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Mr.Opposite.


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 19th December 2017, 6:29 PM   #1
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Mr.Opposite.

I'm not really sure where to begin but I need to express my thoughts and feelings. This is not a post to troll or instigate so please bare with me.

It's taken me a lot to come to the conclusion that I am not capable of monogamy. I've checked with therapists, I don't have any commitment or abandonment issues and I am not a sociopath or anything weird like that.

When I read some of the questions on this forum I really do not understand, this is what I seek in this post. Please enlighten me.

1) Why are people so possessive? If you truly love someone wouldn't you want them to be happy, no matter with who? The minute someone seems to be all over me I get a bit grossed out by their lack of self-absorption, yeah I am weird.

2) What is it that actually bothers you when you find out someone has cheated on you? I tend to be reserved and doubt everything, so for me my trust is never compromised because it never fully exhisted...you see my paradigm? Pretty much my trust is in things not people (don't touch my guitars without asking!). I've been cheated on before, it has never bothered me because;

Two, I am very kinky, the thought of sharing a body with someone else is kind of a turn on, so where I'd get hurt is more so in the lack of communication (or potential transmission of an std), because if someone said to me " hey I want to have fun with this person" I'd be like "cool, be safe and let me know how it goes, maybe I can meet up with you later!"!....I have met women who or are open like this and so I have not given up hope, I just feel like I am constantly surrounded with traditional monogamists, it's really hard to get out there and meet people like me without being labelled as selfish or coldhearted or slutty, I don't know where to go! I am getting better at communicating my needs and boundaries early on.

Anyways, my current partner is nothing like me and she's as conventional as it gets. She is a hopeless romantic, and I don't believe in letting love rule your life ever - it's just not going to work long-term. I am so bored. She hasn't really changed and that's a problem for me, I'm always changing, growing, learning, I can't be with someone so stagnant if that makes sense.

I've cheated on every single partner I've ever been with and I don't want to do this to her. I've tried having this conversation with her but she gets sad and leaves the room, I'm getting impatient, she really doesn't understand me and neither does 99% of the world.

I need help formulating my thoughts on how I need to continue to expand and meet new people, but in her eyes it continues to be revolved around "how much you don't love me" when it's simply not the case, the reality is I love everyone the same and she doesn't understand my superficial nature.

Please be nice. I understand this is a relationship forum, but just because I am not a relationship type person doesn't mean I deserve to be bashed for being an ultra-progressive freak.
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Old 19th December 2017, 7:37 PM   #2
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Grow a set and leave her.

Then, going forward don't commit to anyone, just go have sex with lots of different people and enjoy life on your terms.

There are plenty of dating sites for people who want nothing other than to hookup and then move on.

Just be sure to make your intentions clear.
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Old 19th December 2017, 7:52 PM   #3
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I am not going to bash you - I quite open minded when it comes to alternative relationships, be it poly, open marriages and things inbetween. The thing is, you have to be VERY up front about this, and even more importantly, find someone seeking the same type of relationship.

This right here is going to be a MAJOR issue for most people:

Quote:
Originally Posted by cabbageman View Post
but in her eyes it continues to be revolved around "how much you don't love me" when it's simply not the case, the reality is I love everyone the same and she doesn't understand my superficial nature..
Most people in relationships want to be SPECIAL to their partner. They want to be loved in a way that is not shared with anyone else.

If you love everyone the same... your partner will never feel special, loved, and importantly secure. If you love everyone all the same, and you want to have sex with other people.... where does she fit into that? It sounds like she could be dropped at any moment, which is probably the case.

For most people - loving someone who "loves everyone the same" puts them in an extremely vulnerable situation.

Me? I can see sex just being sex. And I can avoid jealously if I have SECURITY.

I can wrap my head around my partner experiencing physical pleasure with another - but what I don't want to share is my partners LOVE.

To me, love is WAY more special, hard to find, and something to cherish over sex. Sex can be cheap. Sex can be shallow. Sex can be just about a physical experience.

But LOVE? Oh thats a whole different thing to me. I would turn into a green eyed monster over love. I don't share mine with others, and I don't want my partner to seek that emotional connection outside of our relationship.

In short..... you need to figure out the type of relationship you want and be honest about it. Having a woman invest in you, love you, while "you love everyone the same" is extremely unfair.
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Old 19th December 2017, 7:58 PM   #4
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Crap.... I just saw your other post.

You have a CHILD with this 14 year older woman? Oh yikes, cart WAAAAAAY before the horse.

