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Uncomfortable about gf texting/meeting old ex/fwb


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 19th December 2017, 1:20 AM   #1
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Uncomfortable about gf texting/meeting old ex/fwb

So a little backstory: Ive been together with my gf for 4 months. Before meeting me she recently ended her 7 year marriage with an emotionally abusive guy (we'll call him "Bob"). The issue is with one of the guys she dated BEFORE the ex husband. A guy (we'll call him "Steve") that my gf met a couple years prior to her exhusband. She met him online and even though he had a gf at the time my gf became his "side chick." Steve would continue to lead my gf on promising he would leave his gf for her. When the time came he finally broke up with his gf, he found reasons why he and my gf shouldnt date. So they continued as fwb. Apparantly when they went places is was always in isolated places or on the outskirts of town. My gf says it was as if he didnt want to be seen with her in public. So she finally got fed up with him and had recently met the new guy, Bob, she eventually married. So she blew Steve off. She said she knew Steve would just end up breaking her heart again anyways and that hey were "always one step off" though they "remained closed" and she considered him one of her best friends.

Funny thing is i know Steve. More of an aquaintence than friend as i havent seen him in years but used to see him at the bar every now and then. We're still fbook friends even. Well when i first met my gf this was brought up and she said they had remained close friends but she had never told her exhusband because he was a very jealous type. Apparantly she and Steve would meet for lunch once a year and would text still. Though she says they reached a point of texting frequently but it died out a year ago. Thats around the time Steve got married to his own wife.

Know i only know all this stuff bz i noticed my gf would bring up Steve every now and then. Like once we talked about that theory "crazy ppl are good in bed" and she said "not always true. Bob was crazy but he was bad in bed. Steve seemed normal but was good." And most recently we talked aboit chess of all things and she said she loved playin but hadnt played since her and Steve had. I finally go "so if yiu and Steve clicked so well whyd that not work out?" Thats how i found out this backstory.

As she keeps talking to me she nonchalantly throws out, "yeah. Steve and i were supposed to meet recently but it didnt work out." Im like "uh..." lol. So i ask meeting for what. She says just for lunch to "catch up." I had known they texted and never made issue out of it and i said "but you text..? She replies, "yes but its nice to see someone in person sometimes." Apparantly the morning of the proposed meeting she says i i vited her over so she came to see me and never texted Steve to meet. I was just surprised she had never told me before about meeting up with him. Oh and btw, when they text she says its usually Steve complaining about his wife to her. Also Steves wife doesnt know of them texting or meeting. She apparantly knows of my gf and Steves past and hates my gf.

Now i trust my gf. And i believe her when she tells me she never hooked up with anyone since she married Bob. And says she was true to him until they ended thier thing. And i truly dont think she would cheat on me. Shes told me she doesnt care if i text or hang out woth exes as long as i dont cheat on her. I guess shes a naturally less jealous person than i can be. And i realize she could have just not told me any of this stuff and kept it on the DL. But i feel shes been completely honest and deserves some credit for that.

We calmly discussed it. Im not into telling ppl what to do or checking up on them. Im anti snooping or phone checking. But i told her, if you want ourAnd relationship to be like fwb, then thats fine. You can go hang out with whomever and such and i wont say ome word. But if you want a LTR then i think we need to examine issues like this to see how compatible we are. She was super receptive and said she wouldnt meet with him if it made me uncomfortable. Which is gracious of her. My thing that i wanted advice on was i was thinking of telling her textimg with him made me uncomfortable. Im hoping that would end completely.

Because my problem are the variables of:
*the pretenses of how my gf and Steve met; she was a side piece and he basically treated her like a sex object and manipulated her
*despite that, gf had maintained "close friendship" with him behind her husband's and Steves wife's backs
*im just not a big fan of ex's being friends. To me theres always some underlying emotional connection there. And why tempt it? And as a guy, i think we keep people arou d if they are "accessable".. and Steve knows that my gf is easy to "use" based on the years he led her around. The fact that he treated her like sh*t and yet she still considers him a "best friend" makes me think he has some emotional control over her still.
*She didnt bother to ask me if it was cool for her and Steve to hang out (but his is probably bz she truly dodnt see it as a big deal)
*My gf and i are very very busy and its really hard to find time together. Im kindve offended shed even set somethin up with her ex on one of her days off that she and i usually meet.

So even though out relationship is great.. and i know shes into me more than Steve... and she treats me well (i know thats what counts most) this stuff just made my spidey senses go off. Its a catch 22. I dont want to get all demanding and if you set rules who knows maybe itll make her want to get in touch with him more. But i feel i should lay my hand down with her now and tell her how i feel. Just not sure if i should let it go for now or not. I know i can over analyze and be petty so i came here for help.
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Old 19th December 2017, 1:49 AM   #2
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Four months in....come on dude, run.

The problem is your GF has told you a couple things that would make a relationship very difficult. 1) she lacks boundaries and is willing to cheat/disrespect relationships both hers and others 2) she is willing to be deceptive.

Along with that, she simply doesn't seem like she is in a stable position to be in a relationship, and clearly is still harboring some kind of feelings for the guy she cheated with.

