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She kissed someone else


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 13th February 2018, 11:43 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by RonJames21 View Post
I'm 32 and she is 30, we've been together nearly a year. She played it off like it was nothing. She says she was drunk and it was an old friend she had not seen in years.

A day later she was more apologetic. She's never done anything like this before, I've never had any reason to suspect her of anything, but I can't let it go.

There were tears...after she saw how much it bothered me. I can't tell if she genuinely thought it meant nothing and then realized she went too far or if I just can't trust her.

Then I wonder, did it go further than kissing? I don't know. She has, for a long time now, acted like she wants to be with me "forever". I have never had to deal with this and I worry if I forgive her she will see it as me saying this behavior is okay. I do love her though...very much. This shocked me, I wouldn't have thought this would happen.

Please reread this post.

Jeeze, it's littered with her justifications and excuses, with a sprinkling of "we've heard this one before"


Years ago I decided that these type of indiscretions, even IF totally innocent, were a deal breaker for me regardless.

It is totally up to you what you want to do.

But I submit to you that if you allow your Girlfriend to just explain this away as "nothing" and sweep it under a rug, you WILL be in for a repeat performance of her Tonsil Hockey with "friends".

I can tell you with 100 percent confidence that not dealing with this will give her the impression that while you are upset, you aren't mad enough about it to show her consequences. Which is the relationship equivalent of Ambassador April Glaspie basically telling Sadaam Hussein that the United States had no particular interest in Kuwait in the summer of 1990.
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Old 13th February 2018, 11:54 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by RonJames21 View Post
she does seem remorseful
There is a vast difference between seeming and being.

Being remorseful is through consistent actions over a period of time(months, years).

Seeming remorseful is an act. Since you have not shown her consequence 1, you'll never get to a point of her being remorseful without action. You just don't wake up one day and seem remorseful.

You wanna know why she told you? Because she knew if she didn't SOMEONE ELSE was going to. So she just tried to nip it in the bud and minimize her role in it. Probably a mutual friend saw it and she knew it.

So do not think for a minute that her version of events has not been sanitized for your consumption.

Remorse is like a Wall Drug in South Dakota...you'll wonder where the hell it is but you'll know it when you see it.

Thus far you have seen nothing. Words are cheap. Actions are EVERYTHING.

If you want to draw some comparison and insight on how to deal with it, put on a Type O Negative album. That band explores these issues on a regular basis, and maybe they will help the scales to fall from your eyes.
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Old 13th February 2018, 11:57 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by RonJames21 View Post
Then I wonder, did it go further than kissing? I don't know. She has, for a long time now, acted like she wants to be with me "forever". I have never had to deal with this and I worry if I forgive her she will see it as me saying this behavior is okay. I do love her though...very much. This shocked me, I wouldn't have thought this would happen.
Here's how it looks to me, and I've been down this road many times....

You're her boyfriend/fiance/husband. She has sex with you. Makes babies with you. Shares a mortgage with you (as example). Other guys, they are moments. Heck, those guys could be women, meaning the same psychology and behaviors set applies. For women, intimacy is wide-ranging and many-faceted. They can tell someone else they love them, kiss them, show them physical affection, whatever, and still feel very devoted and faithful to their spouse/fiance/boyfriend. Those other things are just moments in their lives, here now, gone the next. They feel good. They're not committed to those other people, rather you.

In all the instances I've been personally aware of or involved in, no sex occurred, which aligned with sex as the affair boundary for the individuals involved. The other stuff either 'meant nothing' or was 'friendly'.

However, relationships are not contracts of adhesion, rather mutually negotiated in good faith. Your boundaries of behavior, and hers, are sacrosanct. If such behaviors as you described violate your boundaries, cool, communicate that and deal with the results. The most common one I've heard over the decades - 'He doesn't mean anything to me'. Quite right in cases where I was the unwitting dope to be him. They were just users of the moment. Humans are like that sometimes. Those particular ones were great teachers.

Myself, I wouldn't pay it significant mind unless noting marked numbers of orbiters lurking. If so, that would indicate to me poor boundaries and the use of sexual allure to attract attention. I wouldn't want that in a partner I was committed to. Some guys don't mind the orbiter thing. You'll choose for yourself.
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Old 13th February 2018, 1:56 PM   #19
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Hi RonJames21,
I am sorry to hear that. It is really hard to trust nowadays because it seems so easy for people to just do crazy things when they are caught up in the moment. It is unfortunate but I have seen it many times where two people hit it off and decide to live together. But after some time the same passion that overcame her happens with someone else. And the pattern repeats. If you really love her talk it over with her as to how to move forward. Your commitment to one another is the only thing that is holding your relationship.
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Old 13th February 2018, 2:11 PM   #20
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I can only speak for myself but my girlfriend romantically kissing anyone other than me is grounds for immediate termination. People lacking that particular boundary are not worth the effort.
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Old 13th February 2018, 3:42 PM   #21
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She's demonstrated that she's not trustworthy... not who you want as a wife or life partner.

