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Not sure how to feel or about this situation


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:23 AM   #1
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Not sure how to feel or about this situation

Several months ago, I started a new job and my current GF and I moved to a different city. I became friends with a female co-worker, who we'll call Alice (37), and another guy at the office who we'll call Bob (28).

Alice, my girlfriend and I became pretty close friends, and we started regularly double-dating with Alice's husband, who we'll call Craig. This continues for quite some time, until one day, Alice calls me and says that she's had a fight with Craig, and wants to talk to me, just by myself. She asks me to come down to a restaurant/cafe close to her house, and I go.

Now as I'm not married, I didn't want to say much at all. I just said that sometimes it's nobody's fault, the pressures of life get to us all, and perhaps he wasn't mad at her but at the stress in his life situation (he's a trauma surgeon at a hospital). I explained that I'm friends with both of them, so I didn't want to take sides. That seemed to help, and a week later, she gave me a coffee mug to say thank you.

Over the next several weeks, Alice would call me to want to "talk about things" from time to time. And we'd talk and she'd give me a small gift like cologne, a scarf, chocolates, or t-shirt within a few days.

Eventually, Alice, Craig, my girlfriend and myself started double dating again, but not for long. Eventually Alice wanted to meet up on a different day (we always would meet up on a Saturday night; suddenly Alice wanted to meet on Thursday), and she started inviting Bob, saying that she felt awkward not having a date.

Also, we (Alice, Craig, me and my GF) had been planning a vacation to a resort over the winter holiday. Suddenly plans fall through and it turns out that Alice had invited Bob on a different vacation altogether (not sure if Bob accepted in the end). I've noticed that both Alice and Bob have become more distant to us in recent times.

I'm torn between saying something and not saying anything. On the one hand, Craig is a good friend of mine at least based on the time we spent together and it feels like I'd be being dishonest if I don't say something. On the other hand, there is clearly some friction in Alice/Craig's relationship. Should I step in and try to intervene, or just let it go?

I do have to admit that I might be over-reacting. Both my GF and I feel snubbed about the apparent un-invite for vacation, and the recent freezing in the friendship. Also, if I'm completely honest, I have at times felt attracted to Alice. I want to make sure I'm acting neutrally here, and not just because I feel bad about not being able to go on a trip.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:53 AM   #2
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I'm torn between saying something and not saying anything. On the one hand, Craig is a good friend of mine at least based on the time we spent together and it feels like I'd be being dishonest if I don't say something. On the other hand, there is clearly some friction in Alice/Craig's relationship. Should I step in and try to intervene, or just let it go?
Let it go. You can't fix it; it's presumptive to think so.

But what I wonder is, are you talking about intervening because because YOU feel left out, or are you concerned about their relationship? Sounds like to me that Alice and Bob are heading toward an affair (if it's not already happening).

If any intervening were to be appropriate, it would be talking to Alice (since she has opened that channel) and letting her know that you are concerned about where all of this may be heading.

Bottom line, it's not about you.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 10:10 AM   #3
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Let it go. You can't fix it; it's presumptive to think so.

But what I wonder is, are you talking about intervening because because YOU feel left out, or are you concerned about their relationship? Sounds like to me that Alice and Bob are heading toward an affair (if it's not already happening).

If any intervening were to be appropriate, it would be talking to Alice (since she has opened that channel) and letting her know that you are concerned about where all of this may be heading.

Bottom line, it's not about you.
You're in the right to suspect me, and to be perfectly honest, it's a bit of both, hence why I post this in the cheating/jealousy section - because emotionally I find it kind of complicated. I would say that I'm good friends with both Alice and Craig. On the one hand I am genuinely concerned about the relationship and even feel a bit bad for Craig at this point.

On the other hand, I must say that there is some emotional baggage here on my part, but I don't want that to influence my decision. I must say I was initially attracted to Alice before I knew she was married; and even felt a bit attracted to her in some instances when we were alone. At the same time, I was already in a relationship, as was she, so I just let it be. I suppose my GF and I are sort of upset over the loss of friends we considered pretty close as well. We don't have a large social circle here, as we recently moved to a small town, and they were one of the people we had regular contact with outside of work.