Quote:
Someone might say I don't love her, I would say it's more likely that I can't love anybody more then myself or can't put another first, it's always been like this and I don't plan on changing.
Its really a shame you brought a child into the world - this is not how a dad should speak. That kid, and the woman who you choose to impregnate should be special to you, more special than yourself.

I never had kids - because I wanted freedom, because I want to be able to put myself first. Thinking of yourself first shouldn't be an option any more.

I feel very sorry for your child.

I see no winning here. My guess is you will continue to be selfish and leave a wake of broken hearts in your path, the most painful and long lasting being the broken heart of your child.

Last edited by RecentChange; 19th December 2017 at 8:00 PM..
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Old 19th December 2017, 8:29 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cabbageman View Post
1) Why are people so possessive? If you truly love someone wouldn't you want them to be happy, no matter with who?
You're not the first person to have this misunderstanding that monogamy is somehow the same thing as possession. A person in a monogamous relationship is not saying "I own you, so you mustn't see other people". They're saying "We agreed to be exclusive to one another from the outset, and I expect you to have enough integrity to stick to that".

Let's reverse your question. If you truly love someone, and they will be unhappy if you cheat, then shouldn't you avoid cheating?

Quote:
2) What is it that actually bothers you when you find out someone has cheated on you? I tend to be reserved and doubt everything, so for me my trust is never compromised because it never fully exhisted...you see my paradigm?
Look at the word you used. Cheated. You didn't say "when you find out someone slept with someone else", which implies at least the possibility of being honest. Cheating means dishonesty, and broken trust, by definition. Are you generally not bothered when people are dishonest? If the answer is no, then are you so far removed from understanding other people that you can't see why for most people the answer is yes?
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Old 26th December 2017, 5:27 PM   #6
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Thanks for the great replies everyone.

I feel this resonates with me a lot.

I don't have particular feelings like that for anyone other then myself. I feel like when someone says they love me, I want to see it, intangible expressions of emotion mean nothing. I don't care about hugs or kisses or holding hands or going places together, and sex is just sex. I don't understand why people go head over heels for love, I don't understand, I just see it as completely ridiculous and irrational. Perhaps there is a part of me that has blocked off this level of intimacy, I see it in other couples sometime, but no matter the therapy or self-analysis it just doesn't seem to be something I am interested in. And because of this detachment, cheating is not cheating as long as I am not robbing myself, it is freedom at the others expense, you see? When you don't care you don't care. And I have always found all my needs fulfilled by the universe alone.

It's all about action to me, I know there are some books on love language so maybe I need to read into that. Part of my also just doesn't believe in love, I think it's a hoax and people lack self-esteem. My gf says she loves me but all I ask is that she clean up after herself daily, she never does, I live with a slob and I get really upset time to time because I would rather live alone and never have to clean up after her again. Isn't that rational? I am tired of her crying over how I don't love her when really it's all about her not cleaning up after her **** and lack of ambition. Why would I love someone who is not successful?

My problem in summary is I continue to believe that love is an action, not a feeling, so everytime things are good I love, and when things aren't my way I withdraw. She called me a fairweather lover the other day, I am starting to think she is right, and love or not, I care about her enough to do something about it.

What are your thoughts on this? Sorry to sound like a dumb teenager, it's just what happens when you live under a shell for too long.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
I am not going to bash you - I quite open minded when it comes to alternative relationships, be it poly, open marriages and things inbetween. The thing is, you have to be VERY up front about this, and even more importantly, find someone seeking the same type of relationship.

This right here is going to be a MAJOR issue for most people:


Most people in relationships want to be SPECIAL to their partner. They want to be loved in a way that is not shared with anyone else.

If you love everyone the same... your partner will never feel special, loved, and importantly secure. If you love everyone all the same, and you want to have sex with other people.... where does she fit into that? It sounds like she could be dropped at any moment, which is probably the case.

For most people - loving someone who "loves everyone the same" puts them in an extremely vulnerable situation.

Me? I can see sex just being sex. And I can avoid jealously if I have SECURITY.

I can wrap my head around my partner experiencing physical pleasure with another - but what I don't want to share is my partners LOVE.

To me, love is WAY more special, hard to find, and something to cherish over sex. Sex can be cheap. Sex can be shallow. Sex can be just about a physical experience.

But LOVE? Oh thats a whole different thing to me. I would turn into a green eyed monster over love. I don't share mine with others, and I don't want my partner to seek that emotional connection outside of our relationship.