She's shaken the foundation of your relationship...would you build a house on a shaky foundation with subsidence? There's your answer...it's high risk.
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Old 14th February 2018, 8:44 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Guildford View Post
Many who have responded to this post seem to think that "I kissed a guy" translates into "I had sex with the guy." What happens to the poor girl who did just kiss a guy at a party and feels the need to confess? If you trust your girlfriend, and have no evidence to the contrary, then you should take her at her word.
[]

I have seen trickle truth thousands of times. Where the WW/GF said they
never touched just talked. Eventually they admit it was just one kiss.
Then they made out, but no petting. Petting a little. Then just oral, I swear,
that's all. Well we had sex, but it was only one time. Eventually it was
not just a ONS and the WW/GF had sex more times than the can exactly
remember.

I cannot remember where when the truth came out it was that they just
had one drunk kiss.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 14th February 2018 at 1:48 PM.. Reason: Topical content
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Old 14th February 2018, 11:11 AM   #23
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You do realize they probably had sex right???

One year, no kids, not married. Cut your losses and bail.
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Old 14th February 2018, 1:22 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guildford View Post
Many who have responded to this post seem to think that "I kissed a guy" translates into "I had sex with the guy." What happens to the poor girl who did just kiss a guy at a party and feels the need to confess? If you trust your girlfriend, and have no evidence to the contrary, then you should take her at her word.


The Lion's share of us who inhabit this subforum have had Literally the SAME exact scenario pop up, regardless of Gender.

Taking people at their word in these matters are part of the reason most of us landed here

So no, most of us have taken people at their word to our own chagrin. And you won't find much sympathy or agreement here for horse crap justifications that include the word "just"
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Old 14th February 2018, 2:26 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by RonJames21 View Post
We're not married, she is my gf. As for how I found out, she told me. She was acting kind of weird and then said she did something I might not like, but like I said she originally tried to play it off as nothing. She claims she was drunk and wasn't thinking. I do not buy this excuse.

I don't think she'd be pleased if I did the same. I don't know what to do this came out of nowhere. I do love her, she does seem remorseful, but now I'm suspicious of everything she does. She claims the kissing is something she used to do in her circle of friends, like kissing as like, I dunno, she went back and forth...like it was an inside joke among friends.
Are we talking les bises, or are we talking open mouth, tongues and the whole 9 yards?

If she felt that remorseful and strange, then more than a peck on either side of the face (les bises) went on. You don't play that off--it's a greeting between friends. And for the record, I don't kiss my friends in a way that causes me to 1. play it off to my SO or 2. show up remorseful and strange the next day.

And if she can't control her mouth when she drinks, then she's got a drinking problem and perhaps should stop drinking since she does stupid things when she does.

I'd cut her loose---she's messy and can't control herself when she's out drinking and sees an ex.
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Old 14th February 2018, 2:36 PM   #26
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Are we talking les bises, or are we talking open mouth, tongues and the whole 9 yards?
^^^^ That's a good question and, adding, was it that she kissed the guy or she let him kiss her? There is a difference. Of course, there are no independently verifiable answers to the questions unless you were there personally. You have to decide to trust the recount from her or any witness.

Another factor is she was 'drunk' but not sufficiently to not remember what she did or participated in. She remembered and with enough clarity to tell you.

Lastly, here's a TFH scenario...... It's a shyte-test or sour the milk strategy. If you have only her story and no witnesses, it's really hard to know.

Ever met this guy? Shook his hand, looked him in the eye? Since she apparently 'hasn't seen him in years' I doubt it. Still, valid question.

As far as stay or leave, IMO if the foundation is good and this is a blip in an otherwise productive and loving relationship, use it as a boundary lesson, as well as a canary regarding drinking, and move forward. If other, move on.
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Old 14th February 2018, 4:23 PM   #27
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OP....some people can forgive, some people can't. If she had a sketchy history of being too flirty, being secretive, a cheater of past relationships and all that crap then ya I would agree she needs to be kicked to the curb. BUT if she has been solid up until that point, hey maybe she is being straight with you. I'll give her credit, she told you and not someone else. No one ever really knows how to just come out and admit some kind of infidelity, hence why she didn't give too many detail at first.

So it's up to your own judgement if you want to simply cut your losses or not. I know it's way too easy to say "Dump them!" you have a lot invested, so take your time before you make your decision, so you will feel comfortable you did give it fair thought.
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Old 16th February 2018, 8:54 AM   #28
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When a woman cheats by kissing, she won't tell u anything : u will never know. If she confesses to kissing, she is confessing to having sex, or very sexual activity, groping, hands inside her, her pleasuring him e.g bj.
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Old 16th February 2018, 5:30 PM   #29
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When a woman cheats by kissing, she won't tell u anything : u will never know. If she confesses to kissing, she is confessing to having sex, or very sexual activity, groping, hands inside her, her pleasuring him e.g bj.

Especially when "Just" or "Only" is included in the explanation.


It was "Just" a kiss
We were "only" at the same party
It "just" happened.

You know it's even worst when they exclaim those two words with emphasis. So much in fact that when you hear it you tend to think to yourself "Here comes the horse pucky"...
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Old 22nd February 2018, 2:40 AM   #30
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Higher odds that it would have to have been more than just a kiss.
Seriously, how many people here (Guys and girls), only kiss, THATS IT.


Man, my hands get surgically placed in and around any opening of her cloths.
I then do a topological exploration of the surfaces for any "Hills", and "Crevasses". For scientific reasons.. seriously..


Come on, lets get real. Its all part of the fun.
So, I reckon its more than just a 13 year olds version of a Disney kiss she blurts out.


So, like Blues said, dump because once you open the "Long life Milk", it only lasts a short time, before you need to throw it away.




Ted.
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