has "given up" and "learned to accept" her ways. I know he protested her dancing hobby initially, because he felt it was risky and inappropriate, but ultimately he "gave up and accepted it" and then shortly after is when she met me while out dancing, and we started the affair some months later. I didn't bring this up to her because I know throwing it in her face will not do any good, but I can see her husband's point. I saw it with my own two eyes. She does not know how to draw boundaries until it's too late. I guess neither do I.

When I saw my dance teammate obviously flirting and escalating interest in this woman, in my head I saw her and myself when we first met. I saw no boundaries being drawn, no indication that she was taken by another man. I saw in my head the night she initiated the first kiss with me in my car. I saw the past instances when she told me about how cheated on her husband with a couple of one night stands. And then, there in that moment, with my teammate flirting with her in front of me and her smiling and laughing back, I knew that only thing I could do was either be like her husband and "accept it" or say I don't feel good about it and want to address it, whether her intentions with this guy are innocent or not.

She does admit that she has her own problems and wants to work on them (always being late, on her phone, disorganized), but that's what she says. I haven't known her personally long enough to see what she does. I really, really hope she is not pregnant with my child.

I hope we can make the friendship and dance partnership work. We've committed to work together for the next several months.
Hey Tuna, we've met before on LS.

You already know what a going to say but it really bears repeating.

You have only been dating for a short duration. She exhibits this behavior in this initial stage?

The amount of time you put into the last post should be about the same mount of time you should reflect upon what you did wrong.

Which was nothing,

She didn't take long to show you who shh was, so consider yourself lucky. And for God's sake, don't be friends or anything else for that matter, with her. It will come back to bite you and you'll accept crumbs from somebody who has loose boundaries and wants you to just get over it.


Dance away from her like she smells of gasoline and regret, because if you cave in at all, she will burn your heart and make you regret it.
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Old 4th March 2018, 8:10 AM   #26
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Hey Tuna, we've met before on LS.

You already know what a going to say but it really bears repeating.

You have only been dating for a short duration. She exhibits this behavior in this initial stage?

The amount of time you put into the last post should be about the same mount of time you should reflect upon what you did wrong.

Which was nothing,


She didn't take long to show you who shh was, so consider yourself lucky. And for God's sake, don't be friends or anything else for that matter, with her. It will come back to bite you and you'll accept crumbs from somebody who has loose boundaries and wants you to just get over it.


Dance away from her like she smells of gasoline and regret, because if you cave in at all, she will burn your heart and make you regret it.
While I would generally agree under normal circumstances, he did knowingly choose to get involved with a married woman.

This entire arrangement was a mistake right out of the gate, and he failed himself by not steering clear of her to begin with. He went wrong by trying to get a normal "relationship" started with someone else's wife.
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Old 4th March 2018, 10:23 AM   #27
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While I would generally agree under normal circumstances, he did knowingly choose to get involved with a married woman.

This entire arrangement was a mistake right out of the gate, and he failed himself by not steering clear of her to begin with. He went wrong by trying to get a normal "relationship" started with someone else's wife.
An OM expecting faithfulness from a WW?
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Old 4th March 2018, 12:23 PM   #28
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Marriage and 1-2 kids is my end goal. And I want my relationship to be an evolving one that is based on mutual self-improvement.
So why do you keep sabatoging yourself by screwing around with married women?
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Old 4th March 2018, 1:10 PM   #29
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Tonight, the particular guy who I am concerned about was again flirting with her during dance class - touching her, joking, smiling, looking into her eyes charmingly and hugging her, and then putting his arm around her after class finished. He is known to pick up girls in our class, and I am not cool with him flirting with her and her smiling back at him, touching him, laughing, hugging, etc... I confronted her later and told her I was not comfortable with this. She believes that since she has no interest in this guy that there is no problem. She thinks I should not feel jealous or upset at all since she is not interested in him.
Her allowing another man who’s flirtying with her included “touching her, joking, smiling, looking into her eyes charmingly and hugging her, and then putting his arm around her after class finished” was out of line for someone in an exclusive relationship. Her ”smiling back at him, touching him, laughing, hugging” him back in response only encouraging the other man and was disrespectful to you and her relationship with you. I do not buy the false logic that this is OK because she claims to be “not interested in him”, as this is giving him the opportunity to get her to become interested in him.

If the the other man was fat, unattractive, not intelligent, and thus not someone that would be a viable potential suitor, there is no way that she would have allowed the other man to touch her in this way, and that she would touch him back like she did. Science shows that touching is a key component of the human mating ritual, and that enjoyable mating brain drugs are released during such touching.

You did the right thing. When it came to her relationship with you, she was not willing to have the common and reasonable boundaries that you requested. Move on and find someone that will.

Last edited by Try; 4th March 2018 at 1:21 PM..
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Old 4th March 2018, 1:39 PM   #30
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So you went from being the side piece of a married woman to auditioning to be her new girlfriend????

Congratulations?

And if you do have issues with trust and insecurity, going after a married woman with a "flirty"/"bubbly" personality who you know for a fact has no problem cheating on her partners, probably isn't the best type of woman to go after.

Last edited by JS84; 4th March 2018 at 1:51 PM..
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