Just run, nothing here but pain agony and dysfunction.
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:33 AM   #3
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Seems that you GF is not a cheater and she is willing to change things for you. That's great. Well, for some people it's enough but I have never liked women who stick to a "word" like it's a legal contract.

SHe must understand that it's difficult for you to demand things. When you said you feel uncomfortable with her meetint him and she promised she wouldn't, she can't now text him regularly and giving the excuse of "I promised only to not meeting him, so I increased the texting". This would be a good argument in a court of law, not for the man she loves.

I think you should wait for a while and see if the texting is gradually ending. If it doesn't, you can tell her that you are disappointed, because you thought you have made you point, and it's sad she took it "literally" instead of thinking LT. But I advice you to never ask her ot denand her to stop. She must do it voluntarily.

Then you will see her approach and be able to take a decision according to it. In my case I have waited a few months, it caused some fightings oer it, but eventually she didn't want to ruin it with me, so she voluntarily cut him. (No that it prevents her to claim today, many years after, that it is my fault that she lost good friends. I always answer: "It was your choice, don't put it on me" )
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:51 AM   #4
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Seems that you GF is not a cheater and she is willing to change things for you. That's great. Well, for some people it's enough but I have never liked women who stick to a "word" like it's a legal contract.

SHe must understand that it's difficult for you to demand things. When you said you feel uncomfortable with her meetint him and she promised she wouldn't, she can't now text him regularly and giving the excuse of "I promised only to not meeting him, so I increased the texting". This would be a good argument in a court of law, not for the man she loves.

I think you should wait for a while and see if the texting is gradually ending. If it doesn't, you can tell her that you are disappointed, because you thought you have made you point, and it's sad she took it "literally" instead of thinking LT. But I advice you to never ask her ot denand her to stop. She must do it voluntarily.

Then you will see her approach and be able to take a decision according to it. In my case I have waited a few months, it caused some fightings oer it, but eventually she didn't want to ruin it with me, so she voluntarily cut him. (No that it prevents her to claim today, many years after, that it is my fault that she lost good friends. I always answer: "It was your choice, don't put it on me" )
Hmm.. well i dont really know how id even know if she ever does text him. Until our discussion about this stuff the other day ive never grilled her about any stuff or been suspicious. I wont ever check her phone or stoop to snooping. Instead of waiting months and randomly going, "so have you texted Steve any?" I think id rather just lay out what i expect from a relationship and that what works for me would be going NC with him.

First response kind of made me realize - at pretty much every point of thier almost 10 year relationship, there was some type of deceit involved with them against others. While they may not be as close or intimate as they were before (and my gf grown up some from when they first met and she was 18) i dont think him being one of her "best friends" is good for any ltr's future lol.

And really, shes very into me. Im 99% sure if i ask her shell agree to NC him wihout a fight. Will she honor it for the ling term..? Thats just sething ill have to trust her on and hope shes learned from previous mistakes. I just dont agree with ultimatuming ppl and know you cant change someone. But i can at least get my expectations aired and then she can do with that in how she chooses.
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Old 19th December 2017, 4:35 AM   #5
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She has got some questionable boundaries, OP.

No, she might not have been hiding anything inappropriate from you. But knowing how this Steve guy has treated her before, knowing he's married and his wife doesn't like her, knowing Steve is still secretly talking to her behind his wife's back - and she still wants to be "friends" with the man? I would wonder why exactly she wants to maintain any kind of connection with him.

No, you can't tell her what to do. But it would give me pause that she didn't see the problem in this on her own. You were the one who had to raise concerns; in my mind, an adult who is committed and serious would have already seen the inherent risk here, but she either didn't see it or didn't want to see it.

Give her a chance to rectify if you wish. But I would perhaps re-evaluate if she is really a candidate for a long-term relationship at this point in her life.
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Old 19th December 2017, 6:29 AM   #6
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I wont ever check her phone or stoop to snooping. Instead of waiting months and randomly going, "so have you texted Steve any?" I think id rather just lay out what i expect from a relationship and that what works for me would be going NC with him.
Why not asking her directly? I got the impression she's genuine and sincere. In a month or two, you can ask her instead of going on circles.
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Old 19th December 2017, 9:55 AM   #7
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So even though out relationship is great.. and i know shes into me more than Steve... and she treats me well (i know thats what counts most) this stuff just made my spidey senses go off. Its a catch 22. I dont want to get all demanding and if you set rules who knows maybe itll make her want to get in touch with him more. But i feel i should lay my hand down with her now and tell her how i feel. Just not sure if i should let it go for now or not. I know i can over analyze and be petty so i came here for help.
Gosh you sound like me a year and a half ago. I started dating this super nice dude who was in constant contact with his two most recent exes. It bothered me but I didn't want to get all demanding or set boundaries.

If it's a problem now, it won't get better. We broke up two days ago but have 4 months left on a lease and adopted a puppy together. I can't get rid of him that easily but you can.

Definitely tell her it bothers you. If she doesn't care now that it bothers you, she never will and it will only get worse. If she has hidden the friendship from her ex husband she likely hide it from you too and if he is hiding it from his wife, there is definitely something fishy going on.

