LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating > Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

Is messaging an ex the same as cheating?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

Like Tree35Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 29th January 2018, 9:57 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 5
Unhappy Is messaging an ex the same as cheating?

I need to know what others think...is this okay and am I just too old fashioned?

My SO and I have been together for 6 years. Before we met, he divorced his wife and met a woman who was married. They were friends, and they fooled around behind her husband's back. She lives in another state. She is still married. When my SO and I started dating seriously, he went to see her. I thought it was a goodbye of sorts and I was okay with that (we had just begun to date exclusively).

Two years ago, I discovered that they have been messaging each other. I honestly didn't try and snoop - we work together, live together, have combined our families, etc. It made me very upset, as I thought things were done between them. He claimed that they are just friends and treated me like I was crazy jealous and totally in the wrong. He said that he should be able to have friends and that is all that they are. We made up and things were better after a while and he said he wasn't talking to her anymore.

Well, so here I am again and they are still messaging each other. Now, he has said things like he wants to see her, wants to talk to her, wishes he had his pilot license still so he could fly down, see her and be back by dinner. She doesn't seem to reciprocate his forward messages...tells him to go and get me if he wants a massage...etc...

Anyway, they text several times a week, usually between 10 and midnight.

Here I am...divorcee, raising a daughter who has already been through a broken home, living with a man who obviously isn't over the woman he could never have...but, we own a company together, we live together, my daughter is attached to him, his son is attached to me.

I know that there is no way that he will ever be able to act on these feelings for her since she is so far away. But it still feels like cheating. Am I right, or old fashioned?

I don't think there is anything I can do about it this time. I should never have seen the messages to begin with. So, how do I swallow that lump of betrayal and still lie down with this man who is thinking of another while he is with me?
Slevin2020 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2018, 10:00 PM   #2
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 27,662
It's a little much for my tastes but if the messages aren't sexual I'd be hard pressed to call it cheating.

I believe that people can have opposite sex friends but not when that friend is a former lover.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2018, 10:05 PM   #3
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 4,685
I would be pissed.

In my relationship, former lovers are a no go, and that goes both ways.
__________________
Sorry for all of the typos! On a cell phone that thinks it is smarter than me
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2018, 10:11 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,633
how would he feel if you were in touch with your ex all the time?

he would not like it.
harrybrown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2018, 10:13 PM   #5
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 4,685
And it's an inappropriate relationship.

It would be one thing if you and him were friends with her and her husband.

Instead she is corresponding with her old affair partner behind her husband's back.

Not cool.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2018, 10:13 PM   #6
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 6,364
He has never stopped cheating with her.
road is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2018, 10:30 PM   #7
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 5
Yah, I thought of how he would feel with me texting an ex too! But, I don't talk to exes, even if it ended on friendly terms. So, I can't really create an example to show him it's not cool.
Slevin2020 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2018, 10:38 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Fair's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 666
omg of course it's cheating. He wants to be with her. It's an emotional affair... my god! I can't believe what people will put up with.
Fair is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2018, 10:47 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 8,711
He's telling her he wants massages? Totally inappropriate.

If they had a history of platonic friendship only, then perhaps it would be different. But you know the two of them have a history of getting up to no good.
basil67 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2018, 10:54 PM   #10
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fair View Post
omg of course it's cheating. He wants to be with her. It's an emotional affair... my god! I can't believe what people will put up with.
Yah, I get you. If I were younger and not responsible for my daughter, I'd be gone 2 years ago - never looking back. But, I'm not even supposed to have seen these messages, so how do I deal with that? Confront him anyway and then we go down the violation of privacy bs road again? Feel like I can't address it at all. As I mentioned, we own a business together. It's not just my relationship, it's tied to my livelihood.

Last edited by Slevin2020; 29th January 2018 at 11:14 PM..
Slevin2020 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 6:52 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: SE Australia
Posts: 420
In my opinion... it's perfectly fine for a guy to have friends. It's perfectly fine for a guy to have female friends. It's fine for a guy to be friends with an ex if there is absolutely no feelings left on either side (yes it does happen).

