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Uncomfortable about gf texting/meeting old ex/fwb


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 21st December 2017, 2:49 PM   #31
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Many of us here are not very good at relationships, but in the years I've been posting here there is something that most of us have become great at, that is seeing and finding red flags. You see, in hindsight, we all now recognize the things we ignored that resulted in us being here in the first place. This is what you are doing. This is a fresh relationship with a woman who has a ton of red flags. You are plowing right thru them and trying to make it work no matter what. You have almost no shot at having a successful go of it with her.

Elaine nailed it, the captain save'm aspect is very strong in this relationship. I think that is something you need to look into. I guessing it's been a pattern in your pervious relationships. You can't fix her, boundaries issues, deceptive actions and confirmed cheating are simply traits that can't be fixed when ignored.
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Old 21st December 2017, 3:48 PM   #32
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Many of us here are not very good at relationships, but in the years I've been posting here there is something that most of us have become great at, that is seeing and finding red flags. You see, in hindsight, we all now recognize the things we ignored that resulted in us being here in the first place. This is what you are doing. This is a fresh relationship with a woman who has a ton of red flags. You are plowing right thru them and trying to make it work no matter what. You have almost no shot at having a successful go of it with her.

Elaine nailed it, the captain save'm aspect is very strong in this relationship. I think that is something you need to look into. I guessing it's been a pattern in your pervious relationships. You can't fix her, boundaries issues, deceptive actions and confirmed cheating are simply traits that can't be fixed when ignored.
Actually as of late my previous ltr were of girls that were the jealous ones (not that i ever strayed). But my last gf was so domineering that if i wasnt at her place every day when she got out of work she would make a fight over it. So granted, one of the things i like about the current one is shes the anrithesis of the prior girl. But i agree. The red flags currently dont bode well for long term success for us. I accept this reality
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Old 21st December 2017, 11:32 PM   #33
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Hi Mani81,
By getting her to go NC, may make things worse for you.
In the end, she may really just be friends with her ex.
Everyone holds their own version of Moral standards, and what they think is proper conduct and interactions/actions within their relationships.
Me, I would state my case, but, not fully go Draconian on her by implementing "Lock" down and NC on her texting with her ex..


A more balanced, and hopefully, honest compromise would be to allow her the odd contact, but you be fully notified and allowed to read before she sends one out or receives one from him.


NC is an extreme condition put on one, and many either have a resentment that it shouldn't have ever been imposed, or just go underground, and then, may just go "South" if not kept in check.


You need to be the "Boron" Rod, and push yourself in so far, just enough to control the "Chain reaction" of this fusion process going on now.
Because in one direction, you fizzle out any further action with your gf. While in the other, it will explode in your face..


Sorry to add a bit of physics, but you need physics to work out women.




Ted.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 1:14 AM   #34
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Hi Mani81,
By getting her to go NC, may make things worse for you.
In the end, she may really just be friends with her ex.
Everyone holds their own version of Moral standards, and what they think is proper conduct and interactions/actions within their relationships.
Me, I would state my case, but, not fully go Draconian on her by implementing "Lock" down and NC on her texting with her ex..


A more balanced, and hopefully, honest compromise would be to allow her the odd contact, but you be fully notified and allowed to read before she sends one out or receives one from him.


NC is an extreme condition put on one, and many either have a resentment that it shouldn't have ever been imposed, or just go underground, and then, may just go "South" if not kept in check.


You need to be the "Boron" Rod, and push yourself in so far, just enough to control the "Chain reaction" of this fusion process going on now.
Because in one direction, you fizzle out any further action with your gf. While in the other, it will explode in your face..


Sorry to add a bit of physics, but you need physics to work out women.




Ted.
I say is would be simpler with a woman that has fewer red flags. I think it's a mistake to "make" a relationship work so early on.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 2:59 AM   #35
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The puckish side of me thinks it would be funny to write on Steve's fbook wall, " Hey man! Heard you and *my gfs name* were gonna grab lunch the other day but that it didnt work out! Maybe we can set something up to where we all hang out and you bring *steves wifes name*!! ☺" lol posting this would appear innocent but would throw steve under the bus with his wife. And no, im not immature enough to do this 😇
Yeah you do that you might as well drive your GF over to his house because that screams needy and insecure.

Look man just take no bullsh*t, that's the best way to deal with this. When the red flags pop out deal with them. Be strong and radiate strength, she will respect that. You've drawn your line in the sand and said communication with this bloke is off the table. If you catch her crossing that line and make excuses for her then that will be on you.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 8:54 PM   #36
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She met him online and even though he had a gf at the time my gf became his "side chick."
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though they "remained closed" and she considered him one of her best friends.
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Oh and btw, when they text she says its usually Steve complaining about his wife to her. Also Steves wife doesnt know of them texting or meeting. She apparantly knows of my gf and Steves past and hates my gf.
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Now i trust my gf. And i believe her when she tells me she never hooked up with anyone since she married Bob. And says she was true to him until they ended thier thing. And i truly dont think she would cheat on me.
Reading what you said above in your first post on this thread, why on earth would you "trust" your girlfriend, and why would you say that you "truly don't think she would cheat on" you? The fact is that her past and present confirms that she cannot be trusted to respect normal relationship boundaries and she was fine with being the other woman. First, she was a willing secret "side chick" as she cheated with him while he was in a monogamous relationship with someone else. Later she keep a secret relationship with this same man behind her husband's back. And currently she is in an secret relationship with this same man behind his wife's back.

Secretly communicating with and seeing an opposite sex best friend, that was an affair partner/sex partner in the past, where complaining about that person's spouse is common, and where that person's wife specially hates you and does not want them communicating with you because of your cheating history with her husband, is classic emotional affair (EA) stuff where that person's spouse has every right to view you as and EA partner. Your girlfriend was and still is Steve's other woman. She will not change as she does not view sneaking around as wrong. Do not waste any more time with her as she is not good relationship material.

Last edited by Try; 22nd December 2017 at 8:57 PM..
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Old 22nd December 2017, 9:11 PM   #37
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Thank you all for the replies. Valid points. A small update: i did talk with her again and said "i just want to make it clear we're on the same page with boundaries. Im not cool with you having any relationship with Steve given your history. What makes me comfortable is if you go NC with him. Would that be a problem?" And without hesitation she smiled and said it wouldn't be a problem and shes go NC with him. And she reitterated that she was happy i let her know what bothers me as i come first etc.. So it went well.
Your girlfriend saying "it wouldn't be a problem and shes go NC with him", is different than her actually going NC with him. I say this because your girlfriend knows that this is what Steve is currently saying to his wife, and yet she is still willing to sneak around with Steve, and because this is what your girlfriend was saying to her husband when she was sneaking around with Steve. That goes double for what Steve was saying to his then girlfriend when your girlfriend was sneaking around with Steve as his FWB side chick. Your girl friend's entire many year relationship with Steve is build on a foundation of lies and sneaking around with him. If they both are willing to lie to their spouses for many years to protect their relationship, why would you as just a boy friend of a few months expect to be treated better?

Last edited by Try; 22nd December 2017 at 9:17 PM..
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Old 30th December 2017, 1:29 AM   #38
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I think it'd be good to emphasize something: an respectful adult wouldn't have a relationship at his/her official partner's back. Also, he/she wouldn't wait until his/her partners raises a concern about having a relationship with an ex friend with benefits. And third but not less: if a girl respects you she will never mention her exes' sexual performances. Specially she'll never say a certain ex was good in bed. And the fact that the one she said was good in bed is this guy she's still in contact with makes everything worst.
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