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Uncomfortable situation between two friends


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 17th January 2018, 1:23 AM   #1
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Uncomfortable situation between two friends

Hey everyone, so Iím sorta in an uncomfortable situation with a friend and his friend. I have a feeling one of my guy friends, letís call him Justin, might have feelings for me. Heís never said anything to me or to anyone else about it, but heís gotten oddly jealous/possessive in the past. For example, he once got mad at me for leaving him and all of our friends at a concert for a few minutes to catch up with another male friend I hardly get to see. We actually stopped talking for a good year because of his behavior, but have since reconciled. Although weíve never had a conversation about his behavior. I recently hung out with him and one of his good friends, letís call him Alex. It seemed to me that Alex was flirting a little. I had always thought Alex was attractive, but we never really talked outside of hanging with Justin. This changed recently. We began talking via social media and realized we actually really hit it off.

We arranged to meet up one night, just at a local sports bar for a couple drinks. We wanted to invite Justin but we both werenít sure how to bring it up because we knew heíd get mad (he has a habit of getting angry at seemingly small things but will not discuss his feelings, just shuts down. Itís quite annoying). Of course Justin texted Alex while we were out and Alex decided to try and invite him, telling him he was with me. Of course Justin got angry like we thought he would.

The problem is that Alex and I are actually pretty into each other. We had a really great time just talking and enjoying each otherís company, and would like to do it again. But is this breaking ďbro codeĒ? Am I breaking friend code? I really want to have an honest and frank discussion with Justin, because he is my friend, but whenever I do anything that involves another guy he gets jealous and possessive and it really bothers me. Iím also worried this is going to affect my relationship with Alex. Alex is fully aware that this is just how Justin is, but it seems like it could become problematic/messy.
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Old 17th January 2018, 1:57 AM   #2
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It appears you are into Alex and Alex is into you. If Justin can't accept that, then he is not a true "Friend".

I don't believe in any "Bro Code". I'm happy if my buddy finds a girl, it doesn't matter if I'm into her or not. I'm mature enough to be happy for him.

As an example...

A couple of years ago, I was at a party and met this woman. My best "guy" friend had been chasing her for months asking her out, doing the "coffee date" thing, etc. and nothing was working. I spoke a few minutes with this woman and I continued to mingle, etc.

The next day she texted me (I don't know how she got my number, maybe from another unrelated individual). Anyway after a few flirty texts back and forth, she invited me to her place for a lunch time rendezvous. I excused myself from work and went to her place. In the long run, we didn't work out, but it was a fun (fairly quick) relationship.

A couple months later I was talking to my original "guy" friend and this woman's name came up. He was chasing after her again, with no success. I told him the whole story and he was happy for me. It didn't hurt our friendship because we were both mature enough to deal with the situation.

If Justin isn't mature enough to deal with you and Alex dating, that is his downfall and he is NOT a true friend to either of you.

Just my two cents...
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Old 17th January 2018, 11:13 AM   #3
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Thanks for your input. Thatís sort of how myself and Alex both feel, that heís being immature by getting so upset and that this is just how we is. Honestly we laughed about it when we got together and found out he was angry, because knowing him, we knew it was coming.

My question is, should I have a conversation about this with Justin? I feel as though I should be honest about my feelings for Alex be my feelings for him, and state that I wish he would just be my friend without any ulterior motives. Iím just unsure if this is an appropriate thing to do and I donít want to escalate the situation. I also donít want him to end up guilting Alex into potentially not pursuing me.
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Old 17th January 2018, 11:49 AM   #4
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Justin is NOT your friend. He is an orbiter. And the only reason he is around is that he wants you and there is not other reason. Girl that is the ONLY reason why guys are "your friend"...they want to get with you. They don't give a rat's butt about "friendship".

You want to get with Alex, then fine. You tell Justin you have made a decision to date Alex. Justin will soon disappear from your radar. That's just the way things are.
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Old 17th January 2018, 2:12 PM   #5
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Yeah, thatís kind of how it feels. We always hang out and have a good time when we do, but itís alwys felt like thereís been an ulterior motive with him. Itís never felt like Justin has accepted me as JUST his friend and nothing more. It sucks because I donít want to lose his friendship over something so stupid, especially because Alex and I literally only hung out once, but itís unfair of him to literally throw a fit just because I did something he disapproves of. Iím not his possession yet he acts like I am.
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Old 17th January 2018, 4:28 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Obliviate View Post
Yeah, that’s kind of how it feels. We always hang out and have a good time when we do, but it’s alwys felt like there’s been an ulterior motive with him. It’s never felt like Justin has accepted me as JUST his friend and nothing more. It sucks because I don’t want to lose his friendship over something so stupid, especially because Alex and I literally only hung out once, but it’s unfair of him to literally throw a fit just because I did something he disapproves of. I’m not his possession yet he acts like I am.
It doesn't matter how you see it. He had eyes for you (in love), he invested his time in you, and then you choose someone else. You would have a fit too if you were in his shoes. He lost what he wanted. He's understandably upset.

You will learn that the guys that come into your life, especially if you are attractive, they all have an ulterior motive to get into your pants. That's what guys are all about.
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Old 17th January 2018, 4:47 PM   #7
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Justin is NOT your friend. He is an orbiter. And the only reason he is around is that he wants you and there is not other reason. Girl that is the ONLY reason why guys are "your friend"...they want to get with you. They don't give a rat's butt about "friendship".