Although, at the end of the day I honestly do want the best outcome for Alice and Craig.

I will say though, since getting together with Bob, Alice has sort of been cold towards both me and my GF.

Perhaps it's best for us to just move on. I don't know.

Last edited by h57zf; 3rd January 2018 at 10:16 AM..
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Old 3rd January 2018, 11:40 AM   #4
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Should I step in and try to intervene, or just let it go?
Get yourself some new friends. Sounds like Alice has more problems than a Math Book. She has shown you who she is, so the question is, do you believe her?
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:39 PM   #5
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Yeah I'm not buying the spiel.

Being blunt you're moving like a snake in tall grass. You're saying you have attraction to the girl then in the next breath talk about having genuine concern for her and her husband and this other bloke.

If they are being sneaky and shady, changing plans and being distant, why on earth would you care that much? Don't you have other friends? A life with you and your GF? You make it sound like your world revolves around these people?

Being honest you don't know what's going on, to be going to the husband and telling, because by the same token being the honest bloke you are, you would tell him you're also attracted to his wife...but you won't do that.

You guys are not 9. If they don't want to play with you then leave them alone.
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Old 5th January 2018, 12:52 PM   #6
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OP, could we please be real...

OP, could we please be real...

Alice wants to screw around on Craig. I mean you get that right?

Since you did not bang her, even though you want to, she has moved on to Bob.

Bob and Alice are having an affair, which I think you realize.

Now Kudos to you for not banging Alice, and I assume it was and should be because you have a girl friend, which was the right thing to do.

So, you need to let this alone, unless you are going to have an affair with Alice, but is sounds like "Maybe" you are too smart to do that.

I think your question should be, "Should I tell Craig that Alice is banging Bob?" That kind of gets to the crux if the issue.

Don't you think?
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Old 5th January 2018, 1:53 PM   #7
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OP, could we please be real...

Alice wants to screw around on Craig. I mean you get that right?

Since you did not bang her, even though you want to, she has moved on to Bob.

Bob and Alice are having an affair, which I think you realize.

Now Kudos to you for not banging Alice, and I assume it was and should be because you have a girl friend, which was the right thing to do.

So, you need to let this alone, unless you are going to have an affair with Alice, but is sounds like "Maybe" you are too smart to do that.

I think your question should be, "Should I tell Craig that Alice is banging Bob?" That kind of gets to the crux if the issue.

Don't you think?
Look at our post counts BP...I've been here 9 years and have only 2 less posts than you do after being here for 2 lol. You've been busy!
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Old 5th January 2018, 2:49 PM   #8
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It is a hobby...

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Look at our post counts BP...I've been here 9 years and have only 2 less posts than you do after being here for 2 lol. You've been busy!
It is a hobby...

And some of these poor people a just so clueless. If I had know half of what I know now at 25 I would have taken over the world...
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Old 6th January 2018, 4:24 AM   #9
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I think your question should be, "Should I tell Craig that Alice is banging Bob?" That kind of gets to the crux if the issue.

Don't you think?
Yeah at this point, I'm that's where I'm at. I realized I'm in a good place with my GF, and that I didn't want to hurt her. And I didn't want to stab a friend in the back either.

I mean if he asks, I will tell the truth. As far as I'm concerned I'd still consider Craig a friend. The other two though, I'm going to have to lessen the amount of time I spend with.
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Old 13th January 2018, 5:21 PM   #10
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If you want to do something, talk to Alice. Tell her the situation between her and Bob is becoming obvious, and you are not comfortable about it. Then proceed to say the friendship is over as you will not be apart of this with the knowledge you have about the suspect affair. She can deny it all she wants, just tell her no, the friendship is over.

IMO it seems to me she wants you to reveal what's going on as she is too much of a coward to do it herself.....because why would she be so blatant about it in front of you?
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Last edited by smackie9; 13th January 2018 at 5:23 PM..
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