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Where do I go from here?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 10th February 2018, 10:11 AM   #1
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Where do I go from here?

Iíve been good friends with this girl. We occasionally would hook up. I did develop feelings for her but I never took her seriously. I know she really cared for me. We would hook up on and on for a few years. The entire time, we remained friends.

Eventually I ended up getting a new girlfriend. I know she was deeply hurt because she always wondered why I didnít take HER seriously. It was always just too toxic between us. But I always found myself drawn to her. She is really beautiful, smart and funny. We do have a deep connection. I canít explain why I didnít take her seriously.

She was always respectful when i had a girlfriend. Like she didnít hook up with me at all. We were just friends. My girlfriend was always jealous of her. Maybe not jealous but she definitely didnít like our friendship. She would post mean things about her from time to time on social media and I would always have to convince my friend that the things she posted werenít about her.
My girlfriend and I broke up in May 2017. I was devastated and I would try and get her back. I would even talk to my friend about it and she would give me like positive thoughts.

In September my grandfather became very ill. I had to go overseas to stay with him his last days. I would email my ex all the time and EVERY chance I could get I called her too. My friend would also send me emails to encourage me to feel better about my grandfather. I ignored her emails because I wanted my ex back and I just wanted to please her.

In November my ex told me she wouldnít be communicating with me anymore. She said she had someone new and is taking him seriously. She started posting so many pics of them all over social media after this. He is a professional athlete and I felt like i didnít have a chance. I was so hurt because I thought we were working on things.

So I felt alone and started emailing my friend around Christmas. She was very friendly and was always so uplifting. We were having casual conversation in January and then I mentioned to her that the only reason I was so hurt by my ex was because she was emailing me in October. I told her how my ex would tell me she still loved and missed me. I was just trying to give her insight into how I felt.... That was a HUGE mistake!! She got very upset and said that she had emailed me a lot in October. She pointed out how I never responded to her and that she kept emailing me because she assumed I was depressed about my grandfather. She said she had sent me scriptures and prayers that HER grandfather gave to her before he passed away and that they came from her heart. She said she was hurt because it was now obvious to her the reason I wasnít responding which she stated was because I was communicating with my ex. She verbatim said ďso your ex stops writing you and now all of a sudden Iím such a good person?Ē

She also revealed that she spoke to my ex in September and they cleared the air. She said that my ex had told her that she no longer cared about me, had moved on and suggested that SHE (my friend) be there for me because I would need someone as I was VERY close to my grandfather. She said my ex revealed to her that over the months I had been sending her flowers trying to win her back. She said she didnít reveal all of this to me before because she felt bad and didnít want to hurt me. She said she just was hurt because my ex told her she wasnít interested and for her to be there and she was so persistent with sending me emails because she thought I had no one by my side. She kept saying she felt dumb and played. And the tone in her last email I really know she was hurt.

She said she feels like my friend by ďdefaultĒ and is tired of hearing about my ex. She even went as far as to say she wasnít my ďToyĒ anymore! I asked her if she could reach out to a few of my guy friends, so they know how to reach me while Iím away and she said she only knows one, will tell him but wonít go out of her way to know any of the other ones.... I know I may have screwed up or maybe said to much.... I just didnít feel it was THIS serious. I know she has a good heart. I really am lost. I donít know what to do next at all. With her, my ex or anything. I feel extremely stupid. Any insight is appreciated.
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Old 10th February 2018, 11:06 AM   #2
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You aren't stupid but you took your friend for granted. She's not stupid either & has finally wised up to the fact that you only want her when you can't have anybody else. She's had enough.

Send her a snail mail handwritten written apology but then leave her alone. She deserves to be treated so much better than you have ever treated her. She's not chopped liver or old faithful who is obligated to be there when you have no one else.
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Old 10th February 2018, 11:34 AM   #3
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Evidently, you bet on the wrong horse...
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Old 10th February 2018, 12:03 PM   #4
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What is this toxicity you mention? Some insight would allow for more helpful advice in how to proceed.
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Old 10th February 2018, 12:17 PM   #5
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What is this toxicity you mention? Some insight would allow for more helpful advice in how to proceed.
Basically like whenever we wouldnít get along I would tell ppl she was more in love with me than I was with her. And that she was obsessive almost. Ppl in our circle started to be distant from her. I shouldíve been a better man. I know. I feel horrible about it all
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Old 10th February 2018, 12:45 PM   #6
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Basically like whenever we wouldnít get along I would tell ppl she was more in love with me than I was with her. And that she was obsessive almost. Ppl in our circle started to be distant from her. I shouldíve been a better man. I know. I feel horrible about it all
It seems you may have been the cause of this toxicity as she had feelings for you that weren't being reciprocated. Obsessive behavior doesn't seem to be an issue either as she has clearly demonstrated an ability to walk away from you.

Is this someone you care enough about that you want to be in a relationship with her? If so it is salvageable with some work. On the other hand if you only want her as a friend then you must let her be as she clearly wants more.
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Old 10th February 2018, 2:14 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Jgilardi View Post
Iíve been good friends with this girl. We occasionally would hook up. I did develop feelings for her but I never took her seriously. I know she really cared for me. We would hook up on and on for a few years. The entire time, we remained friends.