You want to get with Alex, then fine. You tell Justin you have made a decision to date Alex. Justin will soon disappear from your radar. That's just the way things are.
I was going to say this also. He is being an orbiter. Using the I am
a boy friend to eventually become your boyfriend.

Another example of that we do need opposite sex friends.

Women men do not want a girl friend they want a girlfriend.
If you have no intention of making a man your boyfriend then
do not make him or allow him to be an orbiter.
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Old 17th January 2018, 5:24 PM   #8
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I do understand why heís upset. But not once has he ever expressed his feelings to myself nor to Alex. He just expected us to know I guess. And I sort of had a feeling he had feelings for me, but the way he handles these types of things is just immature. He still wonít have that conversation with me so the immaturity of it is what gets to me the most I think. But you guys are definitely right. Thanks for all of your input.
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Old 17th January 2018, 8:34 PM   #9
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Justin is in love with you but is scared to act on it.
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Old 17th January 2018, 8:52 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Obliviate View Post
My question is, should I have a conversation about this with Justin? I feel as though I should be honest about my feelings for Alex be my feelings for him, and state that I wish he would just be my friend without any ulterior motives. Iím just unsure if this is an appropriate thing to do and I donít want to escalate the situation. I also donít want him to end up guilting Alex into potentially not pursuing me.
In my opinion, I wouldn't have a conversation with Justin, I would send a quick text. Something to the effect of "I'm going to pursue a potential relationship with Alex, I hope you can be happy for me."

You can't control what Justin says to Alex, so let Alex be a man and tell Justin to get out of his way and let him pursue you.

Control the controllables.... If you can't control it, don't try to and don't worry and fret about it.
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:37 PM   #11
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Yes, you are right. I guess Alex had a talk with Justin and told him we were just hanging out and that he wasnít trying to be sneaky or anything. He also took all the ďblameĒ so that Justin wouldnít be angry with me. Justin is still upset but heís calming down. But Alex had his arm around me and was flirting most of the night and we have plans to get together again, so I am assuming it will develop into more, so you are right in that I should probably be frank with Justin yet keep it short and simple. Thank you!
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Old 17th January 2018, 11:56 PM   #12
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Yes, you are right. I guess Alex had a talk with Justin and told him we were just hanging out and that he wasn’t trying to be sneaky or anything. He also took all the “blame” so that Justin wouldn’t be angry with me. Justin is still upset but he’s calming down. But Alex had his arm around me and was flirting most of the night and we have plans to get together again, so I am assuming it will develop into more, so you are right in that I should probably be frank with Justin yet keep it short and simple. Thank you!
You are in a no win situation so bite the bullet, have a discussion with Justin in a public area and just tell him what is happening.

Frankly it is not an issue of whether he is a true "Friend" of not. He is just a guy that you have become friends with that wanted more than you did.

Ah we guys have such fragile egos that depending on how young you all are, Justin may take it well, or he my not.

But that is the price of life sometimes. It has happened to most of us at some time in our lives. Happened to me certainly in my youth. After the initial embarrassment, I got over it in fairly short order and went about my skirthchasing ways

The only thing I would not expect out of this, if I were you, is for Justin to remain friends with you or Alex in any event.

Again, the price of life sometimes.

Decisions we make have adverse effects on others. Just leave it in his court as to whether he can accept this and remain friends or not. Bad news, however bad, is always best reported in person. So no text. That would add insult to injury.

Good Luck.
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Old 18th January 2018, 12:40 AM   #13
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Thank you for your input. I think Alex and Justin are going to be okay, Justin is still upset with me though. As unfortunate as it is, I wouldnít be surprised if I did lose him as a friend. It is what it is, though. Canít control that so I am just going to leave the ball in his court. HOPEFULLY heíll get over this and we can all remain cool, but Iím also aware that that could very well not be the case.


Thanks again everyone for your insight. Itís been helpful.
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Old 18th January 2018, 9:55 AM   #14
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I do understand why heís upset. But not once has he ever expressed his feelings to myself nor to Alex. He just expected us to know I guess. And I sort of had a feeling he had feelings for me, but the way he handles these types of things is just immature. He still wonít have that conversation with me so the immaturity of it is what gets to me the most I think. But you guys are definitely right. Thanks for all of your input.
That is his own fault. Is he bashful or shy?

Or he was just obsessed with you without love which can be dangerous for you.

Do not try and straighten things out. If he wants to talk let him ask you to do so.

Or if the two of you are with a group of friends just sit aside from everybody and see if he comes over to talk. If he is unwilling to do so at least you gave him the chance.
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Old 18th January 2018, 10:03 AM   #15
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Yes, you are right. I guess Alex had a talk with Justin and told him we were just hanging out and that he wasnít trying to be sneaky or anything. He also took all the ďblameĒ so that Justin wouldnít be angry with me. Justin is still upset but heís calming down. But Alex had his arm around me and was flirting most of the night and we have plans to get together again, so I am assuming it will develop into more, so you are right in that I should probably be frank with Justin yet keep it short and simple. Thank you!
You owe Justin no explanation, he actually owes you one.

Your first words to him should be what gives you the right to get pissed at me for going out with Alex?

But you should not be the one to start the conversation. It is on Justin to do so. Give him a chance if you want but donít go out of your way to do so.

Even if things were reversed, if you never let a guy know that you liked him. Would you have the right to get mad if he started seeing someone else?
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