But this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Slevin2020 View Post
Well, so here I am again and they are still messaging each other. Now, he has said things like he wants to see her, wants to talk to her, wishes he had his pilot license still so he could fly down, see her and be back by dinner. She doesn't seem to reciprocate his forward messages...tells him to go and get me if he wants a massage...etc...
...is crossing a line for sure. He wants to fly down and back in a day while you're presumably at work, or at the very least not there with him. On one hand, he sounds like he's being honest to you about her existence which is redeeming in a way. On the other hand, he doesn't seem to get the hint that this woman doesn't want to continue the friendship.
snowboy91 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 6:59 AM   #12
Established Member
 
PegNosePete's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 9,229
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slevin2020 View Post
so how do I deal with that? Confront him anyway and then we go down the violation of privacy bs road again?
No, you do not go down that road at all.

Well, not until you have dealt with the matter at hand first. His inappropriate behaviour. This should be item 1 on the agenda.

Once you have dealt with that, then you can discuss your lack of trust. Of course, you don't trust him because he is untrustworthy and you have evidence of that. Once he becomes trustworthy, you can start to trust him. But he can't expect you to trust him when he is showing complete lack of respect and total untrustworthiness.

THAT is the road you go down.
__________________
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-- Douglas Adams
PegNosePete is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 9:47 AM   #13
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,318
I think you have every right to feel the way you're feeling. He's already demonstrated he's willing to have a relationship with a woman who is cheating, so it's not a stretch to assume he'd also BE a cheater. He needs to cease all contact with this woman. There is no other solution.
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 11:51 AM   #14
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,887
Way out of line in every way...

Way out of line in every way...

Listen, I have a lot of ex's that still hang around.

My new GF, and I agree with her, said no go on that, end of story.

So I do not talk with them for any reason, because she is more important than any of them.

She is a little leery of my past, and I get that, so I do everything in my power to make her feel safe, and let her know that she is the one and only.

Your guy is not doing that, and he is cheating emotionally at the very least.

You are going to have to be strong and lay down the law. Now, don't go crazy on him, and don't be a B****, just have an adult conversation.

At some point in the conversation you have to say, "Bottom line, you being in contact with her make me uncomfortable. So you need to decide between me or her, that is your only option. I either matter more to you than any other woman, or I don't. If I don't then hit the road."

With some people you have to be exactly that blunt...
BluesPower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 12:19 PM   #15
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 27,662
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slevin2020 View Post
Yah, I get you. If I were younger and not responsible for my daughter, I'd be gone 2 years ago - never looking back. But, I'm not even supposed to have seen these messages, so how do I deal with that? Confront him anyway and then we go down the violation of privacy bs road again? Feel like I can't address it at all. As I mentioned, we own a business together. It's not just my relationship, it's tied to my livelihood.

In a good relationship there are no behind the back conversations with EXs. When dealing with former lovers, transparency is important. I actually did a business deal with my grad school EX. Before doing it I talked to my husband about it. He had questions & concerns. He wanted certain boundaries which I honored. I was dismayed to learn that my EX did not bother tell his wife that we were working together but then again, that is part of why he's an EX.


Talk to a lawyer & a business valuation expert about having him buy you out of the business. You can't stay in business with somebody you don't trust. If he's hiding this from you, what else is he hiding?
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Do I keep messaging her? SoulSick Dating 2 24th August 2015 5:17 PM
The ol OLD messaging KFuPanda Dating 0 8th December 2014 6:25 PM
Its over and he keeps on messaging me Inviv_girl Breaks and Breaking Up 1 15th January 2014 7:10 AM
Too much messaging Sue1959 Friendship 2 17th May 2013 2:47 AM
Why does my cheating ex keep messaging me? lukas Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 4 16th January 2013 8:31 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:40 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.