Eventually I ended up getting a new girlfriend. I know she was deeply hurt because she always wondered why I didnít take HER seriously. It was always just too toxic between us. But I always found myself drawn to her. She is really beautiful, smart and funny. We do have a deep connection. I canít explain why I didnít take her seriously.

She was always respectful when i had a girlfriend. Like she didnít hook up with me at all. We were just friends. My girlfriend was always jealous of her. Maybe not jealous but she definitely didnít like our friendship. She would post mean things about her from time to time on social media and I would always have to convince my friend that the things she posted werenít about her.
My girlfriend and I broke up in May 2017. I was devastated and I would try and get her back. I would even talk to my friend about it and she would give me like positive thoughts.

In September my grandfather became very ill. I had to go overseas to stay with him his last days. I would email my ex all the time and EVERY chance I could get I called her too. My friend would also send me emails to encourage me to feel better about my grandfather. I ignored her emails because I wanted my ex back and I just wanted to please her.

In November my ex told me she wouldnít be communicating with me anymore. She said she had someone new and is taking him seriously. She started posting so many pics of them all over social media after this. He is a professional athlete and I felt like i didnít have a chance. I was so hurt because I thought we were working on things.

So I felt alone and started emailing my friend around Christmas. She was very friendly and was always so uplifting. We were having casual conversation in January and then I mentioned to her that the only reason I was so hurt by my ex was because she was emailing me in October. I told her how my ex would tell me she still loved and missed me. I was just trying to give her insight into how I felt.... That was a HUGE mistake!! She got very upset and said that she had emailed me a lot in October. She pointed out how I never responded to her and that she kept emailing me because she assumed I was depressed about my grandfather. She said she had sent me scriptures and prayers that HER grandfather gave to her before he passed away and that they came from her heart. She said she was hurt because it was now obvious to her the reason I wasnít responding which she stated was because I was communicating with my ex. She verbatim said ďso your ex stops writing you and now all of a sudden Iím such a good person?Ē

She also revealed that she spoke to my ex in September and they cleared the air. She said that my ex had told her that she no longer cared about me, had moved on and suggested that SHE (my friend) be there for me because I would need someone as I was VERY close to my grandfather. She said my ex revealed to her that over the months I had been sending her flowers trying to win her back. She said she didnít reveal all of this to me before because she felt bad and didnít want to hurt me. She said she just was hurt because my ex told her she wasnít interested and for her to be there and she was so persistent with sending me emails because she thought I had no one by my side. She kept saying she felt dumb and played. And the tone in her last email I really know she was hurt.

She said she feels like my friend by ďdefaultĒ and is tired of hearing about my ex. She even went as far as to say she wasnít my ďToyĒ anymore! I asked her if she could reach out to a few of my guy friends, so they know how to reach me while Iím away and she said she only knows one, will tell him but wonít go out of her way to know any of the other ones.... I know I may have screwed up or maybe said to much.... I just didnít feel it was THIS serious. I know she has a good heart. I really am lost. I donít know what to do next at all. With her, my ex or anything. I feel extremely stupid. Any insight is appreciated.
Your biggest problem is yourself. You are immature and selfish. You think everything revolves around you. I hope you are still in High School, because if you are an adult you are doing a pretty awful job right now of being one.

You still do. Even after the disastrous initial Post you wrote.

Problem with that is, the 2 women you've been toying with got sick of it and forgot to let you know.

Just cease any and all contact with either of them. Your milquetoast and wimpy behavior sunk any iota of respect left that either of these girls had for you.
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Old 10th February 2018, 5:15 PM   #8
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The problem is you have no idea what loyalty is...
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Old 10th February 2018, 6:42 PM   #9
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The problem is you have no idea what loyalty is...
How was I not loyal to her?
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Old 10th February 2018, 8:03 PM   #10
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Open mouth insert foot.

I think you just lost a truly beautiful woman, inside and out.

She waited all this time while you dated the girl that didnít give a piss about you. Then you dump on her. I thought we were getting back together ( insert crying).

You ex played you both. She told your friend back in September then you a few months later. She got even for your friendship.

You are blind.
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Old 10th February 2018, 9:08 PM   #11
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Open mouth insert foot.

I think you just lost a truly beautiful woman, inside and out.

She waited all this time while you dated the girl that didnít give a piss about you. Then you dump on her. I thought we were getting back together ( insert crying).

You ex played you both. She told your friend back in September then you a few months later. She got even for your friendship.

You are blind.
So youíre saying she did this on purpose ??
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Old 11th February 2018, 1:29 AM   #12
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So youíre saying she did this on purpose ??
I think your ex girlfriend played the both of you.

Lead you on by the nose thinking things were getting better while telling your female friend to be there for you. So while your friend was being ignored by you when she was there for you your ex dropped bread crumbs for you to hang on to.

In other words, she pulled the two of you apart and went on her marry way.
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Old 11th February 2018, 1:34 AM   #13
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I wish I had a friend like the one you had.

What a minute, I did. I married her almost 30 years ago. Just got finished snuggling on the couch watching a movie with her. Time for sleep now, sheís waiting for me.

Best of luck fixing things with your friend.
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