I could be biased given my recent circumstances but that's my 2 cents.
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Old 19th December 2017, 10:56 AM   #8
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There's a much easier fix to all of this. You know Steve. You are FB friends. Just tag along when they meet to catch up. Bring Steve's new wife along. If it's all above board there should be no problem. If anybody balks, then you dig deeper. If Steve's wife balks just let her be the heavy.
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Old 19th December 2017, 11:51 AM   #9
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There's a much easier fix to all of this. You know Steve. You are FB friends. Just tag along when they meet to catch up. Bring Steve's new wife along. If it's all above board there should be no problem. If anybody balks, then you dig deeper. If Steve's wife balks just let her be the heavy.
Yeah, i had said that. That se all do a group thing. But she seems ok with not meeting up wih him. I just want to up it to NC at all though.
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Old 19th December 2017, 11:55 AM   #10
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Yeah, i had said that. That se all do a group thing. But she seems ok with not meeting up wih him. I just want to up it to NC at all though.

I think asking her to stop all communication is a bridge too far. If it's a deal breaker for you, then you may need to date somebody else. She's only been in your life for 4 months. That early on if some guy tried to tell me who I could talk to, I wouldn't be thrilled, especially if that person pre-dated my now dissolved marriage. Because Steve is now married himself & no longer free, I suspect if you don't make a big deal out of it, their interactions won't be a thing. An occasional, how is going text is nothing to get worked up over. If she's routinely sitting on the couch ignoring you in favor of texting him, that is a problem.
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Old 19th December 2017, 12:14 PM   #11
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I think asking her to stop all communication is a bridge too far. If it's a deal breaker for you, then you may need to date somebody else. She's only been in your life for 4 months. That early on if some guy tried to tell me who I could talk to, I wouldn't be thrilled, especially if that person pre-dated my now dissolved marriage. Because Steve is now married himself & no longer free, I suspect if you don't make a big deal out of it, their interactions won't be a thing. An occasional, how is going text is nothing to get worked up over. If she's routinely sitting on the couch ignoring you in favor of texting him, that is a problem.
Ah i gotcha. Well maybe ill just let it go then. Thats what i assume. That if youre in a relationship you begin to communicate less with exes ect. Felt a little blindsided shed meet him now of all times. But no. Prrty sure they barely text now.
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Old 19th December 2017, 7:23 PM   #12
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Nice guys always say stuff like "I don't want to be demanding or be the jealous guy"

The greatest nonsense is people are supposed to be trusting and cool when the partners are texting former partners or strangers left and right.

What is this catching up over lunch business? If they text then surely they know about each other's lives? The only thing there are catching up on is the face to face, just texting becomes boring after a while you need that up close and personal...over lunch.

Her conduct is already questionable. If everything was above board why would they hide the contact from buddy's wife, yes her ex husband understandably but the wife? And her dropping his name randomly is not random at all. A person's name who she's supposedly not texting that much but making lunch plans keeps popping up is a red flag.

She's just out a divorce. Still in contact with her FB, the man whom she was willing to face the wrath of her husband.. (and yes they met and banged) now she's easing him into your life because one day she'll suddenly drop the she's going to meet him for lunch/drinks/dinner for a catch up and you know the rest.

Have fun with her. Don't fall in love or propose.
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Old 19th December 2017, 7:27 PM   #13
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I'd never date a girl who was some guy's "side chick" because he had a regular girlfriend.

There's just so much wrong with it, that nothing else even matters, it can only be worse but not one thing she could ever say or do could make it better.

4 months- ok, it's only a waste of about 120 days, don't make it 121.
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Old 20th December 2017, 4:39 AM   #14
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Thats what i assume. That if youre in a relationship you begin to communicate less with exes ect.
That's not only a dangerous assumption, it's also a sweeping generalisation. As with all generalisations it may sometimes be true, and sometimes be false.

I would have a BIG problem with this. Look at the facts:

- Steve was perfectly happy to cheat on his ex with your GF. He will presumably have no problems cheating on his wife, either.
- Your GF had no problem being a side piece for Steve before. She will presumably have no problem being a side piece now either.
- Steve was always your GF's backup plan. She is still keeping her backup plan on the back burner. Why?

If you were dating for a couple of weeks then I could understand keeping an FWB option open in case it doesn't work out. But after 4 months I think it's time to concentrate on plan A. The only reason to keep communicating with an ex FWB is if you don't value your current relationship.
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Old 20th December 2017, 9:53 AM   #15
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After I saw the title and then read " I've been together with my gf for 4 months"...I didn't need to read any more.

It's the ones like this that seem oblivious to their own boundaries that end up dragging their S.O. or Spouse down. Usually to the police station, because most people wouldn't put up with this and eventually go upside their head at the continued disrespect.

Sometimes people literally ask to be smacked around by their stupidity. Just the way some people are wired.


Which is why you need to bail and not let it get to that point. It's 4 Months..at this phase she should not be able to keep her hands off of you, not texting exes for validation. She is showing you who she is..believe her before you do something you'll regret.
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