In short..... you need to figure out the type of relationship you want and be honest about it. Having a woman invest in you, love you, while "you love everyone the same" is extremely unfair.
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Old 26th December 2017, 5:58 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cabbageman View Post
It's taken me a lot to come to the conclusion that I am not capable of monogamy.
I am a 100% heterosexual person. I cannot, for the life of me, understand how anyone can be sexually attracted to another person of the same gender. But I DO understand that only because I don't feel something doesn't make it invalid.

So, while I don't understand homosexuality on an emotional level, I do understand, validate, and recognize homosexuality intellectually.

Would I like it if a homosexual man pursues another man? Absolutely I'm fine with it. What I wouldn't be fine with is if a bisexual man PRETENDS to be heterosexual and starts a relationship with me, having full knowledge that I am looking for a heterosexual man ONLY and in the process he hurts me after I get attached to him. He should be honest about who he is from the start, so that I have the option to decide whether or not to be involved with him in the first place.

So now, about you:
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with you being polyamorous. There are many people like you, in fact. I am strictly monogamous, and just like my view to homosexuality, even though I don't emotionally understand the need to have multiple partners, I do understand that many people feel that way and that it's perfectly fine for someone to be like you.

Now, what is NOT right is when you mislead someone to be involved with you when you know that other person is clearly monogamous.

The reason is: if you know the other person is going to get hurt, do NOT involve them. Find someone who is looking for something similar to what you want.

Go to any dating website and do a search on women who want open relationships or polyamorous relationships. There are many women like that. So, why don't you have relationships that are built on mutually shared values and ideas about love and sex, instead of getting monogamous women involved when you know fully well they will be hurt in the process.

You do not need to understand why some of us are monogamous. You only need to accept that that's what we prefer.

You may not understand the need for "trust", but many do--but you are capable of respecting someone else's view of "trust" without violating it.

You can continue to be YOU--there is no need to change yourself. Just be honest in presenting your identity and values when you see a woman so that she has a FAIR chance to find someone else.
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Old 27th December 2017, 2:25 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cabbageman View Post
I'm not really sure where to begin but I need to express my thoughts and feelings. This is not a post to troll or instigate so please bare with me.

It's taken me a lot to come to the conclusion that I am not capable of monogamy. I've checked with therapists, I don't have any commitment or abandonment issues and I am not a sociopath or anything weird like that.

When I read some of the questions on this forum I really do not understand, this is what I seek in this post. Please enlighten me.

1) Why are people so possessive? If you truly love someone wouldn't you want them to be happy, no matter with who? The minute someone seems to be all over me I get a bit grossed out by their lack of self-absorption, yeah I am weird.

2) What is it that actually bothers you when you find out someone has cheated on you? I tend to be reserved and doubt everything, so for me my trust is never compromised because it never fully exhisted...you see my paradigm? Pretty much my trust is in things not people (don't touch my guitars without asking!). I've been cheated on before, it has never bothered me because;

Two, I am very kinky, the thought of sharing a body with someone else is kind of a turn on, so where I'd get hurt is more so in the lack of communication (or potential transmission of an std), because if someone said to me " hey I want to have fun with this person" I'd be like "cool, be safe and let me know how it goes, maybe I can meet up with you later!"!....I have met women who or are open like this and so I have not given up hope, I just feel like I am constantly surrounded with traditional monogamists, it's really hard to get out there and meet people like me without being labelled as selfish or coldhearted or slutty, I don't know where to go! I am getting better at communicating my needs and boundaries early on.

Anyways, my current partner is nothing like me and she's as conventional as it gets. She is a hopeless romantic, and I don't believe in letting love rule your life ever - it's just not going to work long-term. I am so bored. She hasn't really changed and that's a problem for me, I'm always changing, growing, learning, I can't be with someone so stagnant if that makes sense.

I've cheated on every single partner I've ever been with and I don't want to do this to her. I've tried having this conversation with her but she gets sad and leaves the room, I'm getting impatient, she really doesn't understand me and neither does 99% of the world.

I need help formulating my thoughts on how I need to continue to expand and meet new people, but in her eyes it continues to be revolved around "how much you don't love me" when it's simply not the case, the reality is I love everyone the same and she doesn't understand my superficial nature.

Please be nice. I understand this is a relationship forum, but just because I am not a relationship type person doesn't mean I deserve to be bashed for being an ultra-progressive freak.
You are posting in the wrong section.... Just so you don't bust out bawling I'll give you the Festivus Miracle of leaving it at that...
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